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  #21  
Old 10-13-2017, 06:52 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by sexyserb View Post

Mags, this was one guy who I liked and trusted. He just wants to have sex with me again. He was one of the few who knew my social media and one of the last I cut off and stopped seeing. He's a really cocky guy who actually was delusional enough to think he should meet my husband and that he could convince Hero to be friends. That idea went no where. And he was cheating on his wife with me so I do not think he would go the route of social media. Yes I have now blocked him. i did not think it was necessary on this guy.

I'm not responding and Hero does not check my social media. He stated right from the beginning he ain't going that route. I just do not know whether or not to say anything about it.
OK. No, for what my opinion is worth (since I don't do DADT), I think this guy is part of the past you are leaving behind. This was the final link holding you to it? And now he's blocked completely? Then I see no reason to tell Hero, unless this guy starts trying to out you to shared friends or whatever.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63)
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's bf since April 2013
BigGuy (poly, M, married, 43, dating me since late summer 2018)
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  #22  
Old 10-13-2017, 07:08 PM
sexyserb sexyserb is offline
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Mags

Then I see no reason to tell Hero, unless this guy starts trying to out you to shared friends or whatever.

That is probably best. There are no shared friends. That was on the not acceptable list from the beginning and I stuck to that one and did not violate that boundary. He actually lives three hours from us.
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  #23  
Old 10-14-2017, 03:02 PM
sexyserb sexyserb is offline
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Well, its Saturday, and Hero is at the gym. About 30 minutes from now he will roll in ,eat, and plant himself in the recliner with the remote. Only to potty and eat will his location change. its almost funny to watch this huge specimen sit so stationery for so long with his attention glued to TV.

I'm evacuating to the mall to lessen his bank account and attempt to find something to stimulate his libido. Somehow I am confident i will succeed. But not until tomorrow i am afraid.

I have my week planned for when he is gone. Its amazing how it is now not so hard to fill my days with something other than men now that he is home the overwhelming amount of time. Since months ago I'd have a week long sex fest set up/

This lunch with my friend is starting to really bug me. This cannot be good or she would not insist its only me.

The mono world is I guess boring to some, but I am settling in and fairly content. I still have anxiety because hero and I have not had a heart to heart. But I am encouraged by his bedroom behavior towards me versus what it had been like. I know I am making progress trying to rebuild this marriage or new marriage I guess would be a better title.
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  #24  
Old 10-17-2017, 06:29 PM
sexyserb sexyserb is offline
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Well, today was the worst. !!! If there is one thing I do not need in my life right now its marital drama with friends, but that is exactly what I got at lunch today. I need to vent.

I meet my girlfriend Deena for lunch and she looks like Casper The Ghost, and like she had been crying for weeks. And what does she drop on me???? She has been cheating on her husband for six months and he caught her and is divorcing her and she wants me to ask Hero if she can stay in our condo until it all gets settled. Of course I about fall out of my chair because here I am struggling with uncertainty about my own marriage and now Im asked to go home and tell my husband my friend is fucking another man and needs a place to stay. I need a xanax ( only kidding but it wouldn't hurt). Then on top of it she tells me that since hes divorcing her she is going to keep seeing the boyfriend and asks me to help cover for her so hubby does not find out and get more pissed off. Her husband is rich guy who owns somewhere between ten and fifteen franchises of a big time fast food chain and he has a mean streak and bad temper I know that. So what the hell do I do now???? I sure can't tell her about my life. I have a pretty good guess what Hero will say if I even bring this up.

Sunday was great. Hero took me to a wonderful restaurant for dinner Sunday night and we got to talk some. He said that he is still processing his feelings about the last two years, but he again said to me. "Mary Ann, I will always love you no matter what ". I started crying . I just could not help it. He took me home and made love to me, and I held him so tightly he could not leave me in bed.

He left yesterday. I hope he is not worried about me. This thing with my friend has hit home for me because I came very close to doing the affair route rather than approaching my husband about opening our relationship. I am thankful I chose the "ethical" route. I feel real bad for my friend.
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Transitioning back to mono and saving my marriage
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  #25  
Old 10-19-2017, 10:44 PM
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Today was hectic. Gym in the morning, two hours with new therapist in the afternoon, and tonight GNO with my friends.

Hero knows I am going and says hes fine with it. He knows after all the past two years and how I never let anyone know or did anything with friends around other than flirt like we all do. But I am making sure I am prepared for any distractions since I have not been out much lije this since I gave up other guys. I'm not going to have more than one drink, and I am driving myself there so I am not reliant on someone else to get me out of there in case it turns too inappropriate. Some of my friends are not attached and are on the prowl which is fine for them but not me. But I am planning on looking like a "hottie". That much fun I can have.

My husband decided to work late rather than come home after work. My guess is he doesn't want to watch me go prancing out. But he swears he's OK. I did second guess myself but I think I need to prove this is right for me by not avoiding any situations totally where I could get tempted. I either am responsible for my decisions or i am not. hiding does not accomplish anything. Men will be wherever any of us go, and men will look at me, LOL, at least i know that.

I like the new therapist but as usual, today was more introductory, and not too deep. She I believe is not a big proponent of non monogamy but that is OK but did not say anything totally negative.

I have one more day to decide if I ask Hero about the condo. right now, not thinking that is a good idea. he is not really friends with the husband but does know him. I'll think about that tomorrow.
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Transitioning back to mono and saving my marriage
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  #26  
Old 10-20-2017, 01:51 AM
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GirlFromTexlahoma GirlFromTexlahoma is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sexyserb View Post
I meet my girlfriend Deena for lunch and she looks like Casper The Ghost, and like she had been crying for weeks. And what does she drop on me???? She has been cheating on her husband for six months and he caught her and is divorcing her and she wants me to ask Hero if she can stay in our condo until it all gets settled. Of course I about fall out of my chair because here I am struggling with uncertainty about my own marriage and now Im asked to go home and tell my husband my friend is fucking another man and needs a place to stay.
Does this friend not have ANYWHERE else she can stay, or money for a hotel???

I lean on my friends a lot, but I can't imagine asking for a place to stay (indefinitely?) unless the alternative was sleeping on the street. Especially if the reason I needed to move was "i had an affair and got caught".

Maybe this just seems strange to me because all of my friends know and love Andy, and would be angry at me for hurting him.

But it is an unbelievably big favor. Even if there wasn't the backdrop of your recently closed marriage, it's still asking you to publicly take her side in a messy divorce. When she is not exactly the innocent victim. People can get crazy about those situations... There is a couple I know who split a decade ago after she was caught cheating, and even though they get along fine as exes, their circle of colleagues and friends is still split into warring factions over who took what side when they broke up.

Honestly, I think I'd be more willing to give her some money for an AirBnB than actually let her stay in the condo.
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  #27  
Old 10-20-2017, 07:03 PM
sexyserb sexyserb is offline
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Good advice Claire. I told her, and she knows, that her husband cannot just boot her to the curb with no money nor can he force her immediately out of the house. She just wants to comply right away to get out immediately because she thinks he will change his mind if she does not fight him. Knowing her husband, I would not bet my last dollar on that but who knows. Men are totally unpredictable in these situations. I gotta stay out of it. I am going to tell her I will help her look at places. Hero does not need this on his plate right now. I don't care about the taking side thing. He just does not need to hear this and since he is not great buddies with this guy husband, I want my husband not involved.

I had fun last night, which I almost wish I had not. Temptation everywhere, but I did not find it depressing to resist. I did let a guy buy me a drink and danced with him, but when he tried to hold my hand that was the end of that. Told him I was happily married and not interested. He was cute so I am making progress. I actually left at about 11:30 and got home at midnight.
I texted Hero that I was home safe and told him I love him.

I am really glad I went out with my friends. I have to in a sense relearn to be in mixed company without my husband with the "rules" back on. I feel content other than i want to be a very naughty girl with my hubby when he gets home tonight.
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Transitioning back to mono and saving my marriage
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  #28  
Old 10-21-2017, 03:19 PM
sexyserb sexyserb is offline
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Well, yesterday I was congratulating myself for my “progress” but today I feel like shit. What is wrong with me??????
I have no friggin boundaries. Instead of congratulating myself for not letting some guy grab my hand and try to make moves on me, I should be asking myself why I let him buy me drinks and sat there talking to him. Why didn’t I just say “fuck off”. It’s not like I do not know how to get rid of men. So nothing happened but why was I the one who interacted with a strange man when other of my friends just shot down every guy that approached. Seems like I am trying to prove to them I am the “man magnet”. I must be an idiot. I hope the therapist can figure this out.

On a happier note, my husband and I had hours of sexy times since he got home. Things could be worse. Next week its back to normal. He’s home again all week.
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  #29  
Old 10-22-2017, 12:06 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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That is a good question. Why did you feel a need to go out looking like a "hottie," for "fun," and let a man think he had a chance with you for romance or sex?

You could have gone out looking attractive without looking... "hot." An appearance which proclaimed, I am looking to get laid. I am imagining a short skirt, heels, lots of makeup, and long flowing hair.

If you're going to be a "good wife" now, and focus on your husband again, where is this coming from? Do you need to be "seen" by men as a sexual object to prop up your self-esteem? Does all your self value come from being "seen" by men? By Hero as the good wife, by every other man as "hot."

Is there a search for autonomy that is in context of how others see you as a sexual being? Instead of uncovering and developing your self worth from within?

The word sexy is even in the screenname you chose. Is your desirability the only thing of value in your perception of self?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63)
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's bf since April 2013
BigGuy (poly, M, married, 43, dating me since late summer 2018)
Ravi (poly, M, married, 37, dating me since late summer 2018)
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  #30  
Old 10-23-2017, 08:56 PM
sexyserb sexyserb is offline
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That is a good question. Why did you feel a need to go out looking like a "hottie," for "fun," and let a man think he had a chance with you for romance or sex?

You could have gone out looking attractive without looking... "hot." An appearance which proclaimed, I am looking to get laid. I am imagining a short skirt, heels, lots of makeup, and long flowing hair.

If you're going to be a "good wife" now, and focus on your husband again, where is this coming from? Do you need to be "seen" by men as a sexual object to prop up your self-esteem? Does all your self value come from being "seen" by men? By Hero as the good wife, by every other man as "hot."

Is there a search for autonomy that is in context of how others see you as a sexual being? Instead of uncovering and developing your self worth from within?

The word sexy is even in the screenname you chose. Is your desirability the only thing of value in your perception of self?



Mags,

I had to laugh at part of this. By hot I did not mean looking like a streetwalker. Yes fairly short skirt but not scandalous, no high heels as Im already almost 5'9", no tons of make up ( I don't need it), and yes long flowing hair. I thought I looked real real good, which I did, and truthfully do we all dress not to be noticed by the opposite sex. Seems like we are all showing a lot more skin. So that doesn't mean I want sex does it?? Or else theres a ton of other women doing the same thing. So seriously I was dressed the same as most of my friends but yes the Lord has blessed me in the gene department.

You DO ask great questions. So yes, I have been seen by men as sexual object since I hit puberty. When i got to high school all the popular boys wanted me and I developed probably a very bad habit of easily manipulating men. Gave me a sense of power. This trait has followed me but I had it under control when 100% of my time was occupied with raising my kids. But I still was always a flirt big time. Hero never went nuts over this since he attracted practically the same female attention that I had to get used to.

My self worth?? Thats an even greater question probably what I need to work on with therapist. I am highly educated but other than raising beautiful and happy kids, which I know is a BIG DEAL, I haven't really accomplished much other than land a husband who has provided me with an absolute amazing life. Everything we have, which is a lot, he provided. I just was there, and that is not knocking him. He has been textbook great hubby and his kids worship the ground he walks on. So yeah, I got some "digging" to do.

I did not make any men think I was available. I was sitting there minding my own business when this guy the other night came over and sat down at our table with one of his friends. And yes, I liked the attention since there were six other women there he could have talked to, some of them totally available. The why i let him buy me a drink, why I danced with him, and why I had fun talking to him is not easily explained. The good part is I never came close to letting it go any further but i should not have done anything that I did do.

Like I said, I am am work in progress.
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Transitioning back to mono and saving my marriage
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