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  #241  
Old 02-26-2018, 04:29 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Our poly situation is pretty insane right now.

Last year in counselling with me and Idealist we decided we could imagine a future with two homes next door with Idealist splitting time 50/50 (roughly), so that I could have something as close to a traditional couples' cohabitation as possible and Idealist would have something as close to one joint home as possible.
We're basically figuring out ways for him to have two families and still be present - for I'm not gonna share space with Meta. A hallway is as far as I'm willing to go.
Whether Meta is going to accept the shift or not is an issue that we have started addressing. If she won't, I might make him choose. I'm getting closer to being ready to walk despite the couple relationship actually only getting better.

Meanwhile, Meta has started to do holotropic breathwork, which is an intense method of exploring one's psyche, meaning that after years of stagnation she's actually doing personal development work. This allowed us to talk in the first place. But it lead to a rather serious personal crisis. Healing crisis it may be, but crisis nevertheless where she's in need of emotional support and struggling to keep up with her work commitments.

Postponing poly issues till she's more stable may not be an option. First, poly issues probably play a role in her crisis. Second, I'm not willing to risk that either 'more stable' takes a year, or that she gets more stable at the cost of not being willing to try solving anything again.

They (Idealist and Meta) have been to couple therapy too, and they told me I should come along next time, which is Friday. Apparently, the therapist wants to hear it all.

I think I'm just going to be blunt.
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  #242  
Old 03-04-2018, 01:05 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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They (Idealist and Meta) have been to couple therapy too, and they told me I should come along next time, which is Friday. Apparently, the therapist wants to hear it all.
Well that was a rather intense experience.
I must say, they found a really good counsellor. He had the session firmly in his hands so that - with three people all diverging from the topic at hand - the important stuff could be said. I think he's got a good idea about the situation now, and more importantly, Meta does.
They're gonna continue with counselling for their communication issues for a bit and then we do another session to talk about the triangle and it's future in May.
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  #243  
Old 05-24-2018, 10:27 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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I'm a little emotionally shaky today (geez, as if it was an exception). There's just a lot going on on the inside. Again.

So first, poly news ... are non, really. We had another counselling session with all three people present. Finding a way from a place of competition to a place of sustainable cooperation does seem pretty hopeless to me. (Unless one argues that we have, with our four years together, already proven sustainability of even THIS arrangement. Well it does not feel like that. ) The reality is I see conflicting needs for time, and for a certain kind of security in the relationship which seem - well, not zero-sum, but - still not really satisfiable by one person.

I actually was very close to breaking up in April, once more. I think it had to do with me being depressed and anxious overall (which had to do with yet another round of antibiotics). Needless to say I didn't follow through - when I scrolled the 'ok, what next' film before my eyes, I saw that I still wasn't able to. I'd miss it so deeply - the touch, the intellectual conversation, the emotional and spiritual closeness, his optimism and the ropes. In the end, if anything, this episode made me appreciate the relationship more.

I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't and I have to make the very best out of the situation.

Then there is work. Don't get me started on quantum field theory. It's a deeply mathematical and deeply confusing subject - philosophically it pretty much says there are no particles. And it takes two semesters of three 1,5 lectures per week + homework to get the very basic introduction. You're guessing right, I have an exam coming up
Couple that with the rather boring article I was working on for the last several months (which originally should have taken several weeks) which is finally on the finishing line, and you get the idea. It's exciting and utterly exhausting.
I put in some long hours to finish the article asap and have my boss read it before he leaves for most of june, but I can only do that for a couple of days until my body and psyche puts up a wall and makes me work half the time instead. So that's what's happening now.

Speaking vacation, bad luck on that front. I've been very much looking forward to a rope event at the end of June, our first international trip. We were going to travel to France. We had a bus booked.

...
(Trigger warning for this bottom half of this post - bdsm and consent violation.)
...

Well, they are cancelling the event, because of a consent violation affair. Apparently, the organizer, also a leader of a French "sex-positive" space, did some pretty nasty manipulative things to say the very least. I read the testimonial and that's probably the real reason why I'm so emotionally volatile right now.

Sexual consent in general, and in bdsm especially, is pretty tricky if you take into account the fact that sometimes the things you don't really wanna do rationally are the ones that are most arousing when the game is on. Some games lose half of their appeal if you ask for them. Submissivity almost by definition has an element of "I get aroused if you overpower (force, manipulate) me". Helplessness (when supported by trust) is arousing. And power is both appealing and terrifying.

All this means negotiation is not always done in the detail needed. It means good dominants play do push boundaries. It means people are using intuition and accidents are unavoidable.

I know all this yet I'm still pretty bummed by my local community's reaction to consent-violation reports.
I mean, I don't consider a teacher(!) offering to tie a girl for her to experiece rope-bottoming, than inviting her home for the scene, offering alcohol and having sex with her during the scene an accident. I consider that rape. Frankly I don't even care very much if she managed to tell him a no in that moment or not.
She wrote she feels manipulated and that's what I see. Power abuse and hypocrisy.
But the riggers in our small group? They'd all be like "ah, it's just her side of the story, we don't know what kind of communication they had with each other", and "she's incredibly naive she should have recognized that he wants to fuck her". The girls are like 50-50.
Idealist also thinks that "she should be able to have boundaries, if she didn't tell him a no that's her failure", and well, that's probably right, but also that's where the power differential is at play. Damn, if I'm any experienced as a top I can't expect people to hold boundaries properly if they bottom for the first time. It's my responsibility to go slow, full stop.

So yeah, I'm angry about my community's reactions.

The French people seem to be in a different place, although they must have been overlooking the destructive attitudes. Since it's not the first hint about this guy, although likely the most explicit one, they refuse to work with him and the place he founded and ran will be shut down.
That must be a pitty and a loss for the community. I hope they recreate it, like, much better.
And, well, my vacation is cancelled. Too bad.

All this brings memories, of course. Memories of my teenage years when I was not aware enough and didn't have boundaries established yet. I assume nearly everyone has that, the learning experience where they let someone go too far. I had it with a friend... repeatedly, for almost a year. Not sex, fortunately, but close. Yeah, I do feel stupid for that timeframe. He was an important person for me at that time, and arousal was quite an unknown. I didn't know how to say "yeah I do like it on some level but I'd still rather not". And if I did... I sure as hell didn't know how to respond to "why not?". He was older, he should have known better.

I don't exactly need support on that (I care more for you real opinion). The emotions are strong but manageable.
It's more to say, I know power abuse dynamics. It doesn't take much.
There's a deep sadness in that statement.
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Idealist: my partner, 39
Meta: live-in partner with Idealist, 44

Last edited by Tinwen; 05-25-2018 at 07:11 AM.
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  #244  
Old 05-29-2018, 10:47 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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I had Idealist spend an evening with my parents. For the first time, I believe, though they have met. In fact at one point my mom told me she doesn't want to know Idealist, because I'll surely break up, and she already misses my previous boyfriends. Well, I'd say that's kind of cute. But if we don't break up... are they going to avoid each other for year after year? So I had them meet. They talked about politics and still survived. I think it went great overall.
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  #245  
Old 05-30-2018, 06:16 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Oh my god, it seems there might be a replacement for our cancelled vacation, with the czech people who intended to go to that event.
And that would be SO GREAT, since I wanted to get closer to the others who do shibari badly. And also, I hate not having plans.
So now I just have to convince Idealist that the programming even he was going to attend instead is not that important
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  #246  
Old 05-30-2018, 09:15 PM
Evie Evie is offline
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I really hope you get to your event!
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  #247  
Old 05-31-2018, 04:59 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Thanks, Evie. I'm no longer so sure anymore after talking it over with Idealist. We might do well socializing with the group or not, and the venue is quite isolated, not many alternative program options.

Sorry people for the missing words and random changes in word order in my latest posts! It's a bit funny and surely annoying too. It happens to me when I'm tired and reformulating my sentences.
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  #248  
Old 07-21-2018, 04:47 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Default .... .....

So I went on adventure exploring my dominant side, after quite some time. I invited out a friend of mine whom I know to be submissive and single.
We did a very short rope scene. He's a sweetheart. He's been wonderful in his inexperienced innocence. I loved him helpless.
I wanted to go all in, not holding back on emotional intimacy, and he went with it bravely.

Seems I succeeded - I could feel myself kinda falling in love the next day. Except I know it's not a really good idea to start a relationship there. So I'm holding myself back. It feels really bittersweet.
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  #249  
Old 07-24-2018, 02:20 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Originally Posted by Tinwen View Post
Seems I succeeded - I could feel myself kinda falling in love the next day. Except I know it's not a really good idea to start a relationship there. So I'm holding myself back. It feels really bittersweet.
I went on posting in the relationships corner about how to handle this, and I even arrived at a decision, but as soon as I wrote about it, I realized what's actually so painful about the situation. It's knowing that this man could offer me exactly what's so hard to achieve with Idealist: A stable home, reliability in practical matters, "a future". What he can't offer me is exactly what I have: sexual dominance, a sense of strength and ownership and a place to be weak in, a sensitivity to the spiritual and a passion for growth, the unwavering safety of being with someone who can meet my darkest sides non-judgmentally. They are in a sense very complementary. Yet missing the second set of qualities in a life-partner is still unacceptable to me. I know from previous experience that with time I would feel confined by the one who's reliable yet has a rigid outlook on what life should be like, and I would in effect mistreat him badly. Been there done that. So I absolutely can't have both in these different people. Yet it's so painful to reject the stability and reliability I've been craving, the good family life without the obstacles of a metamour in the mix, in favor of what I currently have (and need!) in terms of being seen, accepted and owned.

Romance, you're being plain cruel today.
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Me: female, 29
Idealist: my partner, 39
Meta: live-in partner with Idealist, 44

Last edited by Tinwen; 07-24-2018 at 02:25 PM.
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  #250  
Old 08-13-2018, 11:51 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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We went on vacation with Idealist.

We did some cycling and a holotropic breathwork seminar. I did lot of emotional work there, attempted to release some family trauma. Idealist has his own stuff. It was nice to support each other. Then we went on cycling. Life is good.
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