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  #11  
Old 09-16-2015, 09:51 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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I cleared everything up with Guitarist last night. It turns out we were both really stressed out yesterday and miscommunication abounded.

He thought when I said that I was spending Sunday with Marian and did he want me to wait to leave until after he got home, that I was basically asking for his permission to skip Sunday morning with him. We do usually spend Sunday mornings together, but we talked rather recently about how I donít want to consider those Ďourí time because if I consider them ours, Iím going to get a little out of sorts if Purr ends up having it free and he goes to spend time with her instead, but if I consider it a happy circumstance that Purr doesnít have time for him, Iíll feel a lot better overall. So I was asking whether he wanted to schedule it or not out of deference to the fact that weíre having Marian and Ranger over Friday, and then Iím spending all day with Marian on Sunday. Still, my question wasnít a model of clarity, and I could see how a stressed-out Guitarist could have interpreted it differently.

It ended up working out that Iím going to leave early to go to Renaissance festival with Marian before Guitarist gets home from work, and Guitarist and I are going to spend Saturday morning together instead. The weekend is looking extremely busy, but Iím also very excited about it. Tonight is my alone time night in preparation for--going to a soccer game with a woman from work tomorrow; having Marian and Ranger over Friday; Saturday morning with Guitarist, Saturday afternoon baby shower, Saturday evening birthday party; Renaissance festival Sunday with Marian. Thank goodness my other work friend said she canít make our Monday night exercise class. Iím going to need a solo night to recover from my weekend.

Guitaristís coffee with Sunshine did actually go just okay. He said there was no spark there and it was really weird talking to a monogamous person about polyamory. He apparently spent a lot of time gushing about how awesome I am, and then felt kind of strange about it. So Sunshine isnít making my signature yet.

I also didnít mention this in yesterdayís post, but Purr is going through some tough relationship times right now. Sheís having to take a step back from one of her close relationships because of a metamour. It seems like it really sucks. She apologized for leaning so hard on me and Guitarist, to which I responded whatever. I canít speak for him, but I donít feel overly leaned on. I just wish she was happier.

Iíll say this for yesterday, Flame really came through for me. I love the shit out of that man. He was basically talking me down from the edge of extreme annoyance and picking me up the entire day, which I really needed.

Today has been much better.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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  #12  
Old 09-16-2015, 10:05 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Not ten minutes after I typed that today has been much better, my mother informed me over a text message that my parents are getting a divorce. Followed shortly by my dad calling me. This is the third time theyíre getting a divorce in the last five years. I really hope they actually go through with it this time, because their constant state of semi-divorced fighting (and dragging me into it) leaves me feeling very unhappy. They arenít happy together and they haven't been for a long time.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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  #13  
Old 09-17-2015, 06:24 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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My parents' probable divorce has taken over my life today. I'm writing this at work, where after a night of poor sleep, I can't concentrate. There are a lot of moving parts, all made harder by the fact that they've cried wolf over divorce times before. This time seems much more serious though.

I had to set boundaries with both of them after waking up to a series of messages from thier joint Skype account. Basically, I told them that I love them both and they're both good people, but they just aren't good for each other. And I would love to talk to them and be there for them as this goes on, but 1) privately, not over a medium each knows the other will read, and 2) without the he did/she did or negative language. If they aren't willing or able to do that, I'm willing to cut off contact until after the divorce for my own mental health. I can't change their conduct, but I can change whether I'm exposed to it.

In pretty short order, I received two apologies for putting me in that position. Many assurances of mutual love and support followed. I hope that I don't have to enforce that boundary too often. It was Really Fucking Hard to to lay it out in the first place.

The rest of the day has been spent texting my siblings and talking logistics, fears, and feelings. It's been extremely draining. I almost want to skip the soccer game tonight, but I know I'll regret it if I do
and instead I'll just sit at home drinking and worrying, so I'm making myself go. I can't make myself have fun, but damn it, I'm going to try.

Guitarist got an afternoon date with Purr today and that really lifts my spirits. I hope he's able to give her some of the affection and comforting she seems to need right now. And I'll wake him up when I get home and get some of that myself.

Thank goodness for the rocks in my life, Guitarist and Flame, helping support me so that I can be the rock for my siblings without sliding down the hill.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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  #14  
Old 09-18-2015, 09:33 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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The soccer game last night was great. My work friend was super excited about our tickets (row 7, midfield) and I ended up fortuitously managing to catch the first goal on video. All in all, it was pretty awesome. Traffic getting into Large City at around 5 pm and out of Large City at around 10 pm was not awesome, but I managed to cope. I really hate driving in traffic. I was less successful about avoiding parental divorce drama, but I donít care to relive that by typing it.

When I got back from the game, Guitarist and I cuddled and talked about random things for a while. He gushed about his date with Purr. It was nice to hear what a good time he had while he was cuddling me back into some semblance of a healthy emotional place. Have I mentioned how perceptive and supportive and sweet Guitarist is? He really is. Iím amazingly fortunate that this man is in my life.

He waited until I was calm and soothed and happy before he brought up that things between Purr and him had progressed to a sexual place and he wanted to talk about our sexual boundaries. The boundary we negotiated about a month and a half ago when opening everything up was ďno sex, but weíll talk about it again if it comes up.Ē So Iíve known that this discussion has been coming up for a while and Iíve been kind of mentally preparing for it, testing my sore spots and trying to figure out my comfort level.

Still, Iíve been pretty depressed the past few days so I said I needed to think a little before we talked about it. I wanted to make sure that my lack of negative feelings was because I donít actually have them, instead of because the black hole of anger and depression that has existed in the pit of my stomach the past few days was sucking all of my emotions into it.

I thought for about half an hour and we cuddled and talked about different things before bringing I brought it back up again. In the end, our no-sex agreement went out the window, replaced by agreements involving safer sex practices (testing, barriers), how much information would be shared (that the other would like to know that one of us wants to be physically intimate with a partner before it happens, but details are not required or welcome), and miscellaneous boundaries (I simply do not want people in my bedroom, he is less comfortable thinking about me with men and weíll have to talk about that if I start a relationship with a man). Weíd previously talked a little about maybe possibly in the future perhaps maybe setting up a guest room so that weíd have an extra bed available for sleep overs, instead of just the air mattress. Fortunately, for now the only sexual relationship would be him and Purr. And because of Purrís logistics reasons, time with Purr is usually spent at Purrís apartment.

Today, Purr thanked me for being so open and accepting of her and Iíve had to spend some of this afternoon reassuring her that I really do mean it and Iím not concealing jealous feelings. Sheís said sheís not used to having a metamour so open to talking to her about relationship things, welcoming to her, and respectful of her boundaries and desires. Gold stars for me! It makes me happy that she feels comfortable, safe, and respected.

Meanwhile, Iíve spent the day getting my hair cut and cleaning the house in preparation of Marian and Ranger coming over. Guitarist is very excited. So excited, he told me, that he didnít want to go to sleep. He didnít end up going to bed until 3 pm or something crazy like that, so waking him up at 8 pm should beÖ fun. Iíve bought an oatmeal stout Iíve never tried as well as one of my favorite porters, refreshed my scotch collection, cleaned the entire house, my white bean chicken chili is in the crockpot, and now Iíve got to twiddle my thumbs for a few more hours until itís time. My stomach is all full of fluttery things at the thought of having my love and my crush in the same place at the same time, and I just hope everything goes well. Also there will be some board games I want to play, but at this point thatís really an afterthought.

I think Iíll go launch Dark Souls 2 or something. Sitting here and obsessing is just making me nervous.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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  #15  
Old 09-19-2015, 02:29 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Iím supposed to be spending the morning with Guitarist, but I asked him if he wanted to do anything and he said no, so now weíre in our separate offices doing computer things. Iím fine with this. We spent a ton of time together last night and had some really good sex, so my social bar is full in terms of Guitarist time.

Board gaming last night went really well. Ranger seemed very cool and relaxed. Nothing was weird and I didnít get any awkward or jealous vibes. I feel a lot more comfortable already. I donít think heís a metamour Iíll be close friends with, but I also donít think weíll have any problems.

Guitarist also liked Marian and didnít have any problems there, which I was entirely expecting but which is a relief all the same. Guitarist said that he had his first moment of compersion. It was really nice to hear him talk about it. He also said that she seems really into me, and that made me dance a little inside.

Iím a touch hung over and quite exhausted, since the hung over woke me up before I really wanted to get up. That should be fine, because my schedule for today is just a bunch of family stuff. Nothing big there. Iím just hoping that my mom will be chill about the divorce stuff. Weíve texted plenty lately and not a peep on that front and my dad didnít call last night either. I think theyíve received the message. Fingers crossed.

Iím very much looking forward to Sunday with Marian. It will be a much longer time alone than weíve had yet, and itíll involve a long car ride. I love long car rides with people. So much good conversation happens. Iíll get to wear a costume, and costuming is one of my hobbies. Iíll get to hold her hand all day and maybe weíll kiss or something. This is the most tortuously slow relationship I've ever had but I'm completely okay with that. The inside of my brain is a giant dance party right now.

But itís time for coffee!
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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  #16  
Old 09-20-2015, 02:06 AM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Day went okay. No divorce talk from mom beyond logistics and general family concerns, definitely nothing crossing my boundaries. Whew. But what a long day. Iím an introvert. Being not only social, but social at large family parties for 11 hours, wow that was draining. By the end I wanted to curl up in a corner with a blanket and go to sleep just so that I could stop processing. Instead I found a room with a dog and sat on the floor petting the dog. My niece was also getting overwhelmed and tired and she made a good excuse to drag the rest of my family away from the party and all carpool home. It was nice.

In other news, Guitarist has apparently started a blog here. Iím glad. Iíve encouraged him to, since we are kind of short on male perspectives and heís an eloquent speaker and writer. But it does bring up some questions in my mind about whether to read his blog, even though he says I can read it.

Iím not worried about him reading my blog if he wants to, since we share openly, communicate frequently, and Iíve told him that things Iím processing here may not be things Iíve talked to him about yet. Whether he decides to expose himself to my thoughts, even my negative thoughts that I havenít had a chance to talk to him about yet, is his decision.

And itís my decision whether to expose myself to his. Part of me really, really wants to know our story from his perspective, but another part of me (weíll call it the playground kid part of me) is worried that I might hear some things that will upset me. Maybe the solution is to just read it from time to time and not to voraciously consume every frequent post, like I do with so many other blogs here. I don't know.

I donít have to decide now. I DO have to clean up from last nightís board gaming party and try to relax so that I can sleep well and wake up early to spend the day with Marian. I'm so excited I probably won't sleep, but damn it, I have to try.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 09-21-2015, 12:12 AM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Iím in an extremely happy place after spending all day with Marian. We saw some good shows, had some fun, ate some food, bought some things. But more importantly, I now officially have a girlfriend.

I like to look out of the corner of my eye and see her serious thinking expression, I like to watch her smile. I like meeting her eyes and seeing affection reflected back. I like hearing her talk about her past, her story with Ranger, and I like hearing her affection for him, especially now that I know him a little better. I like the sound of her voice and the shape of her face and her freckles. Iím utterly smitten. We still havenít kissed. I'm anti-PDA and I havenít been able to find a quiet place and time to ask if I may kiss her, but the other chemistry is definitely there.

We talked about everything under the sun. Poly, not poly, everything. Sheís just so easy to talk to. Our desires for what we want from poly and relationships and life in general match up in a lot of ways--not completely, but the differences aren't concerning. I feel like I can be myself with her and that she likes that self, and that's something very important. Deep in my heart is the closeted oft-rejected little nerd girl who secretly doesn't believe that anyone or anything could like her for real. I believe that Marian actually likes me.

I mentioned that I closed my OKC account and I could tell she was hesitant to bring it up, but she wanted to let me know her OKC account was still up and sheís still looking. She wanted to know if I was okay with that. Iím didnít even have to stop and think before saying Iím completely fine with that. I didn't have any insecurity at all. Sheís still newish to poly and she should totally see what other fish are in the sea. Iím not concerned about it affecting my relationship with her. I can tell how into me she is and, from the way she considers Rangerís feelings and mine, she seems very thoughtful with relationships. If she loses scheduling availability and I stop being able to have a weekly date with her, I might start to feel neglected, but if that happens Iíll bring it up when it happens.

Rangerís nice with a capital N, and seems very supportive. I wasnít really sure what to expect in terms of resistance and things like that, since heís also pretty clearly mono, but theyíre clearly very in love and she has good taste, so Iím feeling a lot more comfortable. He seems happy that sheís happy. He opened the door for me when I showed up today and didnít seem weirded out by me at all. I think the odd first impression from the parking lot pickup that one night was a fluke or product of driving to an unfamiliar location while being late.

And now Iím back to where I usually am after dates. Loafing in my office, waiting for Guitarist to wake up so that I can share my squee with him and receive cuddles in return. Meanwhile I'm sharing some squee with Purr, since she's available and seems to need cheering up. And generally being exhausted and happy.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 09-22-2015, 03:47 AM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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What a horrible fucking night. Very little to do with the poly, everything to do with my parents' divorce.

The short version, which is all I have time for, is that Purr wanted to hang out after work so I went to her place to spend time with her and her kids. Things were fine (not super amazing, she's sick and low energy but it was nice to just be in the same room) until my mom called.

That call was fine. She just wanted to let my know that she'd moved in with a friend but forgot her cell phone charger, so not to worry if I couldn't reach her. She started to get into divorce stuff but cut herself off, which was nice.

Purr handed me a well-timed glass of wine. Dad called ten minutes later. I'll just say he didn't respect my boundaries as well. In the future, any calls from him will go to voice mail first. He apparently can't call without taking his upset out on me, by picking a fight when I remind him that I don't want to hear some things.

I worry about his heart health in the physical sense, but I can't let that dictate that I answer the phone right away. I refuse to let him upset me like I was upset tonight.

Time for more cuddles from Guitarist.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 09-22-2015, 06:41 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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I ended up calling into work today. It was a very good decision. I got very little sleep last night, and what sleep I did get was not quality. I woke up all puffy-eyed from my emotional meltdown yesterday, with a sinus headache from this sinus infection Iím trying to take care of, and said Ďfuck it.í I called my bossís secretary. She knows about my grandmotherís health and my parentsí divorce, which helps. No questions asked. Calling it a sick day. I love my job.

After I shuffled out into the kitchen, Guitarist wanted to know if I wanted to go over to Purrís to meet her ex-husband. He wanted to meet us, since weíre around his kids. I thought that was fair and I tried to push any preconceptions I might have about him. And he does have good aspects. For instance, heís trying to parent his children and maintain a cordial relationship with Purr. There are things about him I can approve of.

So we both went over there and met Purrís exhub. Even with the things I can approve about, I didnít like him all that much. Man, that guy is a whiner. Especially about his responsibilities. Like the kids. He has to *gasp* drive the oldest to school three days a week. My heart breaks for himÖ not.

In an effort to NOT tell him what a whiny asshole I think he is, I delved into my phone. I tend to speak my mind. He doesnít seem like the kind of guy that actually wants to know what other people think. If I never have to sit and be cordial with him again, Iíll be fine with that. I don't do forced-cordial well.

It kind of wrecked Guitaristís mood to have to solo-deal with exhub. I do feel bad about that. Mine was already wrecked so the only place it was going to go was me exchanging harsh words with him. I did not, did not, did NOT want to do that in front of Purrís baby. I'm glad Guitarist stepped in. But still, that was a lot of pressure on him. Iím lucky he handled it like a champion, even if he didnít like exhub either.

After exhub left and the baby was down for a nap, all three of us had a giant cuddle pile on the couch. Purr and I discussed some things. Purr and I have different definitions of what counts as sex. She was concerned that she crossed my boundary by doing some touching things (the things that prompted him to back off and us to have our sex conversation of a few days ago). While she knew our boundary was no-sex, I understand that different people might have different ideas of what constitutes sex. I wasnít going to get all hurt and offended that she crossed a line she was unaware of, especially not when the only reason it existed at all was so that Guitarist and I could talk about it before they went further. No harm no foul. She almost visibly relaxed. I think the thought of me possibly being silently angry with her was really stressing her out.

I also donít remember if I posted this elsewhere, but Purr has been a little insecure about my developing relationship with Marian. Purr asked me if Marianís girlfriend status meant that we would have to end our developing thing. I was really confused why it would, until I realized that she JUST lost a relationship because of a boyfriend choosing to pursue a metamour who wasnít as open to him having open relationships as would have been necessary for Purr and the boyfriend to continue. I was happy to reassure Purr that we have an emotional connection that has meaning to me and she does not need to worry about that kind of behavior from me.

I wouldnít even cut off a friend because someone in a relationship with me didnít like my friendship. Being comfortable with my current relationships, from friendships on up, is the price of entry into a relationship with me. Period. I canít imagine breaking off with someone with whom I have a thing, even if that thing is Ďjustí an its-complicated-cuddlebuddyship. And I did put scare quotes in there because I donít think of our relationship as 'just' anything. I donít think itís less valid because we arenít head-over-heels squeeing about each other and making out every chance we get and planning our future marriage and so on and so on. I care for her. If our thing ends, it will be because we have different needs and desires, not because someone shiny and new comes along.

The clarifications, conversations, and especially cuddle pile really improved my mood. There was mutual kissing and touching in all directions. My mood went from one step above a depression doom spiral to something approaching okay. It wasnít ideal, but I really enjoyed myself. The energy was really magnified, having two people I care about and who care about each other all entwined with me with petting and kissing and touching. Iíve had sexual three-ways before, but not emotional ones. There was a very different feeling there that Iím still trying to process.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 09-24-2015, 06:50 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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The roller coaster that is my life continues.

I had my annual doctor appointment yesterday. She's concerned about my weight gain and not sleeping. They're symptoms of depression. Well, duh. I realize I'm struggling right now, but I don't want medication or a therapist. I have nothing against therapy (I've been there before), but finding a good therapist is like finding someone to date. And of course when you're depressed, you don't want to do any of that.

I've struggled with dysthemic depression all my life. At this point, I'm pretty used to coping with it. I have the CBT tools I need and lots of experience at applying them. And I know that I need to make some changes in my lifestyle. I'm done drinking for a while. It will help with the overeating specifically and the depression generally. I'm going to meditate more. It will help with the insomnia.

Anyway, yesterday I got to explain to my sweet old Korean doctor about poly and why I wanted all the STD tests, just to make sure I'm clear. Once I reassured her that it was by choice and not coercion, she laughed and said it sounds like the new thing kids are doing these days. So receiving push-back from my doctor is one less thing to be anxious about.

The evening was great. Guitarist and I went to Nearby City to see a concert. I love going to shows. We also got to see one of Guitarist's childhood friends and one of my friends from college, since we all like the same genre of music. Guitarist was a little anxious about outing us as poly to his friend, but he ended up doing it and the friend was very "whatever makes you happy," so that was nice. My friend was a little weirded out, but we're making plans to hang out soon and talk more.

What wasn't so nice was rushing home and going to bed so that I could work today. I didn't sleep well. And then I was texting my younger sister a lot about the divorce this morning. She is a lot deeper into the drama because my mom provides child care for my niece at the house and my sister can't afford a different child care arrangement, so dad has been ambushing her on her way to and from work to "ask for opinions." Of course, if she offers an opinion he disagrees with, he argues with her. And mom has also been venting at her, no doubt in part because I won't let mom vent at me.

My sister struggles with anxiety, and the combination of her plans being disrupted, not having any security in being able to plan, being put on the spot, and being put in the middle really wears on her. Unlike with mom and dad, I'm willing to listen to my sister as much as she needs, talk as much as she wants, and reassure her that she's doing the best she can. She isn't trying to pick sides and is suffering as much or more than I am. Letting her vent (and let's be honest, venting in return) is the least I can do. But it's still emotionally draining.

I'm so amazingly thankful for the love and support from the people in my life right now. If not for Guitarist, Flame, Purr, and Marian giving me copious hugs, lending ears, and giving me good times, I'd be mired neck deep in depression and less able to help my siblings. Thier love and support has allowed me to pass some of that love and support on. That has been one of the most tangible benefits of poly thus far.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
Reply With Quote
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