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  #311  
Old 03-12-2018, 03:53 AM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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Something strange occured to me today.

During all those years of back and forth with Rocky I never lost hope.

But this week I ran into the man I really connected with online a year and some ago, I named him Flynn here.
But I'm going to call him by the username he posted here: Rainfall.

But with Rainfall I did.

It was the straw that broke the camels back. And yes he held no power to do this as such, yet I could take no more loss in that time of my life. No more pain of rejection from truly opening myself up as I did with him. I tried after that and no one has even come any where near close. The closest is Rocky and even then I no longer trust Rocky.

The problem is, because of the time apart and our own development, I don't know how we both feel truly anymore.

And its more complicated now that I am so far away, he was already in a different country, but now we're halfway around the world from each other.

The thing is. Something else strange happened. Back last november 2017 I got really ill, PTSD or something I don't know. And I was suicidal, and not doing well at all. The time I lost the dog I was taking care of etc- plus daughter's birthday.

Truthfully I've only had hope since moving here to the USA. And then I lost it again in November. And both times, Rainfall has known and tried to reach out and I keep shoving him away.

He..told me he had a dream about me being in a glass room, surrounded by all the pictures of all the peopel who hurt me, and his being the largest and no matter what he did he couldnt get into help me. I..this is very much how I felt then.

I'm really really glad he's back in my life. And theres no doubt at all that Xavier at this point isnt right for me. He is shipping out sometime soonish. A month? maybe less? He still tries to contact me but I put limits on it, and let phone calls go to voice mail, messages left unresponded or with a short messages saying i'm busy right now. And I am.

Of which I'll post about later.

I feel like..part of me with Rainfall, opens up a part of my spirituality that has long been dead since mormonism. It allows an outlet and belief for it that is hard to explain and why it hurt so much to walk away. He ha thought I hated him. I never did. I can't remember once ever thinking I hated him.

I didnt realise how much I missedh im till he came back in life, but its also tinged with sad.
Of missed opportunities that I dont know will exist again, and also theres trust issues becuase of how badly I handled poly, with the wrong people. Also because of shoving him away for so long. It was truly pure luck I ran into him as he was online in the same place at the same time. I had no way to talk to him as i even had him on ignore so he couldn't message me. Obviously at the time I ran away.


I am both near someone who held my heart in his hands and feel incredibly lonely around him at the same time. Melancholy is probably the right word.
I miss what we had.
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Last edited by starlight1; 03-12-2018 at 03:55 AM.
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  #312  
Old 03-13-2018, 05:29 PM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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Oh I forgot to mention I didnt just slow fade with Xavier, i did have a talk with him. I told him I appreciate the gifts and attention but that becuase he was now in the army, I knew my needs wouldn't be met continuing with him since he's not much a texter, and if he can't text then he mostly likely can't write letters and I dont need a romantic penpal in the army whom I may never meet.

The thing is I waited on this because if he didn't get in to the army we had plans to meet up. Thats not happening, I'm not going to wait around.

So I tried to soften the blow by saying I'd be open to more when he got back, but he said" [Star] you can't friendzone me then unfriendzone me, if I'm friendzoned that' fine." So thats what we are, I guess. Except without any romantic interest I have no desire for more male friends. I have plenty of those without any harbouring secret or past romantic feels. We will probably eventually be ok, given soem tiem since it was just like a month of talking and stuff and nothing romantic at all except the gifts he gave me.

That makes it easier especially since he'll still hang around Gamer and his crew and I still spend time with them online. I let Gamer know what happened to so the social network would be able to rally around him if needed guy support. It sucks to be rejected but it is what it is. He'll be ok.

Rainfall and I, we're both as a weird midground, we talk but time difference is hard, I did unblock him, and I do still care. But its just different in a way I can't explain. We are going to try but slowly, and that's fine with me.

I'm kinda got my hands full here in real life anyway! And that processing and stuff will have to be for later.
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  #313  
Old 03-14-2018, 02:40 AM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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soem big stuff happened on the home front.

My mom came in and had..what I'm starting to refer to in my head as an episode.

She baited me and harassed me and grandma in our home, after letting her self in. She still doesn't approve of me locking my door. I dont give a fuck if she cares or not.

Basically she tried to bully both me and grandma out of the house becuase she's unhappy living here even though shes the person who chose the place, I went along for the ride becauase I chose to. I sat here and listened without saying anything because I chose to. I chose not to escalate the situation.

My grandma said she'd go live in elderly housing, and I simply let her argue with ehr daughter. Its easier for me to deal with my mom when I see her from my grandma's point of view.

Then I pointed out in my head that worse comes to worse I own this house. It's in my name. She can't kick me out. I am worthwhile as a human even if I physically can do nothing- even if my health is bad. It doesn't change my internal worth. I didn't ask to be sick. I didn't ask to be a burden. But when she sneers at me and looks at me like I am something disgusting beneath her shoe...I have to wonder, why did I chose this again?

Oh that's right because I am the sole carer of the woman who will always be my real mom, my grandma and she needs me and I need her. And she won't be around forever, and when that happens, I will calmly and clearly deal with my mother then. Right now, I held my peace.

Also I had not many choices. But I am looking at other choices in case worse comes to worse and somehow I do end up homeless because of her. I'd hate for things to go down that way because if they do, that will be the last time I ever speak to her. I won't forgive her for that. It's cruel to do this to two dependant people. My grandma didnt ask to have all the various health issues she's had, and shes done the best she can. And she gets a lot of social assistances so my mom doesnt really have to take care of her. And also, I help her, and she helps me. We have a lovely home.

Here's an example of how our home is run, I am dealing ina lot of carer jobs right now for my gran. Cleaning, bathing, food, meds, etc etc. But I don't complain, and I dont tease her, and I don't call her out meanly or belittle her. I dont talk about it much on here because its her business- shes a private person. But I mention it in contexual way because Bio-mom is just down right rude about it. She came in and demeaned grandma about one of the carer things I was doing instead of taking me aside and saying " hey by the way can you please take care of that?" Also, it humiliated grandma, and me, and I just get sick and tired of her being such a jerk all the time. The longer I am here and the more kindly grandma and I take care of each other the more jealous and weird my bio-mom becomes.

I find myself walking around in a haze at the end of the day because I just cannot physically get away from my bio-mom. Everything she is drains me and lately I have taken to my room and just quietly being on my own when not caring- and also saying we are too tired to have dinner together.

In actual fact I don't see her for most of my day, just in the mornign and evening. But thats far too much already.
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  #314  
Old 03-14-2018, 03:47 PM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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Today I am grieving the loss of the mother I never had/ wish I had.

Taking of the denial glasses is hard.

For years I worked through the hatred and then grieved and accepted my dad's role in becoming an incest victim. He is no longer in my life. Hasn't been for years and never met my kids.

I haven't worked through my mom's role, or her roles after that. When she kicked me out twice. When threw a computer at me. When tried to take custody of Shooting Star. When she played an active role in helping my exhusband keep the kids in court.
All the times she belittled me, hated me. When she enabled him and blamed me...etc etc. And all the other things after that. I think I still hate her. And I am deeply saddened I do. I spent a year in therapy working specifically with this problem in 2016, I did a lot of work. But I still feel like i'm really only facing it now, because of my proximity to her daily. I don't know how to navigate this alone.
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Last edited by starlight1; 03-14-2018 at 03:58 PM.
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  #315  
Old 03-14-2018, 05:55 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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*hugs* if you want them, starlight1

You are a brave soul, doing your best by your grandma. Hold on to that as it's true.
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  #316  
Old 03-16-2018, 03:32 AM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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So, my former-friend, Acton, who I thought we'd do the fade I wouldn't see in a long time because of the weird platonic-him-being-freaky-control-thing happened a while back...he contacted me today out of the blue. Apparently he is coming into my town here in october to do a theatre gig that is touring the USA. Well! I think I might go with a friend just because, hey free tickets, and should be no social pressure as he'll be with his whole crew, and I am just going up there and back, not having any alone time with him.

Another person cropped up from my long forgotten past, a man from australia.

We started talking in an LDS chat room yonkers ago. (litterally like 7 years ago???)

Apparently he's a psychologist now (just got his BA) and remembered me, and looked me up (found me on my art profile), and wanted to ask if he could quote me in a book/thesis he's writing. So...naturally the curious part of me had to read the paperwork and this led to an hour long chat on his views on mormonism, and separating emotional states from religious beliefs. We were both in really different places and a lot younger when we chatted in the past, so this was a really interesting update from him. I'm still working on reading the thesis/mini book. That was quite flattering someone wanted to quote me

So now we're facebook friends and who knows, I said I'd let him quote me if he let me do the artwork for his cover.

Always the business woman first.

Actually I jsut had a thought. I ask the universe for a therapist and one shows up who knows me from years ago? Hmm...I think I might ask if he'll do this for free, or for artwork? or for editing? There's a will there's a way. Kinda ironic this happened when I'm really needing a psychologist.
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Last edited by starlight1; 03-16-2018 at 04:11 AM.
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  #317  
Old 03-16-2018, 03:35 AM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
*hugs* if you want them, starlight1

You are a brave soul, doing your best by your grandma. Hold on to that as it's true.
Thank you Opal. I really needed that yesterday. Today is doing much better, but I imagine it iwll ebb and flow as I come to acceptance. Yes, you're right I am here for my gran.

I did some self care and I reached out to Ariel yesterday, and she offered her spare room if I did ever get kicked out, so I at least have back up plans. I also contacted a local womens shelter for homeless people that helps deal with these situations, so I have 2 plans in case she goes crazy at me and the whole thing falls apart here.

She also came up with a brilliant plan to ask my gran for us to BOTH move out with ehr in social housing, which she would be easily accepted for. But the thing is with this plan, my grandma doesn't realise how far down the rabbit hole my mom and I go, and how my mom treats me- has treated me in the past, so its unlikely I would be doing my grandma any favours asking her for this while she is healing. So far allowing my grandma to call the bluff for my mom seems to be the temporary solution. But will it be a bluff when my grandma is no longer here? That's the worry for me. So there's a few options. We'll see. I wouldn't want to ask my grandma to choose between her daughter and granddaughter. We're all adults, I'll do my best to get more independent.

I'm nothing if not a scrappy survivor.
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Last edited by starlight1; 03-16-2018 at 03:44 AM.
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  #318  
Old 03-21-2018, 03:29 PM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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I'm having some really fascinating conversations with Mr. Psychologist.
Because he is currently leaving the mormon church and I have left, it's been rather therapeutic on both parties.

He can't be a therapist for me though because he is a child psychologist and this wouldn't be his speciality..

But also because he said he's expressed interest in me...

Why is it always in waves? No interest from anyone in months, then I hear from 4 people in the last 2 months.

I spoke to Xavier yesterday and we planned to hang out with friends on a game on saturday. I spoke to Rainfall, and I suggested we move to friends, and he also felt the same way, so ex's remain ex's but at least friendly.

There's more to update but for now I'll leave it here. Feel like i'm moving foreward purposefully.
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Last edited by starlight1; 03-21-2018 at 05:10 PM.
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  #319  
Old 03-23-2018, 02:11 AM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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So yesterday, I acknowledge that I really struggle with female friendships being platonic only if I get emotionally close to the woman, I end up feeling romantic. Even if the shape and things involved don't change. I've seen the pattern now in my blog, if they are close to my age and we spend more than once a week together, eventually my respect will either deepen and we'll get closer and I feel romantic, OR i'll keep them with that wall and I won't see them but every other week, once a month or something.

So how I feel about men and women romantically works quite a bit different.

When I feel something for a man, I usually feel it straight away, sometimes it's slow over time and happens but not often.But with a woman, I get to know her as a friend without any of those expectations and then, one day I realise I really care fo this person a lot.

This has kinda happened with Ariel and so I let her know. I asked if we could be cuddle friendship. She's only bi-sexual and not bi-romantic. And worried about leading me on. I said give me some time to have an established relationship elsewhere and I'd like to explore this. So we aren't doing anything like that until after I find someone, and I told her to just be really honest with me if she feels uncomfortable at any time. For now we're still operating as friends. This is fine for me. But I felt so relieved acknowledging my feels.

She said "Star, some people are able to fall in love easily because they see so much good in all the people around them, that's just who you are, and that's ok, you make total poly sense to me." I really love this woman like family, she's super awesome.

And trying things out with Xavier, traditionally monogamous, and also Rainfall again recently made me realise that the more I struggle against this need in myself to be able to express love, and not necessarily poly or sexual, but just to be able to say it to people, or in myself, that I don't have any other term that explains it.

The closest one is polyamory, but the types of love are all different for me. With Ariel it's very family, and not lusty. Not to say I don't ever feel lusty, but its not a *need* to have sex with her that makes me wants her, it's just this gradual respect and closeness that's been growing for some time.

Also, every time I try monogamy, I feel claustrophobic. It could be the people I am trying monogamy with. Or the concept itself. I have tried that relationship shape and it doesn't seem to work for me because I feel like any friends I make are dangerous male or female because loving more than one is wrong if I am monogamous. Even if I never act on it. Then I feel guilt an the cycle is really unhealthy for me.

BUT I also have anxiety around practicing poly. I mean, I'm still learning to openly communicate and trust that my partners are doing the same. Coming out from under the F.O.G. (Feelings of Obligation and Guilt) of Rocky, I felt really distrustful of what someone said = what someone would do.
Because he constantly dropped the ball. My only regret is I didn't leave him sooner.

And all of this is because of really great examples of healthy communication in my life right now. Ariel is one of them, but so is the Psychologist too.
I need to pen him a new name because we are talking this last week almost daily and pleasantly and regardless of his interest in me, I see us continuing on as friends.

But just to be clear I am very attracted to him

Let me think, I'll call him Dreamer.

Oh another positive of the whole poly thing is I suddenly have the resources again to deal with my bio-moms crazy. I went to the gym today for the first time in 6 months, and I loved it. I'm going again tomorrow. Yay back to healthy routines.

Dreamer said such a great thing to me the other day: he said, just make sure you stop and recognise, its not other men, or other people in your life that is accomplishing these things Star, it's you, your choices, your life. And it's ok to acknowledge it. So just sit there and feel the fact you hit a homerun, and that's ok.

I haven't done a lot of that, most of the time i'm beating myself up for falling terribly short of whatever perceived goal I have, or attributing my success to others. (E.G. I didn't lose the weight it was the success of the ladies on the board that motivated me, etc etc.)

Dreamer and myself's communication style is so deliciously easy and open. As we slowly uncover more about each other and I share with him what I'm doing openly and honestly the more I trust him- I wish all friendships or relationships or anything else were this easy.

And that is my update for today.
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Last edited by starlight1; 03-23-2018 at 04:16 AM.
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  #320  
Old 03-24-2018, 03:08 AM
starlight1 starlight1 is offline
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I've been taking this vitamin specially for the liver, and I think it's been helping, along with spring happening. It's more like summer here, although summer will mostly be triple digits, we got into the 90's today. I went on a long walk with my dog since I couldn't make it to the gym. I even caught some sun.

Dreamer said he is ok with me being poly, but wants to go slow and learn more. I am giving him the standard resources, as a person who likes to read about physchology the books should provide an interesting conversation starter. I also asked him if he's ok for me to refer to him on here as a pyseudnym and he is. We had our first...disagreement on relationship responsibilities. I argued that in a relationship I wasn't responsible for the other person taking care of themself, he says that the other partner is. I said I think we have a different idea on the terminology of what responsibility means. I am certainly not going to be responsible for him keeping on top of his mental health or physical health unless he's incapable of doing so etc. I am responsible for my kids, my dog, my gran, but I dont think or know how much that should extend in a healthy romantic relationship?

We got on this subject because he kept pestering me about when he thought I should sleep and I balked very firmly at this, calmly but firmly, that I will sleep when I wish to sleep and not when others wish I do so, even if they have my best interest at heart. This makes him sound really bad and he's not. I explained how if we were out and he made similar comments about my appearance or food choices I'd also balk at those. And he assured me that he's not like this in other areas but genuinely concerned for my sleep. So, I reiterated again that its not his responsibility to be managing my sleep. Worry about it if he likes but he can't manage it. I'm a grown woman, I will sleep when I damn well please.

So he said a lot of this has to do with his idea of a healthy couple, looking out for each other and having each others backs, I benched the topic because I decided that I just didn't want to go there right now, but i'm writing about it here because it will be brought up again. How in the world is he going to be ok with poly if he wants to spend every second together, and thinks healthy is basically monitoring each other? I am not sure. I think he expected it of me too and like preempted stuff saying when he goes to his platonic female friends house. And was like overly reassuring and stuff and i'm just like, dude chill, i don't care, even if you were fucking like rabbits i wouldn't care. And I don't. lol. She seems really awesome anyway.

Wow I've come a long way from a few years ago, I guess I have putting up with Rocky to thank for that. lol. I have grown a thicker skin. Little things just don't bug me with some people anymore.

Exception of my bio-moms constant yelling. Good grief, she remins me of the mother on big bang theory, who constantly yells "Whos at the door?" etc etc.
Except in a slightly less nasaly annoying way. I think i'm going to start picturing her that ludicrously in my head whenever she starts raging and it'll be like harry potter ridikulous spell and i'll start totally laughing inappropriately. Ah fuck it. i'm totally doing that. I am sick of having these migraines and letting her affect me.
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