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Old 09-29-2009, 07:34 AM
dgillan dgillan is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5
Default is it that hard

hey guys

i posted a thread called mono and poly. i havent been on for a while but i need to chat. so in my thread i was talking about my partner wanting to explore this guy for one night. they did end up exploring together even though i told her i wasnt ready.

when she told me, i felt relaxed and ok about it because the last couple of weeks i have let out alot of pain and tears so i mabey felt ready to hear it. she told me that our relationship wouldnt change and that if anything she would love me more and give me the affection i need.

well.......there is a change. she still has the need to see him and think about him. when we're at home i try realy hard to bring back some of the love and affection, but she pushes me away and say's she's to tired all the time.

i tell her how im feeling and say i did this for you now can you do something for me. but i feel she chooses to ignore it beacuse shae dosent feel this way about me anymore. i have said that i want to move out and get our own places, but she keeps saying that im running away from our problem and that i should stay. but im so unhappy but im so in love with her. she dosent know what i need even though i tell her all the time.

i give her space to live they way she wants to, but she cant make me happy by living the way i want to. what do i do
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Old 09-29-2009, 03:19 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
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Your partner is definitely not communicating or acting in a way that indicates she has the skills to balance a poly relationship.
Also, she did not exercise patience in exploring her other relationship and in affect betrayed your trust.
Are you running away? Not from my perspective. Is she caught up in NRE or perhaps not as poly as she thinks? Probably.

Think of the long term when deciding what to do. Is this something that will be worth it or healthy for you in the long run?

Take care

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
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Old 09-29-2009, 08:31 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Posts: 5,510

I have to agree with the last poster on this one.
It doesn't sound like she's as poly as she claims. I've been poly my whole life and frankly I can't imagine.
Just the fact that my husband is willing to TALK about it to me made me MORE affectionate with him and brought back a strength and love and power to my feelings for him-because I could be ME honestly with him in conversation-forget the acting on it part.
He's trying to open up to the idea-so we spend time with the other man periodically-but only AS FRIENDS-because I DO love my husband and I NEED him to be comfortable as much as I need to be honest about who I am and how I feel.

This partner of yours seems to be... well no ill regard intended-but a bit selfish....

I think some serious communication help is needed before anything can move forward.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 09-30-2009, 03:38 AM
dgillan dgillan is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5

this guy is so beautiful and one of my dearist friends, so im glad if she wants to explore with anyone, that its him. i do tend to talk about this alot and i know its my fault she gets frustrated at me, and thats why she has no need to fullfill my needs because i upset her.

she does keep saying that its happend now and lets try to move on and see if our relationship does get stronger, but at the same time i think im being a bit selfish because i needed or wanted some kind of reward for being the first person in her life to understand what she wants and needs. and because i didnt feel i was rewarded ( just with one night to our selves full of kissing and hugging ) i did get upset which made her distant from me.

i think i need to relax and take each day as it comes but i know for sure that we're meant to be together in the future just not right now, but its so hard to leave because we love eachother so much.

i'll keep in touch. your thoughts a very special to me, everyone of you, and i think the best thing i could have ever done is to this web page. xoxoxox
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Old 09-30-2009, 05:06 AM
JonnyAce JonnyAce is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 456

"i know its my fault she gets frustrated at me, and thats why she has no need to fullfill my needs because i upset her."

That statement bothers me a bit. everyone has problems in relationships, but just b'c you upset your partner, doesn't mean that they should stop wanting to work things out and fulfill your needs, especially when it comes to this situation.

As i always say i'm new to this so i could be wrong.
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Old 10-01-2009, 06:38 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Location: Canada
Posts: 7,732

I think Mono is right in that she is not able to balance more than one partner in her life. That doesn't mean she won't ever be able to, just that she is working on achieving that. Having been through that before with my husband and other primary I can empathize. I felt very unbalanced for sometime when it came to starting a new relationship with someone I found I loved more than any other partner besides my husband. I was very caught up in the mystery of him, the sexuality of him, the newness of him and the fact that my love was so huge. My husband was very patient with me and stayed calm and focused on allowing me the space and time to figure out the balance. He made no demand and was there every moment I wanted to talk without putting his needs and wants in the mix at all. He just listened.... he also did a lot of his own self esteem building and self worth building for no one but himself and in knowing that I love him, but can't always be available.

I think that perhaps there is something to be said for how she rushed into it. Perhaps that was too fast, regardless of how much you like the guy. It still was a bit disrespectful to jump in before you were ready... I'm willing to assume that she knows how much she can gently push you though as I certainly do such things with my husband.

Lastly, you have no idea what the dynamic is going on for her and this new guy... it may be something that you can not be privy to. Her privacy and respecting her space is probably a good idea... not to mention her right to having her own stuff going on.
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