One Penis Policy

[polylady]

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[Magdlyn]

Even though you're poly, your husband has a one penis policy and also can't even stand you commenting on a cute guy on the street?

For me, one of the big benefits of being poly is the basic ability for both my gf and me (who are both pansexual and gender variant, btw) to comment on cute people on the street without getting all bent out of shape. Heck, that's a good thing for even mono couples to be able to do.

I'd say it's time to negotiate. Maybe get counseling, for yourself, or both of you, if he'd agree, to help navigate the waters. You can't really practice healthy poly with low self esteem. Also, most women don't like to practice poly if there's a OPP, since that is inherently sexist.

Your h is so insecure about practicing poly he wants you to pretend you're never even attracted to a man, and even has issues around you possibly being penetrated by the clit of a transwoman? (Many transwomen don't like to penetrate someone with their clit anyway...)

I'd say his hurt and his being bent out of shape is his problem. You do not have to kowtow to his attempts to control you. You could make your own decisions and let him deal with it as best he can. Maybe he will learn something. Maybe he won't. Maybe he'll continue to be freaked out by the inadequacy of his penis. Maybe he'll learn that his penis and skills are just fine. Maybe he'll improve his skills and start working out as well.

You make your choices, he makes his. You don't have to tamp yourself down to boost his ego. If you're really poly and want the freedom to choose your own partners no matter their gender, you'll be miserable until you are firm in needing that need to be met.

[graviton]

I am a supporter of the OPP when it is used as a mutual agreement between partners. Everything is a negotiation in relationships. I know a lot of people view the OPP as misogynistic but I think it goes way deeper than that. Its a major deal to be able to get a partner to agree to an open relationship, if there are stipulations attached to it, is that not better than closing the relationship back up, or risking drama and heartbreak by demanding everything? I'm of the mind that since you are bisexual, why not take advantage of your superpower and enjoy the freedom you have been given while keeping things agreeable and safer feeling for your partner? Yes in some ways it is treating him as fragile but don't we all want to protect our loved ones and relationships from hurt and drama?

[kdt26417]

Greetings polylady,

You seem to be looking for a way to make your partner change his mind (about the OPP and men in general), yet by your own description he is stubbornly determined to stick to his position and be hurt and offended (to punish you?) for even bringing it up. I'm afraid it's going to be hard for anyone to think of a solution to your dilemma. I can't think of one.

I guess you have four choices:

• Break up with your partner,
• Magically make him change his mind,
• Have penetrative sex with another man (or a trans woman) and let the chips fall where they may,
• Obey your partner.

I suppose one thing you could try is meeting with a poly-friendly counselor. Go as a couple if he'll do it; if not, just go yourself and get some professional counseling about this. Maybe the counselor will know of some way to make him change his mind.

It's no secret on these boards that OPP's are a generally bad idea, but it's your partner, not Polyamory.com, who you need to convince. I guess you could show him this thread (and other threads -- do searches and tag searches for OPP and "one penis policy") to prove to him that general poly wisdom frowns on the idea of an OPP. Do you think if you "won the argument" with him, that would make him change his mind? cause sometimes when people see the proof, they just come up with an excuse to dig their heels in even deeper.

It would be good for him to overcome this jealousy/low self-esteem, but he can't do it if he isn't willing to try.

[bookbug]

Originally Posted by graviton

I am a supporter of the OPP when it is used as a mutual agreement between partners. Everything is a negotiation in relationships. I know a lot of people view the OPP as misogynistic but I think it goes way deeper than that. Its a major deal to be able to get a partner to agree to an open relationship, if there are stipulations attached to it, is that not better than closing the relationship back up, or risking drama and heartbreak by demanding everything? I'm of the mind that since you are bisexual, why not take advantage of your superpower and enjoy the freedom you have been given while keeping things agreeable and safer feeling for your partner? Yes in some ways it is treating him as fragile but don't we all want to protect our loved ones and relationships from hurt and drama?

I'm a major supporter of a one vagina policy. (Said with tongue firmly in cheek.)

[Dagferi]

Originally Posted by bookbug

I'm a major supporter of a one vagina policy. (Said with tongue firmly in cheek.)

Ditto.... When her boyfriend starts having sex with men then he can ask for a OPP.

But he heterosexual and isn't attracted to men you say... Well *gasp* she is bisexual and is attracted to both genders.

[Inyourendo]

My ex had a 1 penis policy. Didn't work for me so when I got with Nate I made certain that he was okay with me having both male and female partners. I kind of feel like if I can't be with someone of the opposite gender then its really not fair for the other to get that that

[Inyourendo]

Originally Posted by graviton

I am a supporter of the OPP when it is used as a mutual agreement between partners. Everything is a negotiation in relationships. I know a lot of people view the OPP as misogynistic but I think it goes way deeper than that. Its a major deal to be able to get a partner to agree to an open relationship, if there are stipulations attached to it, is that not better than closing the relationship back up, or risking drama and heartbreak by demanding everything? I'm of the mind that since you are bisexual, why not take advantage of your superpower and enjoy the freedom you have been given while keeping things agreeable and safer feeling for your partner? Yes in some ways it is treating him as fragile but don't we all want to protect our loved ones and relationships from hurt and drama?

Just because she's bisexual doesn't mean ahe will find female partners. I never did as a married poly woman. Pretty much the OPP my ex had guaranteed I wouldn't have other partners

[Vinccenzo]

He is limiting you to avoid addressing all the reasons for why another man in your life threatens him.
He imagines another guy will diminish his sexual hold on you. And as long as you do comply with his rule, it reinforces another likely subconscious worry in him - that a guy will assert his will on you and affect decisions you make. He has no reason to think that unlikely. After all you're currently tolerating your primary's control of you.
This also shows he has a very typical misconception of intimate relationships between women. He doesn't see them as real or deep. He can't conceive of a woman being capable of influencing decisions in you the way a man can.
He can't overcome these things with a partner who exhibits all he fears by being controlled.

[graviton]

You will see all kinds of reasons for why the opp is considered wrong. But I will still holding on to the fact that's the major reason why I understand it is because I think a lot of guy are grossed out by the thought of semen and penises other than their own being near the woman they love. I really think it comes down to something as simple as cooties. It does for me at least. Probably some homophobia in there as well.