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  #11  
Old 06-15-2018, 05:17 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HurtandConfused View Post
what if it was difficult to communicate it?
Then the person having the difficulty needs to own that.
Quote:

THere are some very un-compassionate responses here... there's always more than one side of the story...

Nothing is ever so simple, I thought this forum would deeply understand that?


I'd say the more important thing to you is, are you willing to WORK to make a relationship work (how ever it is configured) or not? if not then let it go, if you want to make it work, then give it your all.

Some things are simple, especially when it comes to giving.
If a relationship requires a lot of work there is something wrong. I think the notion of "relationships need a lot of work" comes from monogamism. Get hooked up with the first person you are sexually interested in. It turns out you arent1 as compatible as you thought so now you struggle to make it work. Not my idea of a great relationship.
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  #12  
Old 06-15-2018, 05:47 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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There has been a good point made, which is: Is it about netball and being together 4 times a week at work, or is it about being uncomfortable with polyamory in general?
I can see how it could be both. Like, maybe Sal is ok parallel-poly, but not so close with her meta. Or, she's not ok with parallel either, but not able to say so because that means loss.

If it's about netball and spending too much time together at work ... I think you could sit down all three of you and have the conversation about if any of you is willing to leave the team. Maybe Mel is going to America and than the issue is sorted. Maybe Sal can date you and not play on the same team. Find out. Or use these questions as a starting point to get to the root issues.
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  #13  
Old 06-16-2018, 07:59 AM
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There is another option. Treat netball as neutral territory. There you are just three teammates. Probably easier said then done, but it's workable.
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  #14  
Old 09-28-2018, 05:13 AM
Eva Eva is offline
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Thank you everyone for your thoughtful advice. I'd like to provide an update and seek some more guidance.

I broke up with Mel which was incredibly hard, but the right decision. we had a big love, but i didn't have the same sense of long term compatibility with her as I do with Sal. We decided to try to be friends.

Sal understood i needed some space after the break up, but that i wanted to be with her. She saw me being friendly with Mel at training. Sal was upset i was distant from her, and friendly straight away with Mel. Sal broke up with me saying i didn't get it, and that i hadn't been there for her for a long time when she voiced her discomfort.

This was 2 months ago. I am incredibly sad, lonely. i am hoping to get back together with Sal.

She is distant and says she doesn't know what she wants. I'm waiting, and have apologised for taking so long to decide, and then being inconsiderate infront of her. we had agreements months ago around netball, and being considerate of space. i didn't do this when i was openly friendly with mel, and resenting sal. i no longer resent sal, but this was something i did feel.

I'm trying to think of a way to win Sal back. She must feel so rejected and i'm trying to find a way to let her know i want to commit to her, and be together again. that i'm re-evaluating poly and what that means to me. she says she is also thinking what poly means to her.

i guess i just wait until she wants to talk, if she ever does. she said she sees me hurting and cannot be my person. that i need to get through this on my own. she says she is angry and frustrated with me. we have hung out only once. she is distant, but nice. i asked her if she wants to get back together and she says she doesn't know. and that she wouldn't know where to start.

i'm having a hard time reading her and holding hope for a future together or perhaps letting go. it's been two months since we broke up. Sal has a lot going on including captaining the team, managing work and coaching. she says she hasn't given it time to think about.

i'm trying to respect her needs and give her space. we share a few texts etc. i want to sing her a song and win her back in a grand gesture, but i feel like that would crowd her. i want to commit to her for the rest of my life, but i don't want to scare her off.

any advice would be great. i want to be able to live my life for me. but all i can think about is winning her back. she says she thinks i am just lonely and i don't want her. but that is not true. i don't know how to convince her that it is her i want. i told her we should be closed for a while and work on things before be talk about poly / open in the future.

how do i know if she is still maybe keen? do i just keep being polite and hoping we reconnect? am i being crazy?

Thank you.
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  #15  
Old 09-28-2018, 01:46 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eva View Post
i want to be able to live my life for me. but all i can think about is winning her back.
The answer need not be either/or. You can have both.

You can never go wrong when you're joyfully focused on living life for yourself. That always brings about the best unfolding for everyone. When we are hyper focused on someone else for whatever reason, it doesn't bring happy or satisfying results for that person or for us because hyper focus is born of anxiety. Anxiety never takes us where we want go. Instead of directing so much worry and so many anxious thoughts toward what she may or may not be feeling and thinking, put more focus on what you find fulfilling and satisfying. You'll find that proceeding from a more centered, calm and fulfilled foundation will lead you to many more satisfying experiences in all of your relationships, this one included.
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  #16  
Old 09-28-2018, 03:05 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry you struggle.

Quote:
i'm having a hard time reading her and holding hope for a future together or perhaps letting go. it's been two months since we broke up. Sal has a lot going on including captaining the team, managing work and coaching. she says she hasn't given it time to think about.
You asked if she wants to get back together. The response is that she's not made time to think on that. I would leave it another month, and check in. And then after that? Let it go. Because she's aware you want to talk about getting back together. If she's had another month to gather thoughts and not putting any energy in that direction?

Then it is not "joyous yes" sounding. Let it go. Then YOU can do your grieving/healing.

If you guys get back together much later down? That's great. But getting back together too soon? Doesn't give either of you time to heal and gain some perspective and figure out what it is you really want from life. And living in limbo forever? Doesn't help you adjust to this new life any. You guys were together 3 years. I think giving it another month for the dust to settle isn't horrible. Then it is only "up in the air" a short while more.

Quote:
any advice would be great. i want to be able to live my life for me. but all i can think about is winning her back.
Normal, since the break up is recent. Things haven't settled down yet.

Quote:
she says she thinks i am just lonely and i don't want her. but that is not true. i don't know how to convince her that it is her i want.
You wait. And give her space. Give it another month, and then contact her and tell you you still want to be together in a committed way, and you want to talk about what poly/open might look like in future. Does she want that? And if she doesn't? You say thank you and let it go.

Quote:
how do i know if she is still maybe keen? do i just keep being polite and hoping we reconnect? am i being crazy?
You do what she asks -- give her time and space. That shows respect and shows YOU are keen.

Could check in next month.

Could let both of you heal. Sounds like she's doing that by immersing herself in her work.

This would not be getting back together to the same old thing. This would be starting a whole NEW thing, just with a previous partner. What you can do in the meanwhile is think about what YOU want in your life, and if you guys get to have that conversation, see if she's still compatible for that because she wants those things too.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-28-2018 at 03:07 PM.
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  #17  
Old 10-03-2018, 06:17 AM
MayDecember MayDecember is offline
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If I may, the Cliff Notes version. From Sal's perspective.

A new girlfriend enters both personally and professionally for you, without clear agreement from the old girlfriend.

The old girlfriend objects. The new girlfriend must go. Except the old girlfriend has to go first. While she is gone and resented, the new girlfriend gets public displays of affection.

That's how Sal feels. And those feelings are the facts for you to deal with. Notwithstanding your insistence Sal is "the One" for you. Your forever relationship.

She would be advised not to trust you. That's what you would say, if you were giving her advice. It doesn't have anything to do with polyamory.

When we bring a mistress on board, the wife and I sign a written agreement beforehand. It goes on the bedroom wall. It's pretty detailed, with a financial agreement because it requires running two households.

I am never leaving my wife because she was already the wife I would never leave before she made me the mistress offer. She was so confident in her position that she felt she could make me this offer, and that it would even enhance her position further (it did!). Such wisdom at such a young age.

What I did was put her in charge of mistresses and make it clear to them that the wife was #1. They meet. The wife has access to my cell phone, email, and I don't hide live calls coming in from either one. Everyone knows exactly what the rules are going in, and the wife is getting calls/texts every morning and night. Not surrupticiously, but with the "I love you" in plain sight.

Resentment is the acid that eats away relationships. Resentment is caused by any little thing not worked out, not clearly communicated in advance and carefully shepherded through the potential stormy mountain passes of poly relationships.

What you want her to believe is that you have a heirarchy like my wife and I do: where she is secure in her long-term position as #1. This is a real common structure worldwide historically and certain conventions seem to stand the test of time according to journal articles we've read up at our University here.

And one convention, again, is the "major" vs. "minor" wife, the Wife/Mistress or the wife/paramour(s) model, whatever it is. But it is clearly heirarchical, and not just in name. The first wife, the one Sal would be, is on the title to the house and land, the retirement account, all the probate money and property, life insurance and etc. That is how you give someone security, this is just a timeless convention. You don't have children to worry about but there are conventions that make a lot of sense there too.

A minor wife (that's SE Asia designation) or mistress (European tradition) or paramour(s) model worldwide would have much lesser or no property interest at all. A long term partner can be granted property in a Will of course or have it bought outright for them, but not without #1 approving of it. In this tradition. I don't see why lesbians can't successfully follow it. You can buy a house with your #1, make investments together for retirement too, right?

Diplomacy and tact in these things is of such great import, especially in public and I had a situation similar to yours I handled very differently.

My wife was meeting the mistress. It was our third over the years, the first two having gone great. I came with my wife to the meet, this is the protocol you would be following that puts the wife as #1. The mistress was insolent. Isn't it clear what my response has to be? I have to back my wife. Publicly, my God what an indiscretion to put the wife down before a mistress. You have to put your crass urges down in public and follow rank in order to have your cake and eat it too.

My wife even said to forgive her, geez she was pissed at the time although she held her cool. But I left with my wife. If you want a person to believe they are the one you are always going to come home to, then that's what you do. You never would need space from the #1. That is the port you come running to in the storm.

I do not wish to put blame on you here but rather to have you see from her angle she was pretty publicly humiliated and as far as she is concerned you broke up with her not vice-versa.

It is so hard to recover from that. In my case above the three of us still tried to patch things up but little miss muffett just proved too jealous of the wife's position and could not act appropriately. I eventually took a great vacation with the wife, airfare and hotels, rental vehicles and great restaurants on the mistress' money we had budgeted, lol.

So I think you have to focus on yourself and your character, your personal development here. Regardless of whether we choose poly or mono or whatever, it seems to me this absolute clarity of intent with all players is paramount.

It is certainly unclear to Sal. She doesn't just feel rejected. She WAS rejected, in favor of the #2, by diplomatic standards of tact.

So you've learned from that. I am not losing my wife by doing that. I believe you have lost yours. You can try stumbling on but trust is something that takes a very long time to earn and only moments to destroy.

Therefore you cannot expect this to happen, with anyone, not just Sal nor Mel now either for some time to come.

Yet, this too shall pass. Good luck to you.
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  #18  
Old 10-03-2018, 02:35 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Hi Eva,

Would you mind clarifying where you and Sal stand on Open Relationship, or Polyamory, in general? All these months and it's still not clear.

Was there an agreement made, and boundaries set, at the beginning of your relationship with Sal to:

Have casual sex only, in "outside relationships?"
Both be poly?
You poly, her mono?
You poly, her doing casual sex?
Parallel poly or kitchen table poly?

It sounds like Sal was NEVER happy with you dating Mel, being in love with her, becoming entangled.

Did Sal ever have another partner, or is she mono?

Did Sal ever agree to polyamory, that is, joyfully consent?

Did you know you were poly before you started dating Sal, or was Mel the first one, and you "dropped the poly bomb" on Sal?

With the way things went with Mel, it sounds like Sal tried really hard, despite not being happy, to work around you having another romantic relationship. And you worked, and Mel worked, limiting your dates to once a week. Unfortunately for Sal, you and Mel also spent a lot of time playing ball together. I'm not sure if that is separate from the "job" you and Sal work at, and Mel works or worked at.

So, everyone was basically bending themselves into pretzels to try and make this work, despite resentments.

I guess you've moved out of your shared home with Sal at this point. Anymore more talk of Mel moving to the US to be with her long distance partner? Or is she still on the team, needing to be social with you and Sal despite all the breakups?

If I were Sal, I'd hesitate to take up with you again. I'm sure you're a great person, but you seem to be hardwired to be poly? And Sal isn't really on board with polyamory. It sounds like she wants a mono partner. And that's OK. You can and will move on and find new partners who are joyfully poly themselves. Not right away. But things will get better.

We can never fail if we are true to our authentic selves. You already know that, being lesbian in a hetero-centric world. (Just so you know, I am pansexual, and somewhat non-binary (using she pronoun) and my partner is a transgender female and also pansexual. We are both poly.) Now is the time to face it, you need to be true to your poly nature too. And Sal is being true to her need to heal and grieve and decide if she can ever (joyfully) BE poly, or BE WITH a poly person. Give her respect and time. And if she never wants to really talk it all out again, that will suck, and make closure for you harder, but you'll just have to find closure in other ways.

Dating is hard. It can be such a rollercoaster. sigh...

Starting a blog here is one way many of us vent our pains and joys, our progress and our stumbles, in the world of polyamory, dating, relationshipping, breakups, NRE and all the rest.
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