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  #31  
Old 06-20-2018, 04:04 PM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
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Originally Posted by Ravenscroft View Post

Above all, don't fear the fear. That takes something likely harmless & starts feeding it power, which doesn't go well -- it makes me think of taking a large, clumsy, docile animal & feeding it nothing but beer.
Ha! I think Ponytail has used this exact analogy when we've talked about fears too. It kind of ties it together for me with the "Taming Your Mammoth" article.
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Me: 34, F, Bicurious

Amours
Glasses: my husband of 9 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual
Whiskers: potential (guy I am dating) —> 42, M, Queer

Metamours
Ginger: Glasses' partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM), LDR

Kids
Bug: my daughter with Glasses --> 3 years old
Pearl: my daughter with Glasses --> 5 years old
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  #32  
Old 06-20-2018, 05:15 PM
icesong icesong is offline
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I don't think any of this sounds necessarily unethical, especially in a situation where Ponytail is seeking more casual/playoriented/FWB situations and is up front about it. I think in the long run the one spot I could see it breaking down is if he DOES develop TheFeelz™ for one of these partners, and wants to have a relationship that's not quite as mediated through you - is "blanket permission" something you'd be willing to consider for a particular person after (some length of time / number of experiences / other criteria?

That said, on the boards I read on FL, this sort of arrangement is FAR more common amongst the non mono than it is on the more nonhierarchical / RA boards I read on facebook etc. Do you have an account there? It might be worth posting about this there, as well, even if through a sock puppet account.
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  #33  
Old 06-20-2018, 05:34 PM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
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Originally Posted by icesong View Post
I don't think any of this sounds necessarily unethical, especially in a situation where Ponytail is seeking more casual/playoriented/FWB situations and is up front about it. I think in the long run the one spot I could see it breaking down is if he DOES develop TheFeelz™ for one of these partners, and wants to have a relationship that's not quite as mediated through you - is "blanket permission" something you'd be willing to consider for a particular person after (some length of time / number of experiences / other criteria?

That said, on the boards I read on FL, this sort of arrangement is FAR more common amongst the non mono than it is on the more nonhierarchical / RA boards I read on facebook etc. Do you have an account there? It might be worth posting about this there, as well, even if through a sock puppet account.
Yeah, the dominants I have talked to online are through FL. I initially just brushed them off as vaguely unethical and not “really poly” because they were okay with having rules about what their submissive could do with other people. I think that the epiphany that I had this morning is that it isn’t necessarily unethical to treat people differently than how you’d want to be treated — that as long as they are okay with the rules, it’s maybe okay to have rules that you’d chafe under if you were in their position. Still kind of trying that mindset on for size....not sure how I feel about it yet.

I don’t have any problem with him developing TheFeelz for someone else, although I can imagine that it might change our dynamic if he did. But that’s okay with me — I want him to be happy and if he falls in love with someone super awesome, I’m pretty okay with that. It just might mean that we’d need to rethink the whole D/s dynamic if the other partner was uncomfortable with it.

I don’t think I would want to be involved beyond the initial request for permission anyway. Like, I wouldn’t want to have to have a conversation every time they played together. That sounds exhausting. It’s just that in-between time —between someone texting him and a physical relationship — where I feel like I am powerless and confused.
__________________
Me: 34, F, Bicurious

Amours
Glasses: my husband of 9 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual
Whiskers: potential (guy I am dating) —> 42, M, Queer

Metamours
Ginger: Glasses' partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM), LDR

Kids
Bug: my daughter with Glasses --> 3 years old
Pearl: my daughter with Glasses --> 5 years old
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  #34  
Old 06-20-2018, 05:45 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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I think Ponytails take is much more important than our.

When Idealist wanted to implement such an arrangement I was like "Hell no, I'm not gonna tell any other person to go ask you!" and our clashing ideas about DS and nonmonogamy led to one of the worst crises we've had But that's just me.
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  #35  
Old 06-20-2018, 06:21 PM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinwen View Post
I think Ponytails take is much more important than our.

When Idealist wanted to implement such an arrangement I was like "Hell no, I'm not gonna tell any other person to go ask you!" and our clashing ideas about DS and nonmonogamy led to one of the worst crises we've had But that's just me.
Good point. Thanks for sharing your experience! This whole thing is kind of a minefield....
__________________
Me: 34, F, Bicurious

Amours
Glasses: my husband of 9 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual
Whiskers: potential (guy I am dating) —> 42, M, Queer

Metamours
Ginger: Glasses' partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM), LDR

Kids
Bug: my daughter with Glasses --> 3 years old
Pearl: my daughter with Glasses --> 5 years old
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  #36  
Old 06-20-2018, 09:04 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Originally Posted by MsEmotional View Post
Yeah, the dominants I have talked to online are through FL. I initially just brushed them off as vaguely unethical and not “really poly” because they were okay with having rules about what their submissive could do with other people. I think that the epiphany that I had this morning is that it isn’t necessarily unethical to treat people differently than how you’d want to be treated — that as long as they are okay with the rules, it’s maybe okay to have rules that you’d chafe under if you were in their position. Still kind of trying that mindset on for size....not sure how I feel about it yet.
This is how my relationship with my boyfriend works in some ways. For example, I tell him details* about other relationships/other guys, either because it's something I want to share, because I need to vent, or because I want his advice. This is something he's agreed to, in part because he seems to like hearing those details, especially when I'm sharing something positive and happy. But I can't tolerate hearing details about his other relationships. I end up feeling insecure and jealous, and sometimes angry if he tells me about something he does with another partner that he doesn't do with me but that I want. So I've given him very specific, firm boundaries about what I am and am not willing to hear. I've also asked him if I'm being unfair by having one set of standards about what I can talk about to him, and a different set about what he can talk about to me. His response was no, it isn't unfair, it's just that we have different levels of what we can handle hearing.

*As far as details I share with him (or with Hubby, or with anyone else I date), I tell all partners and prospective partners up front that I will talk to my other partners about a lot of things, because I don't have many people I can talk to about my relationships. If someone isn't okay with me telling my other partners something, they can tell me to keep it to myself and I will. If someone isn't okay with me telling my partners *anything*... well, they aren't compatible with me. But I don't share anything without making it clear that I will be sharing, or without giving the person the option of telling me not to share it.
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  #37  
Old 06-22-2018, 12:17 AM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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Personally, I wouldn't want to get sucked into their dynamic by having to ask permission. I might feel different if it was just scene play. However, I believe it is a fairly common thing, though I tend to view guys who do that as insecure.

Once I was doing a scene in a club and a guy asked if he could rub her bottom after a spanking. I enjoyed telling him no...lol.

All in all I don't see an ethical problem with setting up D/s rules even in poly. At worst it will only limit potential partners for Ponytail. I'm sure he could still find some partners though. I could see having fun with some of the restrictions you've laid out.
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  #38  
Old 06-22-2018, 04:48 AM
MsEmotional MsEmotional is offline
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Originally Posted by vinsanity0 View Post
I could see having fun with some of the restrictions you've laid out.
I am happy to report that this was the effect it had on Ponytail.

I just got back from his house. After some initial hesitation about it limiting his pool of potential partners, he got super into the idea of me having that kind of control. So, at least for now, it seems like it would be a good fit.
__________________
Me: 34, F, Bicurious

Amours
Glasses: my husband of 9 years --> 35, M, Queer
Ponytail: my first-poly-date-turned-boyfriend --> 35, M, Pansexual
Whiskers: potential (guy I am dating) —> 42, M, Queer

Metamours
Ginger: Glasses' partner --> 30ish, Transgender (FTM), LDR

Kids
Bug: my daughter with Glasses --> 3 years old
Pearl: my daughter with Glasses --> 5 years old
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  #39  
Old 06-22-2018, 06:56 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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That's good news!
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  #40  
Old 06-23-2018, 05:13 AM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MsEmotional View Post
I am happy to report that this was the effect it had on Ponytail.

I just got back from his house. After some initial hesitation about it limiting his pool of potential partners, he got super into the idea of me having that kind of control. So, at least for now, it seems like it would be a good fit.

That's awesome!
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