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Old 05-19-2018, 06:32 PM
Ravenscroft Ravenscroft is offline
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: NW Minnesota
Posts: 1,724

Labelling (potentially valid) doubts "jealousy" will get you LOTS of well-intended advice on how to ignore your intuition. Set that aside.

There's a downtown bar I hang out at. I know a lot of the staff very well, & have encouraged them to NOT hang out there after work, because it can so easily undermine their authority with regular customers who might come to see them as a "buddy" & thus expect them to overlook social errors that the bar owner WANTS to be called out. (Yah, I know him, too.)

And IMO this becomes even messier if they spend evenings there with someone they're dating. Moreso if there's (or has been) fraternization.

So my first suggestion would be to stop that, & actively avoid "poking the bear."

It'll probably be beneficial to back away from the "my bar family" thing. Maybe get a job that's a job, & have friends that are friends, & step back from intentionally blurring the lines.
Originally Posted by BelleRose View Post
I don't really think that's the case.
from his tone
it seemed like
it seems to me
I don't think
I think
if it was
You're avoiding the sort of direct responsibility that separates polyamory from general nonmonogamy.

Your feelings are your feelings. But you show a strong tendency to avoid discussion, clear statement, & actual conversation, instead mind-reading what he thinks, how he feels, what he wants or intends or at some unspecified time in the future might do.

If you're going to rely upon your feelings, then stop cherry-picking them. If you cannot trust him, then stop trying to twist yourself around to trust him. If your core says he IS trustworthy, then it's not "jealousy" to ask him if he could take some relatively simple steps to validate such trust -- if he does so, & that's still not enough for you, THEN you can begin to examine what it is within you that is ACTUALLY worrying you.

Last edited by Ravenscroft; 05-19-2018 at 06:38 PM.
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Old 05-23-2018, 12:53 AM
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BelleRose BelleRose is offline
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 63
Default Post-Talk Update

Thanks, everyone! As always this forum was really instrumental in my being able to approach this topic bravely. I can't express my appreciation enough.

As it turns out one of you was absolutely right about the boyfriend just being the excuse that my SO gave her in the moment. It turns out that he would never have considered having sex with her under those circumstances, and upon realization that I was worried he would have were the boyfriend not in play he literally squealed, "That's crazy!"


I'm quite relieved, but also glad that it was an ice-breaker for talking about boundaries, expectations, etc. The biggest relief is in how easy the conversation was. He's so compassionate and never fails to consider my point of view. It's possible (read: likely) that I made this a lot bigger in my head than it needed to be.

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Old 05-23-2018, 09:15 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 16,076

I'm glad things worked out.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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