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Old 05-16-2018, 02:17 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
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Others have given you better advice than I could, but I just wanted to say that it sounds from your post like the other wife is aware that it isn't okay for her to dictate your sex life with her husband, and it sounds like that's something she wants to work on not doing. If that's the case, then I would say there's reasonable hope that you all can work this out, assuming her husband is willing to speak up for himself.
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Old 05-16-2018, 02:40 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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I am also guilty of walking on eggshells with the other wife. When we sit down to talk, I need to be more up front with them that I don't think she should be so controlling about what is going on between me and her husband... just for her own peace of mind.
I'm going with generic names just to make this a bit easier to read. (I'm happy to go with what you pick if you change them.)

Maybe say something like "Jane (Wife) is telling me to talk to Bob (her husband) more. Bob is telling me to talk to Jane first. This is mixed messages/confusing to me. I need to clarify my communication preferences. I prefer to talk DIRECTLY to the person I want to talk to rather than "through" the spouse first.

I see the larger poly network is made up of "mini relationships" inside. My husband and I are a mini relationship. Neither of you gets to help vote what couch we pick out for our house. You two are spouses. Neither of us gets a vote on what couch you pick for your house. As we date, Jane and my husband are a couple. I don't get a vote on where they go to dinner or what movie they see and I do not interfere. I'd like the same respect back. Me and Bob are a couple. I'd like Bob and I to be the ones who pick the things for our mini relationship.

I am willing to respect agreements and boundaries if reasonable and rational.

We need to calibrate what each person thinks is within their concerns. (Ex: knowing that the spouse and the new partner use birth control, practice safer sex)

We need to calibrate what each person thinks is NOT within their concerns. (Ex: That couple A likes to do it standing up in the shower)"

That conversation could be the whole group if you want. The "What is TMI and what is not?" conversation.

You may also have to have a separate conversation with him alone about HOW he talks.

It is one thing if he has agreements with his wife to keep and he says "No. I cannot have children with you. I have agreements with my wife that I choose to keep. I don't want more kids and I agreed with her not to have more kids/give my kids half siblings." In that voice, HE is in charge of his choices.

It's another if he talks like his wife controls all. "My wife says I cannot have kids with you." If he uses that voice, WIFE is in charge of his choices or he acts like wife is and uses her as excuse. That's off putting either way.

I feel like we are doing a lot of talking about it all, but not necessarily communicating well and understanding each other.
That may take some time. You can help by broadcasting your stuff clearly in plain language. Your preferences, what you are and are not up for. Do active listening when someone else is talking.

You could also say "Ok, let me summarize that in my own words so I know I got it how you mean it. You said...." and "Now repeat back what I just said in your own words so I know you got it how I meant it" to help cut down on misunderstandings.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-16-2018 at 11:14 PM.
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Old 05-16-2018, 10:52 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,534

Originally Posted by newandexcited View Post
Hello all!

We met another couple and we have all been really good friends and getting closer over the past couple years. They also have never tried any kind of open relationship, but are familiar with the concept.
Has there been any discussion on how or who started the move into an open or poly marriage.

It sort of sounds like the is involved in a sales job. Let his wife get comfortable and hoefully distracted then jump into the pool or rather slip intomthe pool while no ones looking.

On the other hand we’ve seen plenty of women who claim to want poly and then flip out when their husband becomes active.

It might be helpful to know the origins of all this.
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