New to Poly

LilMissB

New member
So I'm really new to poly, I've been in a poly relationship for six months now, and I'm still struggling. I don't know personally know anyone in the poly community besides my partner and I'm just looking for some advice and to hear stories from others.

When I came into the picture with my partner, I was strictly monogamous with him. He gave me great resources to look at so I could learn about poly and he answered every question I had and still have. In the beginning, he had two other partners he was involved with. One was heavily involved, and the other was kinda in and out, but it was really hard for them to see each other due to their schedules with work and family and everything else that they all deal with on a daily basis.

For now I'll call my partner X. About two months ago, he started a new relationship with another woman who I'll call A. Without giving too much detail, X and I have to be extremely careful when it comes to social media and posting things about each other, and going out to dinner or whatever because of our situation at this time in our relationship. With A there isn't a limit to going out in public or social media so they can pretty much do whatever without a limit. A gets to see X more than I do, even more so than his past partners.

I will get on social media sometimes and see posts that A tags X in and I feel hurt because I can't do that, and I know why I can't, so then I feel bad for feeling hurt. This has happened multiple times but I think A's birthday is what hurt me the most. I didn't get to hear X's voice or see him or anything on my birthday because of how our schedules worked out, but on A's birthday she got to stay the night and go to dinner with X. That instance hurt me because I couldn't do that and I didn't even get a phone call. A wanted to add a relationship status with X on social media, and I kinda freaked at first because initially I didn't feel that it was fair since I can't do that. It also hurts when A goes to see X three times a week, compared to my twice a month.

I had some really uneasy feelings last week and I was terrified that I was going to lose X and everything we have. I was scared that I would slowly be replaced, that I would eventually be forgotten about, or that I would lose the priority I have over A. I realized I had a little bit of jealously in there on top of those fears. I struggled. Something that X and I have is whenever I feel uneasy, I write it out and then share it with him. So I wrote everything out, and we talked about it.

After talking to X and watching some videos I found online, I felt much better and I came to a realization that nothing will take me away from him and nothing will cause him to forget about me or stop loving me, and that no matter what happens, I will always be a priority to X.

I am very curious to how others deal with uneasy feelings that arise in your relationships and how you overcome those feelings, and how you feel when a partner starts to get involved with a new partner.

Also I should add, that A knows that I am a high priority to X, and that I mean more to X than practically anything else. Thank you in advance to whoever shares their stories or gives me advice. I appreciate it greatly.
 
If Facebook is a problem, then get off Facebook.

Honestly, I have a rule with my guys - if they are seeing someone else and they start getting gooey on Facebook, I will unfriend them and unlink myself from them. That sort of thing raises my anxiety and jealousy sky-high, more so than actually in-front-of-me making out. (Which has actually never been an issue for me at all.) So my husbands (who are so far monogamous) and my dating partners are aware, on Facebook it will come down to who they'd rather be friends with there. I won't make a fuss, just it is a serious issue for me - for whatever reason - and it is easy for me to deal with if needed. No one needs to make changes to their behaviors, just me. It would be unfair and inappropriate to ask someone else to alter their normal.

So, my suggestion is to stop feeding the beast that is jealousy/envy and be done with the social media monster with your shared partner and metamour.
 
If social media is an issue. Limit your exposure to your triggers.

Why can't you be public on facebook about your relationship worth X?
 
If Facebook is a problem, then get off Facebook.

Honestly, I have a rule with my guys - if they are seeing someone else and they start getting gooey on Facebook, I will unfriend them and unlink myself from them. That sort of thing raises my anxiety and jealousy sky-high, more so than actually in-front-of-me making out. (Which has actually never been an issue for me at all.) So my husbands (who are so far monogamous) and my dating partners are aware, on Facebook it will come down to who they'd rather be friends with there. I won't make a fuss, just it is a serious issue for me - for whatever reason - and it is easy for me to deal with if needed. No one needs to make changes to their behaviors, just me. It would be unfair and inappropriate to ask someone else to alter their normal.

So, my suggestion is to stop feeding the beast that is jealousy/envy and be done with the social media monster with your shared partner and metamour.

That makes sense, thank you. That's something I'll have to consider doing. I haven't met his partner yet, but we've talked about meeting each other and I think that may help some too.
 
If social media is an issue. Limit your exposure to your triggers.

Why can't you be public on facebook about your relationship worth X?

It could affect his job negatively, so we're waiting a bit longer before we come out completely. We're slowly starting to become public but it's still a huge risk and we still have to be careful. There are a lot of people who know about us, we just can't be public on Facebook and such.
 
I agree with the others. If you need to, just unfriend X on social media. Or block A. As for the amount of time they see each other, if that's an issue...if you want more time (whether it's actual in person time, a phone call, or just a dedicated time texting/messaging), then ask for it. Sometimes, it really is as simple as that. Our partner may not be able or willing to give us what we're wanting, but we can often negotiate something else that's equally acceptable. And, we definitely won't get what we want if we don't ask for it.

Also, your area (Columbus, OH), has a really active poly group. It might be worthwhile to check it out....might give you more resources or even poly friends. You can look up 'polyamory' on meetup.com, or google Columbus, OH polyamory or Cincinnati, OH polyamory.
 
I agree with the others. If you need to, just unfriend X on social media. Or block A. As for the amount of time they see each other, if that's an issue...if you want more time (whether it's actual in person time, a phone call, or just a dedicated time texting/messaging), then ask for it. Sometimes, it really is as simple as that. Our partner may not be able or willing to give us what we're wanting, but we can often negotiate something else that's equally acceptable. And, we definitely won't get what we want if we don't ask for it.

Also, your area (Columbus, OH), has a really active poly group. It might be worthwhile to check it out....might give you more resources or even poly friends. You can look up 'polyamory' on meetup.com, or google Columbus, OH polyamory or Cincinnati, OH polyamory.

I will have to negotiate with him for more time, everything is still so new for me. That's really good to know that Columbus has an active poly group, I think finding some more resources and actually having poly friends will help me. Thank you so much. :)
 
Oh... my. :(

Firstly, not everyone is cut out to be polyamorous. Really, it's a lot of effort, & pretty much requires at least problem-solving ability & the willingness to do so.

Second, not everyone is cut out to be poly right now. Clearly, it's all totally new to you. This will take time for you to process, to grasp, to internalize. Myths aside, reading a couple of books & watching a few videos isn't enough to earn you an associate degree, & that's about what you need to get properly started in polyamory.

This part worries me:
I came to a realization that nothing will take me away from him and nothing will cause him to forget about me or stop loving me, and that no matter what happens, I will always be a priority to X.
Is that what you verifiably KNOW... or what you BELIEVE... or what you WANT to believe? You have some credible doubts, & sticking a JEALOUSY label on them & packing them away (a common bit of "PC Poly" bullshit) does nothing to examine the issues at hand, much less address them.

It sounds more than a little like he pulled a "bait & switch" on you: get you to commit to him, then say, "oh, by the way, I'm fucking other people."

And maybe it's just the way you tell the tale, but you sound like his back-up plan, the one who'll be waiting when he can't hook up elsewhere.

Finally, as others have said, GET THE F@CK OFF FACEBOOK. You say it opens you up to job hassles, AND it gets you all riled up with sh!t you're unwilling to / incapable of facing up to & maybe fixing. If you're tired of sticking a fork in your own eye, then maybe you should first put down the fork.
 
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Finally, as others have said, GET THE F@CK OFF FACEBOOK. You say it opens you up to job hassles, AND it gets you all riled up with sh!t you're unwilling to / incapable of facing up to & maybe fixing. If you're tired of sticking a fork in your own eye, then maybe you should first put down the fork.

No need to be so harsh to our new member, Raven, and curse at her. She is a real person who is negotiating a new world and needs our help.

I know of at least one long standing member here whose metamour posts on FB to their shared partner in that ooey gooey way, and she is irked by it. "Getting off FB" is not the only answer. Many people these days rely on social network to, um, network socially with friends and family, and to promote their businesses.
 
I know of at least one long standing member here whose metamour posts on FB to their shared partner in that ooey gooey way, and she is irked by it. "Getting off FB" is not the only answer. Many people these days rely on social network to, um, network socially with friends and family, and to promote their businesses.

<raises hand>

Not sure if you meant me, but I'm definitely in that group. :)

Yeah, it's irritating. Part of my "irked-ness" (word?) is that I tend to feel like I'm too involved somehow in their "together time" when I prefer a level of separation between relationships. Photos from trips, etc., set this emotion off, and I pretty much just need to stop following their feeds for a while until I can better manage it (all at once, when I want to, rather than popping up at random).

The rest involves public perception of the different relationships - she's more gregarious in FB comments, etc. than I am (which is funny, because we're the exact opposite IRL), and there's definitely been impact where people think they're "the couple" and I'm... I dunno, just there?

At any rate, no, getting off FB is not an option for me. I network with coworkers there, I follow certain groups that get me some great music for my spin classes, I stay in touch with family far easier than we would otherwise, and the same for HS and college friends. I will not toss out the baby with the bathwater.

Could I unfriend my meta? Sure, but it doesn't really solve anything in my mind - the public perception bit will still be the same. The other "I feel involved in your together time" issue is something I can and do manage fairly well now, so it's not worth leaving FB (or unfriending her) over. Plus, she and I do communicate over FB from time to time (via messenger, events, etc.), so it'd make things a bit more difficult.

Getting back to OP, though, my experience is that asking your metamour to change their FB habits won't really solve the problem... reason being, you're asking them to stop doing something that triggers your emotions, but they're not in your head and therefore can't truly understand what it is that you need. They stop posting this one thing, do something else that they feel is innocuous, and you find your emotions are getting fired off again. You're mad that they're not doing what they said, and they're annoyed because they did do what you asked and you're still getting torqued off with them.

I learned I can't ask my metamour to manage her FB posting in a way that takes all the uncomfortable emotions away from me; I instead have to figure out how to deal with it. I'm mostly there, and probably as "there" as I'm going to be, without making some radical changes to the way I use FB. My choice.

Not sure if any of that helps - when it was all new to me, *so much* would fire off my emotions, it became a rather large, long-term game of "whack-a-mole". It seemed as though we had the same conversations over and over and over (and over). Over time, though, as we worked through things one by one, it did get easier. At this point (five years in), the things that are left are the really sticky, difficult ones. However, being able to manage the other stuff makes the remaining issues more bearable.

Take your time, communicate your feelings, communicate them again (because you'll get tired of doing it, but you'll still need to do it!), and figure out what you can and can't do. The realization that your partner values you and doesn't want to leave you really does help here, and I'm glad you have that. :)
 
She is a real person who is negotiating a new world and needs our help.

"Getting off FB" is not the only answer.
There should at least be some sort of moratorium, & (yeah, IMNSHO) sooner == better.
X and I have to be extremely careful when it comes to social media and posting things about each other ... It could affect his job negatively ... it's still a huge risk and we still have to be careful ... we just can't be public
Not only is LilMissB in "dirty little secret" status (with hopes/promises that it will get better somehow, someday), but viewing the updates of the other two increases her tension.

Options? Sure. Use Facebook (etc) & DO NOT keep tabs on he others, at all. Meantime, work on disentangling all those emotions, & maybe have some long discussions with the therapist.

Or relax, be totally zen, magically cease all those negative emotions by force of will.

There's so many FEAR words in that first post (paragraphs 4-5) that I can easily see LilMissB making a vaguely inopportune post, & subsequently being blamed for ANY hassles her b/f might encounter at work. As she isn't particularly secure at the moment, I really doubt this will give her any added sense of stability.

So, yeah, until boundaries are clearly defined & inner strength is found & aid is explicitly requested AND received in negotiating this potentially tricky situation, then backing away from the negative stimulus ASAFP is the best first step.

I say it with some force because I received the impression that she will dither, & cavil, & consider, & waffle, & run an increasing risk of a melodramatic misstep. And out of "sympathy" she'll receive plenty of encouragement to be wishy-washy, & I'm hoping to cut through the noise before something implodes.
 
Hi LilMissB,

I am in a poly-fi V, and the other two people in it constitute the legally/lawfully-wedded couple. Since we are mostly in the closet about our poly-ness, I am the one who has to pretend like he's "just a friend." This used to bother me a lot. To be honest, the way I dealt with it was mostly to just get used to it a little at a time. It took several years. And it still bothers me slightly, or I should say, my preference would be to out ourselves. But my companions are reeeally afraid of doing that, so, to respect their wishes, I keep it under wraps.

They certainly don't treat me like a less-important person; I am as highly-regarded as if I were a second husband. I'm sure that helps me.

Anyway, that's my story.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417, thank you for sharing that with me. I have adjusted quite a bit since I posted this a few weeks ago and things are getting better. Some things still bother me a bit, but I'm getting there. Thank you again, I truly appreciate it. :)
 
No problem; glad to hear things are getting better.
 
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