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Old 05-16-2016, 07:27 PM
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Spork Spork is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 2,312

You know, I look back at the people who loved me when I could not love them back...and despite what I say here, there were far more of them, than there were people that I loved with any great passion...and how I reacted to that...

In the past, I have emotionally or physically distanced myself.

I have faked the funk. I have allowed partners to think that I loved them in the same ways or to the same degrees, when I didn't.

Most notably was my looonnnng marriage. I used to, without reservation, simply tell him that I loved him in return. Eventually I felt a need to be more honest. I began to tell him that there was a chance, that when the kids were grown, I might leave. I began to tell him that I was sorry, because he has always been so very in love with me, and I do love him for the family connection we have, but I have never been as passionate for him as he was for me. That I was just doing my best with the cards life had dealt me.

It has been very hurtful to him that I never loved him as much or in the way that he loved me. He feels that our entire marriage was "a lie" because I never wanted to be with him. There is so much more to it than that, but I don't want to be deceptive. And immediately rebounding from that, to the Worm King, who was impossible to read (rare--as I said I can usually read people and I couldn't read him)...and who did not want to explore his own motivations with me and be communicative about what he was seeking or where he could meet me...he was sometimes deliberately confusing, I think...

After all of that stuff, I just want to be totally upfront. So at this time, if someone told me that they loved me, I would smile and be good to them, and I would ask them what that meant, and I might tell them that I didn't feel that way but I appreciated it. If I were building a new relationship thing I might tell them if I thought maybe I needed more time to feel that way. We would have seperate conversations about life escalator stuff and relationship style so that they know very well where I am at.

In my present polycule, I did not have instant "bonfire style" passion for any of them except Fire (somewhat.) I was kind of unsure of the others at first. But they seemed like good people, so I decided to give it a chance. And it DID grow into a beautiful and wonderful kind of love with each of them. A kind that feels a LOT less perilious than the immediate and explosive, obsessive kind I've had in the past for a few of my partners.

But that bonfire is a lot of fun while it lasts, usually not long but still. I wish very, very much that I could have that and enjoy it and NOT have it wind up being hurtful and messy and confusing. I would give nearly anything to find a partner where we both feel the same bonfire and both enjoy it enough to keep doing it. I've wondered pretty much my whole life if that is even possible.
Spork 38 F
Zen Sadist mid 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Partner

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad for approximately a year, until about July 2016. I still consider them much-loved friends.

Ninja- 17, Son
Q- 15, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband
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Old 11-27-2017, 04:23 PM
Kelstar Kelstar is offline
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 5
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Ive been thinking about this exact thing for a few weeks now but couldnt really put it into words! Thank you thank you thank you!!!!! I feel this way about my secondary partner right now and i expressed it and i think it freaked him out a little bit. Now i can explain things properly.
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Old 11-27-2017, 05:44 PM
sunray sunray is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Western Massachusetts, US
Posts: 119

Glad you bumped this thread, Kelstar! It was a great read for me, as RacingSnail and I have just this kind of mismatch in our relationship. (Heís the slow burn, Iím bringing the fireworks.) Iím really quite proud of how weíve been able to be honest with each other every step of the way, and make allowances for each otherís very different styles. Frankly, for me, having another partner really helps me not put any pressure on him to feel things in any particular way, or on any particular schedule.
Me: (39/F/cis/queer/poly)
My loves:
MonkeyMan (36/M/cis/het/poly--married 10yrs)
RacingSnail (40/M/cis/het/mono--BF 1 year, LDR)
MightyCupcake (34/F/cis/bi/mono--bestest exGF, engaged to Dynamo)

Follow the sun at...
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Old 01-11-2018, 03:07 PM
libertinelover libertinelover is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 4

I enjoyed this article as it really speaks to the situation I'm in and something I'm struggling with at times.
Just over a year ago our 20 year marriage became an open marriage by mutual consent with the view to having separate NSA sex on the side. But of course I went and fell in love with my F-buddy. I don't believe these feelings impact on or are a threat to my marriage so I'm not worried about that. For a while I felt like the article said - even rehearsed the disclaimer I would give if I told my FB I was in love with him.
- That it was just a feeling I had at the moment, not a commitment or promise or expectation. It might last a day or years. It didn't mean I wanted any change to the way things were and I didn't need him to return the feeling. (I never did say any of this.)
But as time went on, I had a growing longing for him to be in love with me and tell me and at times I have felt quite heartbroken believing he doesn't (I really don't know!).
I wish I could go back to not needing reciprocation - or to be precise - not needing to know for sure that he is in love with me, when it wouldn't change anything, and I know he cares about me, desires me, was/is infatuated with me. Why do I pine for that extra validation I attach to him saying he loves me?
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Old Yesterday, 04:29 PM
nelleyram nelleyram is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 1
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Actually, I am at an impasse as to how to negotiate this site.
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