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Old 07-13-2018, 03:19 PM
Shrughug Shrughug is offline
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Lightbulb Quick New Long Distance Romance Advice?

Hi there!

So yeah I'm twitterpated... and she seems to be so as well! <brain explodes>
I want to make sure I go into this wisely and with a poly-mind. Do you have any advice for me that are specific to the situation?

I met this woman, Lisa only 3 weeks ago while she was in town touring with her band. She lives in Philly and tours all over the world.
We met through Tinder and conversation was really great right off the bat.
Over the next week we had gone on 3 dates and each time progressed a bit more. I know that seems like a lot in one week but I think there was a sense of 'well, she is leaving so might as well invite each other to this thing or that'. We were also just hitting it off so well, we both wanted more. I guess that's obvious.
The last night before she had to leave for Philly I stayed the night at her place where she was staying. This was our 4th date. This was my first time sleeping over, waking up next to and having a lazy morning with someone besides my primary. It was SO NICE.
The night before, she mentioned that she would definitely be back and that she was actually thinking about moving here...I definitely filed that into my brain. (She was thinking about it before meeting me. Living here would be really great for her professionally plus she loves the beach and the weather)
I have been poly dating for a a few years now and making the occasional connection here and there. This person was letting me in closer in one night than others had not. With the people I am hooking up with, I consciously try not to make too deep of eye contact for fear of scaring them away. But after a few times of looking away from her eyes I realized she was still holding my gaze and that I was welcome to look back... Holy smokes that makes the sparks fly.
From our brief conversations about polyamory and dating I knew she was currently living with her X. I knew Lisa wanted to try to work on things but her X did not. The morning she was about to leave she explained her situation back home a bit more in depth. She is married to her guitar player in her band and they have been monogamous up to this point. Lisa explained that she had not wanted to be monogamous but decided to give it a try with this person. Before meeting and getting married to her guitarist she had been in polyamorous relationships and believed in it as her relationship style. She told me that she was going back home with a plan of having a talk with her wife and for them to go their separate ways and MAYBE Lisa would move out here to L.A.
All of that sounded fine to me but it also made me wary that she was going to be going through a big change. Telling her parents that she was getting a divorce after she had come out to them when she got engaged. That's a big upheaval. I only considered for a moment that I could be a rebound. And I'm glad I'm not worried about that. She brought up it up herself and assured me that it doesn't feel like a rebound to her. I am more concerned that with emotional upheaval comes the need to reconnect with yourself and have alone time. And would she be responsible enough to communicate and take that time or would she ghost?
I said goodbye and we tripped over ourselves trying make sure that each other felt like there were no expectations but that we hoped to keep talking. I did tell her that I hoped she moved here and then I took it back realizing that was too much pressure to put on her. I told her honestly that I was happy just having spent such an exciting week with her and that I was ok with whatever happened from there and she said the same.
So current status is: It has been 3 weeks since I met this person...I cannot believe that because it feels like it's been months.
A couple days after getting home she sent me a mix tape playlist with some gushy songs about love and feelings and quick start romances. A few days ago she told her wife that she was moving to LA and that she met someone there. Then she told friends about me and yesterday she told her dad that she and her wife were getting divorced. I sent her a playlist yesterday (she actually sort of asked for one ) with my own gushy songs about trusting me and just wanting to have fun and that I'm here for her etc.

I keep leaving space for her to feel all of the feelings that must be coming up with this huge change for her but she seems to be fairing it all really bravely and just moving forward. I don't know her yet so I don't know if she shoves down her feelings or if she is actually allowing herself to feel them. I don't know. But hopefully she is just super emotionally responsible and just doesn't know me enough to gush or that's just how she deals. She doesn't really elaborate when she talks about things she's going through but she gives the honest run down and that it'll be ok.
The plan is to come back to LA in December (5 months from now) to look for places to live and to move January/February. Jeez I just realized 5 months is almost half a year...
We talk everyday but are trying to navigate not being distractions to each other. The time difference helps because I don't have the urge to contact her until afternoon for me and for her that's already later in the day. She tends to contact me first probably for this reason. That makes me feel good because I don't want to be needy.
So here we are. We both want to see each other again when possible. We talk and flirt and clearly care about each other.
Some anxiety comes up now and then about a few things:
1. How do I mentally prepare for the inevitable cooling down of those hot feelings? I won't see her again for 5 months at least. Especially with her being a touring musician.
I am trying to dive into my work but then I get worried that she is going to think I'm pulling away. From how we have interacted so far it feels like we are both doing the same thing to each other, treading politely and caringly. Doing a little dance with each other's feelings.
2. I have considered going on Tinder to keep myself actively poly but I don't have any urge to... But should I anyway? She might go on dates and maybe it will make me feel better if I am also already dating other people when I hear about it.

Thank you for reading!

Last edited by Shrughug; 07-13-2018 at 03:22 PM.
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Old 07-13-2018, 08:19 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Shrughug,

I remember your first thread, you were worried about lost time and worried that your worry would chase off your best prospects. Now you have a wonderful connection with someone, and you just want to do it right. It sounds to me like things are going well between you and Lisa, I am not too worried about it, but, I am not in the situation so maybe it is presumptuous of me to speak for it. I will try to address your two main concerns.

To mentally prepare for the cooling down of NRE, you must concentrate on your work, and on the other things in your life ... while caring tenderly for her feelings, and letting her know that you are not pulling away in any way. Hopefully she will do the same for you.

As for Tinder, I don't think it would be bad to keep using it, as long as you really feel like it, don't force yourself, just use it a little at first. She might go on dates too, but that's not 100% for certain, if you are going to go on dates, do it for yourself.

I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 07-14-2018, 10:52 AM
sunray sunray is offline
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It sounds to me like you’re thinking about the right things and watching out for the right potential problems. As to your questions...

1. It’s important to keep grounded in your ‘regular life’ as much as you can during NRE, and you can balance that out (in my experience) by deciding (with your partner) how much communication feels good in general, and striving to meet that quota even when the NRE fades. FWIW, I’m 18 months into my LDR, and while the ‘sleepless and goofy’ part of NRE only lasted the first two months or so, I do find that I get pretty gushy and romantic over this guy still.

2. If you’re planning to go on Tinder dates, make sure it’s because you’re authentically interested in connecting with more new people. Otherwise, it’s not fair to them! It’s okay to take a break from that, if you don’t have the emotional energy. There are other ways to deal with a partner dating than also-dating.

Wishing you all the best!!
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Old 07-14-2018, 03:46 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is online now
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I might be a little wary of being part of the Spousal Replacement Program. Is that what you meant in your first question? Having been there it did work out for me. If things die down too quickly then you know she made the decision while in NRE.

As for Tinder, what have you guys discussed about being poly. One problem that can come from LDR is that it could be perceived that you are losing interest. It takes a little effort to ensure your partner they are still in the loop.

I've had a couple new relationships occur at the same time. It gets to be a little overload for me. I think I prefer starting one at a time.
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Old 07-14-2018, 07:11 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shrughug View Post
Some anxiety comes up now and then about a few things:
1. How do I mentally prepare for the inevitable cooling down of those hot feelings? I won't see her again for 5 months at least. Especially with her being a touring musician.
Whose cooling feelings, hers or yours? It sounds to me like time may not cool, but change and even deepen true feelings of love and caring, if you two really are a match. When NRE fades, real love grows.
Quote:
I am trying to dive into my work but then I get worried that she is going to think I'm pulling away. From how we have interacted so far it feels like we are both doing the same thing to each other, treading politely and caringly. Doing a little dance with each other's feelings.
That is basically common in new relationships, that dance. How do we fit together, socially, sexually, spritually, time-wise, depth of commitment-wise? Dating is hard (poly or not) and this is all necessary work to get to keep the magic of being in this person's life.

Quote:
2. I have considered going on Tinder to keep myself actively poly but I don't have any urge to... But should I anyway? She might go on dates and maybe it will make me feel better if I am also already dating other people when I hear about it.
Only go if you want to. There doesn't need to be that kind of fairness in poly. And you can ask her if she's "dating" others on her tours. Fucking, going out to eat, whatever.

You might find it tricky to date a touring musician even if she does move to your city. She won't be around 24/7. So you'll have to get used to being apart a certain amount.
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