Came out today and would appreciate any advice/support

kittyy

New member
Hi,

Call me Kitty. I'm 22 (and super nervous about my first post here lol).

I just came out as polyamorous to my partner, and he took it pretty well I think. He didn't jump to thinking it was about himself being inadequate, or that I loved him any less, which is ultimately what I was worried about. He held me while I cried, told me that there was nothing wrong with the way I felt and that he just wants me to be happy, and he's glad I told him.

He said that he is okay for me to have sex with other people so long as he's there too, but he isn't too comfortable on the idea of relationships or opening ours up. It's progress and I’m grateful for even that, however being able to engage in alternate relationships is something that's important for me. I explained my feelings on love and how I don't believe it's finite, and that I want us to engage in separate relationships and potentially introduce another person into our relationship if we felt it was right, and he accepted what I was saying but I could see it was making him uncomfortable so I moved the topic to more common ground.



My question is, has anyone ever been in a similar situation? I'd never force my partner into doing anything he didn't want to, and I already made clear that I don't want him to do anything he doesn't want to through fear of losing me - to which he agreed he wouldn't - but alternate relationships are a big deal for me. Is this something that can be worked towards? If he sees me engaging in sex with other people and sees that it really doesn't diminish my feelings for him, will this create more trust and thus, more willingness to open things up? Am I just hoping for too much too quickly?



Thank you for reading this - and thank you to whoever created this forum, it's already made me feel much less alone!
 
Greetings Kitty,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Your partner may very well warm up to the idea of polyamory, it's just that there's no way to predict that ahead of time. Probably your best move is to bring the subject up from time to time, and see if his mind has changed. If it never does, you will have to decide whether you can give up on poly prospects. You will also have to decide how long you are willing to wait for him. I am hopeful that he'll eventually warm up to the idea, but I also know there's no guarantee. :(

I hope you'll enjoy your stay on Polyamory.com in any case.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Welcome aboard!
 
Hi Kitty - and Welcome to the Forum. My wife asked me to transition our marriage to poly about 18 months ago - and even though I was familiar with the concept of polyamory because we have an openly poly friend, her request was quite out of the blue and it took me a while to agree to it, although ultimately I did (full story in sig link below). While I did my part to be fair to her by doing a lot of reading, study, and processing, I also believe that she did all the right things in her approach. I summarized those things here:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=362157&postcount=23
as an addendum to my introductory post.

Of course, as Kevin noted, he may never agree to it - in which case you might eventually have to make a choice between a poly lifestyle and your partner, and only you can do that. However, it does seem promising that he is willing to consider consensually non-monogamous sex - maybe a first step. Best of luck on this journey! Al
 
Hi,

Call me Kitty. I'm 22 (and super nervous about my first post here lol).

I just came out as polyamorous to my partner, and he took it pretty well, I think. He didn't jump to thinking it was about himself being inadequate, or that I loved him any less, which is ultimately what I was worried about. He held me while I cried, told me that there was nothing wrong with the way I felt and that he just wants me to be happy, and he's glad I told him.

He said that he is okay for me to have sex with other people so long as he's there too...

Watching you have sex, or giving you sex while another person does too, or actually having sex with your other partner, these are all options for group sex. But they are not "polyamory." They are just group sex. Kind of like "swinging."

Polyamory is loving more than one person, with the joyful informed consent of all involved. This may mean you have sex with your current partner, and sex with another as well. It may mean you love both but don't have sex with either. It may mean you love and have sex with one, but only love another.

And since deep true love is hard to find, it may mean you love and have sex with your current partner, but date, and have sex with, and maybe find love with, or maybe not find true love and compatibility with, another (or many others). Then break up, and keep dating, looking, hoping for love...

That has been my experience. I have loved, and sexually been involved with, one woman for 9 years, living together for 5. But as far as other partners, I have dated and had relationships with others (mostly men, one other woman) lasting a couple dates, to a few months, to 2 1/2 years. Sometimes it was "love," sometimes it was "fondness," sometimes it was FWBs, or almost a fuckbuddy situation.

My long term partner Pixi has stayed with me while I adventure into poly dating and relationshipping. She has been so supportive. She has had far less bfs/other significant others than I have, since we have been together. Only 3. Her present OSO and she have been seeing each other for 5 years, and it has gradually gotten more loving and stable and rewarding.

...but he isn't too comfortable on the idea of relationships or opening ours up. It's progress and I’m grateful for even that, however being able to engage in alternate relationships is something that's important for me. I explained my feelings on love and how I don't believe it's finite, and that I want us to engage in separate relationships and potentially introduce another person into our relationship if we felt it was right, and he accepted what I was saying but I could see it was making him uncomfortable so I moved the topic to more common ground.

You are not "introducing another person into your relationship" with your partner. You would be adding another relationship into YOUR (singular) life. Your current partner might not like this new person and only be able to say hi and bye politely. He may become platonic friends with him or her. He may even want to become a lover of this hypothetical other person... Usually however, mutual partners of one person are polite acquaintances to friends. Going full on into a sexual triad is extremely difficult emotionally. Read around this board by searching for "triad" to see all the pitfalls.

Polyamory is so relatively new in our culture. Most people have barely heard of it. It is misunderstood and mocked. It can take time for anyone to explore it, through reading (books and websites), talking to polyamorous people who are experienced (either irl or on a board like this), and talking between the two of you.

You are brave to attempt this. Brave, and wise. Especially since, at 22, you are very young. At that age we are still getting to know ourselves. We are refining what we seek in a mate or mates. There is no rush to "settle down" at 22. I did, and I was never really happy. I met him at 19, got married at 22. I gave up my freedom and autonomy for security and conformity. My ex h and I stuck it out a long time, but my truly poly nature was always the elephant in the room. Suppressing it wasn't fair to me, or to my husband either! He was always jealous and suspicious.

... If he sees me engaging in sex with other people and sees that it really doesn't diminish my feelings for him, will this create more trust and thus, more willingness to open things up?

Seeing you having sex with another is not polyamory. It's seeing you having sex. It might turn him on, or it might rack him with jealousy and cause severe damage to your relationship. Some men even go nuts and harm their female partners if they see them have sex with another man and "enjoy it too much." (You will probably experience infatuation with the new person. We call it New Relationship Energy, where you become obsessed with the new person, and desire frequent intense sex, lots of texting, etc.) This can even happen if it's the male partner's idea for his female partner to have sex with another man! The human psyche is complex.

If you are bi and want to have sex with, and love, another woman, it's not fair to expect a potential female partner of YOURS to be watched having sex with you by your guy, much less to expect her to fuck him if it's YOU she is into. This can happen, of course, and can even be requested, but it's not a guarantee it will reduce or eliminate jealousy for anyone. Do YOU want to see your male partner have sex with another? Would that turn you on? Or would seeing it make you feel jealous? What if he got obsessed with her? What if she decided she wanted HIM more than you? Etc., etc.

So, tldr: Polyamory doesn't mean group sex. Group sex does not guarantee a reduction of jealousy, and might even cause worse jealousy.
Thank you for reading this - and thank you to whoever created this forum, it's already made me feel much less alone!

Welcome. Keep reading and venting and asking questions!
 
Welcome.

He said that he is okay for me to have sex with other people so long as he's there too, but he isn't too comfortable on the idea of relationships or opening ours up.

I happen to think sharing sex with other people IS a form opening the relationship up. It is not polyamory, but it's another way of relating. The difficulty is that sex can lead to "feelings" and he sounds opposed to that.

Where you sound like you WANT loving feelings in another relationship, but sound tempted to "take what I can get for now" in the hopes that it will become what you really want later.

You mention twice that alternative relationships are important to you. I think you could go for what you want from the start. Even if it means letting this relationship go.

I'd never force my partner into doing anything he didn't want to, and I already made clear that I don't want him to do anything he doesn't want to through fear of losing me - to which he agreed he wouldn't

Does that apply to you too? Is the expectation that if this doesn't work out, you both will amicably part ways rather than hurt yourselves or see the other one hurting themselves?

Is this something that can be worked towards?

Sometimes it can. Sometimes it cannot.

If he sees me engaging in sex with other people and sees that it really doesn't diminish my feelings for him, will this create more trust and thus, more willingness to open things up?

It might diminish his feelings for you. Or it might not.

And sharing sex where he's watching or he's participating like group sex ... it is still not polyamory.

I don't think trust is the only thing to opening the relationship up. There has to be a willingness to go there.

I trust my spouse. I don't like golf. Building more trust? Still not gonna make me like golf or make me willing to go play a game. I don't think there's anything wrong with golf. I get that other people enjoy that. But *I* just don't.

Am I just hoping for too much too quickly?



Possibly. I find it easier to accept people at face value. Where they are at TODAY.

At this time, he wants to date you. He thinks he could deal with watching you have casual, no feelings, sex with other people. (But neither of you knows for sure.)

At this time, you want to date him. You don't sound like you want recreational sex on the side. You want actual polyamory.

So... at this time you guys only match for (dating each other.)

I'd leave it there for now and keep talking. Skip the casual sex on the side -- because that might damage things. And even if "successful" it's still not really what you want. Sounds like a side trip to me when the energy is better spend talking to your partner.

If it comes down to the wire you may have to choose.

1) Give up the want to poly, and stick with wanting to be with this partner in a romance. Perhaps he becomes willing to talk to you about your poly thoughts and feelings. So it feels more Open to you. And for his sake you remain Closed to just you two for his sake.

2) Give up the want to be with this partner in a romance, and stick with your want to seek polyamorous relationships and keep dating.

I think sorting all that out is enough of a load/process without adding possible extra load from casual sex on the side.

Galagirl
 
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