the story of a secondary

I was totally "awwww" reading that <3 I can see, though, how it could bring up quite conflicting emotions.
 
I don't mind being vulnerable, generally, but it's kind of terrible to be vulnerable to someone who's not vulnerable in the same way to you.
Sometimes I wonder how it is that I, a 50-something woman who has been in a gazillion relationships, experienced many hardships, and in the midst of dissolving a 12-year marriage, could feel so vulnerable with someone.

I am pretty darn certain that whatever makes this difference in affection and love so "terrible" is not the feeling of love itself. Love just is. Nor is it the feeling of being vulnerable, which can be so exciting. It is the wishing things were different, the hoping for more than what I have, and the belief that what he can give is not enough somehow, which creates pain. I have come to realize that it is expectation and longing that hurts - not the love and vulnerability we feel. I keep working on letting go of that, and to just love. I keep reminding myself that to love someone is to let him be who he is, and to create a space for him to feel free.

I'll stop rambling now. Oftentimes, when you write, Annabel, there is a sentence or two that just sparks some thoughts and feelings that have been tumbling around my head.

But that vulnerability... is such a beautiful thing. I think letting ourselves feel that vulnerable really helps us to also become strong. Two sides of the same coin.
 
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Thanks for sharing, Nyc. :) I'm glad you guys are doing well, and I'm glad we can find food for thought in each other's stories (because it definitely cuts both ways).

This I especially liked:
"But that vulnerability... is such a beautiful thing. I think letting ourselves feel that vulnerable really helps us to also become strong. Two sides of the same coin."
 
Gia and Eric work at the same place, a large and powerful company. Friday night was the company's annual holiday party, and, since they both work there now (Eric had for years, Gia just started this year), they could both go and still both invite others as their one guest each. An ideal situation for poly folks. Gia brought me, and Eric brought Helen, a friend and, newly, lover of his, who I mentioned very briefly when they first got involved about a month and a half ago.

We all had a great deal of fun taking the event very seriously, like a prom. Eric actually rented a tux. Gia dressed me up in a gown and heels, did my hair, and put makeup and jewelry on me. She was dressed impeccably, and Helen looked very nice as well. Our friend who was babysitting Bee for the evening also happens to be a photographer, and he took portraits of us, separately and together.

Despite all the prep, the party was far more lavish -- and crowded, despite the fact that it sprawled over multiple floors -- than either Helen or I had envisioned. I reveled in it (and in the open bar, though I'm proud to say that I don't believe I became obnoxious at any point), Helen seemed nervous all night, Eric mingled effortlessly, and Gia seemed more at ease than Helen but still stuck near the people she knew.

It was a very interesting experience, being out in a poly pod without actually being "out" (Gia and Eric aren't out at work). Being out or in didn't really come up, since no one questioned who we were. More than anything, I just found it delightful. Gia looked so beautiful, Eric so handsome, I was proud to be with them, and felt protective of Helen. We talked about many things at great length, both with others and amongst ourselves, and ate and drank a great deal. It felt almost dreamlike in a way, slightly unreal.

Gia mentioned again, recently, that she worries that our relationship is unfair to me because the pace at which she is able to explore her sexuality is so slow. I wrote her a long email today explaining all the ways in which I feel extraordinarily lucky to be with her. The more I thought and wrote it out the clearer it seemed to me. I'm interested to see how she responds.
 
The party sounds amazing. :) And I really like the idea of writing down everything you appreciate in Gia and your relationship, for her to see and for yourself as well. It works for me too, when I write stuff down or talk about it with someone, it usually sinks in better that way.
 
Gia mentioned again, recently, that she worries that our relationship is unfair to me because the pace at which she is able to explore her sexuality is so slow. I wrote her a long email today explaining all the ways in which I feel extraordinarily lucky to be with her. The more I thought and wrote it out the clearer it seemed to me. I'm interested to see how she responds.

So, immediately after I sent the long email, I sent another one with a haiku summing it all up. She replied, thanking me for the tl;dr version and saying she was really busy and that she'd probably have a chance to read the rest tomorrow (aka the day that just passed). I explicitly said in the email that I didn't require much, if anything, in the way of a response.

She hasn't written back yet. There is absolutely no reason for me to be worried.

And, yet, here I am freaking out. Just a little! Well, enough that I felt like I needed to come here and talk about it. Like, what if I said the wrong thing, what if I took the wrong approach, what if she's asking herself if she can really handle this?

Ugh ugh ugh. I really hope she writes back tomorrow.
 
I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until she's written me back. I can handle so many things with aplomb, but uncertainty makes me fall apart. This is like being in high school again and it suuuuucks.
 
Lack of feedback is so hard. Our imaginations are ASSHOLES and manage to come up with something (or many things!) a million times worse than any feedback our partner(s) would EVER give, even if they were to give negative feedback (however unlikely). *HUGS* I get it, and I'm sorry you're currently going through it.
 
Thanks, TGIG, it helps to hear that stuff. I'm just going to work on not thinking about it, I think that's all I can do right now.
 
I'm at work and don't have much time to write. But I had to let y'all know this news with all due speed.

First off, Gia responded to the email. She said that it was very nice and reassuring and that she loves me, proving what I already knew -- that I was an idiot for ever worrying.

And...

I told Eric I loved him, via online chat. I was just ready, I finally couldn't not do it anymore. I almost didn't even care how he responded. I gave him a little preface about this being for my benefit, to get it off my chest, and about being happy in our current relationship and not needing anything to change, and then I said "I love you. I love you completely. I think of you like family, but sexier." Then I admitted that I felt incredibly awkward. He said "aww, it's fine", and thanks (with a smiley face, for extra sincerity), and that he was glad that I felt comfortable enough to say something. It doesn't sound like much, but it was pretty much the best response I could have expected, and Gia concurred that it was the height of responsiveness and sensitivity coming from him (he loathes conversations about feelings and would generally much prefer not to engage on such topics), especially considering the less than ideal time of year (he tends to shut down in winter).

I feel more quiet and calm in my heart about both of them than I have... since I started this blog, really, since ever. I'm going on a four-day out-of-state trip tomorrow, traveling on my own for pleasure for the first time in my life, and now I can do it with clarity of mind.
 
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I have a huge urge to hug you! Consider yourself virtually hugged. :)

I'm so happy for you!
 
yay! It must be nice to finally get that off of your chest, hope when you see each other next it's easy and relaxed for, which it probably will if you don't overthink again ;)
 
Heh! Talking about nice development and positivity and such :) So happy for you :D
 
Thanks so much, ladies. :) I thought y'all would like hearing about it! It really is a huge relief to feel like, for the first time in so long, there's nothing I'm holding back.

I love the fact that, of the five of you, two live across the country from me and three live across the world from me. The internet is awesome.
 
Fun fact -- Eric started his new blog at Gia's request as a way for them to communicate with each other and stay connected.

Apparently, when he started seeing Helen, she got a little antsy. Which isn't surprising. This is the first time since Jen, their ex, that he's been intimate with the same girl more than once who wasn't either Gia or me. When Jen was on the scene he got, er, a little forgetful about boundaries and respect and honesty and all that good stuff. So, even though he's worked hard to change, and their relationship has strengthened since then, it's still scary for Gia. It's kind of good, for me, to be reminded that, with all the worries I sometimes have, I'm not the only one in this situation who struggles with fears.

I just really really really love the fact that, instead of placing a bunch of restrictions on his connection with Helen as a way to keep their marriage "safe", Gia focused on strengthening *their* connection. It just makes so much sense, and doesn't seem to be the direction in which many people go. But, then, they did already have their huge, stereotypical new-to-poly triad explosion on the way to where they are now...
 
I asked, on facebook, for suggestions of songs to fit a mood. A number of people responded with one or two. Gia made a 42-song playlist and sent it to me.

That is all. :)

<3
 
Life has been so interesting lately.

My little solo trip was *awesome*, I visited five museums in four days and read a lot. Being on my own in an unfamiliar city suited me well, I loved the fact that I didn't have to compromise my whims based on what anyone else wanted to do. It made me wonder if solo poly is really what's right for me.

On the other hand, when Davis picked me up from the airport last night it was soo nice to see him. We spent a very pleasant and warm night together. It's so good to have someone who you know is devoted to you as their top priority. I've moved away from chronicling my relationship with Davis here... once I knew he could read it if he chose (though I don't believe he does), it just felt wierd to pick our relationship apart in this forum. Suffice to say, we've had our ups and downs. We're spending a few days over Christmas on a trip with his parents, it should be a good time.

Gia finally hooked up with Dexter over the weekend, while I was away. I could tell by something she'd posted on her blog. My immediate reaction was jealousy and resentment over the issues we've had around time together. I talked myself through it and moved on fairly quickly, didn't dwell.

A few things that came up via chat with her helped greatly --
1) She gave me a sexy and intimate task to complete in the next few months... sorry, no details ;)
2) She told me that she'd like a threesome with me and Eric for her birthday later this week :D
3) She asked about a good time for a date for us next month. In the past, I've initiated those scheduling conversations. Moreover, she said that she'd hoped to do one this month, but that things were just too crazy (they really are, this month is packed for me as well). We had our most recent date last month, so if she was thinking about scheduling one this month, then perhaps she's coming around to the idea of once-a-month dates being the more reasonable course. That would be a huge relief.

Still, of course, I couldn't help but ask myself -- was all of that due, at least in part, to things with Dexter finally coming to fruition? Some combination of spillover NRE and guilt or obligation related to focusing on another lover when I've been here asking for more time? Again, I tried not to dwell on these questions, telling myself that it doesn't matter.

Today, she messaged me distraught and looking for comfort -- apparently things have been tense lately between her and Eric. She's been jealous of the intense focus he's been putting into his erotic connection with Helen, and frustrated with the way he's communicated about it, feeling overlooked by him. I counseled her as best I could, and then it seems they talked and made up a bit, so that was a relief.

After that mess had blown over, I confirmed with her that she had, indeed, gotten intimate with Dexter. She told me a few juicy details... nothing that would have broken his trust, but enough for me to know that she'd gotten what she wanted -- the experience of being with a man very different from Eric. It was clear that she wants it to happen again.

"Ok," I said, "my turn to be the one needing reassurance -- tell me that you want me, physically, for me... not because you feel like you owe it to me or because you know I won't be ok if you spend more time with Dexter like that than with me."

She wrote me a few paragraphs in reply, detailing how much she does want me. I thanked her, and said that I felt silly for even asking, but that it was very nice to read those things. She also brought up an interesting point, which she's touched on before but not gone into depth about -- namely, that her attraction to men has increased and her attraction to women waned to some degree since she's been off hormonal birth control. She emphasized that she still wants me, individually, but admitted that it's probably made a difference in her ability to easily express that desire. She said that she's planning on going back on at least a low dose soon, for multiple reasons, so it'll be interesting to see how/if that shifts things.
 
She also brought up an interesting point, which she's touched on before but not gone into depth about -- namely, that her attraction to men has increased and her attraction to women waned to some degree since she's been off hormonal birth control. She emphasized that she still wants me, individually, but admitted that it's probably made a difference in her ability to easily express that desire. She said that she's planning on going back on at least a low dose soon, for multiple reasons, so it'll be interesting to see how/if that shifts things.

Pregnancy alone can make your sex drive wonky. It took me 18 months - 2 years for my body to settle back down, with both my boys. I think it was a little longer with my second, but that was probably because of stress and exhaustion.

Glad you were able to express yourself and get what you needed in return.
 
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