"Single" Guy & Married Couple Gone South

ait24

New member
G'day All!

9 months ago, I met a married couple who are super fun, outgoing and were in a bit of an open relationship. They liked to play around and have fun, letting other people join in too. I was one of those people, but it wasn't a once off. The sex was so great, that we did it more and more. Soon, the feelings between the wife and I grew immensely, we fell in love.

This is where it got tricky as the husband could see the energy and huge connection between us. It was actually him that initially suggested the thought of a 3-way relationship, but later after the connection between myself and the wife was so apparent, he slowed things down. So, where are we now…

I have told both the husband and wife, that I am interested in a 3-way relationship. I have told them both that I'm not interested in ever stealing the wife away, and that I love what we all have. The husband has said it's not easy to just let someone in to a relationship after he has been establishing it for 10 years. Now, I'm not looking for full equality, just some kind of harmonic relationship where I can openly say and do as I please - not only just sex when the husband wants it.

Any comments/questions/suggestions are more than welcome.

Cheers!
 
My initial thought when reading your post was that the husband does not need to let you into their relationship. They will still have their dyad relationship and their marriage even though you would have your relationships with each of them.

However, they do need to change the open model of their relationship if they are going to continue having you in their lives. You want a polyamorous relationship with the right to build a separate relationship with your girlfriend (his wife). I understood from your post that their model of open relationship is that they can have sex with others when they are both present.

I suggest that you read more about polyamory yourself. This forum is a good starting point, as is the website morethantwo.com. When you know more about the possibilities of poly relationships, you could have better and more detailed discussions with your couple. You can suggest things to them - maybe even have them read some of the resources you have found useful.

Good luck and all the best to you three!
 
Been there done that. It ain't easy, but is so worth the work IF everyone is willing to put in the hard work. 3 people, 3 personalities, 3 ways of viewing everything, and 3 perspectives. You will each get to different points at different times. It takes a crap ton of understanding, patience, communicating and commitment. I wish you the best because what you can learn from it and get out of it are so worth every hard part.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I have told both the husband and wife, that I am interested in a 3-way relationship. I have told them both that I'm not interested in ever stealing the wife away, and that I love what we all have. The husband has said it's not easy to just let someone in to a relationship after he has been establishing it for 10 years.
Now, I'm not looking for full equality, just some kind of harmonic relationship where I can openly say and do as I please - not only just sex when the husband wants it.

I will take the liberty of giving them generic nicknames ok? You change them if you want. I'm happy to go with what you pick.

I think any polyship is made up of all the "mini relationships" inside it.


SOLOS -- your relationships with yourselves, how you talk to yourselves in your own heads, personal beliefs, etc

  • You
    [*]John What does he believe about relationships? Possessive or participatory? Does he only want to swing?
  • Jane

DUOS (different dyads, how these pairs communicate etc)

  • John <--> Jane (he thinks he is letting you into this layer)
  • John <--> you (You and him have to talk on this layer)
  • Jane <--> you

TRIPLES (how person communicates back and forth with a couple and the couple with that person)

  • John + (Jane + you) Really he is having a problem with this layer. You and Jane may have to talk to him together.
  • Jane <--> (John + you)
  • you <--> (John + Jane)

ALL

  • John + Jane + You You want this one to be harmonious but cannot color this layer green because of the mini layers above having problems.


Does John only want to swing? He does not want to poly?

If he does want poly... Is John willing to experience "hard" or is he trying to avoid it?

Does John view his relationships as possessive? This is HIS relationship with Jane, and now he has to let you into it? Rather than participatory? John and Jane participate in a relationship together. Jane and you participate in a relationship together.

Could get clear on those questions.

On your end, could not agree to group sex at all until this is sorted out and you all know what kind of Open Model you are trying to practice together and how you plan on practicing it.

Because if it boils down to John only wants to sing? Sex share, no love share?

And you want polyamory? Love share and sex share? Then this is not a compatible grouping. You may all be best off as (Friends, no sex share).

Because sex share leads to love share for you.

Galagirl
 
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Hi ait24,

It sounds like the husband here has some jealousy going on, now that there is an emotional connection between you and his wife. This is going to be a barrier between you and forming a three-way relationship. You know that your intentions are pure, but the husband it seems does not believe it. You'll probably have to wait a long time, repeating your request from time to time, and maybe eventually the husband will come around. It's up to you whether you want to invest that much time in it.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I agree with GG, and I want to emphasise, you are not in their relationship. You have your own relationship with each of them.

They have been playing with fire. This casual sex with others is risky business. Unless a person has issues with emotional closeness and is distant because of it, or on the other hand, is experienced in doing things purposely to prevent feelings, bonding emotionally naturally, biologically, follows good sex.

Jane is probably acting in ways that show her new infatuation for you. We call it new relationship energy, or NRE.

John sees her feeling those yummy obsessive feelings, perhaps a lot. He sees her moony, texting you a lot, talking to him about how great you are. He is jealous, afraid that, after 10 years, he will lose her to you. Even though you tell him otherwise.

And yet, as her "secondary," you still have needs, desires, and rights of your own.

Definitely time to stop all sex for a while, slow down, and each of you draw up boundaries of your own. Things you decide for yourself you will and will not allow. Not things the others can or can not do. There is a difference.

A boundary might be, John and Jane can't make decisions around my relationship with Jane. The established couple doesn't get to tell you what you are allowed to have.

A need or desire might be, you want one on one dates and sex with Jane. If John only "allows" threesomes? Your boundary would be, no thanks.

John might request that Jane spend less time with you, or texting you. It is up to her to agree or disagree to this idea.

And so on.

Good luck!
 
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