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Old 02-15-2020, 05:38 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Originally Posted by Journeyofawakening View Post
Wow, I hadnít quite realised how long itís been since I posted my update. Iím not sure if Anyone who followed my journey is even still on this forum! But here I am, back here. Fancy an update? Why not eh? Haha!
Thank you for the update I wish more people would check back in regardless of the good bad or ugly.

Quote:
Itís been four years or so since I updated. I went through a very difficult time in 2016. At the very end of my 6 month separation from my husband, when we were going to be deciding our next step, I found out a very close online friend of mine (someone who I had put far too much emotional security into) turned out to be catfishing me (and many other women) and had actually died. It was...traumatic. Which probably sounds overly dramatic to someone who hasn't had that particular experience.

I found out about it all the same day I met up with my husband to discuss what to do after our 6 month trial separation. I was so devastated that I turned to my husband and agreed to give our marriage another chance. I guess I was disillusioned with the world at that point and wanted to hold on to some kind of stability. You know?
It sounds to me that prior to learning the traumatic news you were of the opinion to dissolve the marriage or at the very least continue to live separated. Is this correct ? It also sounds like your husband wanted to get back together or was he just being being generous, kind thinking this would be a way or scoring character points and or was he making this effort to keep the family together trying to spare the kids unnecessary pain ?

IMO motivation matters. I think being honest with each other on that is going to be critical.


Quote:
So why, I hear you ask, has Journey come back to the polyamory forum if everything in her marriage is so great? ---- because I still feel... Incomplete.

I'm somehow consistently finding myself drawn to loving other people in a deep way. I don't mean to, and I don't physically cheat but my heart goes there. I've had to end another friendship because it got too...close. And this happens to me a lot.

I feel like there's something wrong with me. I've been telling myself that if I feel this way about others then clearly my husband isn't the right person for me and that perhaps I should end it with him to find 'the someone' who will be more compatible with me. But I love my husband, and things are good. So it doesn't make sense to me.

Are you ending these relationships out of fear and secrecy that things may escalate out of control or rather these relationships were out in the open and it caused your husband too much discomfort?? I think either way it spells major incompatibility. However I think the having the knowledge and honestly being able to express his discomfort and preference / authenticity would be preferred.


Quote:
Then I had a moment where I was watching a British celebrity come out of the closet as homosexual after a 27 year marriage to a woman, who was being celebrated for being brave and amazing. And it just hit a nerve for me somehow. A word I've chosen for this year is 'authentic' and I still don't feel like I'm being that. I'm doing my best to be a great partner to my husband, a great mum to my kids and to treat myself with kindness. But I still feel like I'm not quite being 'real' or authentic.

I think many poly people that have traveled this road would argue youíre not being the ď best ď partner you can be because of this aspect youíre hiding or blocked from sharing. Itís also suggested that a happy / fulfilled wife and mother is a better wife and mother. However the flip side to that equation is that time and energy, money or all the resources that make a successful relationship are zero sum. And that means at the very least these resources would be reallocated and or divided differently. I think itís a huge mistake to presume or pretend that everything will effectively remain the same. Only in very unique situations is that possible.


Quote:

Because I love someone else. Not instead of my husband, just at the same time as. And I don't understand monogamy and why we must be that way. I'm wired differently. I'm sure many of you here can relate. I even googled "is polyamory a choice" and found a quote that said some people are deeply monogamous, some deeply non-monogamous (polyamory being just one expression of that) and some could be happy either way. Society puts a lot of pressure on us to be monogamous.
Lots of people arenít that way. And the poly community has grown in leaps and bounds so you could easily find like minded partners.

From a mono perspective back when I was asked to participate in this I looked at it in terms of asset allocation, time share and the loss of / or concept of ďspecialĒ . Back then it conceptually seemed to be sort of regressive. When first starting out you live in an apartment with roommates with shared walls to cut costs and once youíre financially able most people shed the roommates to live solo or settle in with a S.O. Depending on the situation and setting ( I happen to be in a very urban setting you might have a single car ( I owed a car my gf at the time didnít ) and ride share , etc. As you become more financially stable or successful you might want to get away from shared walls and buy a house and a second car. In my case I broke up with said gf stayed in the apartment alone and later bought a house on my own and then met what would become my wife.

My point here is at that time would I want to time share the most important relationship in my life ??? When I met the future Mrs I had 3 vehicles ...a German luxury sedan that I paid way too much for, a pickup truck and a classic convertible. And get this I took the metra train downtown for work most days.
So under this new format everything is negotiated and planned and booked. First come first serve so to speak or standing date night or time share by calendar. To me at the time it seem like I was going backwards and I didnít see any real upside from my side of this new dynamic.

Why does monogamy have to be that way ? Hereís some other questions along the same lines. Why do poly people close their relationship and claim polyfidelity ? Polyfedelity = double monogamy Or why people in open or poly relationships feel the need to marry or have ď commitment ceremonies, etc.
Are these artificial attempts to balance a lover and a spouse or a way to manufacture special?


Quote:
So, friends from the past, I came here to rant, to vocalise how I feel to people who would understand. Because let's face it, most people wouldn't understand. I need to make a choice - to decide whether I can be happy remaining monogamous for the rest of my life in order to be able to stay with my husband, a man that I love.
First off I think life is too short to stay in a relationship where youíre having these feeling and breaking off connect with people because they get too close.

But the bigger question is does your husband know you have these feelings and are having this debate ??? Because if it was me and my wife was saying these things Iíd say good luck to you...Iím not interested in hold you back.
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