For the Mono/Secondaries in the crowd

blytheandbonny

New member
I'm sort of turning over the question in my head this evening of whether or not being secondary in the hierarchy means I am getting (or settling for) less.

Sort of in the context of answering the question, "If you give all of yourself to someone, why would you settle for any less in return?"

Two thoughts (questions, really) -

  1. Is being a secondary necessarily a comment on where I am in the hierarcy v. where the relationship stands on its own merit relative to SO's life, given the natural evolution of the relationship as it stands now?
  2. If all of my emotional, mental, and physical nourishment needs are being met in the relationship as it stands right now in this moment in time, does the SO's relationship with anyone else (primary or otherwise) make what I have/get less? I'm still winning, yes?

So perhaps the question - at least for me in figuring out the whole cosmic configuration in what is all brand-new territory - is what the potential future holds?

On one hand, regardless of my SO's relationship with anyone else, his and my relationship has to have it's own growth pattern and rhythm. I can't predict the future, but I do see and am excited by the potential.

On the other, do I need to consider that despite how close we get in this hypothetical future, will I always be content to be a "secondary" as long as my needs are met? I mean, that's a possibility, right? Even if the golden path is achieved and there's wedding bells and happily ever after etc etc etc?

And, again, if needs are being met, what does being "secondary" even mean in the big picture?

Mono/secondaries, what has been your experience? Those who love mono/secondaries, what is your perspective on this?
 
Wow....really great questions....I'm stunned that you haven't gotten any responses. I know there are plenty of mono's ...primaries and secondaries who can comment.

1) I think yes it is. Doesn't it have to.

2) I guess if all your needs are being met ...not problem. What about future needs.....is everything a negotiation. In the normal mono model it might be expected it would just naturally expand without negotiations. What about spontaneity?

I actually told my wife I'd rather have a secondary relationship with her...rejecting that primary status . So from the flip side of things whats gained and whats lost.

Big picture ...maybe nothing or maybe your needs, feelings, and time are viewed as a hobby. It could personality dependent...the right partner is going to great ...a selfish asshole is going to be not so great. It also gets into the subjective weighing other peoples needs....partner x needs me for this or is having a hard time with blah blah .... "so important that i spend add time" ... but that's all guessing game. At the expense of who?

About settling ...was watching a Nascar race with my kid over the weekend and he said ...wow notice how all the drivers wives or girlfriends are hot....I lied and said no I hadn't ...I said why do you think that is ...He said I don't know ... I said because they don't have to settle for anything less. Look at the woman Jeff Gordan dates and marries. True story.
 
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I hadn't responded yet because I was still thinking about what I wanted to say. :)

First, I think it depends on whether "secondary" is being used just a descriptive term based on how entangled your lives are (living together, shared bank accounts, kids?) or is it a prescriptive term defining what can and cannot happen in your relationship? Plenty of people choose not to use hierarchical terms or even ways of thinking in their relationships, which is fine, and others who do choose to use them as sort of a short-cut way of explaining their different relationships, and even others who abide by fairly clear-cut hierarchical delineations, as that's fine too if everyone involved understands the limits and boundaries and is in agreement . I think the important thing is not the label but how everyone is treated: making sure that everyone involved in a relationship is getting their needs met and are on the same page about expectations. If you feel like you want/need more but are not asking for it, then yes, you're settling for less, regardless of what words you use to describe and define your relationship.

For myself, my husband is mono and I consider my relationship with him to be a "primary" one. We live together, have kids together, own a house, share bank accounts, etc. However, I will not (nor would he ask me to) completely cut off someone in my life to "save" my primary relationship (would there be anything worth saving if it came to that??). TGIB (who is poly, but I am his only partner at the moment) and I have a secondary-ish relationship because we are currently long-distance. When he moves out here we are both fairly certain that our relationship will become more like a co-primary one. The love and the commitment are already there, but time together is a struggle. We do not ever plan to get married or have kids together, and it's highly unlikely that we'll have any joint accounts or even live together for a VERY long time, but his needs are just as important to me as my husband's needs are.

So with that as background, one could say they are both giving their "all" to me while I can only devote some of my time and attention to them. I certainly hope neither of them feel like they're settling! I would be completely supportive of either of them developing another relationship, but even if neither did I question the idea of giving one's "all". Everyone has myriad demands on their time: work, family (especially if you have kids!), friends, hobbies, etc. MC and TGIB both spend time writing, on the computer, hanging out with friends, and doing other things that don't involve me. They both need more alone time than I do, which is one reason why this relationship structure has worked so far; they both can get their alone time without feeling like they're neglecting me and I'm not left feeling abandoned and nagging or whining to get more attention!

It sounds to me like you're in a good place regarding getting your needs met and are more concerned about expectations and plans for the future, and that can really only be answered by a conversation with the person you're in the relationship with.
 
Seniority should not apply to any human relationship

I have read this post over and over again and can't decide how, or if, I should comment. (My bf and his SO read these threads and I've gotten in a little hot water over some of my posts. :( ) But here I go.........

I'm a Mono Secondary. My bf and I have been together for almost 2 years. He lives with his SO. We are deeply in love but it's not without complications.

I'm thinking about your words, "settling", "future". In my world, those things change almost weekly. What I found is just when you think you have it all figured out, something happens and you are back to the drawing board. It's a very dynamic type of relationship. This can make the relationship challenging, and also quite rewarding as it keeps you focused on the ultimate goal -loving this person you are with.

I don't consider it to be settling. Settling, to me, is something you are forced to do when you don't have another option. I CHOOSE to be here. I could leave if I wanted. I could get another bf if I chose to do so. But I'm choosing to be with him. I'm choosing to make this work because the love we discovered is worth it.

I'm a very independant woman. I'm strong, confident, self-sufficient, financially secure, driven; attributes he's very drawn to. It's because of those attributes that I can handle this relationship. I can evolve in my career, devote quality time to my children (who are growing up way too fast!), I have time for personal and social growth, time for health and fitness. I have time to be the best possible me. And then he complements that with the love and passion we share. Depending on the viewpoint, it is a complete life. I won't lie though, at times I do get lonely for him, wish for more time. Communication is key so it helps to hear those same sentiments from him. :)

Regarding Future. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship you are in, traditional or otherwise, nothing's for certain. I married my childhood sweetheart only to divorce him almost 20 years after we met. I've been working hard to make this relationship work without expecting anything more than our one Date Night a week and recently, for him to try to make time another evening or day during the week in between dates. It's been a challenge based on scheduling, but he tries. That's all that I can ask.

We each have our insecurities about where the 'future' will take us. His constant worry and fear is that one day, despite my protests, I will tire of "settling" and move on to find another full-time love that can meet all my needs. He gets sad, sullen, withdrawn, thinking of how deeply that is going to hurt him if it happens. His SO worries that I will try to supplant her (which I would never dream of doing) and that causes stress for him. I worry that both his and her insecurities will inspire decisions that will ultimately end up with me pushed out of this relationship. And not only does that scare the hell out of me, but annoys me tremendously. I am supposedly the one 'settling and sacrificing a real relationship' and I get pushed out?!

Hierarchy. I recently read on another poly friendly forum that senority should not apply to any human relationship. If a poly relationship is to last long term, it is up to the mutual love to ensure that both partners needs are being met fairly and that neither one is slighted. My bf points out to me often that the depth of feelings he has for me is not in correlation to the amount of time we spend together. Just because our time is limited, the love is not. If anything, it makes it stronger, counting down the days until we see each other again. I HATE the term Secondary (it does have a negative connotation to me) but I recognize it as simply as the order of business. They share a home, finances. I don't participate in that. Yet each relationship has as much merit and value as the other. Each of us contributes something special.

And regarding my Veto fears, quoting the author of the post " When a spouse tries pulling the 'I was here first/I'm primary' card, they are effectively demanding that their partner choose between the people they love. One should never ask another person to make such a choice if they are not prepared for their partner to choose to walk away. Sooner or later that is exactly what will happen." I think of it as I would my children. If any man asked me to choose between him and them, he's GONE. Buh Bye! I have stated in previous posts, I would never make such a demand. Its unfair and selfish, qualities I do not possess. We find a way to meet everyone's needs ot the best of our ability because each is important. I do talk to my bf about the potential that it could be asked of him. He denies that it would, believing his SO when she says she understands, accepts and respects our relationship. I don't know that for certain, so all I can do is trust him and his love and commitment to me as he's emphasized over and over again. I want each of us to be happy, secure, content.

With that reassurance and security and him trying to meet my requests for time, communication, I can't see why this beautiful bond would have to end. If anything, it makes us that much stronger. :)
 
TGIG,

How many secondary relationships have you had during your time with your current husband?

You said when he moves out that you and he were fairly certain that it would become a co-primary type one. Is or was your husband involved in those discussions? Are you "out" to kid, friends, relatives, neighbors ...employers?
How do you work a 2 week family vacation to Yellowstone ...do the kids get a vote as to the new co primary coming alone?

How would you feel if hubs decided he wanted to be a secondary? My wife was shocked and insulted....which I still don't get.

I took the comment of giving "all " to mean ....a persons romantic focus ...Heart and soul. Not similar to a time management or a hobby


Newtoday,

Glad to see you're still around. :) sound like your situation has improved or stabilized which is great::D

Settling.....How much time would you like? How much do you get...1 date or night ....or sleep over. Sound like a semantic argument with yourself just like secondary.

Could one argue that your needs and mindset have changed dramatically since the beginning of this relationship. The idea of "future " at that time was irrelevant but now as the kids are growing up at such a fast pace you see more alone time?
 
I always think of primary and secondary as descriptive terms. I can't imagine trying to impose things on relationships, they just evolve on their own and you deal with it. I can't just put constraints on them, I mean that's why monogamy doesn't work for me to begin with, because "thou shalt not fall in love again" is assumed.
Same thing here, "thy relationship shalt not evolve" is just as absurd to me, I can't control that.

So having several primaries and no secondaries, or several secondaries and no primaries, are for me just a description of your relationship to help people. In mono relationships, usually you say things like "we're exclusive now" or "we got a house" or "we're married" and that's a brief way to explain what kind of stage your relationship is in.

In poly, that doesn't work as well, except maybe the house part. I guess you could say you live together and people would have an idea of the kind of relationship you have, but still there is so much variety.... People came up with primary and secondary so that in one word you can give an idea of what stage you're in.

Keep in mind I don't see stages as things that follow one another or have to be in a specific order.
 
TGIG,

How many secondary relationships have you had during your time with your current husband?
By my definition, 1. By my husband's definition, 2. By the "average" poly definition...I don't even know. 4? 5? Maybe more? I've had several FWB's that had enough elements of a relationship that it could have fallen under a secondary label if we had really bothered using it.

You said when he moves out that you and he were fairly certain that it would become a co-primary type one. Is or was your husband involved in those discussions?
Of course. They both hear about things I'm thinking about/talking about with the other.
Are you "out" to kid, friends, relatives, neighbors ...employers?
Friends, yes; relatives and kids, not yet; employers, no. However, I think who we are and aren't out to is less relevant than if everyone involved in comfortable with the level of "outness", which we are. TGIB is actually the strongest supporter of being "in" since he comes from the most conservative family, so this is not a case of a secondary feeling slighted by being "hidden". He knows I'll tell the world when he's comfortable with it.
How do you work a 2 week family vacation to Yellowstone ...do the kids get a vote as to the new co primary coming alone?
The kids are 1 and 5, so no, they don't get a vote. Our former housemate (non-romantic) as well as our parents and siblings have come with us on trips before, so the definition of a "family" vacation for us is pretty loose. The biggest question would be, "Does TGIB want to go?" and we'd figure it out from there.

How would you feel if hubs decided he wanted to be a secondary? My wife was shocked and insulted....which I still don't get.
Since we have kids together and own a house together, I'm really not sure how that would work. I wouldn't mind him having another primary-ish relationship as long as scheduling worked out and his responsibilities to the kids and me were taken care of.

I took the comment of giving "all " to mean ....a persons romantic focus ...Heart and soul. Not similar to a time management or a hobby
From my pov you can give your heart to more than one person, and you can't give your soul to anyone, so it still comes down to time for me.


DH, are you aware you come of as interrogating sometimes? I understand asking questions for clarification and to introduce a different perspective, but you bombarded me with 5 questions in a row with very little in the way of context or anything to explain where you were coming from or the purpose of the questions. I didn't mind the questions themselves, so I decided to answer them, but I was taken aback at first by the way they were written and almost chose to ignore them/you. Might want to think more about how you're asking the questions if your goal is actually to get them answered.
 
so sorry you felt interrogated ...not my intention. I wont ask any more questions.


Here's where I was coming from.

Question 1 ...you said you wouldn't terminate another relationship for the sake of the primary I just wonder how other relationships had come and gone on there own. And wouldn't be a shame if you had sacrificed your marriage for one of those.

Q2 ...no mention of hubs participation in those discussions.

Q3...co-primary might be difficult in a full sense unless you were fully out.

Q4...just envisioning a typically family vacation and how that might work ...especially with teenage kids. In fact here again I might opt out...having been trapped on long car trips....time for co -primary ...co pilot to take over. :D

Q5 ...based on what I told my wife. And how it would work would be his withdrawal from your life ..not the kids ...not responsibilities around the house. Point was primary might not be what everybody wants ...would you be ok with that shift....or would it be insulting.

Good point on soul ...I guess its just the drama I heard too many times.
 
Newtoday,

Glad to see you're still around. :) sound like your situation has improved or stabilized which is great::D

Settling.....How much time would you like? How much do you get...1 date or night ....or sleep over. Sound like a semantic argument with yourself just like secondary.

Could one argue that your needs and mindset have changed dramatically since the beginning of this relationship. The idea of "future " at that time was irrelevant but now as the kids are growing up at such a fast pace you see more alone time?

Hey D! Oh yes, I'm still around! :)

My situation has improved and stabilized. It is great. :D Thank you!

Honestly, the more time I can get, the better. However, I am at peace with having a couple of date nights and sleepovers a week. I have such a full schedule with my work, my kids, and their activities (I swear they are more social and active than me! :p) And then I try to fit in the gym as much as I can. It's a busy life! We have at least one evening/sleepover a week, working that out to more whenever possible. He stayed over 3 nights a few weeks ago and it was GLORIOUS! Right now, it's complicated with his work schedule increasing tenfold during the summer but he's committed to trying the best he can to spend quality time together. That's all I can ask for. I empathize with him, he wants to see me, and misses me in between, just as much as I miss him.

One could indeed argue that my needs and mindset have changed. It's inevitable! It's been 2 years already. In the beginning, we saw each other once every two weeks. That no longer works for either one of us. We both NEED to be together more than that.

I won't lie, I have thought about what it means to be so alone as my kids get older and more independent. Have I thought about finding someone else? Yes, at times I have. I've questioned my commitment to this often complicated relationship. Have I acted on those thoughts? No. I am certain that I just want to be with him. And as long as he's committed to making this work between us, I am committed to staying put. For now, the benefits outweigh the cons. ;)
 
I wont ask any more questions.

Well of course you should still ask questions if you want to! Just maybe combine your reasons WITH the questions in the same post so it's not rapid-fire one question after another. :)
 
I'm not a mono/secondary, but my "primary" is mono, so I do have some experience in the sorts of issues that you are facing....

I'm going to quote quite a few lines of what you wrote, here, so there is a context...
I'm sort of turning over the question in my head this evening of whether or not being secondary in the hierarchy means I am getting (or settling for) less.
Less implies a comparison - less than something else. To me, this either means less than you need, or less than someone else is getting. The first is a healthy question to ask, in my mind, the second one most definitely not.

As an example - my previous OSO's husband had semi-recently died when we started and the last thing she needed was another husband - she was an independent woman who wanted time to go out and explore, now her kids were old enough to be out on their own. So we started what could be described as a "secondary" relationship. We spoke very often, at least once a day, and we spent a weekend together once a month, and did occasional vacations together. Her friends kept telling her that she was "settling" because I had a primary, and she kept telling them that she was getting everything out of our relationship that she needed and wanted. But still they kept saying "you deserve more".

I think that it's vitally important NOT to settle for less than you need and most of what you want out of a relationship. But don't use the standards of society or monogamous friends to determine what those needs and wants are.

Sort of in the context of answering the question, "If you give all of yourself to someone, why would you settle for any less in return?"
Is giving all of yourself to someone, and expecting them to do the same a priority for you? One of the principles of poly is that, by definition, you are not going to give every single thing you have to this person - and there are some that would say that giving them everything is unhealthy.

If you expect the other person who is poly to give all of themselves to you, then I don't think that a poly person is ever going to be capable of meeting your expectations....

Is being a secondary necessarily a comment on where I am in the hierarcy v. where the relationship stands on its own merit relative to SO's life, given the natural evolution of the relationship as it stands now?
It could be either, depending on the relationship. That would be a very good question to know the answer to. I (and others) often refer to this as "descriptive vs. prescriptive" - does this describe what you are, or does it dictate what you are?

If all of my emotional, mental, and physical nourishment needs are being met in the relationship as it stands right now in this moment in time, does the SO's relationship with anyone else (primary or otherwise) make what I have/get less? I'm still winning, yes?
If we're talking about love and commitment, to someone mentally wired to the monogamous way of thinking, that answer is yes, absolutely it is less. If someone loves someone else as well as you, then they absolutely are not loving you 100% - you are only getting a piece of the pie.

To a poly person, this absolutely does not compute. For them, there isn't a pie to get divided up - love isn't a zero-sum game. Loving someone else doesn't have any bearing on how much you love someone.

I have found that both of these mental process are very difficult to comprehend if you are on the "other side"...

Now there are two other things that are NOT infinite - time and money. Those are definitely a "piece of the pie", no matter how everyone is wired, and need to be negotiated.

As for what the future holds, that is definitely something that only you and your partner can know. Discussing future goals is very important and should not be neglected. I would just caution against trying to make it fit some prefabricated idea about how relationships should evolve - poly breaks most of those molds.
 
To answer the question, if your needs are met, it's all good.
There are other reasons you could be a "secondary", even in a monogamous relationship. If your partner had a very demanding job for instance. If they had obligations towards their family (a sick family member, maybe, or children from a previous relationship). If they had a strong relationship with their friends and saw them more often that the average person.

In all of these cases, you could feel neglected and taken for granted. If you do, it's bad. But if your needs are met, if you're fine with the relationship the way it is, it's not settling. It's a relationship that works for you, regardless of whether it might have worked for other people.
 
There have been a lot of mono/poly people come through these parts with similar concerns. My bf for one. He has always called himself my secondary, but he is only in terms of no shared assets. He lives with my husband and I and contributes to the house, but if my husband and I were to split we would have to sort out assets, bf and I don't have to do that. That is the only basis for primary/secondary that makes sense to me.

Check out some threads by doing a tag search here for "mono/poly." Could be useful.
 
The general question was if one person has a single romantic focus why settle for a fraction ....(depending on the number of partners) in return?
Complicating that discussion the words "all" and "love" got used with the infinite shades of gray that come alone with them.

Everyone has a myriad of demands on their time and outside interest are normal and healthy. In fact being someones "all" could be considered unhealthy and tip toeing towards the edge of Co-dependency if not actually well into Co-dependency. So in some cases the outside relationship is looked at as a hobby.... just another outside interest with time demands. Then you got the tangle of quantifying love and how that fits into each relationship and the math problems with fractions or long division.

To a poly person, this absolutely does not compute. For them, there isn't a pie to get divided up - love isn't a zero-sum game. Loving someone else doesn't have any bearing on how much you love someone.

Perhaps not a zero sum game but people here say all the time they love one partner more than another. There is a thread on this very page in which the poster has said that many times. In that case its known and a relationship between secondaries (for lack of a better word)...so no problem.

I'd argue it's not just time and money but overall how that "love " is expressed. The infinite ways in which we choose to express that love is how that pie gets divided. Those choices, in actions and in words could be how unstated hierarchies are built.


I have not been in the mono secondary spot ....officially. Just the declaration I made to my wife and it wasn't talked about in depth so I'm not sure settle would apply. But in the grand scheme of poly I'd probably say yes I did settle ...because I loved my wife and wanted her to be happy, and I desperately did not want my kids to suffer a divorce if this was something that would have no effect or a positive effect on our relationship....going with the hobby model. And that's how this was painted. I was willing to try like hundreds of others who's come through here. Unfortunately the reality was somewhat different for me. Do I regret my decision to try ...(settle) ...because of its complex nature Yes and No.
 
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Now, obviously romantic love and maternal/paternal love are different beast.
BUT most people understand that if you say you love one child with "all of your heart", it doesn't mean you have no love left for the other. You still love all of them with all of your heart.
If you felt that you could only have one child, but your partner had that child with you, and children with other people, it might be harder and more complicated. But surely you wouldn't doubt that he loves you shared kid just because he has others. You could doubt it based on his words or actions, but not just because he has more kids.

Similarly, my father told me when I was younger that a parent will always love their child more than their child loves them, because of the care creating strong bonds. Now, I don't think it's absolutely true since there are completely abusive parents who are still loved by their children, but I understand the concept of it. Even if the love is huge both ways, it's a different involvement and interest in your child's life than they have in yours. They love you, but their life doesn't revolve around you. For a parent, their life might very well revolve around their kid(s).
And while a romantic relationship is between equals and parenthood is not, people are not usually bothered by the asymmetry. People don't generally think "I go to my kid's end of year play but he won't show up for my company Christmas Party" and they don't feel less loved as a result.

What I mean is that I don't think a poly person loves a mono person any less than they're loved due to being poly (first point) but that even if they did love in a different way, it's not necessarily a problem if the relationship works and you get what you want out of it (second point). A successful relationship doesn't require perfect symmetry; it requires people being happy and comfortable in it, and if they aren't, working towards being so.
 
Perhaps not a zero sum game but people here say all the time they love one partner more than another. There is a thread on this very page in which the poster has said that many times. In that case its known and relationship between secondaries (for lack of a better word)...so no problem.
Maybe it's just me, then, but a couple of comments on this point from my personal perspective...

First, I find that I can't quantify the amount of love I feel for a person. Being unable to do that, it's very hard for me to do any sort of comparison of whether I love one person more than another.

Second, my point wasn't really about comparing. I was trying to say that just because I start loving a new person it doesn't automatically follow for me that I love my existing partners any less. I don't have a fixed amount of love to go around that gets "shared" and therefore I don't have to negotiate (with others or in my own mind) how much I give to each. I think that many poly folk feel this same way, based on folks' forum posts. That is why one of the symbols for poly is a heart with an infinity sign over the top.

Each of my loving relationships is unique and comparing them is not an exercise I find useful, because I don't find that it serves any positive purpose.
 
First, I find that I can't quantify the amount of love I feel for a person. Being unable to do that, it's very hard for me to do any sort of comparison of whether I love one person more than another.

Just my thoughts.

From my perspective as a Mono-Sec, I don't think the issue is that we doubt that we are loved less. I don't feel that at all.

I'm loved differently, which is normal. You never love anyone the same way as you love another, regardless of the nature of the relationship.

My bf is very clear that the amount of time that we spend together is not a direct correlation to the amount of love that he feels for me. If anything, we realize that our limitations in being together just makes our bond stronger - NRE is extended, we value our time, it's more of an extended "honeymoon" than the mundane day-to-day. We focus on all that's good. It's true quality time. And I like that. :D

I think the real issue is whether or not you are content with the time commitment that your partner can provide and whether or not you can accept that. Time Spent does not equal Love Felt.
 
Just a thought.... I know there are many more Mono Secondaries on this forum.....

I'm surprised there are not more comments. :confused:
 
Ciel,

No it's not just you. I think both opinions or views are prevalent here.
With in all that you have the distinction of "being in love" and having a loving bond. Ive heard many times "I love the person but I'm not "in love" with them.

Could one argue that love is pure energy? And that loving relationships are just a exchange or transfer of energy. Which makes the quantifying process difficult or impossible.

Do you have any mono partners?


Tonberry,

Funny the parent child analogy was used by my wife until I pointed that her sister was the agreed upon favorite and I have a much closer relationship with my parents than my sister...bordering on excommunication. And lots of parents and children disown each other and the same with siblings.

I think the op was suggesting that from a self worth point of view that equality and symmetry could be vital components to her happiness and comfort.


Newtoday,

Great point .....1 out of 6 who responded. 700 and counting on the number of views and you are the only one to respond. Seems strange.
 
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Tonberry,

Funny the parent child analogy was used by my wife until I pointed that her sister was the agreed upon favorite and I have a much closer relationship with my parents than my sister...bordering on excommunication. And lots of parents and children disown each other and the same with siblings.

I think the op was suggesting that from a self worth point of view that equality and symmetry could be vital components to her happiness and comfort.

Yes, I have a bad relationship with my parents so I know it happens. But usually with that kind of love, people don't question that it can be shared with more than one person. Does not mean it's always the case, mind you.

As I said, what matters is how people in the relationship feel about it. I didn't get that it was a problem in itself from the OP, just that blytheandbonny was worried it should be a problem. These are the quotes I'm basing this impression on:

If all of my emotional, mental, and physical nourishment needs are being met in the relationship as it stands right now in this moment in time, does the SO's relationship with anyone else (primary or otherwise) make what I have/get less? I'm still winning, yes?

[...]

On the other, do I need to consider that despite how close we get in this hypothetical future, will I always be content to be a "secondary" as long as my needs are met? I mean, that's a possibility, right?

[...]

And, again, if needs are being met, what does being "secondary" even mean in the big picture?

What I read here is "my needs are being met. So it's okay, right?" and "It's possible that it will stay that way, right?" as in "I'm a bit incredulous that I don't feel taken advantage of here. It seems (from friends, society, whatever) that I should. Is the other shoe going to drop?"

But the feelings of "wait, shouldn't I feel bad about it? Am I going to regret it later?" are pretty common in polyamory when you start out. In my experience at least. I don't think it means the OP feels a need for symmetry. Only that they're curious about why they don't, and want to check if there are others in the same case.

I would very much like to know what the OP has to say about it, if I got it right or not.
 
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