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  #21  
Old 09-06-2016, 12:00 PM
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PinkPig PinkPig is offline
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I understood what you meant. You & I are close in age. I, too, have young adult children (specifically males), and I would feel creepy being with someone similarly aged. That doesn't mean that I think a 45 year old dating a 25 year old is creepy, just that I would feel creepy about me dating a 25 year old. My age gap is 8-10 years, but like you, would prefer 5 or less. OTOH, I wouldn't have qualms about dating a man who is 15-20 years older than me.

Do you think the play at the clubs felt different because it was a one time thing (as in, you're not trying to conduct a relationship with him, just have some fun?) I'd also think it could be different because the club, by nature, is meant for play, so no worries about intention. Vs on okc or another dating site, the intent can be dating, hooking up, finding a spouse, etc?
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  #22  
Old 09-06-2016, 02:38 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Yes, *I* would feel creepy but that doesn't mean it's creepy behavior is what I was trying to say! Though I will also admit that I am sometimes hypersensitive to anything that appears even slightly abusive or manipulative, and so I'm working on *not* seeing large age gaps as automatically falling into that category, because I recognize a flaw in my thinking that is based on *my* past and not on everyone's reality.

I think it didn't bother me at the club purely because I wasn't thinking about it. Last year I briefly dated a 35-year-old. That bothered me too...but only when I stopped to think "He's only 35." If I wasnt thinking about the age gap, there was no issue. With the guys at the club, I wasn't thinking about their ages, just about the mutual interest in getting naked together.

I think that's part of it...if I reject someone who is of legal age and reasonable maturity solely because of their age, even if we get along great and are attracted to each other, is that a rational thing? Or would that be missing out on something positive due to no factor other than a number?

These are the thoughts I have with migraines and insufficient caffeine. Lol
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  #23  
Old 09-06-2016, 03:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KC43 View Post
I think that's part of it...if I reject someone who is of legal age and reasonable maturity solely because of their age, even if we get along great and are attracted to each other, is that a rational thing? Or would that be missing out on something positive due to no factor other than a number?
Yes, definitely could be missing out on something! I also think it's easier when we meet people in person to develop that...vs online where it's more packaged and commercial. That may be part of why it was easier for you to hook up with those younger guys in person than it is to talk to younger men on a dating site, they weren't wearing a sign with their age (like the 35 year old from the dating site.) A friend of mine helped me set up my first profile on a dating site after my divorce. She thought it would be fun to "pick men for my shopping cart." And while that's not exactly what we do with a dating site, it kind of is. Because they're so many men/women available on the sites, we have to filter them out somehow. In doing that, we will absolutely filter some people out that we might be really compatible with (like the age thing) and we might leave some people in that we'd naturally filter out in person. This is why I prefer meeting people in person. We can decide whether we click based on personality, temperament, physical spark, etc, instead of whether they meet a checklist of criteria and are in the "appropriate" age range. And, we learn those details organically.

All that said, I still don't wish to date young men...even if it means I'm missing out. Fortunately, I wasn't abused and I haven't had huge power imbalances in my relationships....it just squicks me out to date men who are too close in age to my oldest son. And, I'm ok with that!
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  #24  
Old 09-06-2016, 05:44 PM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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I don't want to derail your blog KC, I simply wanted to say that I'm glad you're back blogging. I may not always understand where you're coming from but I've always loved your posting style.
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  #25  
Old 09-06-2016, 06:25 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Thanks, WhatToDo I don't always understand where I'm coming from either...

PinkPig that makes sense. I'm still kinda thinking on this.
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  #26  
Old 09-09-2016, 03:47 AM
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I homeschooled my kids. So they were rarely with exact age mates. Often kids were together as families, and there would be kids from say, 3-15 years of age cooperating in play or projects. The younger kids could be mentored by the older ones, the older ones could be protective of the younger. And also entertained by their cuteness.

Of course, sometimes peers would gravitate together, but it wasn't all the time.

I think we are all programmed too much by school to hang out with people within one year of our age. But then mainstream society also tells women it's OK to be with older men since they have more money and power. And it tells guys to seek a younger more fertile trophy wife 5, 10, 15 years younger. That makes them a stud.

This is slowly changing. I get messaged by younger men all the time on OKC, who appreciate my maturity, confidence and still find me very sexy.

It's even a feminist issue for me. If I crave a young virile man 10 or more years my junior, with youthful enthusiasm and hipness, over some older guy in his 50s or 70s who hasn't progressed past rotary phones and his greying pornstache, that is well within my rights.
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Mags (poly, F, 62), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
Kahlo (my ex, 46)
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  #27  
Old 09-09-2016, 03:03 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Thanks for chiming in, Mags. I was hoping you would share your take.

For me, the age thing isn't about society. I don't care what society tells me; if I did, I wouldn't be a poly amorous submissive who likes occasional casual sex. Lol. I just have a hard time with things that have a potential to lead to manipulation or abuse, and while I know age gaps usually don't go that way, my perception is that they easily could.

On a more personal level, because of my history and because of being slightly overprotective of my kids, I feel like *I* am being predatory and inappropriate if I engage sexually with someone who's much younger. I don't feel that *everyone* is predatory or inappropriate, but it makes me feel like I am and then I worry about whether I'm causing harm without realizing it. That is an irrational, anxiety/ptsd worry, but a worry all the same.

In other news, I've set a goal of contacting 20 people on Facebook with whom I haven't spoken in a while, 15 people on Fet with whom I either have only spoken at karaoke or don't know at all, and 5 guys on OKC. I gave myself until October 6 to meet the goal. The purpose is just to get better at communicating with people and become more comfortable and confident with reaching out; it doesn't matter if they answer, the point is just for me to reach out to them.

So far I've had great conversations on FB with a guy I used to work with and one of my cousins, and began building more of a friendship with someone from karaoke who I get along with. I started this Wednesday.
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  #28  
Old 09-12-2016, 11:07 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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I'm still keeping up with my contacting people goal. I know it probably sounds like a weird or artificial thing to do, but since one of the reasons I don't really spend time with anyone other than my partners is that I never reach out to people to ask if they want to get together, I'm using this as an exercise to get more comfortable reaching out to people, and on Facebook, at least, I'm reaching out to people I hope to be able to get together with at some point, or to continue communicating on FB if they live too far to get together.

(Some of my FB friends live in Maine, since they're people I knew in high school. My boyfriend suggested that when I contact them, I ask if they'd like to meet halfway for coffee or something, but I question whether any of them would want to see me badly enough, and would have enough time available, to do so. Plus there are only two, maybe three, who I'd actually even want to see...the rest are much better as online-only "friends.")

I went to the club Saturday night. Beforehand, I asked for help in a group that some of the women who go to the club belong to, saying that I feel really shy and awkward and didn't always know what to say. So a few of them said they would help me out, and gave me advice as well as making sure to say hi and talk to me a bit at the club. I didn't really play--though I did some observing and showed myself off a bit--but I made a few new friends, which was cool. A few of the few were guys who I may or may not play with in the future.
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  #29  
Old 09-12-2016, 11:26 PM
Willough Willough is offline
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I think it's a great goal and I'm really impressed with your efforts! I know I need to break out of the shell I've insulated myself in and reach out to people as well but most of the time I can't even manage to hit submit on replies anonymously on this forum. You're doing such a great job. Does it seem like it's getting any easier with practice?
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  #30  
Old 09-13-2016, 12:44 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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It isn't really getting easier, but I'm stubborn. LOL. It is actually a little easier than typical conversation or messaging, because I'm doing this with no expectation of a response, so if I don't get an answer it doesn't bother me. Which is good; mostly I am getting replies, but the two guys I've messaged on OKC haven't answered, and neither has one person I messaged on Fet, which was a private response to an advice/help request post she'd made in a group. I couldn't respond publicly without putting some things out there that I don't want the general public--or some of the people likely to see my Fet posts--to know about, so it made sense to message her.

I don't have a problem replying to posts on forums usually, though after the incident a few months ago that led to the decimation of my old blog, I sometimes have minor anxiety about posting anything here or on Fet. That isn't about social skills, though, that's about not knowing who caused that incident and therefore not completely trusting that the same person won't try to start shit again.

Would it help you to try the way I'm working on this? Like with forum replies, set yourself a goal of a certain number of replies a day, or a week, or whatever, and then when you meet that goal, reward yourself in some way or have a partner or friend help you with a reward. For me, I set a reward of allowing myself to spend $20 on a new item of clothing each time I've reached out to 10 people, and when I meet the final goal of having reached out to 40, if I do it before the deadline I set, my boyfriend is taking me out somewhere that's special to us. (The cool thing about that is that when I asked him if he would help me with the final-goal reward, I had that specific thing in mind but didn't say so, but when he suggested a reward, he suggested exactly what I was thinking.)

Last edited by KC43; 09-13-2016 at 01:00 PM.
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