Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 05-08-2016, 01:28 AM
Tinwen Tinwen is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: central Europe
Posts: 1,342
Default

Wow, people, so much writing and ideas! I've read through it, hopefully I can also catch up with answering what resonates with me.

So, first, WhatHappened
Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I didn't mind being 'secondary.' I'm actually quite happy in my own home, having lots of time to myself. But I had a HUGE problem with disrespect and his wife making SURE I knew where I stood. I had a HUGE problem with being lied to by him, to cover for her games. I had a HUGE problem with realizing there were some ground rules in play that they weren't willing to admit to me--probably because they knew deep down it didn't sound good when spoken out loud in the light of day.
I am sorry, your experience must have been terrible.

I haven't been lied to. I haven't been offered something that cannot be delivered. When Idealist first approached me, he was mainly looking for long-term but occasional kink, and I was considering a short affair or fwb with him. So the relationship has become much closer then I thought it ever could be. We share time and romance, sometimes overnights, we care about each others daily worries, we are partly involved in each others social life, we help each other out, we set little goals for us.
Meta did try to make sure that I knew where I stood at times, but I know that stems from insecurity and not disrespect. Anyway, Idealist doesn't buy that, so with time I could get over (my own) mindset that I am somehow subordinate to their relationship. She's a good and generous person. I can't stand her mainly because she talks a lot, exagerates everything and never notices when the listener doesn't want to listen any more, which I find really draining.

I read some old threads you started, including http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26264 about if it is even responsible of partnered poly people to date (especially mono) single people. I found it somewhat relevant to the discussion and my own thinking.
The posts in that thread seem to put responsibility for knowing their needs and entering the relationship firmly on the single person's shoulder (while accenting the responsibility of the married person to lay out clearly what is on offer). And they are right. Though I would expect the more experienced person to double-check if the newbie is really informed.
I've struggled previously with blaming Idealist for my breakup and "seducing me". Like "He should not have made a move on me! I was partnered and inexperienced! When he saw that we struggled he shouldn't have continued to offer me affection! He was the older and experienced one, he should have foreseen the outcome!" ... no. I try not to fall back to that line of thinking. Facts are, he asked me if I was up for kink, then we talked about polyamory and half a year later he rubbed my back. Usually not exactly a way to take someone from their spouse

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
And yes, I ultimately had a problem with him telling me he was retiring to another state one day aaaaaaand.....yet telling me every man I dated wasn't good enough for me ... Did being secondary HAVE TO mean I was a single mother? I'm not 100% convinced it has to be that way.
... Yes, with poly, WITH HIM, I was a single mother, I was on my own, and that is not acceptable after two years with someone.
I doubt he would let me under a tree, but I sure am still insecure about what help I can ask. I think he is insecure there with me too, I haven't been keen to get part of his duties. The commitment is not there.
Would it be possible for us to take up more commitment, have a child one day perhaps? I know he isn't completely closed to the option, and I suppose Meta would freak out. I'm not going there.
I don't know if I would be ready for more commitment with a mono partner, but that's another story.
I was told upfront what is pretty obvious, that it's on me if I manage to live nearby. There is no way he would move, he has Meta, a flat, a house. It hurt: again, there is a discrepancy with the mono model, where people make decisions about their area together. It's his personal limitation, he could have it if it wasn't for poly, but it is more likely when people are in the picture. It is quite likely I will move some day, so sure as hell am I not going to prioritize him over work opportunities.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I personally believe that most of us have a need to have someone...call it tribal as you did. Most of us want to know we're not going to die alone.
I read and reread that and I realized how ridiculous it is to plan who will be there for my old days at my age. But now, I should be choosing family. That's similar - tribal and secure. Yes, I think thats a very valid need, and very neglected.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
This may be one of the core questions: is it possible to be secondary and yet be building a life together?
Yes, that is the question.
So just from this post, I think it has quite a bit of prerequisites.
Equality probably helps, 3 people making decisions, not 2+1.
3 or more sets of goals to alighn and stay alighned... But you sure as hell can set goals together.
Everyone living in the same area, or everyone being very mobile, helps immensely. I think the commitment is possible if people live nearby. It takes generousity with sharing resources though, and a lot of accomodating.
__________________
Me: female, 29
Idealist: my partner, 39
Meta: live-in partner with Idealist, 44

Last edited by Tinwen; 05-08-2016 at 10:13 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 05-09-2016, 02:48 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 939
Default

Quote:
Equality probably helps, 3 people making decisions, not 2+1
There is far too much to respond to here. At this point, I'm going to say, in MY situation, I came to realize there were two problems.

One was that I did not get what he promised. He promised me it was me and him, that him being married mattered ONLY in that he and I couldn't get married or have children, or get married--neither of which mattered to me then or now. However, the truth was, it was THEM and ME. Not him and her, him and me, as he promised.

I reached out to her a few times, but I guess I didn't do it in HER way; I got a lukewarm response and then was blamed for not magically being BFFs with her. To that, I say, Fuck you. I tried. Someone could have met me half way.

The second problem was, it really always was them against the world. There never was room in his life for a real second relationship. He was not honest with me.

This is, of course, my experience. They were swingers first I am left with the feeling that she expected he was bringing home a play toy for her, too, and didn't like it when that didn't happen. And that she couldn't really handle her husband having a real relationship and real feelings for another woman, but that she merely wanted, at the very least, a bone to keep her dog occupied while she went out with her boyfriend.

I will say again: this is MY experience.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 05-09-2016, 03:40 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: central Europe
Posts: 1,342
Default Blogpost - a date

So, unplanned, I went out with Joker yesterday. The weather war really georgeous, so I asked him if he was up for a walk, and there we went. The walk was great. I originally wanted this to be rather friend's encounter, but I soon realized the attraction is far too strong to say just "friends". So after some thought we decided to continue at his place (with pretty much everything besides intercourse). This was all very new to me, previously I either had intimacy with people I was in love with, or to a limited extent at tantra workshops, so deliberately visiting a man with the intent to try the "benefits" part of our friendship made me rather nervous

I find without love, it's not all that interesting. It wasn't bad either. The anticipation and newness of it all gives me a thrill, so I am aroused and satisfied easily, but I feel very little desire to give (while I am probably kind of expected to "return the favor"). I didn't feel particularly connected when we parted, actually he left my thoughts within half an hour. Which is kind of weird, because even after brief erotic encounters the people often stay on my focus. I remember some previous encounters with Joker at tantra more clearly then yesterday. Makes me wonder, if anything was wrong, even though I enjoyed myself.

In every case this was an experience I needed. It seems to indicate an occasional hookup or fwb relationship may not be very fulfilling to me. I am pretty sure I will want to try a few more times though, with Joker and/or someone else. But despite what I felt before (a very strong urge to act on the attraction), I may very well eventually arrive at the conclusion that I don't need this.

Idealist? Our agreement after the fight in March is currently no DS in this; I've told him I need to try this out on my own terms and he said ok. So I took him by his word. I wanted to check in before I went to Joker, but it was not possible to call, so I just send him an sms what I'm up to, and that I will call him afterwards. I don't expect it to work so easily long-term, but there is really no other way to see the problems, so I figured I go with it. He reports to loose motivation to meet me and work on us, which I'm kind of puzzled over, because I cannot relate it to my experience. But I think we can reconnect.
__________________
Me: female, 29
Idealist: my partner, 39
Meta: live-in partner with Idealist, 44
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 05-10-2016, 05:46 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: central Europe
Posts: 1,342
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GirlFromTexlahoma View Post
I don't have any advice or words of wisdom, but I wanted you to know I have the exact same feelings!
...
Because the truth is, I can't see myself ever being happy with a 50-50 share of a husband, or living with a metamour, or really any of the possible outcomes of his wanting an entangled relationship with someone else.
Wow thank you, it is always reassuring to know that someone else has similar wishes. Does Andy have a similar attitude towards you being poly?
You seem "successful" in the sense that you need some kind of hierarchy, but you are not jealous and you have partners which are happy with it too. I really might like something similar.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spork View Post
Regarding the bit about solo-poly being too much like being on your own: I am solo-poly and I get that. Going from an 18 year mono marriage where I felt like (even if he was sometimes not the best partner) I had someone whose energy, income, and skills I could put to use in the running of our household...now I am on my own with my youngest son and it is scary. Yet I feel that it is necessary.
It must be scary, in my imagination it sure is. But maybe this gets easier with experience?
Quote:
As for primaries and secondaries, I understand that I'm secondary to Fire and Hefe since they are married. It kind of goes without saying, and so no one needs to say it, and so...it means pretty much nothing to my perspective. I just expect and assume a different level of connection and obligation and commitment between those two, than I expect with the other relationships going on. But we've all got such an easy way of being with one another...it doesn't feel much like a thing that matters.
This also sounds nice. Another example where hierarchy doesn't matter. I very much start to dislike the meme that anyone who does hierarchy is somehow not doing ethical poly. I don't like my position in the structure, but... relationship like your's reveal it doesn't have to be that way and they point at the oversimplification.
Quote:
I can see more sense in letting people define themselves as whatever makes the most sense to THEM. If a person knows that they don't ever want to try to be polyamorous, then they would probably say that they are mono by nature. If one knows that they are happiest in polyamorous relationship styles, and has no intent to be monogamous, then they might I.D. themselves poly. Whether by "wiring" or by choice, I don't think it matters that much.
Great point here Don't try to put people in a box if they are not happy with it.
Quote:
I think we get hung up in our culture on this notion that we have to strive for this set of life goals and if we achieve them, then we can just settle into a nice relaxing vacation with no more striving, until we die. Like you have to work and save for retirement, and you have to breed and raise the kids, and you have to have a partner, and you have to have a home, and if you check it all off then you have the permission of the universe to die content. If not, then you failed! I really just don't agree with that stuff on some pretty fundamental levels. And I feel like trying to ask "how do you succeed in this way, if you are poly?" is kind of a square peg/round hole proposition for me. My poly is about the journey. Not the destination.
I might be doing exactly that, then.
Spork, you are solidly off the escalator, and that's probably good. But... is seems, aside from the "growing old together" bit, you have had your escalator. You already have kids, you have a home, I don't know about your work situation but I suppose you've figured it out for the time being. I am tempted to just dismiss your ideas because of this, although I know I shouldn't.
Your writing seems to imply poly is not suited for anyone, who wants the escalator stuff, is that what you say?
__________________
Me: female, 29
Idealist: my partner, 39
Meta: live-in partner with Idealist, 44
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 05-10-2016, 07:38 PM
icesong icesong is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 595
Default

Tinwen,

I have what is *currently* a clearly hierarchical situation, and have been in others. The first (HipsterBoy) was very much like WhatHappened described - he never actually had room in his heart/life for a full second relationship with me, AND his primary relationship was structured so that that room couldn't be created. (Pink!Girl and HipsterBoy against the world, as it were...)

On the other hand, Sunshine and DinoActivist actively made space for DinoActivist to have a near-primary relationship with his other partner at the time (never nicknamed her in my blog), and, had there not been other incompatibilities, the two of them, or Sunshine and TheKnight, might have been a relationship where secondaries DID turn into co-primaries. The difference there, throughout, was that "sense of possibility". (And for what it's worth I don't get that sense from your descriptions of Idealist and meta.)

I mean, honestly, I feel I do have the best of both worlds on that front - I have the very *definition* of an escalator relationship with TheKnight, given the whole high school sweetheart thing, and all the joys and challenges that that brings. (And we have both - I don't know that I reflect that enough in my blog.) And I have something... special that hasn't resolved into a permanent configuration yet with AnotherArtist. If primary eventually feels right, we can figure out how that might work - certainly he did that with his wife, who now lives half-time-ish with her other partner.

I don't think hierarchical poly is un-ethical, if it meets everyone's needs. The only thing I find unethical is forcing one or more relationships to take shapes that don't suit them. I know you asked Spork this, but I absolutely think you can have both the escalator thing and poly - it's just a question of finding the right person / people / situation. Whether or not Idealist is that right person is a different question.
__________________
37/bi/F, married to TheKnight (together 21 years)
Partnered with AnotherArtist (3 years)

Other Dramatis Personae are detailed in my blog.

Last edited by icesong; 05-10-2016 at 11:28 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 05-10-2016, 08:10 PM
Spork's Avatar
Spork Spork is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 2,515
Default

You are right in that I did the escalator thing with a man who was like...the King of the Escalator. (For some reason I'm picturing him with a tinfoil crown riding the escalator up and down at the mall, and now it's making me giggle...)

*cough*

Srsly tho.

Yeah, did the kids, marriage, life, house bit. I don't think I was cut out for that. It was NOT what I wanted. I forced my square peg to live in that round hole for a lot of years, and eventually it really fell apart. Some good came of it...some bad. I don't have the house, he has the house, though if he loses it and does something stupid (could happen any time) that may change. One of the kids lives in my apartment with me, and I do have a decent career...if not the one I hope to have one day.

I cannot really say if my non-escalator/solo-poly needs right now are a permanent "this is how I am" or more a matter of needing to find my own healing and equilibrium after what I've come through.

But every situation is different. I like to believe that part of embracing the concepts behind polyamory is acknowledging that there can be some flexibility in relating that can allow for people to need and want different things than what is assumed to be "normal" in our culture. What exactly those alternatives might optimally look like for any of us will depend on what we need...and perhaps far more importantly, how well we know ourselves in seeking fulfillment of our needs. I really think that the biggest real challenge for most people is being self aware and honest with ourselves...and we cannot really negotiate relationships fairly if we're not. I look at some of my failed relationships and I can really point at places where I, or my partner, was not "playing fair" because they weren't coming from a place of awareness and comfort and honesty with their own needs.

A great example with the ex...he tells me in the last few months how hard he and his second wife (prior to me) tried to have kids. I was shocked. I'd never known. She miscarried a LOT of times. Having children was a HUGE part of his life needs...and he did not tell me this. When we initiated our relationship, I absolutely DID NOT want to have children. Our first was an accident due to a failure of our contraception. He basically had a background program running the whole time that would include me becoming his wife and birthing his children, and it didn't matter one bit that I was absolutely and vocally opposed to those things when we met, and did not consent to change my life goals or views until I was actually pregnant. He did not play fair. He did not negotiate in good faith. But he was "in love" and all swept up and not being self-aware or honest with himself or with me.

So yeah, probably for any set of hopes or expectations you may have, you could find a person or set of people to do that. But you've got to know what that is, and you've got to negotiate in good faith. And it's my strong opinion that merely having been part of a poly forum/community enough to embrace some of the self-work, self-awareness culture of it, can really help, whether you wind up doing poly in the long run or not.

I tell ya this...maybe one day I'll do mono again. Maybe one day I'll remarry. No telling what the future will bring. But I betcha I'll be more "successful" at it in the future for having done the poly thing...because I've learned a TON about myself and how to "play fair" ideologically in relationships. So that's pretty neat.

Anyhow...
It's YOUR life, YOUR world...build to suit!!
__________________
Spork 39 F
Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad from August 2015 to July 2016. Still dear & loved friends.

Blood:
Ninja- 19, Son
Q- 16, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 05-10-2016, 09:55 PM
GirlFromTexlahoma's Avatar
GirlFromTexlahoma GirlFromTexlahoma is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 937
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinwen View Post
Wow thank you, it is always reassuring to know that someone else has similar wishes. Does Andy have a similar attitude towards you being poly?
You seem "successful" in the sense that you need some kind of hierarchy, but you are not jealous and you have partners which are happy with it too. I really might like something similar.
Yes, luckily Andy and I are on the same page with this. He doesn't post here but I do share posts and discuss them with him, and we've talked the "can you have multiple escalator relationships?" topic to death. Our answer is, maybe some people can, and good for them, but we can't see any way that it would work for us.

Are we "successful"? Who knows I think we are very successful at maintaining the Claire+Andy relationship. But is that the same as being successful at poly Andy and his friend-girls are always happy, but I think that's because the only way our "non monogamy" changed those relationships was to add sex to an existing, stable friendship. My poly experience has been stressful and honestly there are times I want to say, fuck it, and go back to just spending all my free time with my dogs.

I read a blog on another site recently where the author proudly listed all of her friends who are open/poly, and noted that almost all of them are still together and happy. "See? Poly works!" But there was no discussion at all of any *other* relationships, whether they were able to have healthy partnerships outside the couple Successful depends on your criteria.


Quote:
Originally Posted by icesong View Post
On the other hand, Sunshine and DinoActivist actively made space for him to have a near-primary relationship with his other partner at the time (never nicknamed her in my blog), and, had there not been other incompatibilities, the two of them, or Sunshine and TheKnight, might have been a relationship where secondaries DID turn into co-primaries. The difference there, throughout, was that "sense of possibility". (And for what it's worth I don't get that sense from your descriptions of Idealist and meta.)

I mean, honestly, I feel I do have the best of both worlds on that front - I have the very *definition* of an escalator relationship with TheKnight, given the whole high school sweetheart thing, and all the joys and challenges that that brings. (And we have both - I don't know that I reflect that enough in my blog.) And I have something... special that hasn't resolved into a permanent configuration yet with AnotherArtist. If primary eventually feels right, we can figure out how that might work - certainly he did that with his wife, who now lives half-time-ish with her other partner.
I think this is where I am really different from most happy poly people. There is zero possibility of multiple primary relationships for me. Don't want them, don't want to be with anyone who's trying to juggle them. I'm not ok with half or even two-thirds of my nesting partner's time. I'm not open to living with metamours. I don't want to rely on a Google calendar to know my partner's schedule.

I like just knowing that Andy will come home to me after work by default, and that if there's a night he's got other plans - with work people, or a girlfriend, or whatever - he'll give me as much advance notice as possible and tell me when he'll be home.

I think of us as allowing relationships to develop naturally - but really we're only open to things developing in a narrow range. A new person could be a casual friend with benefits like Anna-Louise, or a super close, romantic, much loved friend with benefits like Stephanie. Not a ton of "possibility" there.

Our definition of a friend is pretty broad, and we don't place any extra limits on FWBs. Want to go on a week long vacation together? Be their plus one at weddings and work events? Take care of them when they're sick? Sure... That's all stuff we do for platonic friends, so we do it for the not-platonic ones, too. But the escalator stuff, living together, mixing finances, planning retirement? No. Andy and I have thought and thought, and we just can't find any way to do that - not without forcing each other to rearrange our lives around people we didn't get any choice about.
__________________
~ Claire

Female, straight, 38
Married 14 years to Andy
In a relationship with Castle
Sharing Andy with Stephanie and other friend-girls
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 05-12-2016, 05:39 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,955
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinwen View Post
I read some old threads you started, including http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26264 about if it is even responsible of partnered poly people to date (especially mono) single people.
Here is a link to a post I made in response to a similar conversation and question from WH in the "Online Dating" thread - regarding "commitment in secondary relationships":
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...age#post187800
-- basically, I don't need every relationship that I have to be an "escalator" type, but I am not ruling it out - it is just not a requirement.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinwen View Post
So just from this post, I think it has quite a bit of prerequisites.
Equality probably helps, 3 people making decisions, not 2+1.
3 or more sets of goals to alighn and stay alighned... But you sure as hell can set goals together.
Everyone living in the same area, or everyone being very mobile, helps immensely. I think the commitment is possible if people live nearby. It takes generousity with sharing resources though, and a lot of accomodating.
I think this is a fair assessment. I am the only one who really cares where we live. MrS would like to live someplace warmer, Dude would like to live someplace drier. I bought my ForeverHome here and plan on dying in this house, dammit! Once I retire, I think that we will travel but keep this as "home base". It helps that whatever goals MrS and Dude have are rather amorphous - and don't require a specific location. But I could totally see the two of them going off and living elsewhere for months at a time.. oh well, they will know where to find me.
__________________
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost ex-lover-friend, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS; live-in with Katniss
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 05-12-2016, 03:33 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: central Europe
Posts: 1,342
Default

I am quite angry today. Actually I got angry yesterday. We finally got to scheduling. We had been talking about comparing calendars for quite some time, but it kinda didn't happen so we had to sort out some things over the phone.
Conflict over the workshops next weekend. Yes, the ones I have been talking about for a month now. Obviously she wanted to go too. We split the time. I have some events before and after, so it should be perfectly fine, but it isn't.
Why the hack am I told now that there is conflict and not when it first revealed itself? (I know why, he's unable to remember it's the same workshop. Besides he has not promised me anything. But meh, I already started looking forward to it.)
I know I know. Get that damn google calendar.
That's not going to solve this issue. If he can't remember, he won't write in. And it doesn't solve that I have trouble wishing her well anymore.

edit: I hate being this negative. We got a really amazing Monday together. We may have a great today's evening if I don't ruin it now.

The angry moments call for "get the fuck out". But I know I won't, cause once I try... I'll remember the good. I know it's nonsense to beat myself up about it, but... why can't i sustain a little stability?
__________________
Me: female, 29
Idealist: my partner, 39
Meta: live-in partner with Idealist, 44

Last edited by Tinwen; 05-12-2016 at 03:40 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 05-12-2016, 03:55 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: central Europe
Posts: 1,342
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Reverie View Post
I think that when it comes down to it, it's mostly about how they have treated me and my feelings. Some women seem to have a certain empathy for how hard it CAN (not necessarily WILL) be to share your most-of-the-time partner. Even if we all understand that it's not ideal to harbor those difficult emotions, we also can all understand that they do realistically happen. It can be hard! That's just the way it is! I've heard over and over that even "seasoned" polys are not immune to jealousy and struggle. These women understand that, either through instinct or contemplation, and they choose not to step all over the triggers. They only engage with him if they want what he already has to offer, not what they think they might be able to eventually pry from me. That's the difference.
Reverie, sorry if I am being a little to harsh or direct today, see above.
I might be such a bad metamour to you.
I think in the beginning I had that "empathy" you describe. I did approach her to ask. I was willing to wait and don't touch a thing from what they had going. I didn't necessarily want a friendship with her, but I had no problem either.
But after two years? I still understand. But I don't want to be on the backseat any more.

Quote:
But somehow his time with me is somehow on the table, in her mind, for him to cut from. Why should I ever be the disposable thing, the thing sacrificed, rather than the new person who is coming into the situation being willing to work around what already exists, like she would for a job, etc.?
That's not necessarily true. Whatever previous commitments there are, they are on the table. Someone taking on a second relationship, or even a first one, while working too much to even save energy for the partner? They better cut that.
It's not like I work around just anything in partners life. Their choice how they make time but they better should.

Quote:
Why doesn't the new person just pick someone else if she sees what his life looks like and doesn't see space for herself in it in the way that would make her happy without having to turn it into a competition and advocate for getting what I already have? If honoring what you've already built with someone, which has been working so far and making you both pretty happy, is "couple privilege"...I guess I just don't see why that is wrong. It's wrong for the person she has started dating to mislead her into thinking that he has more available than he does. But IMO it's not wrong for him to only make a certain slice available as long as he's up front about it.
Yeah, why don't I just pick someone else? I guess I wrote it somewhere already.
There is nothing wrong about making available just a certain slice, only - it works until it doesn't. IMHO couple priviledge is, if you cling to the idea after it stopped working.

Quote:
If a guy has one woman already closely bonding with him, she's going to want to take up a lot of his time and energy with that, so he has less bandwidth available for bonding that closely with another one. So then if he takes on another partner, then SHE still needs to find someone with that bandwidth...

What do you guys think? Does my armchair hypothesizing sound plausible?
"Women need to bond closer then guys" may very well be on the same level as the "women are more insecure" stereotype you rejected in the beginning of your post. Both may be statistically true (or not), and very wrong for the individual.
It seems to hold for me though, that I need close bonding. (And so do most women and many guys I know.)
__________________
Me: female, 29
Idealist: my partner, 39
Meta: live-in partner with Idealist, 44

Last edited by Tinwen; 05-12-2016 at 10:38 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:49 AM.