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  #11  
Old 09-02-2016, 08:10 PM
Leetah Leetah is offline
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You can hold it together Pixie. Keep reaching out to your friends and family, let them know it is very hard right now. Maybe there is one or two of them who could get in touch with others so that you do not have to call around?

You should also let your therapist know that things are bad, they will want to know even if insurance is not available.

There will be good times again for you and Monkeys 1 and 2 if you keep going.

I hope you find help soon.

Leetah
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  #12  
Old 09-21-2016, 01:26 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Leetah View Post
You can hold it together Pixie. Keep reaching out to your friends and family, let them know it is very hard right now. Maybe there is one or two of them who could get in touch with others so that you do not have to call around?

You should also let your therapist know that things are bad, they will want to know even if insurance is not available.

There will be good times again for you and Monkeys 1 and 2 if you keep going.

I hope you find help soon.

Leetah
Thank you. I'm trying. I know good has been before so probably will be again. Heck there are good things now. I just don't feel good. I feel tired and dumb and needy. Things that were embedded before age 10 include discounting the validity of all of my wants, needs, feelings. Which seems extra dumb because I frequently reaffirm such validities for loved ones.
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  #13  
Old 10-14-2016, 02:41 AM
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Thumbs down I am a fool.

There are many different things people can be good at, many different "kinds of intelligence". Some of these have fields or careers that fit well for people who are especially good at certain things.

Some of the things people can be really good at include computers, musical instruments, dance, sports, law, language, management, organization, public speaking, spacial math, and the list goes on.

I'm not very good at any of these. What I'm I pretty good at? People. Caring about people. Understanding where they are coming from, why they do what they do. Having hope for them, even when they can't find hope for themselves. Seeing potential in them, even when they feel lost. Loving them, even if they can't feel love for anyone. Offering a safe space where they can rest, recover, heal, learn.

But I'm not good at giving myself these things. I am good at finding people who want to give me these things, who help support me, so I can keep working on supporting everyone I am able to, including them.

But, sometimes there is a very heavy cost. Sometimes, when my wounds are deep, and I'm eager for space to be safe and heal, I don't look in the best direction first. Maybe, I do this because I don't want to put this burden on someone who I know is having a really hard time, because I want to be able to be Their safe space. Maybe I do it out of selfish reasons, or even out of self destructive wishes. To be honest, it's probably a mix of these, and probably more that I haven't realized yet.

~~~~

This time, after having my own demons howling louder and more often for what seemed like ages, wanting to vanish, if only it wouldn't mean abandoning all the people I care so much for, nor leaving my lovers behind. Desperately wishing I could escape my daily life....

I had 3 steady lovers and was free to do as I please aside from them, so long as I keep safe practices and inform them of any significant changes.

I tried to let go of Goth, (because I was still deeply hung up on him and my heart broke again when he talked of vanishing, packing up and moving, never intending to return) while finding some bit of peace in releasing them from my life probably forever. A task I've knowingly faced several times with many people but this one cut deeper. In order to give myself this peace, I needed to go see them one last time, to hand deliver a few items. They surprised me. After an hour of cold and detached conversation, they broke down and asked me to stay in their life, to escape to a bit of the dream we had, with them from time to time. Knowing it may be self destruction, but that part of me wanted exactly that, I agreed, but under conditions that our earlier ruleset would not work any more.

The intention was to see each other occasionally, to know that at any time the dream may end forever, but until then, to escape daily drudgery for the familiar comfort of a dream that may never become reality.

I had every intention of informing my current lovers of this change as soon as possible without adding additional stress to any of them with "hey we need to talk" or trying to explain it in text or by phone. Timing was against me and in my efforts to NOT cause extra stress for one I love, I withheld information of an important nature until an appropriate moment could be found. But then it was too late. My handing of these events caused deep wounds in a woman I love and trust, and she has every right to be hurt and save herself any further pain at my hands.

I lost a steady, consistently positive relationship, for a bipolar love affair with an unknown duration. What's worse, I don't want to face interrogation from friends and family, so only a small handful know that it's ended, and only my remaining lovers know why. So despite my wish to be openly honest with pretty much everyone on all topics, I'm secreting two things now: my break up with one of the best people I've ever found, and what I've done to cause it.

But worse than that, I've hurt her so deeply that she can not see herself being a positive presence in my Monkeys' lives, something we had talked about several times, and lamented together over other adults in their world being famously unreliable.

I can't fix it. I can't undo the pain I caused. I can learn from it, but I'm still hiding from it. I'm still intentionally NOT reading her blog because I'm not sure I can handle actually seeing how much damage I have done.

I feel as though I eventually become toxic to anyone who hangs around enough. I worry that I really ought to Never let anyone be more than a friend in my kids' eyes, because maybe then I can spare them this heartache. Then again, I'm pretty sure they are both empaths. And I don't want them to have an inability to bond with people, or the anxiety of abandonment that I've grown up with.

I'm not sure what to do really. Other than keep trying to make the best available choices every day, and trying to keep wanting to keep being since that's been really hard for awhile now.
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  #14  
Old 11-18-2016, 11:15 PM
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I'm not allowed to give up.

I feel like I'm just awful at relationships in general. I cqre too much in too many directions to give enough consistent care in one direction for very long.

meanwhile my entire life feels like a clusterfuck that some how sort of keeps going but I'm not sure how.

My therapist is on vacation for 2 weeks, so 3 weeks between appts. I last saw her Monday before elections. Since then Im aware of 5 personal friends across 3 households whove been threatened. Also at least 2 friends from my past whom I care a lot about are Just Not Getting that some of us are in real danger. There keep being fights on my wall on fb because I care too much to stay silent, and I'm not ready to give up on these friends.

I KNOW my family is mostly republican... so I intentionally DID NOT involve my boys in politics to avoid family rifts... Day before I voted Monkey1 asked if I was going to vote for good Trump or bad Hillary. He got it from my grands.

So now I have to figure out how to keep my kids sort of neutral in hostile territory. I'm trying to buy grands house from them, and we love each other despite our political stances.

But I will not have my children speak hate to me and mine because Fox says it's good.


I'm a mess inside, all over the map. wondering how much longer till I burn out and him apathy. I don't cry, I don't break down hysterically, I just run from it all anymore.

I hope I don't make messes for everyone else in my life, right now having trouble. I have lots of people I can sort of lean on but no one can, nor should have to, handle the full of this mess.

I'm not allowed to give up. I'm alive for at least the next 12 years. and I have to spend that time trying to be a good mom, while doubting myself constantly.
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  #15  
Old 12-11-2016, 12:42 AM
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Default Sometimes.......

So, Thing that's been going on: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=82439

has gotten more messy. Not the direct way, either.

I went to a holiday party with my former coworkers, including many friends, as Sunshine's guest. her bf was there, one of the young-ish techs I had flirtations with (I'll dub him Space) brought a girl he's wanting to date (all good, really, I was happy to meet this person who improves his happiness!! Even if it caused me needing to step back.), and I was able to convince Hatter to face anxiety and come join the fun.

Most of the night was a great time!! Except for one big problem. One of the company's employees, who is an ex of BOTH my recently-former-flirtation techs sneak-attack-deep-kissed Space in front of me, new hopeful girl, Sunshine, her guy, and our other coworker/ friends at the table...

I am privy to knowledge that this woman left both flirtation techs pretty damaged, no idea if on purpose. I wouldn't say she's my Friend, but we've been at the same parties a lot and I recently accepted her on FB. The groups we have in common are VERY big on concent and I just witnessed her violate my close friend, in front of his date.

And yes, I'm COMPLETELY certain it was violation.

I wanted to rage at her, physically back her off, scream at her, interogate her.... SOMETHING!!!!!!! THIS IS NOT OKAY!!!!!

BUT. I didn't want to make MORE drama for Space, they work with all these people who would witness my actions.....

So, I sat tight, texted him asking if he was okay. when she walked away I positioned myself behind his shoulder to put a physical barrier, and asked if he needed water or drink, then fetched, resuming a passively guarding position beside him.

He's in shock for a bit, noticeably trying to process enough to fake shaking it off until it sort of works. Space and date get up to wander to some other part of the building, I snag date for just a second to ask her if she is okay. She knows he's poly, but this is a bit much to have to deal with. She says ya.

I checked back with them gently over text and direct contact a couple times through the night, but otherwise try to enjoy guiding Hatter about the place when he gets there.
----
a couple days later Space tells me he needs to burn through some stuff and doesn't want me too close for fear of hurting me. I reassure him I can handle it, but will hang back, without going away.
----
a couple more days pass. Space has found out his neice-to-be didn't develope a brain.....

And he's still keeping me at arms reach, because he really can't deal with anything right now, he just needs to auto-pilot and not think.

Fuck.
----
Meanwhile, Ill call the other flirtation tech Vape, Vape hasn't really been communicating with me at all since he decided to become exclusive with a gal. Okay, I've been trying to be barely present, so as not to get in his way at all. But I feel like maybe, at least on some of this stuff, they could help each other..... like we've done before.... But... this is so different and so very personal, I'm not comfortable asking Vape to help.

----
Things with Goth are odd, but not bad. I think it will just be some variety of odd until something makes it end. Though I can't go see him this weekend between weather and sick kids, so IDK. iI miss him when I'm gone, and I have no way to reach him other than showing up.
---
a double exbf called the other night to ask if my offer of hand-me-over baby items was still open. Of course. Things for him are rocky, but hopeful.
---
I've had a couple new dates, and a non-date friend over recently. Functionally I'm alone most of the time. I miss feeling like I'm a priority. Between Space and Vape it almost felt like I was. My pair of Gfs are great, but the dynamic is all different.
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  #16  
Old 12-25-2016, 02:54 PM
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Default Xmas morning haunted by dream...

What I told FB (edited for privacy):

My last dream of the night, took place in the house in BigCity (many states away) from when I was ~11-13 years old. But instead of my family being there, it was the home of a couple of my MostRecent Former coworker friends (not sure which one/s), and I was attending a holiday party which included almost everyone I know that works/ed at Most Recent employer.

Some were working out how to roast meat in the back yard by the pool.

It's a big house, and for the dream the only furniture were seatings and tables.

Happy Holidays, Blessings of all kinds, and Happy New Year, to each of you and your loved ones!!

------
What I didn't tell FB:
This is the house I lived in during most of my first "relationship" which was entirely me being manipulated and coerced by a boy 3.5 years older than me, directly under the radar of my parents and older step brother (along with other step and half siblings). I was later blamed for the whole thing when I got uo the courage to tell my mom my heart was broken by this GoodKid, Eagle Scout. He never would have done something like this unless I started it.... um, sure. I was desperate to feel special, loved, important.... he offered that, and forced me farther than I was comfortable every step of the way.

I felt (still feel) betrayed for being blamed.

My dream ended with me reclining in a chair, until the woman who attack kissed Space at the holiday party a few weeks back came up behind me and started ruffling my hair. At first I just relaxed, then said "wait, who is this", she said her name, I jumped out of the chair and glared at her hard, trying to organize my words to finally confront her about the real holiday party...... (no one else cared at all, they seemed totally oblivious)

And I woke up.
----

A week or so back, Space wants me to let it go, but he hasn't let it go, and this dream basically shows that it struck me DEEP and personally.

She may be at one of the NYE parties I home to attend, so this could be interesting.

I haven't seen Space since that party, and Vape in even longer. We talk online, but not much lately, cuz holidays and stress stuff.

Vape told us he will be single soon but it's okay. I don't know any details but reminded them both I still care.
----

I'm neglecting needs of mine again, because it doesn't seem they can be met, currently.
There's art in my head of Autumn and Guitarist. I need to put it on paper, but IDK if they'll even want it. But at least then it won't be nagging me to draw it.

exhub has been around a lot the last couple days. I actually let him sleep over while I took the couch night before last because I needed a night to not be touched and our Monkeys gladly clung to him instead.

IDK.
Happy everything and Merry always.
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  #17  
Old 12-28-2016, 11:40 AM
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Default Sad realization

I figured out a couple months ago that I haven't been a priority in Smith's world for many years, and maybe not even when we were dating the first time very much. The more recent was more out of convenience.

While this carries some pain, it actually helps when I feel "left behind" by him. I know that while he may fall back on me in troubled times, that I cannot expect or hope for it to mean as much to him as it does to me.
---
I've been feeling very lost and lonely the past few days. too much time around exhub, and too long since I've been able to share much personal affection with any of my people. Online is better than nothing, but so not the same.
---
Today I stopped by Smith's to pick up my mail that didn't forward. and while I knew he was at work, and knew if he had been home he'd probably have been busy... I miss even being a convenient comfort to him, or anyone really atm.

Loving me is not convenient for any of my people. Seeing me even less so. Sunshine and her BF are around a bit but that's not the same at all.
---
Space has plans to hang out with one he loves soon, which has been a source of longing for him awhile. So he's feeling revived and alive again, which I'm very glad for!! But yeah, actually this time I am a bit jealous.

It's okay. As much as he wishes I believed I deserve to be a priority, I don't feel like I do, and right now at least, I'm just kind of drifting along.

Vape has not chatted with me since telling Space and I he will be single soon. I see him post on fb though, so at least I can hope he's doing decently.

My pair of GFs have been having their own stresses recently so while they are "there for me" and I am "there for them" we are all sort of drained and engaging over internet isn't quite enough. I feel like I'm just bothering people, even when I know better.
---
I was really hoping I'd get to go see people during the 2 week break for Monkey, but aside from family eventfulness (which is taxing, not charging for me) but it isn't working out that way so far. Maybe exhub will take them long enough tomorrow that I can take a shower AND stop out to Goth's. That would be nice, even if he's too tired from switching shifts to be very present.

I just want to be held and feel cared for. And I'm worried exhub will pick up on it, if he hasn't already. :-/
---
gonna try to get a bit more sleep now. Thank you for providing this space. I need it more than I make use of it.
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  #18  
Old 12-29-2016, 03:38 AM
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Default That was real, but not so fun.

Exhub remembered today that his dad had band practice in the basement this afternoon-evening, so taking monkeys there wouldn't work. Maybe a park? too cold and getting dark out.

Well, he came over here and fixed dinner while I took a shower. Then we ate with Monkeys and he hung out with them while I washed up dishes. He caught me up on the holiday work drama at the factory, and I pretended his little "hitting on" type comments didn't bother me.
---
So I got clean, which is nice. Monkeys are at stages where I trust one or the other to stay safe long enough for me to take a rushed shower, but if they are both awake and otherwise untended..... something seriously bad really could happen.

But I didn't get to have any actual time for just me, let alone with any mutual affection sharing people.
---
And a convo that I really didn't want to have came up...

"So how are things going with Autumn?"

um. They aren't. (did I somehow forget to tell him, or manage to avoid telling him??? oh well, not REALLY his business.)

But he proceeded to poke and prod a bit till between me resisting and the Monkeys roughing themselves up, the topic got dropped.

...I expect it will come up again. He sensed vulnerability. and to grant boys a nice holiday I've been playing the game of "not being bothered (except I really am)" and letting more things go unchecked than I should... which means he's been slowly creeping closer and I'm going to have to push him back again.

But for now, our tummies are full of good food, my sinuses are telling me they hate me, and I'm dreading 2 very long car rides tomorrow. Thankfully Sunshine is letting me borrow noise-canceling bluetooth headphones so I can try listening to an audiobook Vape sent me.

I told exhub this as he was leaving. He caught the less familiar name... "Vape? Is that someone from Former Employer?"
Well, formerly. lol.

play the game, keep him guessing. maybe let him feel just a tad threatened to try and imply the weeknesses he sensed are false (they aren't, but hell no to him!!!)
(I hate the games... but he keeps "forgetting" that I'm seriously forever done in regards to romance with him.)
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  #19  
Old 01-03-2017, 09:23 PM
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Question Happy New Year!! We made it!! (well, trying to be positive)

First, a minor gripe from family xmaspt3. We spent the night with family 3 hours away. Monkeys on an air mattress, me on a single bed next to them. 2 feet of the beds in contact. Monkey1 spent 3am-4am crying at me because I wouldn't sleep directly next to him. *sigh* before that point I was actually glad they were sleeping close, but not directly against me quite well, I hoped it was a sign that I might soon be able to shift our sleeping arrangements at home.

How dare I!! Thanks Fate, at least i hadnt invested in a bed or anything yet. :-/

I nursed Monkey 1 until I was pregnant with Monkey2, and slept in their room most of most nights, not exhub's room, after exhub no longer wanted to share the bed with ToddlerMonkey1. (In fairness it was a snug fit). During pregnancy for Monkey2 I had to keep Monkey1 from walking in on exhub and his then gf, not all nights, but often enough.

Living with grands after I left exhub, and at our apartment last year it was just not practical any other way. and now that I COULD sleep elsewhere, they are very hopked.

When they are at Exhub's they sleep with him, and When they are at Grands, they usually end up sleeping with Gram.

Someday I'll get to choose whether to snugge anight or not. Maybe.

~~~Limbo Sux.

This year started off kind of odd, mostly good, but with some heavy limbo in the Goth part. I stopped over to see him NYE briefly, then went to parties (so as not to jinx my thing with him, because most years I've tried to spend year-turn with significant other to sort of secure the future... and it's always failed), and came back NYD after noon, spent the night, but he was stand-offish. He's done a lot of thinking latelythat we didn't get to talk about.

He hugged me for a long minute before we both left, but didn't want a kiss, so I kissed his cheek.

I never expected forever, but I don't want it to end either. I wouldn't be surprised if it does, but being in Limbo till we can hopefully get a chance to talk next weekend... sucks, hurts, taxes me.

Several friends want me to let them know when I'm free, some with hope of more than friends, but compatible time is hard to come by, especially when I'd rather give my free time to Goth. Even if we are both in a funk and I'm mostly just being mildly helpful to his family (like this time.)

Existing in his world has some comfort that I don't find in mine. I don't have to balance the whole world and keep it spinning, AND I don't feel silently judged (like I do around almost anyone in my own family, though I know they love me.) My pair of GFs world has a different kind of comfort and safety. Also nice, but it feels different, less "stepping into a family unit" maybe?? IDK.

Tomorrow morning is therapy, yay?! I'm so tired. Feelings are exhausting.
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  #20  
Old 01-09-2017, 02:56 AM
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Cool *much relief*

Last weekend I came home crying and half distraught with "Oh gods, what's gonna happen" regarding Goth, and this weekdn I came home bubbly, giggly, and overflowing with relief!!!

So, we didn't actually talk about the things that were bugging him. But he initiated affection with out ANY prompting (I was trying to just play things chill till I figured out what was up/ had a chance to talk). And when I asked him what he had wanted to talk about he brushed it off with "Don't worry abot it, I'm just crazy."

So my take away is that between holiday stress, the stress of changing shifts and learning a new task set at work, and household stress with gutting, renovating the basement for his brother to move his family in (it's their moms house) he was kind of panicky. Some time in the course of the past week he got over being sick and got things worked through in his own mind.

So we are back to our previous weird whatever-we-are. Which is honestly better (read more likely to keep us both closer to stable) than all the possibilities I have poured over in the weexk between.

~~~
Had some nice time working a couple puzzles too while I was there, and he mentioned of his own accord, infront of his mom and sister, that he'd still like to put together a puzzle he bought me. So.... I'm allowing myself to be hopeful-ish that at least for right now he sees no reason to change our dynamic.
~~~

Space and my pair of GFs, as well as Sunshine, her Bf, and a suprise Barbarian have all been understanding/ supportive while I was going a bit crazy, and have been updated as to the relief of that particular stress point. <3
~~~
House purchasing is going slower than hoped, but it is proceeding, and Autumn and I have actually conversed a little on my fb wall, so while I know there is still hurt it at least finally FEELS like the friendship there is, well still there. it's felt rather more like "acquaintance" for awhile, so as long as I can keep from shoving my head and feet in orrifices they don't belong in, there's hope there, too!!
~~~
speaking of house buying, I HAVE TO go get a job. Thankfully it seems exhub has made some progress and may actually be reliable now to keep monkey2/s in the mornings so I can work. So now I need to reup my resume again and go get hired somewhere.

I hope the positive feelings I have right now last awhile, still not sure what's up with Space or Vape, but they are out there, being themselves. That's all I feel I can ask.
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