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  #1271  
Old 01-15-2018, 03:11 PM
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I took Friday off, and my weekend was a lot of good food, great company, and fine relaxation, sleeping in and snuggles and a bit of housekeeping (which I undertake in the spirit of loving my home, so it's not really a chore, it's sort of a nesting activity for me.) Last night when Zen got home from work, I had dinner waiting, which MIGHT have made up for making him watch kind of a dumb movie.

OK so I used to love this film because I've got a thing for weird, cool old mansions and houses, the kind with interesting sculpture and art, neat woodwork and stained glass and such. And so from that perspective, it used to be a favorite. And it's got Catherine Zeta Jones in it, and she's one of my favorite (sexy) actresses. I mean, not because she's crazy talented, I am aware of more talented actresses, but on the basis of how hella beautiful she is. I forgot, because it's been ages since I saw the movie, that the story is meh, at best. The movie is, "The Haunting" I believe, based on the story "The Haunting at Hill House" and by the end, Zen was just really underwhelmed and telling me how he doesn't like horror movies. Well, sure. I'm not there for the "scary horror story" aspect though.

(I'm sorry I made you watch a dumb movie. You still love me, right? )

Also, CZJ's character talks about being poly and bisexual and that might have pushed some happy buttons for me when I saw the movie before, since I was stuck living a love life at the time that did nothing good for me...that may have been a part of the appeal, too...

Anyways.

Well Zen also was generous enough to give me some Birthday money and I didn't have an immediate idea of what to get with it, despite often saying, "I can't really afford that" to any number of things for quite a while now...but I think I've decided on one thing I want. A pair of really good hiking boots. I don't get nearly enough exercise in life, and part of that is not having good footwear for it. I have a lot of flat-bottomed shoes and boots, like Vans and similar styles to Converse, and some fancy boots for parties and warm boots for winter, but nothing that is truly suited for walking or hiking or jogging. I'm actually not that interested in jogging. But walking and hiking, yes. I want to do much more of that, especially when the weather is good. And here in Colorado we do get nice days even in winter. So.
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Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

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  #1272  
Old 01-16-2018, 03:00 PM
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IT'S COLD.

And Q refuses to wear a coat. I've given up. I'm not going to keep wasting money buying him warm things he refuses to wear, and I'm done fighting and yelling about this. I think he's just mad because I'm right. He is willing to suffer to defy my rightness. Teenagers, swear to god...I can't. So I told him, at least wear all of your warm layers, it's in the single digits and it's IOWA COLD out there. He doesn't remember Iowa, where we lived for 8 years, probably. Oh, well.

At least he did not accuse me of "microaggressions."
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Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad from August 2015 to July 2016. Still dear & loved friends.

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Q- 16, Son

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  #1273  
Old 01-17-2018, 04:54 PM
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A friend posted on social media about a meteor that exploded over Detroit, I guess late last night. That was interesting. Caused a minor earthquake effect. She thought it hit a house, since a house in the vicinity was on fire, but that was actually a garage fire that was unrelated.

Wild!

I'm a little surprised that we don't get objects from space coming down and causing issues and damage more often, not necessarily meteors, since I hear that Jupiter tends to grab a lot of those before they get here, but just space junk from all of the satellites we've got up there.

So I was having a conversation with some people on the subject of honesty, and lies. It amazes me at times how differently I view this, compared to others. I know some people who will say that they never lie, they hate lies, and they are obsessed with The Truth. Those same people, at times, I have in fact caught in lies. I think that there is this virtue signaling mindset where they have to see themselves as "good" so when they fail their own values in some way, they will lie about it, while at the same time protesting that they never lie. And claiming that anyone who has lied is someone who can never be trusted.

I think that everything about that mindset is unrealistic. Maybe unhealthy, even. It's this notion that people are so 2-dimensional, so binary, so good/evil, so black & white, as all that. When in face people are generally mostly good in my opinion, but certainly complicated. "Messy and human and complicated," to quote an author I like. I don't need people to conform to a binary concept of good or evil, and I am comfortable existing socially in a world where most people lie, at least sometimes. Maybe all of us do.

The key question is, why is a person lying? And who are they lying to? Themselves? Are they unable to face something they have done, or lying to hide shame? Or are they doing so for defense of self, or others? Out of kindness or empathy? To craft an image of themselves that they want others to believe? Or merely on a whim or impulse?

I do not judge people really, for lying. I don't assume it means that they aren't worthy of trust. But I am interested in their reasons for it.

The kind of lying that I think most people have big issues with, is the sort that involves both an unethical act and an attempt to hide it. Everything from criminal behavior, to cheating on a partner, and the lies required to conceal the wrongdoing. This tends to be a person who is cloaked in personal shame, I think, inside, because they have violated their own values. The easiest way to not be this kind of a liar, is to live by your own values, and forgive yourself when you falter, to shed the cloak of shame. And I think that one should be able to live without shame, at least with close and loved people that they trust not to judge them. I have considered the idea of romantic partners lying to me...with Old Wolf it was a matter of hypocrisy, since he is one of those "I never lie!" people who totally does. With someone from the healthier stages of my love life following him, like Zen or one of my partners from before we were exclusive, my response would be one of feeling a little hurt that my partner was afraid to share the truth, and wanting to know why. I am pretty forgiving of the ones I love. I hope they know that I will accept them when they are imperfect.

And I look at my own lying, and I think that every time I can remember deploying deception, it was because the idea of telling the truth felt UNSAFE. I am conflict averse, but beyond that, I am no warrior. Conflict, anger, and violence are things I find somewhat disturbing, and if I'm interacting with someone I don't trust to control themselves, and that I expect may react with anger or violence or force, I will do whatever it takes to de-escalate that. If that's telling soothing falsehoods, then that's fine with me. I find violence to be far more ethically disturbing, than lying.

But lying does create a burden upon the liar. Maintaining a lie is work. You have to always keep in mind, if anyone you're tempted to unburden yourself to, or tell your truths to, has any present or future or past connection to the one you aimed the lie at. Keeping the falsehood in place for literally everyone you know is not easy or comfortable. I think that most people wind up sharing the truth with some, and not really keeping a good map of "who talks to whom" in their mind, so they get found out. It is the same with secrets, since a secret is a kind of universal lie of omission.

I believe myself to be a skilled liar, but I recognize the discomfort and labor involved in it, so it's a skill I don't want to use often. I very, VERY much prefer to live my values and speak my truths, sometimes to excess, even. But I have no need to act unrealistically virtuous, to say that I never lie or even that I hate lies. I certainly recognize that there are occasions where they serve sensible purposes.

And what I'm realizing today that I'm interested in...is that I find myself feeling a little judgmental toward those who claim to be unilaterally opposed to dishonesty of any kind for any reason. My feeling is that they are exposing themselves as...simple. Socially naive, perhaps. And unwilling to admit to what I think is a near-universal human behavior, lest they be judged for it.

My older son, Ninja, last night, was talking about a mental exercise he was working on, noting the "seven deadly sins" (though none of us are religious) that he would correlate with the various signs of the Zodiac. He said that Aries like him, have to beware of wrath, it's his weakness and downfall. I mildly concurred as I've known a number of Aries who struggle with volatile tempers. He said that mine, that of Capricorn, would be without a doubt, pride. Seems legit to me. I do try to check myself when I'm being arrogant or judgmental, but it happens, I thought at the time... Well I might have to check my pride in this conversation I was in, with regard to lying, before I become insufferable.
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Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad from August 2015 to July 2016. Still dear & loved friends.

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Q- 16, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband
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  #1274  
Old 01-18-2018, 03:23 PM
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I'm going to a Mary Kay party tonight.

It is so absurdly outside of my typical comfort zone of activities it's just kind of funny in and of itself. But mainly there are people I want to socialize with, and Fire is hosting and she's going out of town soon for a while, so I will take what opportunities I can, to spend time with her and with some of the others who will be there. Also, Fire likes it when I am girly. So. I will do girly things today. Heck, maybe our friend can sell me something that is easy to use and doesn't feel cruddy and look a mess after a couple of hours.

I don't think I ever want to be someone who puts on makeup every day. I just like to wear it to events now and again. But I feel like I am bad at it, and even my most carefully crafted looks fall apart after a short time. Sometimes the harder I try, the worse of a mess I make. I hate finding myself, 2 hours into a 5 hour party, standing in the ladies' room, looking in the mirror annoyed with how my lipstick is mostly worn off and crudding out where my skin is slightly dry (and it dries it even worse, when I put anything on my lips but moisturizer) and my eye products are accumulating in the crease of my eyelid and looking crumbly about the areas of my eyeliner and probably smeared where I touched it without thinking, my hair is starting to frizz and I just...it's awful. Yet when I go fairly natural, hair clean and conditioned, no makeup, I feel like I look nice.

I suspect part of my problem is old products that weren't high quality to begin with. But how do I justify spending significant amounts on stuff I will barely use? And then since I barely ever use it, I don't replace it with "fresh" product, it sits under my sink for like 10 years. I went online once, and looked for advice for good looking lipstick in particular, and ended up finding everything from a twice-daily regimen of carefully exfoliating with a special little brush, then applying like 5 layers of various products...to loads of links to "This is the best stuff ever!" for things you go to some special beauty website and it's like this tiny bottle of stuff for $60... Just so much nope. So I concluded that it's all a racket and a scam, I like my face just fine, and girling is dumb and I don't wanna. I can barely keep up with clipping my damn toenails, I'm not trying to "exfoliate" my lips twice a day. Nonsense.

So. Guess we'll see how this goes.
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Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad from August 2015 to July 2016. Still dear & loved friends.

Blood:
Ninja- 19, Son
Q- 16, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband
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  #1275  
Old 01-19-2018, 03:53 PM
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Well, the Mary Kay thing was not bad. First of all, as I was being a good sport for something that isn't normally in my wheelhouse, I had a barely controllable case of the snark. Everyone there was part of the kink scene including the woman hosting at her house (Fire) and the friend who was presenting the um...presentation. Thing. So I was able to be silly at least here and there, but I was trying not to be too much and disrupt things too much.

She was talking about how the foundation was there to not clog pores but provide a protective layer against the environmental contaminants and crud of the regular world and such and I was like, "It's like a condom. For your face."

Not your typical Mary Kay party I am sure. Gotta say though, I imagined the makeup as being probably way excessive to what would ever interest me and probably not to my taste. In fact there are some products I might very well buy. At the very least, I could try getting some makeup products like eyeliner that I can be confident are not complete crap, and eliminate one variable in the "why do I hate this experience?" situation when I do wear makeup. (I've always wondered if my bad experiences have to do with cheap/inferior product, but just can't justify spending much on things I don't use very often.)

I actually already do all of the steps she talked about in skin care, more or less. And I'm pretty happy with how my skin is with my current setup. So I don't think I'll buy the cleansers, lotions or potions. Just maybe a little makeup.

Unfortunately, the gal who was doing the thing had to run and meet with someone and she was going to come back...and I was really enjoying my time with Fire, Hefe and another friend of ours, but then Ninja needed me to come home and give his friend-girl a ride back to her college...so I could not wait for our Mary Kay selling friend to return. I had to dash.

I plan to go to one party this weekend, at Voodoo...possibly skipping game night, and almost certainly skipping the Hypnosis group on Sunday. Not only is it kinda not my thing unless I really need people-time, but it's supposed to be snowing on Sunday. Not tryin' to drive in snow, just to go to a social thingie.

I didn't sleep well. The cat was bugging me in the night, and I was too hot, too cold, and so on...so I wish I could just go home and go back to bed. Alas, I cannot.
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Spork 39 F
Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad from August 2015 to July 2016. Still dear & loved friends.

Blood:
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Q- 16, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband
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  #1276  
Old 01-20-2018, 07:59 PM
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Anger about teenagers. I think it's universal to have some negative feelings. My daughters were actually worse in their 20s, I think because we homeschooled and were very close and loving... they had to break bonds to become their adult selves. It's still ongoing. I never tried to helicopter them despite homeschooling. I always gave them choices and tried to encourage independence!

But now one isn't talking to me, hasn't for a few years, and I don't know why. We finally saw each other last March and had a nice talk, but she's been avoiding me since. She's now 32. And my other daughter who has mental issues, well, she got off drugs and into Jesus and moved to another part of the state. Yesterday she put an open invitation on FB to invite "anyone who wants to come despite short notice" to her oldest daughter's 3rd birthday.

When I responded on her post with interest, she didn't get back to me. At 3 am this morning I saw she texted me. The party is just for her daughter's "little friends, sorry."

Can you imagine? What in gay hell? I haven't seen them since I got cancer because I was too sick to drive. And she didn't visit or help me in any way when I was so weak and tired. And she calls herself a devout Christian. And now she disinvites me to her daughter's birthday.

Well. These situations and scenarios don't anger me, per se. I feel sad. I think anger is a cover-up emotion for sadness or frustration or fear or maybe other truer emotions. I don't think it's necessary to BE angry at tough situations, either past or present.

(And I am hopeful my daughter will think of me after the party is over and invite me to my own special visit. Maybe the real reason is, her apartment isn't large, and it will be full of preschoolers and basically too crowded and nutso to properly socialise. But sigh... I love little children, it would have been fun to have been involved.)

I do realise you're still dealing with decades of a bad marriage. You're finding yourself for the first time in a way, your true Spork self. What use is anger? As a parent, you worry, you get frustrated, you play the see saw of being needed and being dissed, etc., etc. I think all we can do is make our own fun and be with people who, unlike our kids, love us for who we are! That is what you do do, and I think it's great.
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  #1277  
Old 01-20-2018, 09:45 PM
icesong icesong is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spork View Post
I'm not trying to "exfoliate" my lips twice a day. Nonsense.
Just run your toothbrush lightly across your lips when you brush your teeth whenever you remember. Not a huge amount of exfoliation, but enough to deflake your lips enough for lipstick.

Signed, a lazy red lipstick fiend - and bright red looks terrible on chapped lips. ;-)
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  #1278  
Old 01-20-2018, 10:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by icesong View Post
Just run your toothbrush lightly across your lips when you brush your teeth whenever you remember. Not a huge amount of exfoliation, but enough to deflake your lips enough for lipstick.

Signed, a lazy red lipstick fiend - and bright red looks terrible on chapped lips. ;-)
My lips are never that flaky! On really cold, single digits or below 0 days, a few applications of lip balm is all I need. But I have always had naturally oily skin. Now that I am well past menopause, I am less oily on my body. In fact, it seems, especially in winter, I make no natural oil on my body at all. I am constantly drenching myself in lotions. But my face's T area is still oily. Which I am glad of, since I am not as wrinkly as many women my age.


Spork, doesn't Fire have an order form? Find out before she leaves. You could try a new good quality eyeliner and see if it works so well, you might actually enjoy using it more often! Maybe being just a touch more girly might be a fun part of your new life. If you want.
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  #1279  
Old 01-20-2018, 10:58 PM
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Pixie eyeliner "endless silky eye pen" is great and available at Target. I see it's on sale on the website. It's a soft pencil that goes on smooth, has rich color and is long lasting. I love it - and it's cruelty-free. There are some drugstore brands like this one that are as high quality (and sometimes even better) than department store and "specialty" lines like Mary Kay. Expen$ive does not always equally higher quality.
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Old 01-22-2018, 03:43 PM
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It wasn't Fire who was selling the stuff, she was just hosting at her house, but the other friend did get in touch with me yesterday and I bought a bunch of stuff from her.

Thing is, she is a delightful person, and I had the dual purpose of getting some makeup and supporting the endeavors of a dear friend. That feels good. I got the basics - foundation, a small assortment of eyeshadows, an eyeliner, blush and a lip gloss - and she gave me some free stuff, too. I probably won't be a regular customer because I won't be using this stuff THAT often. I doubt I'll ever be more than an occasional wearer of cosmetics.

Besides, Zen gave me birthday money and I ought to spend at least some of that on myself, huh? I think so. And I get to girl up for him now and again. It works.

I don't think it was any more pricey than what it would have been in a store, even Target, if I'd bought all of those things. Makeup isn't cheap.

We finally got a little snow here! All of 3 whole inches of it. Woo hoo. I can't complain, I got to stay home yesterday, and my commute this morning wasn't too awful. I lazed around for about half the day but still got my housecleaning done, and I made a nice pot of beef & noodles to share with Zen when he got home from work. Felt like, since he had to venture out in the cold, I should make some nice hearty food.

Magdlyn, you are right. My teenagers make me feel complicated things, and who knows how it will be once they grow up and move on. Thing is, maybe I will bond with any grandchildren they have and maybe not. I was really attached to my boys when they were little, but in general I'm not that into kids. And you know, I've had men express shock at hearing that, as though it is nearly a crime for a woman to admit she's not obsessed with babies and totally into children. But I'm just not and never have been. Sure, I can love them when they're mine...and I did, and do...but just at face value, not so much. I very much prefer older people, as I've said often here. It is some combination of genuinely feeling comfort and appreciation with older people, and the whole concept of seeing beauty and value in places that many people in our culture don't. I feel like they don't even try, they just swallow the consumerist line that aging is ugly (I mean, if people don't believe that, then how on earth will these companies sell products and services meant to keep up the illusion of perpetual youth??) They use our very fear of eventual death to keep us sort of enslaved, and I hate that. I am more interested in a graceful acceptance of life in all stages and loving every bit of the journey for its own sake. In myself and in others. So like that woman who is over 100 and still dancing, my god, she makes me cry she's so lovely. So very...human. Not a shiny plastic illusion, but a living spirit still animating her borrowed flesh.

Old people are much more interesting, for the most part, than children are, to me. But then that's a generalization, and those are always flawed. People are individuals. I know many who reach advanced age without learning much, it seems, and they're not any better to be around than anyone. And some children are delightful, but some are little monsters.

I need to figure out what's going on with my ex, and if he wants to plan a going-away party for Ninja, which he mentioned trying to do, if Ninja is even interested in that, and when we're moving on the whole Job Corps thing. Should be soon, we're in the timeframe I'd planned for getting him signed up and on his way. It has, however, occurred to me that I should consider getting him in to the dentist and eye doctor at minimum before he leaves...possibly also a regular checkup with a regular doc, too. I mean, he's on my insurance. May as well use that.
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Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad from August 2015 to July 2016. Still dear & loved friends.

Blood:
Ninja- 19, Son
Q- 16, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband
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