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  #11  
Old 12-10-2015, 06:24 PM
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GirlFromTexlahoma GirlFromTexlahoma is offline
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Originally Posted by PinkPig View Post
Does Dag make you a priority in his day to day life, Claire? If you were in a crisis situation, would he make you a priority?
Yes and yes. And you're right, I need to REMEMBER that when I get bent out of shape like this. Dag and I check in with each other every morning and say goodnight every night (in addition to chatting off and on all day). We see each other as often as we possibly can. When I had surgery over the summer, he took time off from work to come take care of me. Why does that stuff vanish from my mind when I am hurting?

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Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
I notice that over the festive period, I tend not to see my friends who have kids unless I go to something that is child friendly and their kids come along. So I can kind of understand that if I had a partner who had children, I may not see them much over Christmas.
I think my disconnect here is that my close friends are like family to me, and I spend Christmas with several of them (and their kids). I'm used to a very entwined, interconnected relationship model with friends as well as partners. My friends' moms "mother" me, I arrange my work schedule to be able to watch my friends' kids during school vacations, that kind of thing.

Whereas Dag really sees the nuclear family as a "thing". Mom-Dad-kids. Biological ties mean something to him. I try to be supportive of that, I think I do a good job. But I will probably never *get* it on a gut level because, well, my dad is the only bio relative I even talk to anymore. Most of the people with whom I share DNA are kind of evil and I don't miss their presence in my life.

In a way, getting shot down about Christmas felt to me like he was saying I wasn't even a close friend. Because in my weird world, if you're a close friend, you celebrate Christmas together. But for Dag, it's a mom-dad-kids-church holiday.

They aren't kidding when they say poly is relationships on hard mode!
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Female, straight, 38
Married 14 years to Andy
In a relationship with Castle
Sharing Andy with Stephanie and other friend-girls
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  #12  
Old 12-10-2015, 09:05 PM
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GirlFromTexlahoma GirlFromTexlahoma is offline
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I had no idea how badly I needed a journaling space until I started writing here Just getting these emotions out helps so much.

I haven't written here about the big "elephant in the room" in my relationship with Dag - I want a kitchen table poly model and he wants, well, whatever you call the exact opposite of that

There's a thread about it here

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=77408

and I don't feel like rehashing all of my thoughts because the whole topic depresses me lately. But I did want to include it because I realize I probably sound freaking insane to a lot of folks - my boyfriend is perfect and loves me and treats me great and it's making me miserable! But yeah, honestly that's the truth.

Dag is amazing, and he loves me and treats me well. I think Dag the person is perfect for me. But the way our relationship functions right now, not so perfect for me. I want to be able to go out with my boyfriend and my husband and our friends, all together. To be able to cuddle and watch tv with my boyfriend while my husband is upstairs doing whatever he does in that giant man cave.

Not all the time. Sometimes. My ideal? Maybe one night a week one-on-one date night with husband, one night one-on-one date night with boyfriend, one night group dinner or movie or whatever, the rest of the nights open for me time or one-on-one friend time or ????

Dag wants nothing to do with Andy or my friends. He uses words like awkward, weird, uncomfortable. Ok. I respect that. I have backed off and not mentioned it since I wrote that old thread.

But.

It is a HUGE stress for me that any time I spend with Dag is automatically, without exception, time away from my husband and my friends. As we get emotionally closer, Dag has been wanting more and more time. He wants standing Friday date. Usually fine, but sometimes it means choosing between seeing half a dozen of my best friends and seeing Dag He wants full weekends sometimes now, instead of the overnights we've been doing. My being gone Friday night through Sunday night is tough on Andy emotionally so I don't like to do it very often. If we could invite Andy on some of those adventures? Or even include Stephanie or other friends? That would be heaven for me.

So, that's where I am with this, today. That's where the deep discomfort and stress is coming from. I'm just tired and frustrated and burnt out on feeling like this great relationship is taking me away from all the other people in my life.
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Sharing Andy with Stephanie and other friend-girls
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  #13  
Old 12-10-2015, 11:10 PM
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Reverie Reverie is offline
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I dealt with this about a year ago, although I was in your husband's position, not yours. At the time, my partner had another partner who wanted things so separate that it was almost DADT, while my partner (and I) wanted a more inclusive way of doing things.

Stuff would come to a head around holidays and birthdays, when my partner resented that he had to "split time" and his other partner resented that I "got to" attend more things because she would bow out when he would refuse not to invite me.

With my partner's permission, I tried to reach out to her and let her know that I was interested in being her teammate rather than her rival for time, and she took it as a condescending affront, like by reaching out to her I was purposefully antagonizing her. While I had thought that if we could only exchange words, she'd understand where I was coming from. I was wrong.

They ended up breaking up (though they had other issues; that was not the only one), and since then, we kind of have a guideline to only date people who are cool with at least being cordial and social in group situations like parties where other partners might be present.

I don't really know what to tell you other than to empathize, because I know it's hard. There really are two schools of thought on this, and it seems devilish hard to mix them in a polycule.
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  #14  
Old 12-10-2015, 11:33 PM
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GirlFromTexlahoma GirlFromTexlahoma is offline
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Originally Posted by Reverie View Post
I don't really know what to tell you other than to empathize, because I know it's hard. There really are two schools of thought on this, and it seems devilish hard to mix them in a polycule.
Thank you It helps A LOT just to realize I'm not the only one who has dealt with this, and that I'm not crazy for feeling like its a big deal.
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~ Claire

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In a relationship with Castle
Sharing Andy with Stephanie and other friend-girls
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  #15  
Old 12-11-2015, 01:15 PM
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GirlFromTexlahoma GirlFromTexlahoma is offline
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I only got a few hours of sleep last night ... Not feeling my best this morning.

Andy is quite literally on the other side of the world right now. I'm used to him traveling for work but it's usually U.S. or Europe... Where he is now feels very, very far away.

I tried to stay up until 2am so I could check in with him on his layover between flights. (How are there flights in 2015 with no wifi ) I left him a message to call me but instead he sent a text - didn't want to wake me if I had fallen asleep. So sweet. But I didn't really want the sleep as much as I wanted to hear his voice.

I'm seeing Dag tonight - he is soooo excited that we get my house to ourselves for almost a week. I'm just not in the same headspace right now. I miss my husband. Even though it will be wonderful to hang out with Dag, I can't really be happy that Andy's gone.

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~ Claire

Female, straight, 38
Married 14 years to Andy
In a relationship with Castle
Sharing Andy with Stephanie and other friend-girls
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  #16  
Old 12-12-2015, 03:59 PM
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GirlFromTexlahoma GirlFromTexlahoma is offline
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Default Life is good today :)

I had an AMAZING night with Dag last night

Just feeling sooo much better about... Everything.

We met at a bar near my house, hung out for a couple of hours there, then walked around downtown. I had decided I was NOT going to bring up any heavy emotional stuff, that I would focus on just enjoying the time together. Well, best laid plans and all that We ended up talking a lot about *us*, and I'm so glad we did.

Turns out he has been feeling a lot of the same things I have - that we don't get enough time together, that we don't make each other enough of a priority. We've both been busy lately and neglecting the relationship a little, I think.

He said that only spending one evening a week together lately has made anxious about our relationship. Made him feel unimportant. And when he feels unimportant, he's afraid to ask for more time or attention because he assumes I'll say no and be upset at him for asking. Hmmm, sounds familiar

So we both agreed to 1) try and find more time, even if it's just short lunch dates and 2) find ways to remind ourselves and each other that this relationship IS important, even when we aren't physically together very often.

The other AMAZING thing that happened last night is that for the first time ever, Dag was comfortable hanging around while I texted Andy. Usually he kind of plays with his own phone (or leaves the room, even) if I need to check in with Andy. But last night I was all boozy and goofing around texting at the bar and Dag was helping me send Andy silly animations and stuff.

At one point Andy wrote, "tell Dag not to drink the xxxx if he wants to stay awake long enough to get some" and Dag laughed and said, tell him thanks for the tip. I know it sounds like such a small insignificant thing but to me it was huge.

Aaaaand later we went back to my house and had The. Best. Sex. Ever. Like, both of us just staring at each other afterwards going "what WAS that?" Dag couldn't stay all night because he had an early morning holiday fair thing at his kids' school... But he stayed long enough that we could fall asleep naked and cuddled together... And wake up in the middle of the night for a second round

So I'm wrapping presents and decorating and running errands today with a huge grin on my face
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Female, straight, 38
Married 14 years to Andy
In a relationship with Castle
Sharing Andy with Stephanie and other friend-girls
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  #17  
Old 12-13-2015, 11:14 PM
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GirlFromTexlahoma GirlFromTexlahoma is offline
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Default Sunday blahs

There was a thread recently about whether or not people feel an "emotional drop" after overnights with non-nesting partners...I'm feeling the drop today.

I don't usually, but usually I come home from overnights with Dag and Andy is there waiting. The "missing Dag" gets canceled out by the "no longer missing Andy", I guess. Today, Dag left to go spend the day with his kids and I've just been alone all day.

I suck at being alone. I'm like the female Jerry Maguire

Don't get me wrong, I like SOME alone time. My trail runs and my yoga. A few hours to read or watch a movie. I'm fine on the days Andy works and I'm home. But that's about it. I run out of things to clean and I start to get antsy. I find myself contemplating the five hours left before bedtime and wondering how I will fill them. Gym trip kills an hour plus gets me some social interaction Other than that... I really should have made plans with friends for tonight, I just thought I'd be tired from all the Dag time and want quiet. Ha. I should know myself better than that by now.

Dag texted me earlier feeling guilty that I was alone while he was with his kids. (Both Dag and Andy are wired like me, they want companionship and company and people around them even when they aren't actively engaged with anyone.) Of course I told him was fine and enjoying the quiet day - last thing I ever want is for him to feel guilty about his Dad-time. But I think he knows I'm faking he's been texting the whole afternoon while schlepping the kids around, and he doesn't usually do that.

At least it's morning on the other side of the world now, Andy is waking up and will have a few hours before work to share the burden of Claire neediness
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~ Claire

Female, straight, 38
Married 14 years to Andy
In a relationship with Castle
Sharing Andy with Stephanie and other friend-girls
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  #18  
Old 12-13-2015, 11:57 PM
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GirlFromTexlahoma GirlFromTexlahoma is offline
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Default Being Present

I have gotten a lot of advice on this forum about how I need to be "present" and "current" in my relationships - to enjoy the moment. And it's frustrating for me to read that because for the most part I am, and I do. I enjoy and savor every moment with both my guys. I'm fully present when I'm with them, fully in the moment. I'm also completely focused on work when I'm at work, on my friends when I'm with them.

But how the hell am I supposed to be "present" with a partner when that partner isn't present? How am I supposed to be "current" with them when I'm not currently with them?



The time I spend with Dag or Andy isn't the problem. It's the times I'm NOT with them. I miss them. Crave them. Especially when I'm alone. It's not like they substitute for each other at all - but when I'm with a partner I do focus on that person and there is less room for the missing and craving to take over.

It's more of an issue with Dag, obviously, because I get more time with Andy than I do with Dag. I can usually go two or three days without seeing a partner before the not-seeing-them starts to really get me down. The only times Andy and I are separated for that long are his longer business trips. Dag and I go three or more days without seeing each other most weeks

I know I'm just spinning myself in circles here, analyzing and over thinking it all. Ugh. Gym time. Does people-watching at the gym qualify as living fully in the moment?
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~ Claire

Female, straight, 38
Married 14 years to Andy
In a relationship with Castle
Sharing Andy with Stephanie and other friend-girls
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  #19  
Old 12-14-2015, 12:10 AM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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"Being present" isn't only about physical presence. It's about keeping your mind on the present *moment*, like the fact that they're part of your life, and thinking about the positive aspects of each relationship and each man, rather than dwelling on "they're not here" or worrying about what might happen in the future, or thinking about negative things from the past that might happen again or might affect how things are now.

And if you've read my blog at all, you know I have the same problem with *not* being present...Just because someone understands the concept doesn't make it easy to do.
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  #20  
Old 12-14-2015, 12:31 AM
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GirlFromTexlahoma GirlFromTexlahoma is offline
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Originally Posted by KC43 View Post
"Being present" isn't only about physical presence. It's about keeping your mind on the present *moment*, like the fact that they're part of your life, and thinking about the positive aspects of each relationship and each man, rather than dwelling on "they're not here" or worrying about what might happen in the future, or thinking about negative things from the past that might happen again or might affect how things are now.
The "what might happen in the future" is the toughest one for me. Uncertainty is not my friend

Tonight I've been chatting with Dag, made plans to see him tomorrow night. So I'm in a happy place right now, knowing I'll get two nights with him this week. But I hate that I need that to be ok... Hate not being able to just, I don't know, roll with it and take it as it comes.

Quote:
And if you've read my blog at all, you know I have the same problem with *not* being present...Just because someone understands the concept doesn't make it easy to do.
I have read it and it's very helpful to me Which might seem strange since you and I tend to want very different (opposite, sometimes!) things with regard to what you called "poly-blob" But the way you process and work through things - not to mention the honest self-examination - is inspiring.
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~ Claire

Female, straight, 38
Married 14 years to Andy
In a relationship with Castle
Sharing Andy with Stephanie and other friend-girls
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