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  #451  
Old 12-07-2017, 07:32 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Following nanowrimo, things have descended into a state of calm around here. Stuff in our house keeps breaking, though. This time it's the garage door opener. And the dryer is still on the fritz.

In good news, Guitarist has been doing more around the home. So when Spice unexpectedly had to come over last night because he couldn't get out of the garage, it didn't freak me out as much as it might have.

Things with Raven are still idunno. I don't have any strong feelings for or against our relationship. I enjoy seeing her when I see her, but I don't have any stronger emotions toward her than I have as a friend. But it's comfortable and I don't want to disrupt it. I kind of feel like a bad partner. I wish I felt more. But I think my expectations lifting and getting dashed has taken its toll on how much emotional exposure I'm willing to give myself. She's a great person, she's fun, but I don't love her, for which I'm pretty relieved.

I'm still planning on going out to see Flame in January. My tests are all back negative, and the tests he has back are negative (with no expectation the others will be positive) so I guess there's a possibility of sex stuff there, if I feel like it. Which I suspect will honestly have a lot more to do with how we reconnect, first, and then second whether he feels like putting in the effort to me interested.

I'm pretty ambivalent about sex at all right now, to be honest. I don't really have a sex drive lately, even for the people I DO love, but I still enjoy sex as a bonding activity. I wish I knew how much was my medications, how much is the time of year (my interest often drops in the winter), how much is age-related changes, and how much is how I've always been. Not that it would change where I'm at now, but it would be interesting to know.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my spouse, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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  #452  
Old 12-14-2017, 01:33 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Things remain quiet and stable. Everything is good with Guitarst. Lately, he's started doing a lot more work around the house, which makes me intensely happy.

I'm content with where things are with Raven. I'm not getting to see her this week, continuing our every other week tradition, but since my mood is stable right now it's not driving me crazy. I enjoy her company when we do get to spend time together. I don't think the relationship will ever escalate to the place I'd like it to be, but no relationships is ever perfect. If I view it standing alone, it brings me more pleasure than frustration. I hope I've moved into acceptance instead of struggling with what I'd like the relationship to be.

I'm excited to get to see Flame in January. He's been squeeing extensively to me over the phone about his birthday present and my upcoming trip. He's having a rough patch in life right now after his move. Apparently his ex kept a lot of information from him while he was across the country that is now getting divulged, like that his son might not be neurotypical, and he's struggling a lot with guilt and worry over that. I'm still not really sure how the trip is going to go, but it'll be good to see him. I was shocked to realize that it's been years. Years!

I'm not really looking forward to the holidays. We've recently been dumped on with snow, I hate driving, I'm not really into peopleing, etc etc etc. But I did take 3 days off from work, which gives me 11 consecutive days off, and it's hard to beat that.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my spouse, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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  #453  
Old 01-03-2018, 02:55 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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My relationships are good right now. Meanwhile, my dad was recently diagnosed with severe COPD and won't quit smoking, and my dog is having emergency surgery today for an obstruction in her stomach. I haven't posted much because there hasn't been much poly processing to do and I've been pretty depressed and listless due to the various health crap.

I figure there will be processing around me going out to see Flame (soon, so soon, it feels like crazy soon at this point), but none of that has happened yet. It's all been dad stuff and dog stuff around here.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my spouse, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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  #454  
Old 01-03-2018, 04:43 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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*gentle internet hugs* (if you want them)

I'm sorry your dad is ill and struggling with addiction. That is really hard to deal with.

And I'm sorry your dog has an obstruction. That's pretty serious and scary. But I'm glad you can address it medically.

Best wishes for your dad, your dog and you.
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  #455  
Old 01-05-2018, 04:43 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Thanks, so far so good with my dog. She's regained her appetite and unless her situation changes drastically within the next 5 days, she should recover.

...

If nothing else happens with her, it won't disrupt my trip out to see Flame. But if anything else arises, I'm going to have to reschedule. Yesterday, I was thinking about canceling due to not feeling great about saddling Guitarist with sick dog duty for a week, and worry that I'll have more worry about my dog than fun, but I ultimately decided that I'd rather still go. Both Guitarist and Flame have been amazingly understanding and supportive of whatever I decide, which... what did I do to deserve such understanding people in my life, I don't really know.

Raven and I made plans for next week during the week, since I'll be traveling on a Raven day and she's been sick so I haven't seen her for three weeks now. I miss her, but my resolution to let that relationship be what it is really seems to be paying off in the sense of me stressing out about it a lot less.

I'm also totally over trying to avoid getting sick. If it happens, it happens, so I've offered to come over to her place and nurse her a bit, but she hasn't been feeling up to it. Which I also totally understand. I'm glad I'll be getting to see her before I leave the state for a week.

As far as the trip itself, I'm getting pretty anxious. I hate travel and I hate change and this is involving a fair bit of both. Flame is one of my best friends and the possibility of romance changes things. But also... what if it turns out that I don't want romance? He says he'll be fine with that and he's just excited to see me, but I'm worried he might get very disappointed if the demi side of my demisexuality refuses to go home and I don't want to do anything sexual. I haven't been very sexual lately, anyway, so that's a real possibility. My anxiety is all like, this could totally ruin your friendship! I'm trying to choose to believe that it won't, and if it does, worrying about it now won't change it.

I'm also worried that Guitarist is having or will have Feelings. This is my first possible other-guy-thing, since I'm mostly into girls lately (another reason why I'm like, AHHHHH what if it doesn't work romantically with Flame). I don't think anything will ruin my relationship with Guitarist. But new things and changes are weird and unpredictable. I can have some pretty strong Feelings when he's seeing someone new, but maybe I'm just projecting.

The fact that we haven't talked about it at all makes me suspect that he IS having feelings but he's dealing with them, and I don't want to push a conversation if he needs his space. Or especially I don't want to push a conversation if he ISN'T having feelings. But I've had a lot of time to adjust to him having other things with women, and there were definitely some Feelings there, and this would be my first time having a thing with another man, so I can't expect that there are no Feelings.

It doesn't help that have a huge layer of guilt going on right now. I feel like I'm being unfair. Guitarist barely ever does overnights, and here I am, leaving him for a whole week. I know that polyamory isn't a quid pro quo kind of thing, but... I don't know. That thought is hanging around, trebly so since I'd be leaving him with sole pet care for a large dog recovering from surgery.

So that's where I'm at: a ball of guilt and anxiety in just about all non-Raven directions.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my spouse, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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  #456  
Old 01-08-2018, 11:03 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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I haven't been getting a lot of sleep and I've been really anxious lately. Uncertainty slays me, and there's very little more uncertain than my dog's constantly evolving medical condition in conjunction with my planned trip... at the end of this week. Just saying that tightens up my shoulders.

My dog has been leaking serous fluid from her incision. Apparently this is not something crazy for an incision of this size, and we're supposed to just monitor it for signs of bleeding or infection. Which I know now, but last night Guitarist saw a drop of red on the snow after she pooped and that led to all kinds of anxiety about her stitches. We're back to just serous fluid this morning. The vet said to just keep an eye on it, unless the volume increases or there is blood or pus.

I'd never have thought I'd care so much about the state of the crap that comes out of my dog, but here we are.

I'm seeing Raven on Wednesday after work. That's after a hair appointment. I had to double up because I have something literally every other night this week and then I'm leaving Friday morning. Uuuuugh. I've never dreaded a trip so much, but I know that I'll regret it intensely if I don't go.

Flame continues to be understanding about the possibility of last-minute cancelations. He'd do the same if it was his pet, he says. And Guitarist seems to have no resentment, or if he has it he hasn't said anything.

I have to trust my people to mean what they say, and say what they want or need. This is my mantra when my anxiety is whispering all kinds of "but what if" at me. Still, though, it would be nice to get some sleep.

I have counseling tonight so hopefully that helps.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my spouse, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
Reply With Quote
  #457  
Old 01-11-2018, 06:21 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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I'm still having a hard time believing that I'm leaving to see Flame tomorrow. There's so much I need to do. Enter my hours at work since I'm going to be gone at the end of the pay period. Pick up prescriptions, cut pills and put just enough of them to last in old but not expired bottles for travel (the joy of traveling as a lawyer with scheduled substances!), print tickets in case something goes wrong with my phone tickets, dote on the pets. Decide which books I'm taking, print off things to edit by hand, clean out my laptop case. Try to sleep.

Guitarist is going to be gone this evening, I think over at Magical's. He hasn't seen her in a good long while. While I was initially like, why on the last night before I leave for a week, he said he just didn't think about it. I believe him. I think I put a lot more weight on those kinds of things than he does. But looking at my busy packing schedule, I'm kind of glad he's going to be out of the house. I would worry about him driving me to the train station in the morning, but I know that he'll probably be back in plenty of time and I doubt he's going to try to sleep anyway. His usual bed time lately has been 5 am.

As for the trip itself, Flame has asked things like what kind of coffee do I like. Very thoughtful, I don't know why it would stress me out so much, but it does. I think because it's a reminder that this is coming up tomorrow (tomorrow!) and I'm so unprepared for traveling and still anxious about how things are going to go. It's pointless to worry about things that might not even happen, but here I sit, mentally rehearsing conversations that probably won't occur. Good times!
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my spouse, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
Reply With Quote
  #458  
Old 01-21-2018, 07:26 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Despite the massive loads of travel anxiety, I had a very good time at Flame's. I got to play tabletop Starfinder with his gaming friends. They're great RPers and more focused on the RP than the hack and slash, which is a dynamic that just doesn't happen with my gaming groups here at home. Not that I don't love my friends, but Irish is very much a min-maxer, and I distinctly remember this time a sheriff walked into a bar to talk to the party and they ended up starting a gunfight in Deadlands. For no reason.

We also went to trivia with the same group of friends. I am so relieved to see that now that he's moved back to the midwest, he has a supportive group of people. Flame's closest friend lives just up the block within walking distance and is clearly the rock-type of friend that Flame was desperately missing when he was on the west coast. Flame himself seems to be doing so much better. Between rounds of hanging out with his friends, we mostly just chilled on his giant bean bag, in front of his gas fireplace, watching TV or playing video games. It was intensely relaxing.

We did end up having sex, quite a bit of it after it started happening, but since he had said there was no pressure, it took that worry away. Instead, we just fell back into our friendship pretty much the moment I stepped off the train, and sex just sort of happened, like it does between me and my friends. He had forgotten to pick up condoms, so there was a lot of outercourse at first, which is very much my speed. I think it helps that we text pretty much every day, even though I don't physically see him all that much, so I tend to remain feeling very close to him even when we're at a distance.

At the risk of TMI, I will say that it's very different dealing with a different penis. I haven't had a different penis in something like eight years. I'm used to certain sensations and there was some mental adjustment that I had to make.

I'm planning on going back out there in the summer at some point, after I check my vacation time accruals and we can figure out a week that will work. Probably over another holiday, so that I can spend more time out there without having to burn through all my vacation time. Not that this isn't what vacation time is for, but I definitely need at least a week in October for my anniversary trip with Guitarist.

Flame and I had some talks about future stuff and he's not really sure what he is planning on doing in terms of other relationships. He isn't looking for anyone right now because he's still working on himself, and he's worried about opening up to someone else, since he tends to get taken advantage of when he does. He would like to have a nesting partner eventually, and he also hopes to find someone open, but he's not committed to that exactly. While this kind of uncertainty would normally drive me insane, it isn't bothering me very much right now. I imagine that will change after the Intense Happy wears off, though.

Since I've been home, I've been buzzy with happiness. I did some processing with Guitarist when I got home and he wasn't having any Feelings at all, beyond missing me while I was away. The happiness is positively affecting my mood with Guitarist, as well. I haven't been this horny for him in a while. Not that I don't love sex with him, but I almost feel like I'm back in NRE with him what with wanting him all the time and feeling so madly in love with everyone and everything. I just wish he wasn't sick right now.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my spouse, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
Reply With Quote
  #459  
Old 01-26-2018, 04:21 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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I had a pretty bizarre dream last night. I was at an apartment that I shared with Purr to pick up some things. I hadn't told her I would be there, and I had all of my pets with me. I had just gotten out of the shower when she showed up with 3 people with whom she was pretty clearly making out. She asked what the hell I was doing there and I said I was grabbing some things to take home. I apologized for being there without telling her, and she was clearly angry, but invited me to engage in sexual activity with her people. I declined, and she started throwing my stuff at me, telling me we were breaking up. So I told her that was okay because I'd been thinking about breaking up with her, and she got even more angry that I wasn't upset. Meanwhile, one of her people let my dog out into the street, and then we couldn't find my cats when we were loading up my car. It was an insane dream. Nothing about it was like Purr at all.

I wonder if my brain was doing some Raven processing somehow. I'm supposed to see her tonight, I know I'll have fun after we reconnect, but I'm feeling very "meh" about it right now. I'm not consciously in a place where I want to end the relationship, but maybe my unconscious mind is?

I so don't even know. Raven hasn't done anything wrong. I just don't see her or connect with her regularly enough to maintain a spark. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, and I'm in a place where I value what we have, even though it's not everything I was looking for. I don't even WANT to look for another thing, so it's not like I feel that I'm missing out on something else somehow by seeing her. I just don't think I care whether it continues or ends, which is a horrible thing to admit. I'd be just as happy being her friend as I am being her girlfriend.

Maybe it's something I should bring up in therapy and see what my shrink says.

Speaking of therapy, I "graduated" again. She says I've made really remarkable progress in the year+ and that I probably can cut down to once monthly. We're doing a trial thing where if I think I don't need the next week's appointment, I can call and cancel. I'm so glad my first therapist this time was such a great fit with me and that my meds are doing what they need to do. Thinking back on how bad I was makes me sad. That's the problem with being high-functioning on a mental illness: you think you're fine until everything is SO NOT FINE.

Meanwhile, Guitarist gave me unexpected couch cuddles yesterday. He's going to a sex party over at Spice's tomorrow, and we need to clarify my expectations, but I'm suprised at how not worried I am. A few squibbles and that's it. I think my trust has rebuilt, if not entirely, at least to the point where I'm not on edge that he'll make another rule-breaky choice.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my spouse, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
Reply With Quote
  #460  
Old 01-29-2018, 01:38 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Well, I think I should stop trying to read too much into that bad dream because, in the first place, my date with Raven went very well and we had a great time as usual. So my reminders to myself that the two weeks between dates seems related to a lot of the pre-date feelings of apathy and distance was on point.

Second, I've been having nightmares all weekend. This morning I woke myself up yelling a couple of times starting around 6 am because I was dreaming that my dad broke into my house and stole the dehumidifier out of my basement. He replaced it with a "better" alternative that was clearly not working. Everyone in the dream kept trying to convince me that it was working fine, even though our basement walls were seeping moisture and there was a puddle. Also there were feral cats breeding in our basement. Also my sister and her husband who I don't like were living with me and didn't want to get the cats fixed or try to rehome them.

So... yeah, I think I've just been anxious about this job I applied for, that I'm pretty certain I won't get but apparently hope and anxiety both spring eternal. My potential future boss said she wanted to make a decision "by February" so hopefully I hear back about that soon and can stop having these crazystressful dreams.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my spouse, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
Reply With Quote
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