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  #21  
Old 09-25-2015, 07:43 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Some days I'm perfectly fine, some days I'm just barely hanging on, and some days these two extremes (being fine is actually an extreme right now) happen within hours of each other.

I was having a happy morning of compersion for Guitarist having a date with Purr. I shared some nice texts with Marian. I got a lot done at work. It was just a normal morning.

After lunch, my mood crashed. My eyes are wet but I refuse to cry at work, I'm obsessing over the things that are bothering me (and trying more or less successfully not to take them out on others), and I can't concentrate for shit. I've been staring at this single paragraph of work project for twenty minutes and it might as well be written in Latin. All I want to do right now is drink, eat, and sleep, preferably in that order.

I refuse to drink today. I refuse to depart from my meal plan. ... I may give in and take a nap, though.

Fuck stress. Happy Friday.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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  #22  
Old 09-26-2015, 03:09 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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The mood swings continue! Last night ended up being good in the end. I texted a bunch with Flame, and he talked me up enough from crashing and burning that I was in good enough shape to drive home from work. I love that I can just text him ďtell me some nice thingsĒ without having to explain that Iím starting to doom spiral, and heíll come back with all kinds of poetical shit. He is very much a kindred soul.

Later, I realized why everything crashed so abruptly and so hard. Iím hormonal because Iím ovulating. Of course, the way I realized this was the abrupt stabbing pain from my kidney to my stomach later in the evening, followed by the annoying cyst pain that will probably last a day or three. Stupid body. Why do you do this to me. I donít want babies.

After I got home, I was texting with Purr and she wanted to know if I wanted to come over. I was still in a bad enough place that I kind of didnít, so I told her that I was still decompressing and to give me a couple of hours. I ended up going over when I felt better and we did some snuggling and talking that progressed, after her kids went to bed, into making out and talking. The talking covered a lot of everything. Our feelings for each other and what they are and arenít, what weíre looking for in relationships, what turns us on, all that good stuff. It was quite nice.

When I couldnít justify keeping her up any longer, I came home and played some Cataclysm DDA for a couple of hours before cuddling Guitarist awake. We did some talking and reconnecting and sex, and I went to bed feeling pretty good.

Cue nightmares. I think I slept six hours, all of which involved dreaming about my entire family being stuck inside a burning building that I couldnít rescue them from. I woke up sick to my stomach from sleep-stress. Guitarist came out from his office all bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and Ďquery: more sex,í but I had to turn him down because I was really, REALLY not feeling it. Iím not a morning person, so sometimes in the morning Iíll let him initiate even when I'm not that into it because I know that as weíre going on Iíll get very into it. Not this morning. I just wasnít in the right headspace.

Instead while I was getting coffee around we started talking more about poly stuff, touching base after my (first) solo make-out with Purr last night. Heís feeling good, Iím feeling good, weíre both feeling good together. Four thumbs up.

We also both agree that we donít want to transition to seeing Purr as a threesome all the time. Purr is down with any combination of seeing us, as long as itís often. I very much need alone time to have meaningful relationships, even though the three-way making out of a few days ago was pretty hot. There were some minor concerns from Guitarist regarding the future and scheduling with Purr, but very much in the nature of bridges weíll cross if we come to them. Very reassuring stuff, and I was feeling pretty good after.

But wait, there's more! In the middle of that conversation, Dad called and went to voicemail. Heís clearly very upset and was asking for me to give him a ride somewhere. My instinct is to call him back, talk to him, comfort him, but I know that his being upset at mom very quickly turns into picking a fight with me and being upset with me, soÖ no. I can't even right now. Also I suspect the needing a ride thing is just an excuse to have a captive audience in a car for a while, because he has a perfectly functional truck. Iíll give him a few hours to calm down before I call him back. My mood dropped back down all the same, so Iím now hovering around mildly depressed.

Tonight, my friend from college that I met up with at the concert on Wednesday (Iíll call him Thrash) is going to be in town for a concert here in Small City. He wanted to know if I was planning on going. I wasnít, but I told him that if heís going, Iíll come out. Itís at the Ďusualí venue where weíve seen concerts together many times before, and after the usual venue show we usually go out for breakfast afterward at the 24-hour mom-and-pop breakfast place across the street. Iím really more interested in the breakfast and talk time than the concert itself, but it should be fun anyway. If nothing else it will get me out of the house and out of my own head.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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  #23  
Old 09-27-2015, 09:45 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Yesterday was another day. Between struggling with a sinus infection and depression, I mostly just wanted to sleep and eat and wander from activity to activity being simultaneously bored and not wanting to do anything. My dad kept calling and I kept letting him go to voicemail. The voicemails were highly passive aggressive and manipulative.

Around mid-afternoon, my sister called. She was worried about dad, he wanted us to come over when she got out of work so that he could tell us something ďvery important,Ē she wanted to go because she was worried about his mental state, would I please go too. I said I would go to support her, so thatís where I ended up spending my evening instead of playing online games with my friends and then going to a concert. I don't regret going, but it was not a very fun time.

Mom filed for divorce on Friday. This knowledge led to simultaneous sadness and relief on my part. Dad thinks he has narcissistic personality disorder because he found an internet article that he really relates to and seems to describe him. He also had an abusive childhood and some other really horrible stuff that happened. I hope he doesnít think that telling us these things excuses his less savory behaviors (mostly of the manipulative variety). And I do hope he gets therapy, though Iím not really sure heíll actually follow through. In a lot of ways my dad is a good person, and I love him very much even though I canít deal with him right now.

Then I didn't get much sleep. More nightmares, etc, except with the added bonus of waking up several times thinking that there was someone in my house. This morning, I was still feeling pretty glum. Guitarist cuddle-sexed me into a slightly better place when he got home from work, and then I group chatted for quite a while with him and Purr about things.

Purr disclosed that she kissed an ex at a party last night. I was very much ďso what,Ē but it set off some major wibbles on Guitaristís part. He seemed to be more upset that he was having them than actually jealous, so I disclosed some of my wibbles about an evening that I suspected (I didnít even know for sure!) that Marian had a date with someone new. He said that he felt better to know that he wasnít the only one that had insecure feelings like that.

My insecurity stuff comes from a worry about being replaceable. Marian clearly likes me and wants to spend time with me, but our relationship is still very new. Weíve havenít even been dating a month yet. My NRE is extremely strong. Iím worried she might find someone or something she likes better and break things off with me. The best thing I can do about that is tell my brain to shut up because there is no evidence backing up that scenario. Quite the contrary, sheís always excited to talk to me and seems to look forward to our dates as much as I do. There is nothing she does or says that gives off warning flags.

Sometimes I wonder if Iíll ever feel secure in poly relationships, and then I remember to tell my brain to shut up some more because I havenít even been trying it all that long. I recognize that a lot of this is depression speaking. One of the reasons Iím so secure with Guitarist is that our relationship has been tested quite frequently over the last five years and he has proven time and again that my trust and respect are not misplaced. My relationship with Marian hasnít had time to be tested like that.

Tonight, I donít have any big plans. Iím not sure yet whether Iíll play a game or watch Netflix. In either case, the struggle is going to be not eating everything in sight and then breaking into the scotch. So far, so good.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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  #24  
Old 09-28-2015, 12:48 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Default Can't make this shit up

So this has been my morning. I was standing in the shower mentally poking myself in the feelings, wondering if I really do actually feel okay this morning or if thatís the deep dark pit of depression not letting me feel anything. I got out of the shower, performed my post-shower toilet flush, grabbed my second replacement wedding ring off the counter, the ring slipped off my fingertips and went flying into the toilet, landed on a cushion of toilet paper, and went sailing down the drain. The ring is no longer in the toilet. I looked.

I bought this replacement wedding ring only two weekends ago. It is (was) a cheap silver ring with a flower pattern that I really liked. The first wedding ring was defective and started corroding, the first replacement wedding ring was lost and never heard from again and is probably behind the dresser or fell in the trash can by the dresser or was made off with by the cats.

This is why we canít have nice things.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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  #25  
Old 09-29-2015, 10:18 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Iíve had a couple more up-and-down days. I texted a bunch with Marian yesterday morning and received my reassurances that Iím not the only one thatís feeling the 10-day length between our last date and our date tomorrow. That got me all psyched up. The psyched up lasted through pretty much the whole day, mixed with a lot of compersion about Guitaristís date with Purr and excitement my date with Purr later that evening.

The good feels did not take me through the realization that Guitarist did not get home from his date with Purr in a timely fashion. He said he was going to get home relatively early and mow the lawn. Our back lawn hasnít been mowed in two months and itís been constant excuses for two weeks, when I first said it was bothering me. The first couple times X came up, or Y came up, I give the benefit of the doubt and say Ďoh thatís fine youíll get to it later.í But after two weeks, X Y and Z start to look like procrastination and excuses.

Iíd like to blame the him-letting-the-lawn-slide stuff on poly, but itís been a running battle in our relationship since we bought the house. I absolutely did not want a house with this much yard. I have reactive airways asthma and a grass allergy. Guess who canít mow grass? Guess who has sinus and breathing problems when there is long grass all around the living space? My inability to do grass was definitely a point brought up in the whole buying-a-house conversation. I received many reassurances that he could take care of the grass, because he wanted a house a certain distance from the neighbors so he could have a band without worrying about noise complaints. We bought our house. It has over an acre of lawn.

Anyway, I was still pretty annoyed about that on showing up at Purrís house. She asked what was wrong and I told her. Purr took that as an invitation to triangulate the lawn-annoyance to Guitarist (who had already received an earful about lawn annoyance from me, because Iím pretty vocal about things that are bothering me). Lesson learned: do not vent about Guitarist things to Purr. Next time Iíll just say I donít want to talk about it, which will be true.

After our conversation, Guitarist promised to prioritize mowing the lawn. Today it was raining, which is not an excuse on his part. Iím trying to believe that he really will prioritize it now. Sometimes I think he really is just actually that oblivious to how much allergies suck and that the shaggy, flowering lawn with its flowering weeds affects my health. I think his brain goes lawn-aesthetic issue-fuck it. But that is not the case and there is only so much that a closed house and allergy medication can do.

Meanwhile, my mother texted me to inform me that, since dad is getting counseling, mom asked her lawyer to withdraw the divorce. Apparently it hadnít been served yet (possibly not even filed, Iím not clear on that pointÖ dad did say she filed on Friday, but non-legal-people tend to be a bit fast and loose with legal terms), so now itís just a waiting game to see if dad is serious about getting therapy. He has a meeting with a guy that specializes in personality disorders on Friday. Iím really hoping that everything goes well in therapy, that my dad gets some of the help he needs to deal with some of his issues.

At the same time, Iím remarkably pissed off. This is the third or fourth time theyíve been ďgetting a divorce.Ē While it was by far the most severe, I feel like it has been much stress about nothing. Next time Iím going to tell them not to call me until itís final or theyíve made up. This may just be the depression speaking. Or the anger. Or the residual stress.

Iím doing online gaming with Flame tonight. Iím thinking about hand-writing him a note on stationary about how awesome he is as a friend and how much I adore him and how much his support has meant to me lately and sending it to him in the actual mail. He still beams about a card I sent him for his birthday one year that I drew. Sometimes itís those little personal touches!

Tomorrow, I have a date with Marian. Iím going over to her house and sheís going to cook. Iím not sure whether Ranger will be there, but I hope some alone time is in the offing. Everything about our text-conversations yesterday morning and this morning reassured me that Iím not being too needy, that 10 days was a long break, and that she misses me too.

But I still get anxious about texting her. Itís an odd form for insecurity to take. I donít want to be viewed as needy, but at the same time I really like talking to her and so I get the urge to text her just about every day that I'm not insanely busy. She seems to enjoy talking to me whenever I do this. The thing is, she rarely texts me first. It could just be that sheís not a first-texter person, but if she needs the space, I want to give her the space. Anyway, I hope we can briefly touch base about that, so that I have an answer instead of just speculations.

Now Iím off to make a background for my online gaming character. Sigh. I already made the character, now Flame wants a background? I hate digging through the books. Hate hate hate. Itís the worst part of PNP (or in this case, Roll20) RPGs.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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  #26  
Old 09-30-2015, 03:31 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnLeaves View Post
But I still get anxious about texting her. Itís an odd form for insecurity to take. I donít want to be viewed as needy, but at the same time I really like talking to her and so I get the urge to text her just about every day that I'm not insanely busy. She seems to enjoy talking to me whenever I do this. The thing is, she rarely texts me first. It could just be that sheís not a first-texter person, but if she needs the space, I want to give her the space. Anyway, I hope we can briefly touch base about that, so that I have an answer instead of just speculations.
I am an over texter, and so I dialed it back to initiating one conversation a day (excepted for something I really really want to tell them). I feel comfortable with that. I've not had anyone complain that I text too much and generally speaking I get thank yous for thinking of them later even if they don't reply.
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  #27  
Old 09-30-2015, 04:57 PM
icesong icesong is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnLeaves View Post
But I still get anxious about texting her. Itís an odd form for insecurity to take. I donít want to be viewed as needy, but at the same time I really like talking to her and so I get the urge to text her just about every day that I'm not insanely busy. She seems to enjoy talking to me whenever I do this. The thing is, she rarely texts me first. It could just be that sheís not a first-texter person, but if she needs the space, I want to give her the space. Anyway, I hope we can briefly touch base about that, so that I have an answer instead of just speculations.
Not that odd, I could have written it about some of my relationships. :/ That said, I kind of like Nox's mention of differentiating between "people who don't like to text" and "people who don't like to text first", as I've had that same followup conversation with partners about how they liked texts I sent even if they didn't reply. I need to learn to be reassured by that...
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  #28  
Old 09-30-2015, 05:30 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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I'm glad to hear that it's not that strange of a worry! I just want to make sure I'm not crowding her. We both agreed that we wanted about 1x a week casual dating thing, but text contact was just not discussed. I honestly think my anxiety is mostly because the NRE is so strong and I don't want to inadvertently drive her away.

If she says she doesn't mind or enjoys it, I'm going to be happy to continue doing what I'm doing sans annoying anxiety. And if she doesn't want me to text that much, that's fine too. Daily contact isn't a need of mine (I can even go a day or two without seeing Guitarist, who is the person I've been the most contact-needy with in my life).

Meanwhile, I'm done with my work for the day... well, for the rest of the week, really, and Marian said she'd be happy to see me early! So at this point I'm just thumb twiddling and waiting for my boss to leave so I can leave too.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
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  #29  
Old 10-01-2015, 02:29 AM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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What a good evening! I had a lovely dinner and snuggle date after work with Marian. Ranger was home, but he mostly stayed in the basement den. He did come up to help with making dinner and sitting around the table chatting while eating it, but he promptly returned downstairs. Either he was completely comfortable or very good at acting, and I prefer to think the former.

We did so much talking about everything. Sheís so clever. Her thoughts are full of expression and clarity and compassion. Also, have I mentioned how cute she is? The word ďelfinĒ comes to mind when Iím trying to think of a good single adjective to describe her. The texting conversation did come up and I really was anxious over nothing. She doesnít mind me texting her at all, she just doesnít usually think to text first because none of her friends really text. She likes to know that I think about her often. She has thought of little things to send me, but hasnít wanted to imply that I need to respond right away or start a conversation. I reassured her that I don't feel compelled to respond right away if I'm busy, and she doesn't need to feel guilty if she can't respond right away herself. We are now totally on the same page.

I also got a goodnight kiss, my first kiss with Marian. I was so full of butterflies and happy feelings afterward that I turned the wrong way in her subdivision and it took me a while to find my way out. As Iím sitting here now, Iím mostly ecstatic but partially sad. Between my vacation with Guitarist next week and her work schedule, it will be another 12 days before I see her again. At least this time I donít have to agonize about texting her!

Now Iím waiting for it to be a decent hour for me to cuddle Guitarist. Iím starting to miss him horribly. Wednesday is always the hardest part of the week, the longest stretch between when either of us has 'weekend' time at work. On non-weekend days weíre like passing ships unless we schedule cuddle time. Our scheduled cuddle-conversation this week was laced with anxiety and bad feelings, even if it turned out okay. It was on Monday night. I have literally seen him only about 10 minutes since Monday night.

I passed some time by texting with Purr, setting up some dates for next week, but she has now gone to bed. I had proposed having a triad date next week since it will be a rare instance where all of our schedules will match up (Guitarist is switching his sleep schedules around for our vacation). Apparently after having breakfast together this morning, they wanted to know if two dates as a triad would be okay. Now my calendar has two triad dates with Purr and Guitarist bracketing the vacation, and itís all giving me a lot to look forward to next week. And I feel much less guilty for abandoning Purr for four full days.

Did I mention that Iím vacationing with Guitarist several days next week? How we do our vacations is we reserve our sleeping accommodations for the middle of the week, so that we have the weekend before and after to have some down time in our house before the actual vacation itself. The unscheduled weekends give us time to ramp up and time to spin down without the hassles of work and stress clouding our minds while trying to pack, transport pets to pet care, decide activities, etc.

For now I must do some adulting, like paying our mortgage, which I have consistently failed to pay for the last week and that is due tomorrow.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 10-01-2015, 03:50 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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I've been doing a lot of thinking and processing today, since I don't have much of anything to do at work. Today's topic: Purr.

I question my relationship with Purr a lot because the feelings forming the relationship are so different than they were with Guitarist. My relationship with Guitarist was and is amazingly successful, so I think sometimes it's my unconscious model of how a relationship should be. All of the feelings I had for him at the beginning of the relationship are the "right" feelings... because those feelings led to something that works and that I cherish.

But it was successful at being what I wanted and needed it to be: a highly entwined, mutually supportive long-term relationship. That isn't what I want from my other relationships. That isn't what I want from my relationship with Purr.

So the fact that my relationship with Purr is different is okay. That should be true: I'm trying to believe that.

I'm not bowled over by NRE with Purr. I love spending time with her, I enjoy being her rock, I want to support her while she comes out from under the shadows of an abusive relationship and realizes that (unlike what she has been led to believe) she is strong and smart and pretty and capable. I enjoy the time I have with her, but some part of me is holding back and I want to know why.

As I was was writing that just now, I realized that this is more like my relationship with Flame. Another relationship I'd characterize as highly successful. I wasn't bowled over by NRE because I thought we could only be friends. But I've come to love and cherish Flame in a special way regardless. Even though we don't have a physical/romantic relationship (making it different than Purr), we very much have an emotional/romantic relationship. It's meaningful and fulfilling.

So... my model of relationship with Guitarist is not only "right" model that will work for me long-term. That is a fact.

I've been very worried that what I'm giving Purr is somehow "less than." But is she really receiving anything "less than"? And less than what, exactly? Less than the "right" feelings? It doesn't make sense. It makes even less sense because I'm very honest about my feelings with her and she knows what I feel and gives every indication of finding them to be enough.

I think my problem is another strange form of insecurity. It's a fear thing. I fear that she's getting less than with me, because the feelings don't look like my feelings for Guitarist (or Marian), and therfore she will some day realize this and leave me for someone who can give her ALL the "right" feelings. It has made me worried to commit, worried to enjoy the feelings I have because they aren't "right" and because if I feel them too much I'll fall in love and get my heart broken. That's why I'm holding back. But that's silly. It's fear-based reasoning, not logical reasoning supported by any facts.

Anyway, I feel much better now. I'm going to try to just feel my Purr-feelings instead of be so in-my-own-head about them.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, featuring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who very occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice; seeing Honeybee)
Flame (my long-distance relationship)
Reply With Quote
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