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  #91  
Old 11-25-2017, 09:07 AM
Leetah Leetah is offline
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Perhaps it is odd, but when I think of how you were doing a couple of years ago, it is also great! I am happy for you.

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  #92  
Old 12-03-2017, 11:31 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Thanks, Leetah
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  #93  
Old 12-17-2017, 11:00 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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There hasn't been much going on. I'm still going back and forth with having issues about my boyfriend's girlfriend. I'm sure she's a perfectly nice person, but I don't feel ready to meet her, and sometimes he tells me things or I see things on Facebook that upset me. (She sometimes tags him on Facebook posts about their relationship, so they show up in my news feed.) But I'm trying not to let it get to me. I check in with my boyfriend fairly often about whether I'm being a bitch, and he says I'm not and that he understands what's going on with me.

That makes one of us...

Things are going well with Facets, too. Not really anything new going on with that, other than him pulling Dom rank to try to get me to eat healthier and exercise more. He thinks it will help me feel healthier and have a better opinion of myself and how I look. I'm not so sure about that. I used to be about 40 pounds lighter than I am right now, and I had a *worse* opinion of my appearance than I do now. At least now, sometimes I like what I see in the mirror on the rare occasions I look at my entire body instead of just my face. (I'm happy with my face. It's the rest of the body that's the problem.)

I'm trying to get a different kind of business going, rather than what I was trying before, but this one is harder. Motivational speaking, and speaking tied in with my young adult books. It's really difficult because to get speaking gigs to start with, I have to reach out for them. And reaching out to anyone for anything is not my strong point. It's something I would rather avoid, and feel very anxious about doing.

But my current part-time job is too far away for me to keep it much longer. Hubby is already encouraging me to quit, though he says he would want me to find another job. (Easier said than done; I've been looking for jobs closer to home for a month now and haven't been finding anything.) The only way I can really quit my current job is to find other ways to earn money, hence trying to get some speaking gigs going. And trying to get back into writing and publishing erotic fiction. My old stuff is with publishers, but I might self-publish the new stuff.

I'm feeling anxious about that too, though. And about submitting a story to an anthology that posted a call for submissions. The concept is right up my alley, but I haven't written anything erotic for publication in 3 years, and I doubt my skills at this point. My boyfriend and Facets both say they're going to encourage me and push me somewhat to do it, though. So we'll see.
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  #94  
Old 01-14-2018, 01:17 AM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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I decided not to submit a story to the anthology I mentioned. I wrote a story, but it didn't turn out well enough to even spend the time it would take to revise it. I plan to rework it at some point, maybe even expand it into a novel or something. But it ins't something I think I can fix in time to meet the deadline for the anthology.

Plus, to be honest, I'm a little too anxious about the idea of submitting it. I need to write for the enjoyment of it for a while longer, I think, before I start trying to be published again.

I ended up quitting my job, though I'll still be there one day a week doing something in a different context.

Things are going all right with my boyfriend, other than one bump. Something happened with him and someone else a couple of weeks ago that caused me some major issues, and I almost broke up with him because of it. When I think about it, it still leaves me feeling seriously hurt and betrayed. But I'm trying to get past it because it isn't really something he did *to me*, and he has the right to do what he wants. I'm just waiting to see how it plays out, and meanwhile trying to enjoy the relationship.

I've only seen Facets once since the last time I posted here, because he was away for a while, then the weather interfered, and today something else interfered. I did get to see him the other night at karaoke, but that was it. And seeing him in a public place isn't really the same as being at his place with him, which is what I miss. Hopefully next weekend will work out!
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  #95  
Old 02-01-2018, 01:19 AM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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I've gotten to be with Facets the past two weekends, which was awesome. Though I have to admit I was a little disappointed the first weekend. We hadn't been alone together in five weeks, and I had expectations of how things would go that weren't met. To be fair, they weren't clearly expressed either. But it was still a pretty good weekend, and this past weekend was completely awesome. He was really affectionate with me, kind of cuddly and gentle, which I like.

This past weekend, I asked him to take some pictures of me. Having any kind of pictures taken is something I usually hate, and I'm very rarely happy with pictures of me. I'd been asking Facets to take pictures for a while, because it was something he mentioned during our first conversation before we even met. I wanted to push some of my boundaries, but also I hoped that if the pictures turned out well, I might at least catch a glimpse of how I look to Facets and Hubby and my boyfriend. They all tell me I'm beautiful and sexy, but of course I don't usually see it.

Most of the pictures did turn out well. I posted some of them elsewhere, which was another big boundary push since not all of the pictures were exactly tame. (I set them so only certain people on that site can see them.) I cried when I posted them, because part of me was petrified that the people who could see them would lose respect for me. But I got positive reactions from several people, not so much for the pictures as for pushing those boundaries. My boyfriend even said he was proud of me.
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  #96  
Old 03-27-2018, 12:10 AM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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I haven't blogged here in quite a while. Partly because some of the poly things I've been dealing with are about other people, and I can't write about other people's stuff and couldn't figure out how to talk about my feelings without talking about the stuff the feelings were about.

I'm not sure if that paragraph made sense...

Anyway. Still seeing Facets, but there have been problems lately. Some of the problems are completely on me, because they're caused by my feeling insecure about a new woman he's seeing. I know her; she's really nice, and we get along. But she has some qualities I don't have, that I keep thinking Facets prefers, so that leads to some issues on my part. Facets tells me to stop comparing myself to her, because *he* doesn't compare us. He doesn't understand that I'm not comparing myself to her because I think he does; it's just because I've spent too much of my life being "not good enough," so it's easy for me to fall into the trap of feeling not good enough for the people who are currently in my life.

He and I had a difficult conversation yesterday. Some of it was really beneficial, and made me feel more confident and positive in the relationship. But there was one component of the conversation that he brought up in a way that pinged my "I shouldn't want sex, I'm a horrible person for wanting it" button, and I'm still processing through that. He did NOT mean it that way; he made that very clear. But it hit one of my deeper emotional wounds, so it's going to take some work on my part to get past it. And honestly, part of me feels like the subject of that part of the conversation means he and I aren't compatible at this point, and feeling that way isn't helping me get past what he said because I wonder if it's worth putting in the emotional labor for a relationship I'm not sure is viable.

But then I remember the rest of that conversation, and things he said that reassured me about our relationship and how he feels about me, and I believe the relationship *is* viable. He's good for me in a lot of ways, and he understands that sometimes I feel unhappy or upset about things, and that sometimes I don't perceive things accurately, and he's always willing to talk it through with me. Which was something I was afraid to try to do for quite a while, because he told me in the beginning that he doesn't like drama, and I was afraid he would see me trying to discuss issues I have as drama. But he doesn't.

Still seeing my boyfriend as well, and dealing with some insecurity in that relationship too. But that's nothing new in my relationship with him. We always talk things out, and everything ends up okay.

Things are same old, same old with Hubby. Right now we're in a period of him making more of an effort to stay connected with me and interact with me, which I appreciate, but it goes in stages. He'll be more attentive to me for a few weeks, but then slides back to always being on his computer when he's home. Maybe the period of connectedness will last longer this time.

I went through about a month and a half of severe depression, which started slightly before my last entry and got worse through the month of February. It was the deepest, longest period of depression I've ever had, and to be honest, it scared me. I'm incredibly thankful to Hubby and my boyfriend for supporting me through it, and to Facets for hanging in there through it. (I didn't talk to him about what was going on, but I was acting differently and I'm pretty sure he noticed something was wrong.) Fortunately, the depression started to lift a couple weeks ago. I'm still not all the way out of it, but things are a LOT brighter than they were, and I think they're going to keep getting better.
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  #97  
Old 03-29-2018, 01:50 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Do you know what brought on the depression? Do you suffer from SAD (seasonal affective disorder)?

I know you have psychological issues, but I have to say, you must have a lot of love and good things to offer, carrying on a marriage, a long term relationship with Boyfriend, and a newer relationship with Facets!
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  #98  
Old 03-30-2018, 02:06 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Yes, I do have SAD, on top of Major Depressive Disorder. So winters tend to be harder on me than the rest of the year anyway. I think this year, it was made even worse by not having a job, though last winter (2016-17) was the first year I'd had a job in quite a while. Then again, before that I still had the kids at home and was spending quite a bit of time transporting Country, supporting Alt emotionally, etc. So this was the first year with no job *and* no kids.

I sometimes don't feel like I have anything to offer, but my guys keep telling me I'm wrong about that, so I tend to listen to them.
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  #99  
Old 04-19-2018, 05:58 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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And things continue mostly status quo...

I've had some serious discussions with Facets about the issues I have with our relationship. The sex thing got resolved first, though I think he still doesn't understand that when he says things like "You want sex all the time," I don't hear that as a positive thing. (He doesn't mean it positively, but he doesn't mean it negatively either. To him it's just a thing.)

But things generally were getting worse in that relationship, partly because of misperceptions I had about his other relationship, and partly because he was saying things that came across to me as extremely critical of me. It got bad enough that I was right on the verge of breaking up with him, especially since I'd been crying to my boyfriend about it for too long. My boyfriend doesn't mind me talking to him about issues with Hubby or Facets, and Hubby and Facets both know I do it, but that doesn't mean I want to spend much time with my boyfriend processing my other relationships.

Last week, Facets gave me a homework assignment to either watch blow job videos or go to a class one of the local kink groups was giving. He also doesn't quite get that oral sex, while not a trigger for me the way it used to be, is not my favorite thing, and I don't really care if I know how to do it well or know various techniques, because I avoid doing it as much as possible. I was upset and anxious about that assignment, but I chose to go to the class because some people I know were going, including Facets's other partner.

I know common wisdom is don't talk to your metamours about problems with the shared partner, but she had to talk me down from panic mode (which was about the class, not Facets), and in the course of that the issues I was having with Facets kind of spilled out. I told her I was sorry for unloading it on her, and she said it was okay. She encouraged me to talk to Facets and really get him to listen, and she also said a couple of things that took away some of the misperceptions I was having about their relationship.

So over the weekend, I sat Facets down and got him to actually focus on what I was saying. I told him that he often sounds critical, and that while I can take *constructive* criticism, he wasn't being constructive. I pointed out that he already knows I have low self-esteem, and he said, "Yes, and I'm helping you with that." I said, "No, you aren't; the way you phrase things is making it worse." I gave him examples of how he could phrase things so I hear it as suggestions and constructive criticism, rather than hearing it as things that make me feel like shit. He said he saw my point and would try to be more mindful about how he says things. It ended up being a really good weekend, so I think things are going to improve.

This week, I met a guy I clicked with, and he asked me out to lunch today. Unfortunately, there's an issue that means I'm unlikely to get involved with him beyond friendship, but he said he's cool with just being friends. Which is good; I can use more friends.
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  #100  
Old 05-01-2018, 03:57 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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I'm not sure how I'm feeling about poly right now, or at least about my relationships.

I was supposed to see Facets this weekend. He texted Saturday morning to say he didn't want to see me that day. That was okay; he had a valid reason. But I immediately texted back to ask if we could get together for a while Sunday, and he didn't answer.

I texted him Sunday about something else. He didn't answer.

I texted him twice yesterday, once to tell him I'd gotten a haircut (he asked me to grow out my hair; I got it cut to even it up) and then several hours later to ask if he's okay. He hasn't answered.

I don't know what's going on, obviously, because he isn't answering me. He has known from the start that I need to have contact with a partner at least a few times a week to keep that connection in place, and he has promised me he would always answer my texts, though it might take a day or so, and that he would never ghost me. Just a few weeks ago, I told him I was afraid he would just decide to be done with me and cut ties, and he said, "Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere."

Lately, he hasn't been answering all of my texts. He's not answered almost half of them. I don't text him often; this time, texting him three days in a row, is an exception. Usually I text him just 2-3 times a week, one of which is to confirm whether we're getting together on the weekend. I believe he texts more frequently with his other partner, and actually answers her every time she texts; at least that's been implied. So it's hurtful to me that lately he has stopped answering all of my texts, especially when he promised he always would answer them, and I've taken into account that he might be busy and so have waited a day or two with no responses a few times.

Because I'm me, my knee-jerk reaction is to assume he's pissed off at me about something, or is just tired of being with me, and that's why he isn't answering my texts since Saturday. (He has said he would never stop speaking to me if he's mad; he might take some space to calm down but would let me know he's angry. And I can't think of anything I've done that would have pissed him off. But fear and logic don't always match.) Something else might be going on. Like I said, I don't know, because I have no way of knowing if he won't answer my texts. He could be busy, but I would like to think that even if he's busy, if he got a text saying "Are you okay" he would take a moment to answer.

I'm not going to send him anymore texts at this point. I'm still hoping he'll answer. I think if I haven't heard from him by tomorrow night, I might message his other partner and see if she's heard anything from him. If she says she has, that will hurt because it will mean him not answering me is something about me, but at least I would know he's okay. And if she says she hasn't, at least I would know it isn't something about me.

Meanwhile, Saturday night, since I wasn't seeing Facets, I went to my boyfriend's to hang out with a few people. But his newest partner was there, and the only other people there were a couple. I felt like I was intruding on my metamour's time and space (even though my boyfriend had told her I was coming, and he had said it was okay), I felt like a fifth wheel, and I completely felt like I didn't belong in that house, which sucks because usually his house is one of my safe spaces. I only lasted about 10 minutes before I told him I couldn't handle it and was leaving. Tonight's my night with him, and I'm not sure how I feel about going to his house after feeling so out of place and intrusive there on Saturday.
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