Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #71  
Old 10-16-2017, 01:43 PM
BathedInSalt's Avatar
BathedInSalt BathedInSalt is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: North America
Posts: 235
Default

Self-reliance. Gratitude. Joy.

I've been spending more time alone, or as the only adult around the house. I'm getting used to it a little. It's hardest at night, but I'm still finding things to do with myself. Things I like to do anyways. Read, write, draw, organize my bedroom, complete tasks for my family. I try not to anxiously clean the house, but that happens sometimes too. I try instead to do things that feed my soul. Yesterday I even went for a run. I'm trying to find things to do alone that make me a better person. So far it's working. It keeps my mind from drifting to places I don't want it to go.

When I took my run yesterday I was able to take stock in all the good things that are happening in my life. I live in a perfectly lovely neighborhood, I don't want for any needs, my kids are beautiful, happy, thriving and healthy, Dean continues to be an amazing partner, he's made a good choice in his new partner too, I may have lucked out with this particular metamour, I am loved, so loved and I feel it, I carry it with me. Sir is a good match for me, our dynamic is showing itself and I'm very happy with the direction things are going, He makes me a better person. I read somewhere that partners should add to your life, not just yours, but in a broader sense to extend to the people around you and I really feel like they are.

I still find myself navigating some of the other rocky aspects of transitioning. Even though I'm living poly now, I mean I'm in it, I still feel like I'm transitioning, adjusting from mono to poly. I am able to just sit and enjoy the joy though more every day. I still struggle with jealousy, loneliness, possessiveness (of my partners and my kids), I am becoming more aware of what I was getting out of monogamy and how couples privilege affect my relationships, I'm still figuring out hierarchy and see what I want vs what really works for us all, I'm learning to be more patient, mindful, self-reliant, self-confident, basically all the things I've always tried to grow in myself. Poly has definitely been shining lights on my weak spots and I feel better off for it. What a grand adventure.

I have had happy heart exploding moments.

All this to say, I'm happy in my heart, at the base of it and you all deserve to have that joy shared with you.
__________________
BathedInSalt: 36,f,bi,poly
Dean (D): 32,m,straight,poly,husband
My Three Girls: my kids with Dean
SoulSister (K): 33,f,bi,
Sir: 39,m,poly,boyfriend
BlueEyes: 32,m,mono,intimate friend
Mary:f,bi,poly,ex-partner to Dean
Grace:f,poly,long time partner to Sir


My Blog: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...t=mistake+time
Reply With Quote
  #72  
Old 12-01-2017, 09:49 PM
BathedInSalt's Avatar
BathedInSalt BathedInSalt is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: North America
Posts: 235
Default

Dean and Mary:
Dean dated Mary for a bout 3 weeks, during that time they did sleep together once. Their relationship ended and it was based on actions from all three of us. Her idea of poly was more toward the relationship anarchy model and while both Dean and I understand it, I think I even subscribe to it in theory, it wasn't working with where Dean is in his poly, where are family is, where I am. Dean felt smothered and stressed out about constantly navigating two partners emotions. He wasn't letting us deal with our own emotions, he was removing our autonomy from situations. Having two relationships was exhausting him. Especially since Mary wanted so much time and attention.

Now here's my part. I was having a very very very hard time with their relationship and in unexpected ways. I had a freak out and made a plan to get to know Mary, we took our kids to the museum together and the whole time I felt nauseated. Even she pointed out that I looked uncomfortable when we were texting the next evening. I was very honest about how I was feeling. I actual liked her, she was very nice and respectful. At the time I just chalked up my feeling to being new at this. I do want to give Dean the same space he gives me.
After that I set up an evening where she came over and we were going to hang out, play a game or something. I had had a very bad day pain wise and was so close to cancelling, but rallied towards the end of the day. Then she got here and I basically hid the whole time, made the kid's lunches, laid down with my youngest to help her get to sleep. I was soooooooooo uncomfortable being around them together. I was so angry with myself because I don't want to be uncomfortable. On top of feeling awful I was beating myself up. I did hang put with them for a little while at the beginning and a little while at the end, but it was physical torture.

Now I'm left picking apart my feelings, but I'm doing it in from of Dean. I don't have a choice, we live together, I don't have my own space. If I'm not feeling well, if I'm upset, it's pretty obvious.

I had a sobbing conversation with Dean, mentioned that maybe we'd split up. I should've been more careful with those words, because Dean definitely took them to heart and into consideration when thinking of continuing things with Mary.
I got to a better place after all that, I really picked apart my feelings, made put charts, talked to my therapist. Right when I was going to give things another go Dean made the decision to end it with Mary. He continued to break up with her for the following 3 weeks. That's his story, but man was it hard to watch.
Currently they are friends, they eventually took a break from constant communication and Dean seemed to be less stress out.

He did ask me if it would be weird if she joined him and my kids to a Christmas event Saturday. My ultimate answer was that it was weird and here's why: it's an important holiday event to me and I've missed it the last two years bc I'm working to pay our bills. One issue I had with her is that she wanted instant access to my kids. I don't really know her, this is not ok with me. I suggested that Dean and her hang out sometime without the kids.

I clearly still experienced pangs from the idea that she's still around, but that's my thing to deal with. I did a lot of soul searching and found that I probably just don't like her that much. That I also see similarities between us, a lot of them, but I see the qualities in myself that I don't care for in her. I'm paranoid about being needy and she embraces her neediness, says "she loves like a child". It sure did seem insecure and immature to me. I'm being judgy. I shouldn't.
Anyways, that's where we are with Mary.
__________________
BathedInSalt: 36,f,bi,poly
Dean (D): 32,m,straight,poly,husband
My Three Girls: my kids with Dean
SoulSister (K): 33,f,bi,
Sir: 39,m,poly,boyfriend
BlueEyes: 32,m,mono,intimate friend
Mary:f,bi,poly,ex-partner to Dean
Grace:f,poly,long time partner to Sir


My Blog: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...t=mistake+time
Reply With Quote
  #73  
Old 01-11-2018, 07:32 PM
BathedInSalt's Avatar
BathedInSalt BathedInSalt is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: North America
Posts: 235
Default

One last tidbit about Mary and then that's over: The same day I wrote my last post, or maybe the next day Dean let me know he was going to Snowfest and Mary was going too. I lost it. I felt like, why ask me how I feel about something if it's going to be completely discarded. I didn't handle myself well. I flew off the handle immediately. Dean and I talked then and then again later. I apologized for my immediate reaction, but stood firm by my feelings. He ended up not going with her, the kids didn't even make it either. For the next few weeks I don't think Dean and Mary even talked. Sometime in there I was encouraging Dean to see Mary without the kids around, he said he'd go watch her band. He was going to head out to see her play about 45 minutes away. I had to say something because he was about to use our last 3$ for gas when we had a whole week before payday and kids to get to school. I was so upset that he was going to put being a man of his word to her above what his family needed. I couldn't believe it really. I was like "go, but how are we going to get the kids to school next week? what's your plan?" He didn't have a plan.
I did not want to be the voice of reason there, at all. I think I was mad about that too. I just told Dean to blame it all on me. That's what it was going to look like anyways. Me always spoiling his time with her. It was never a good situation and I think all three of us contributed.
They don't speak now. After the New Year, Dean realized she had blocked him from social media.

Dean hasn't dated since, hasn't shown interest, says he doesn't have time, that he'd rather play tennis. I honestly can't tell if he's poly or mono by the way he talks about it all.

He does seem happy.

I was truly trying to be better, trying to figure out what poly was going to look like for us. I felt I was pinpointing my issues, changing my perspective.
I can only do better next time if/when he decides to date again.
__________________
BathedInSalt: 36,f,bi,poly
Dean (D): 32,m,straight,poly,husband
My Three Girls: my kids with Dean
SoulSister (K): 33,f,bi,
Sir: 39,m,poly,boyfriend
BlueEyes: 32,m,mono,intimate friend
Mary:f,bi,poly,ex-partner to Dean
Grace:f,poly,long time partner to Sir


My Blog: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...t=mistake+time
Reply With Quote
  #74  
Old 02-05-2018, 12:15 PM
BathedInSalt's Avatar
BathedInSalt BathedInSalt is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: North America
Posts: 235
Default

I just re-read my blog. I'm so glad I have it here. I also want to archive it somewhere on my PC.
I want to tie up some loose ends in my tales.


Dean: I just spent a great deal of time talking about him and Mary. I'll update you on him and I soon.

my three girls: the kiddos, this requires a section to itself too

Soul Sister: This will be a longer update, but as it stands we are on the rocks with little to no chance of salvaging any kind of relationship. It breaks my heart when I think about it too long.

Canada:Things here got weird. We would get close and then he would shut off. He had a mental breakdown at some point too. I had ended any kind of romantic notions about him a while ago, but also could see he was struggling and as a friend I didn't abandon him even when I thought I should. Things ended badly recently. He made all kinds of accusations about my marriage and told me he "didn't need my drama". I blocked him from all my things. To me, I think he has mental issues he's just starting to address and has taken out on me from time to time. I am not invested in him enough to be his friend through his recovery. I won't leave myself open to the yo yo of getting close and him being sweet to him pulling away and then being downright ugly. I wish him well.

Sir: Sir is still my Sir and this update calls for a whole separate post. Stay tuned. Things are good.

Tall Guy: I bid adieux to this guy. Very sweet, very confused about where he is in life. I wish him the best. I'm proud of myself for letting that possibility go.
Fireman: We still chat from time to time in a friendly way. I like that things can just be what they are with him. It's cool.

BoardGame and BeachGirl: I text with BoardGame from time to time. We kept making tentative plans. I got real with him a few weeks ago just saying that I did like him, but was figuring out time management and investing in my current relationships. He was very understanding. It made me like him more. I like that I can just pick up where we left off. A no, isn't always a are no, it can be a maybe later. I dig it.
I lost touch with BeachGirl, but want to get back in touch with her. I am currently seeking out poly girl friends. Real people in real life to hang with. Crowds to circulate in. A community. I think she'd be great place to start.

"I've made several new friends : Miami, Saturn, BoardGame, BeachGirl, Portland, MaidM "
Miami has turned into a fantastic friend. We talk poly shop regularly and just in general have gotten to be friends. I'm grateful for him and he is grateful for me too. It's pretty sweet.
For the life of me I can't recall who Portland is.
Saturn is a peripheral friend.
MaidM is Mary, so you all know how that went down.

I'm planning on going to some munches or something, just getting involved with a real group of people that I'm not potentially dating. I'm excited.
__________________
BathedInSalt: 36,f,bi,poly
Dean (D): 32,m,straight,poly,husband
My Three Girls: my kids with Dean
SoulSister (K): 33,f,bi,
Sir: 39,m,poly,boyfriend
BlueEyes: 32,m,mono,intimate friend
Mary:f,bi,poly,ex-partner to Dean
Grace:f,poly,long time partner to Sir


My Blog: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...t=mistake+time
Reply With Quote
  #75  
Old 05-08-2018, 08:55 PM
BathedInSalt's Avatar
BathedInSalt BathedInSalt is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: North America
Posts: 235
Default

I keep feeling like I should update my blog, there's a big chunk missing from my last post 'til now. I also feel guilty for not participating more in the forum, because while I haven't been at this long, it's been long enough and Ive successfully navigated a lot A LOT so I have some thoughts to share.

At the moment I've been dating Sir for almost 9 mths now. Dean and Him are buddies and the kids enjoy Him. We just had a weekend together that was very party-ish (my bday Friday) and also family-ish. We all went to see Dean play tennis Saturday, we all went to a brewery and met up with another family Sunday ,we all ate meals together, we watched Moana together. I don't want to say there weren't difficult moments, but we all learned something from them and it was only our second time with Sir staying in my home with the nuclear family and it went way better than that time. I imagine it will only keep getting better.

That's all for now.

It's been a ride from there to here and we all still have our limbs and heads.
__________________
BathedInSalt: 36,f,bi,poly
Dean (D): 32,m,straight,poly,husband
My Three Girls: my kids with Dean
SoulSister (K): 33,f,bi,
Sir: 39,m,poly,boyfriend
BlueEyes: 32,m,mono,intimate friend
Mary:f,bi,poly,ex-partner to Dean
Grace:f,poly,long time partner to Sir


My Blog: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...t=mistake+time
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bisexual, kids, married, mistakes, newbies

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:10 PM.