doglover0217
New member
Short context:
I'm in a V with Red and Blue. Red is the hinge, and I have been essentially monogamous to him. It has been almost 2 years since my last individual sexual experience, but Red and I often have sexual experiences with a third person or at events.
The story:
Recently Red met someone and we were all out together, but I encouraged them to go back to our apartment to have some alone time. I stayed out with a couple of friends at a bar nearby. I intended to go back after a couple of hours. Time got away from me, I hadn't heard anything from Red about coming home so I assumed they were still busy (but I didn't text to confirm).
I ended up making out with someone while I was out. Our relationship relies a lot of informing a partner of what we're doing and making sure they're comfortable with that. I didn't let Red know what I was doing, and it took me two days to tell him what happened. In other words, I hid that I made out with someone else (that's all we did -- I kind of ran away after it happened). He asked me repeatedly over the next few days if anything happened that he should know about, and I lied and said no until late last night when he said "this is your last chance to tell me if anything else happened).
It sounds like he knew already, but I don't know how he would.
The issue I'm having is that the I have tried to draw a privacy boundary around my private communications. For a large part of our relationship, we've had a very open sort of policy regarding phones. Since everything is connected to Apple ID, all of our messages are connected to several devices. I recently disabled my messages on our shared laptop and my iPad (also mostly shared, but I rarely use it). I didn't tell him I was disabling it, but he interpreted it as me acting shady to try to hide something. My reason was to reinforce the privacy boundary I'm trying to create.
Additionally, I changed my passcode on my phone of the same reason.
We have had three incidences where he has gone through my phone. Twice when he suspected I was doing something shady. Both times he found evidence of me talking to my best friend about issues within my relationship that I was not up front with him about, which he felt was a violation of my commitment to communicate better. The third time he got upset at me and read my messages while I was asleep. He had no suspicions, but was upset about an argument earlier that night.
After the incident where I made out with someone then hid it, he required me to change my passcode back as a sort of collateral of trust. He said that if I give that to him and trust that he won't go through my private communications, then he will trust me in return.
I understand that what I did was not OK and that I should not have hid it from him, but I'm struggling to reconcile the rest.
Does anyone have any insight on to handle issues like this? Is it OK that he has access to my phone code after what I did?
I'm in a V with Red and Blue. Red is the hinge, and I have been essentially monogamous to him. It has been almost 2 years since my last individual sexual experience, but Red and I often have sexual experiences with a third person or at events.
The story:
Recently Red met someone and we were all out together, but I encouraged them to go back to our apartment to have some alone time. I stayed out with a couple of friends at a bar nearby. I intended to go back after a couple of hours. Time got away from me, I hadn't heard anything from Red about coming home so I assumed they were still busy (but I didn't text to confirm).
I ended up making out with someone while I was out. Our relationship relies a lot of informing a partner of what we're doing and making sure they're comfortable with that. I didn't let Red know what I was doing, and it took me two days to tell him what happened. In other words, I hid that I made out with someone else (that's all we did -- I kind of ran away after it happened). He asked me repeatedly over the next few days if anything happened that he should know about, and I lied and said no until late last night when he said "this is your last chance to tell me if anything else happened).
It sounds like he knew already, but I don't know how he would.
The issue I'm having is that the I have tried to draw a privacy boundary around my private communications. For a large part of our relationship, we've had a very open sort of policy regarding phones. Since everything is connected to Apple ID, all of our messages are connected to several devices. I recently disabled my messages on our shared laptop and my iPad (also mostly shared, but I rarely use it). I didn't tell him I was disabling it, but he interpreted it as me acting shady to try to hide something. My reason was to reinforce the privacy boundary I'm trying to create.
Additionally, I changed my passcode on my phone of the same reason.
We have had three incidences where he has gone through my phone. Twice when he suspected I was doing something shady. Both times he found evidence of me talking to my best friend about issues within my relationship that I was not up front with him about, which he felt was a violation of my commitment to communicate better. The third time he got upset at me and read my messages while I was asleep. He had no suspicions, but was upset about an argument earlier that night.
After the incident where I made out with someone then hid it, he required me to change my passcode back as a sort of collateral of trust. He said that if I give that to him and trust that he won't go through my private communications, then he will trust me in return.
I understand that what I did was not OK and that I should not have hid it from him, but I'm struggling to reconcile the rest.
Does anyone have any insight on to handle issues like this? Is it OK that he has access to my phone code after what I did?