Troubles in Primary Land

This

New member
I've been poly-curious for a few years, but finally took the plunge about 5 months ago and intentionally sought non-monogamous relationships. I've been seeing a great guy for about 3 months; he and his partner of 6 years have both been very fair and communicative with me, and she and I have spent some time alone together and occasionally text.

I knew they didn't have a perfect relationship, they opened their relationship about a year ago for not great reasons (trying to spice things up/ fix things etc., etc.) but he opened up last night about how bad it really is. They haven't had any passion for like 2 years and Monday they had a big fight and talked about breaking up (which is a talk they have regularly, I guess.) They are currently in the process of making separate bedrooms in their apartment.

The three of us got together Tuesday night to check in on how everything's going between the three of us and I had no indication things were as bad as they are. They are both very fair and communicative with me about things that directly involve me.

He hasn't asked me for anything, like space or support, just wanted me to know what was going on. He doesn't seem to know what their fate is, which makes sense to me. I'm not entirely sure how to navigate this, which I told him, and we just kind of agreed to go with the flow.

Our relationship is so new and this would be a huge loss in his life and it just seems like there is a lot of room for disasters here...no matter how good we all are at communication. He's also not sure where the line between openness and privacy are...which seems like a conversation he should have with her. He isn't sure if she talks to his meta about it. (She's been with her other partner for a little over a year.)

Do you have any thoughts or advice on a situation like this...or maybe I just wanted to tell someone about the situation? The vast majority of my poly friends are people I've met through them, and I'm not eager to put their private information out there.
 
I don't have a lot of advice, but I am going through something similar. My new boyfriend of 1 month is going through a painful and difficult break-up with a partner he's been with for 3 years. A few thoughts:

1. One thing that was important to me was that, before the actual break-up happened, I tried to stay as neutral as possible. When I couldn't stay neutral, I made it very clear that my opinion was coming from a place of bias -- I loved him and wanted him to be happy and I was not in a place to give an opinion on whether they should stay together or what value their relationship brought to them.

2. After the actual break up, he was very upset. Much more upset than I had anticipated, based on the difficulties and uncertainties they had had leading up to it. This was/is hard for me -- especially being so new to poly. I felt bad that I wasn't "enough."

3. I don't know how "out" you are about your poly relationship, but one thing that also kind of hurts is that their mutual friends are all telling him to get back with her. They know nothing about me or the fact that they were poly and she was asking him to transition to monogamy and so in their eyes the obvious thing for him to do is to win her back. Even if they did know about me, they would disapprove and tell him to dump me and devote himself to her monogamously.

4. I have a lot of worries about how this happening so early in our relationship will affect our trajectory. He worries that he is being too needy and demanding with me because he is lonely. I worry that this will artificially accelerate our relationship and/or, that if I can't give him what he needs he will be unhappy being with me and start seeking other partners while our relationship is still new. It's a really tricky balance. Luckily, we have talked about these concerns and feel safe expressing them.

Good luck! I hope some of this was helpful!
 
Thanks for your reply. Yeah, balance seems to be the big name of the game here. I'm also worried about it speeding up or slowing down our trajectory. We are all fairly out, but I do have an irrational(?) fear of people blaming me for their breakup if it happens. My biggest problem right now seems to be thinking and feeling into the future with limited information.

As for dealing with his sadness, it hasn't been an issue yet (because it's been 12 hours) but I'm kind of just playing a mental game of realizing he's feeling pain of a potential loss akin to a parent having terminal cancer. The pain he feels at losing this other person is separate from his feelings toward me and there is no "enough" I can be to magically make that pain disappear. I think I'd feel differently if it was a newer partner he was lovesick over, though. I'm more comfortable with established primaries.

I'm sorry to hear about the situation with his friends. I was very worried about being kept a secret, but luckily they are out with their friends. Her other partner is also in their friend group. I've discussed with both of them that I would like to be out and their only hard limit is their parents, who live 1-5 hours away, so I've gotten lucky. I can't imagine how painful it must be to be a secret like that. I'm really sorry.
 
I'd be wary of dating a man who opened his relationship when it was troubled, to "spice things up." That never works.

Protect your heart. Successful poly requires open and honest and respectful communication skills. I hear you say they are both open and communicative with you, but if they are fighting and on the verge of breaking up, it's not going to be fun for you.

Maybe you might want to step back for a while til they get their shit sorted out. Being caught in the crossfire is no way to start a relationship.
 
I'm sorry to hear about the situation with his friends. I was very worried about being kept a secret, but luckily they are out with their friends. Her other partner is also in their friend group. I've discussed with both of them that I would like to be out and their only hard limit is their parents, who live 1-5 hours away, so I've gotten lucky. I can't imagine how painful it must be to be a secret like that. I'm really sorry.

Thanks. I should probably clarify that we are all pretty new to this and fairly closeted. I don't think long-term closetedness is what we are aiming for, but it's not like being a secret is something that is being imposed on me. It is what it is.
 
Hi This,

Sorry you are in this predicament. My take is that your guy and his partner have troubles in their relationship with each other, and those troubles are their responsibility to figure out. I would advise against getting involved with those troubles. If he wants to vent to you, you can offer sympathy, but resist the temptation to offer him advice. Also, if their troubles start to affect you and your relationship with him, then you might want to step back for awhile.

Just some thoughts,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

Do you have any thoughts or advice on a situation like this...or maybe I just wanted to tell someone about the situation?

I hope you feel better for airing out some.

I knew they didn't have a perfect relationship, they opened their relationship about a year ago for not great reasons (trying to spice things up/ fix things etc., etc.)

Perhaps you decide that in future, you no longer want to enter networks in this condition. If you see something "not so great" you just say "no, thanks" so it spares you grief.

The three of us got together Tuesday night to check in on how everything's going between the three of us and I had no indication things were as bad as they are. They are both very fair and communicative with me about things that directly involve me.

Them breaking up can affect you. It changes the dynamic of your poly network. They have NOT been honest about that part. You just learned how bad it really is.

he opened up last night about how bad it really is. They haven't had any passion for like 2 years and Monday they had a big fight and talked about breaking up (which is a talk they have regularly, I guess.) They are currently in the process of making separate bedrooms in their apartment.

In the middle of a breaking up thing is the best time to add more partners because...? :confused:

Because dating new people helps them avoid dealing with their problems? :confused:

He's also not sure where the line between openness and privacy are...which seems like a conversation he should have with her.

I get he is hurting but it is not fair to suck you into their mess. :(

To me it would feel like bait and switch. I thought I was getting into a stable network and here it is a big mess.

Our relationship is so new and this would be a huge loss in his life and it just seems like there is a lot of room for disasters here

That is his emotional management to do. He's the one who chose to jump the gun and get involved with you before he was actually a healthy dating partner.

You are not put in this earth to make his life comfy after he makes poor decisions. Could take care of yourself first. Why would you walk into disaster for a guy you have only known 5 months? Love isn't supposed to be "trial by fire."

There are two ways to handle this I can think of.

1) Could tell partner --

"Thank you for making me aware. I appreciate that part.

You guys didn't tell me this was going on when we first started dating. I thought I was getting into a stable poly network, not one that's breaking up. I'm not crazy about that part.

I don't want to be in mess. I would like to postpone dating you until you guys sort that out. Either fix the problems or break up so you are actually to date me CLEAN. Not all messy like this. Look me up when it is sorted."​

Then bow out. It's one thing to be there for a partner after establishing a bond. It's another to be brought in to be the bandaid. That is not your job. I would imagine you want to be appreciated for YOU. Not for bandaid services.

2) Could ask at these group meetings:

" Partner has told me there's problems and there's separate bedrooms now. A break up in the network affects me. I want to know to what degree.
I also want to know if there anything else I'm not being told that could affect me in this network."​

Actually talk about it instead of everyone knowing but pretending the elephant isn't in the room.

If it were me? I'd go with the first choice. Tell partner I'm backing off until he gets his life sorted out.

But that is me. And you are you. You have to decide how you wan to handle this.

Galagirl
 
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