This Unicorn has questions...

Lyric

New member
To start at the beginning: I have considered myself to be lesbian for years, with occasional drunken dalliances with men. In these last few years, however, I have been keeping myself out of relationships with either, due to unfaithfulness issues with my past partners. (They liked to sleep with men, without asking/inviting me.)

Keeping this in mind, I was not looking for anything real, just someone to play with, perhaps. I have been told that this is when 'IT' happens, and wow, did it strike me funny.

C & N are a couple I have found myself entangled with on many an occasion for the past 5 months, and I cannot imagine not having them in my life now. The relationship is more than physical. It is new ground for all three of us. I suppose, for definition purposes, we are somewhere between a V and a triad. The rules are still being laid out, for what is comfortable for all of us. They have just recently gotten married, and are both 8 years my junior. (Yay for me.)

With the love that we have for each other in mind, and the newness of this complex relationship we have going on, I have fears about ruining their relationship, but have been reassured that they are stable enough to work at this with me. I know that communication is the number one thing, and we are constantly working at that. I really, really like this new feeling of completeness that I have with them. So much love. I'd hate to lose them.

I would like some words of advice.
 
- Be honest, no matter what.
- Share your feelings. Generally speaking, we aren't mind readers.
- Be considerate of other people's mistakes and quick to forgive them for unintentional harm.
- Be aware of your own mistakes and be quick to apologize for them.
- Love one another freely.
- Let each person find their way.

In your situation, there is:
- THEIR relationship
- Your relationship with HER
- Your relationship with HIM
- The relationship the THREE of you share

YOU can not control the growth or demise of THEIR relationship. Likewise, neither of them can control the growth or demise of your relationship with the other. But all three of you MUST work together to SUPPORT each other's relationships, and all three of you MUST work together to support and grow within the relationship of the three of you.
 
I agree with LR.

Our triad is still quite new, but has been moving along very, very quickly. We constantly have to pause when there's a hiccup and say, "Oh wait, it's not even two months yet. Of course there'll be issues here and there." So in some regards, I guess we could ask YOU for advice, if your relationship is 5 months old! :p

I am curious what you mean about "somewhere between a V and a triad" I surmise from your post that you and she are closer than you and he, this being the "almost open" end that makes it "kind of" a V? Please correct me if I'm wrong. I'm just wondering what the dynamics are there.

In my reading around here and elsewhere, I see that some relationships, be they Vs or triads or whatever, work on a "primary" and "secondary" model, and others on an "equality" model, with some variations. Figuring out this dynamic seems to be the niggest hangup in most of these situations.

COMMUNICATE, AT ALL COSTS. DO NOT LIE TO EACH OTHER OR YOURSELVES. That's it, that's all. The unsaid is the one thing that kills off well-intentioned poly relationships faster than anything, or mono ones, for that matter. But poly relationships, while stronger in some ways, are far less resilient to poor communication or bottled-up feelings.
 
I can't add anything to what the previous posters have said... I agree with them! Welcome to the forum.
 
Thank you all for those that responded; i know my post isn't near as spicy as some, but honest regardless. My couple are on their honeymoon this week, and I've been getting fidgety waiting for them to come home; insecurities of my own, as they have been communicative with me this whole time. I've been reading through the applicable posts on here, and have found it very educational, and it has helped me to find a new approach for this new relationship I'm finding myself in. I am incredibly happy to have found this site; Cheers!
 
Just a minor nit--if you weren't actively looking to get involved with a couple, you don't make unicorn status. Sorry. Falling in with one without actively seeking it is the typical fashion triads arise and don't involve mythical animals. So you can be a fairy princess or something more interesting than a unicorn!

Beyond that...what they said. Keep talking. If something hurts, poke at it and describe it in great detail, then you all can figure out what to do about it.
 
Be honest-no matter what.

Share your feelings-generally speaking we aren't mind readers.

Be considerate of other people's mistakes and quick to forgive them for unintentional harm.

Be aware of your own mistakes and be quick to apologize for them.

Love freely with one another.

Let each person find their way. In your situation there is THEIR relationship, your relationship with HER, your relationship with HIM and the relationship the THREE of you share. YOU can not control the growth or demise of THEIR relationship. Likewise neither of them can control the growth or demise of your relationship with the other, but all three of you MUST work together to SUPPORT each others relationships and all three of you MUST work together to support and grow within the relationship of the three of you.

Thank you for stating this....I thought I was asking too much! I have always held open honest communication to be the #1 way to make a relationship work...no matter what kind of relationship it is. But, with three people, it is of the UTMOST importance.
These are great guidelines!
 
Don't thank me! All I did was take everyone else's advice from the threads I've been reading and summarize it for ya! ;)

There really is a wealth of information in here and with the people here. Very kind hearted souls with great big hearts. I've never in my life felt so accepted. Even though how I came to a poly relationship is against what nearly the whole population on here finds acceptable (even me) they still opened themselves to me to give kindhearted advice without cruelty or severe criticism and it's greatly appreciated.

I think you will find you make friends hanging out here-I certainly am. :)
 
Thank you for saying that, LovingRadiance. If there is one thing I could use right now, it is friends in this lifestyle. I am so glad I found this place, like others. I consider it a gift from the Universe.
 
Kajira,

Life without friends is hell, not a place to hang out in for long. It does feel good to meet people who can accept us and support our feelings. Life is so hard when we run and run and run, spending all our time with people who live in little square boxes expecting us to fit into their idea of "right" or "perfect." Everyone needs to be able to fit in the hole they are designed for, not the hole someone else designed.
 
SeventhCrow,

So far as 'actively searching' for a couple, I didn't have a post on Craigslist or anything of that nature. With the experiences I have had regarding searching, I have found that it was perhaps safer and definitely less frightening to meet couples naturally, face to face, in a comfortable environment, and then see if the attraction was mutual. I have, however, been found between more than one couple in my past, with the best intentions in mind, just none that have ever engaged me more than physically.

The enlightenment that I have gotten from this site has allowed me to feel more open regarding things I believed to be somewhat taboo, and it's nice to have this as a venue. My thanks to those that have made this possible.
 
Friends

LovingRadiance,

More than anything, I came here to find friends. It is good to know there is understanding here, as well.

I have never really fit into the little boxes that people have prepared for me. I am wild and impulsive. I wish to harm none. A big part of my life has been spent as a Wiccan/Pagan, so harming none (to the best of my knowledge and intentions) has always been foremost.

I feel welcome here, and I don't feel the need for pretenses. I feel like I can be open and tell all, if the situation should merit.

I SO like what you said about fitting in the hole one is designed for, not the hole someone else designed. Well stated.:)
 
More than anything, i came here to find friends. It is good to know there is understanding here, as well.
i have never really fit into the little boxes that people have prepared for me. I am wild and i am impulsive. i wish to harm none. A big part of my life has been spent as a Wiccan/Pagan, so harming none (to the best of my knowledge and intentions) has always been foremost.

I feel welcome here, and i don't feel the need for pretenses. i feel like i can be open and tell all, if the situation should merit. I SO like what you said about fitting in the hole one is designed for... not the hole someone else designed. Well stated.:)

Thank you. I'm in a huge psychological, mental and emotional growth time right now and things like not fitting into a hole that someone else created are just coming to mind so clearly because I'm dealing with them. I've spent so long trying to force myself to fit into a hole someone else created only to find it doesn't matter what I do. I'll never ever ever be square.

I was desperate to find others who were also not square when I found this place. I spent a whole day searching online for someone, something, anything, anyone that might "get" what seemed so natural inside of me, but was completely unfathomable to those around me.

Ironically, when I found it, I also found out that many of the people in my life felt the SAME WAY and we were all struggling against those bonds. It's so relieving to know that my 3 best friends and several other people who are friends all struggle the same struggle.

I look forward to getting to know you better on here, as well.
 
Oh sure, Mono. We all know how close you are with your friends. You can pretend to be that manly cold guy, but we know you are a cuddlebug with some very close loving friends already! :)
 
Mono really is kinda like that, LR. (Psst... I don't buy it entirely, but if he says so...) He really enjoys his own time, and after years of not having connection with himself, I think it's the best thing ever that he spends time on his own. Of course, if he could get off of here and do that, it would be better! Just kidding. He has tons of time to do other things and is mostly on here during work. Great job being on this forum all day!

Well, Ms. Unicorn (fairy princess, whatever), you seem to be doing well, and if you are here, then you will have tons of support! Keep at it. Learn, learn, learn about all of it, and yourself. I know that will be impossible NOT to do, but just saying, as it means that you are on the right track.
 
RP, I get the treasuring time alone thing quite well. But he has at least a few of you people he's close to who are quite accepting of who he is and how he is, not including all of us on this board! :)

I read about you all meeting his close friends, which meant a lot to him. So he does have friends.

Sometimes, when you are a little different, you get so isolated that you can't be honest about yourself with anyone at all. And that is so lonely. Even if you do prefer to generally be alone, it's nice to know you aren't alone because you are a pariah.

Anyway, I don't care if Mono is generally a loner! He's a riot on here. We like ya both!
 
WOW! If only I were a hot single woman!

I just realized that I would make a perfect unicorn if I were a woman! No fair. I want a cool name!!
 
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