Torn between primary and new relationship

MLmoose

New member
My husband and I are new to polyamory. We just started being open to new relationships and established what we want that to look like.

I had approached him with two long term friends that I was interested in exploring our friendship further. He initially was open and ok with both of them and knew I was going to move forward. When the one he was hoping would turn into something romantic (because the guy is long distance) turned out that the friendship is just too perfect as it is to move beyond, he seemed a bit disappointed. On the other side, when the friendship with the other guy started to blossom, he wanted to add a rule that would make this person someone that was "off limits" for anything more than a friendship.

This threw me off and upset me. I had not actively tried to engage in a relationship with this new guy but had just focused on trying to get to know him better and a relationship naturally formed. It is still not fully defined but before anything moved forward, I wanted to check back with my primary per our rules. Naturally, jealousy did form and was something we talked though, but it also has caused another issue.

I am really happy with the experience of this NRE and wish to see where things move from here but my primary has now taken a stance back. He has started putting more restrictions on the relationship than what was originally discussed between us before we started opening up to new relationships. We did sit down and discuss this more and I did all I could to validate and work through his jealousy, but I am still feeling torn. I feel like the rug was ripped out from under me in a way but thankful too that he is open to allowing me to work on this new relationship. This also blind sided my new relationship as we were open about what my husband and I had talked about and was discussed ahead of time. I am thankful and lucky that he is very understanding and knows that we were monogamous before this and still "learning the ropes" per se.

I am looking for advice on how to nurture these relationships and...I guess how to feel better about how this all happened. Both relationships are very important to me and make me extremely happy. I value both of them.
 
Okay, so I'm touch confused, so I'm just going ot get some clarification first. :)

So, with your discussions, what are his new restrictions? What does everything look like currently?

What were his reasons for the change of tune on basically everything?

On the other side, when the friendship with the other guy started to blossom, he wanted to add a rule that would make this person someone that was "off limits" for anything more than a friendship.

Did he have any reason for this? Any explanation?

I did all I could to validate and work through his jealous

His jealousy is HIS to work through-not yours. It is HIS emotions and he controls those. You can support him, but ultimately he needs to do it.

How did you validate it?

I feel like the rug was ripped out from under me in a way

It was, so this is a natural response.

I am looking for advice on how to nurture these relationships and...I guess how to feel better about how this all happened. Both relationships are very important to me and make me extremely happy. I value both of them.

What are you doing to nurture both so far?

What I'd do is just try to talk about what you're feeling, and what they're feeling, with each of them. Tell them how you feel about them, what you value about them. Honesty is the best policy.
I have trouble expressing things so I often try to write them out first.

How to feel better about what happened? Well, some of it is time based. We do need time to process things. Some of it is resolution based, at least for me. Until a resolution is reached I have a lot of trouble feeling better. It eats away at me until some sort of solution or answers have been found.

Also try to figure out what you're best case and worst case scenarios are; and how you'd react to both?

I hope this helps
 
So, with your discussions, what are his new restrictions? What does everything look like currently?
What were his reasons for the change of tune on basically everything?
Did he have any reason for this? Any explanation?
How did you validate it?
What are you doing to nurture both so far?
Also try to figure out what you're best case and worst case scenarios are; and how you'd react to both?

There are a few new ones including...no affection until HE is ok with it (no kissing, hugs, etc.) and restrictions on those that are "off limits" in our relationships. His reasoning for wanting to change the first is that he is jealous and does not want to think about this new relationship turning sexual. He has since said he would be ok with light affection (cuddles, hugs, and kissing) but nothing else right now. I would have no issues with this if it went both ways AND we had established it before opening up to new relationships.

He had also expressed 3 friends at the start that he wanted to be "off limits" for me to have anything more than a platonic friendship with. He has now added his co-workers/past co-workers. With the nature of his job, there are many companies involved and we have started to notice that many people that live around us are connected in some way. His reasoning for this change is the fear of a relationship ending and there being gossip. I can understand, but this is something that I think makes communication between us and our partners is important.

I guess validate is not a good word. I acknowledged his insecurities and jealousy and expressed my understanding and acceptance of how he is feeling. This is with the understanding that it is something that he needs to work through. I am keeping all communication open and keeping him involved as much as I can.

So far I am trying to be honest and keep communication open with both relationships. I am honest with both of them about how I am feeling and my desires in addition to listening to them on how they think and feel on the situation. And with the best case and worst case scenarios of this situation, it is a mix of emotions. In the best case, I am actively excited and happy about the nature of things but on the other side, worst case, I am broken and upset as it would mean that what was discussed was untimely not taken seriously by my husband. This can really cause a break in trust in our marriage.
 
Hi MLmoose,

It sounds like your husband is establishing some new rules based more on his jealousy than on the more practical considerations. Sure there are reasons why one would not want to date a coworker, but why was that rule not established ahead of time? I think it's because your husband didn't know how jealous he'd feel, and maybe he's not able to be 100% honest with himself about that.

Is he willing to work on these jealous feelings? Is there something he's afraid of? you replacing him with another guy, or you spending more time with the other guy instead of with him? something else?

There are links I can post here for dealing with jealousy, if you think that might help. Also I know of a few books he could read. But he has to be committed to that process; it's not much of a help if he's unwilling to read, listen, and examine himself for the roots of this jealousy.

Let me know what I can do to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Is he willing to work on these jealous feelings? Is there something he's afraid of? you replacing him with another guy, or you spending more time with the other guy instead of with him? something else?

There are links I can post here for dealing with jealousy, if you think that might help. Also I know of a few books he could read. But he has to be committed to that process; it's not much of a help if he's unwilling to read, listen, and examine himself for the roots of this jealousy.

He is trying to work on his feelings. He also has fears of me finding someone "better" than him and me leaving him. Also, he is a bit jealous of me being sexual with anyone else because he is not as sexually experienced as my new romance.

Any information that we both can read would be wonderful. I know that even though I am the one with a new relationship, I am going into it with him having another partner already. At this moment I am good but I know that jealousy is something that I might have to deal with myself at some point. Thank you!
 
He had also expressed 3 friends at the start that he wanted to be "off limits" for me to have anything more than a platonic friendship with. He has now added his co-workers/past co-workers.

FWIW? I think you could not pursue the new person and finishing talking things out with spouse.

Ask you husband to list all his "messy people." Like the 3 friends and coworkers. Maybe also any of his relatives. And you list your messy people you do not want him to date. There is enough people in the world without going right for the messy ones that would cause strained or estranged relationships.

You could both agree not to go after each other's messies. I can understand not wanting to make a mess at work.

There are a few new ones including...no affection until HE is ok with it (no kissing, hugs, etc.) and restrictions on those that are "off limits" in our relationships.

The rest? You may have to learn to say "No, thank you. I do not agree to that." And let him own his feelings about that.

You might agree not to make out with the new partner in front of your husband. He doesn't want to be seeing that.

But you not sharing hugs and kisses and whatever with the new partner at all ever til hubby says ok? Your body belongs to YOU, not husband. You can make agreements about safer sex practices, and not doing PDA in front of hubby... but he doesn't get to say when you are ready to kiss, hug, or share sex with the new partner. YOU decide what your body does when ready.

With him being ok with the LDR friend and not the local one -- I would wonder if he's actually ready to do this or not? Maybe it felt easier to deal with in his head with the LDR thing because "what can they really do anyway?"

Have you talked about that?

His reasoning for wanting to change the first is that he is jealous and does not want to think about this new relationship turning sexual. He has since said he would be ok with light affection (cuddles, hugs, and kissing) but nothing else right now. I would have no issues with this if it went both ways AND we had established it before opening up to new relationships.

Why do you want to be in charge of his body and what he does with his partners? I don't think you being in charge of his body makes it fair that he's in charge of yours. It just makes both people having someone else be the boss of their body.

Have you guys done enough detangling?

https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49

Consider also consider doing these work sheets in marker colors. So it's not changing every minute on you and you both have something on paper.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

Green is "good to go", yellow is "not right now, maybe later" and red is "NO. A total deal breaker."

If there's just too many red and yellow, you both may have to accept that he simply is not ready to open the marriage.

If this is not a "joyful yes" to opening the marriage from both sides? Don't go there yet.

If there's enough green to try dating someone else? You can agree to that for now then do the sheets again in X weeks or months and see if anything yellow can change to green. Then you know it IS moving forward and not like foot dragging.

In the best case, I am actively excited and happy about the nature of things but on the other side, worst case, I am broken and upset as it would mean that what was discussed was untimely not taken seriously by my husband. This can really cause a break in trust in our marriage.

Or it was taken seriously and he thought he could, but as it gets closer to "being real" he realize he can't after all. Like WILLING, but not ABLE. Or wanting to be willing and wanting to be able, but not really there yet.

When one has to be both willing AND able to go there.

He is trying to work on his feelings. He also has fears of me finding someone "better" than him and me leaving him. Also, he is a bit jealous of me being sexual with anyone else because he is not as sexually experienced as my new romance.

To me you guys sound like you need more preparation time. Do more reading.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

http://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

https://www.morethantwo.com/

https://www.morethantwo.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/making_relationships_suck.pdf

HTH!

Galagirl
 
My position is say no to "rules". Your feelings on this are valid. A partner can't just change things in the middle. Imagine playing a game where the rules change constantly and the rule changer is one of the players. It would be pointless to play.

Your partner needs to examine why they feel they need such restrictive rules. It's because of insecurity. They also need to think about how those rules affect you; put themselves in your place.
 
Re (from MLmoose):
"Any information that we both can read would be wonderful. I know that even though I am the one with a new relationship, I am going into it with him having another partner already. At this moment I am good but I know that jealousy is something that I might have to deal with myself at some point. Thank you!"

Jealousy links:

Jealousy books:

  • "The Jealousy Workbook: exercises and insights for managing open relationships," by Kathy Labriola.
  • "Polyamory and Jealousy: a More than Two essentials guide," by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux.
  • "Jealousy Survival Guide: how to feel safe, happy, and secure in an open relationship," by Kitty Chambliss.
Re:
"He is trying to work on his feelings. He also has fears of me finding someone 'better' than him and me leaving him. Also, he is a bit jealous of me being sexual with anyone else because he is not as sexually experienced as my new romance."

It sounds like he is afraid that you'll replace him with another ("better") guy. Is this something he believes in his mind, or just something he feels in his heart? What are the chances it would actually happen? How can you reassure him that you won't leave him? How can he reassure himself? What would he do if he lost you, has he considered that? What does he think/fear would be "better" about the other guy? that the other guy would be more sexually experienced? anything else? and perhaps he is also afraid that you'll have more "fun" than he'll have, because of the other guy being more sexually experienced. Is that part of it?

He needs to express and explore his (jealous) thoughts and feelings. The best thing you can do is sit down with him, and encourage him to talk. As for his rules, I guess I would abide by them for the time being, on the condition that he makes progress toward dissolving those rules. Progress toward not feeling so jealous. So afraid. Go through the above books and links together. Do lots and lots of talking about jealousy and its causes.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
It sounds like he is afraid that you'll replace him with another ("better") guy. Is this something he believes in his mind, or just something he feels in his heart? What are the chances it would actually happen? How can you reassure him that you won't leave him? How can he reassure himself? What would he do if he lost you, has he considered that? What does he think/fear would be "better" about the other guy? that the other guy would be more sexually experienced? anything else? and perhaps he is also afraid that you'll have more "fun" than he'll have, because of the other guy being more sexually experienced. Is that part of it?

He needs to express and explore his (jealous) thoughts and feelings. The best thing you can do is sit down with him, and encourage him to talk. As for his rules, I guess I would abide by them for the time being, on the condition that he makes progress toward dissolving those rules. Progress toward not feeling so jealous. So afraid. Go through the above books and links together. Do lots and lots of talking about jealousy and its causes.

The only things that I can answer is that there is no chance of me leaving him. I fought to be with him for 4 years before we got together and we are coming up on 14 years since I first fell in love with him. That mixed with the fact that this is not something I feel we can not work through and no one, man or woman, can replace the way he makes me feel. It is unique. Also, he might also have some insecurities that my new romance and I connect in a way that we never could together when it comes to my fetishes. On the other hand, I enjoy the change of pace with him.

Thank you so much for the help and information!
 
No problem. It sounds like there is no need for him to worry ... That is a good sign. Sometimes the reason we get into poly is for the variety, and there is nothing wrong with that. Keep us updated on your evolving situation if you're willing, and we'll try to give updated thoughts and advice.
 
I recommend you read all those links, and also there's a book many people find helpful called Opening Up. It's good for formerly mono couples. The things you're going through with your husband are basic common issues almost everyone formerly mono goes through.

I also recommend putting dating others on the back burner until you're more informed about poly. No secondary deserves to be a guinea pig in a poly "experiment." That's happened to me often enough... I decided to stop trying to date poly newbies. It really hurts to start to care for someone and then have them pull back because "they can't offer that kind of commitment," (like a date every 2 or 3 weeks!) or that we can have sex but not kiss, or kiss but not have sex, etc.

As you're seeing, the fantasy of an open relationship or poly is one thing. The reality is quite something else. I'm not being judgmental. I went through that with my ex husband when we opened in 1999. It was hell, his NRE, my jealousy and fears, my insecurity, his lack of responsibility to our children and home maintenance because he was all twitterpated and only thinking of his gf.

Keep talking here to vent and air out and organize your thoughts. It really helps to talk to people who know what you're going through!
 
Magdlyn,

I will admit, I had thought about pulling back all together. As much as I care about this new relationship, I can't give him what he ultimately deserves in a relationship as my primary was dealing with their own issues with it. I did mention this to my husband and he got upset that I would even considering ending the flow of the energy I am feeling with this new relationship.

He has started reading over some of the replies to this thread and has opened up so much more about how he is feeling and allowing time for us to talk through things together. A week ago he encouraged me to set up a "hang out" with my new relationship and even took me yesterday to buy a new outfit for it. I showed him which ones I was thinking of and he picked out a dress that I absolutely love and asked that I leave it as a surprise for the day.

Are things perfect? No. Is he still learning to manage jealousy? Yes. Am I now in a position of trying to learn to manage my own jealousy because he started talking to someone a few days ago? Yes.

This is still not perfect but thanks to the comments and links thus far, along with a switch in effective communication, things are starting to get better.
 
I'm glad things are starting to improve, it sounds like you are doing the right things so far. Just do your best and make use of the links provided.
 
... no one, man or woman, can replace the way he makes me feel. It is unique.

I'm sure this is a nice thing to say, certainly if he is reading this thread, but I would want to follow that up with "and any new person I meet will be unique, no one will ever be able to replace them..."

Every relationship is unique to the two people involved, and no pairing will ever be quite the same as that one.

If this is how you value relationships, in their uniqueness, then you should be able to acknowledge this reality with any other potential relationships. You are absolutely going to enjoy some parts of one relationship differently than another, that's just the reality of how human beings interact. Even though monogamy teaches us to be *terrified* of this reality, it is reality nonetheless.

When I finally realized that what other people do with their time, bodies, emotions, or energy is none of my business, it freed me up to actually appreciate what I have. The relationships I have now are beautiful and effortless, and there is a sense of security that I never had when I was depending on fanciful promises and socially reinforced obligation.
 
Marcus,

You are very right. Each relationship brings something special into the picture and is unique in it's own way.





A little update on this situation....No longer a situation...
My husband opened up and our communication and trust has been the best it has been in 9 years. Things are much better with him. On the other hand...The new relationship dissolved due to personal reasons. We are having a cool down and have agreed to stay friends as we were friends for almost 2 years before. I forgot what heartache felt like since I had not felt it in so long. Oh my! Taking this time to be thankful for the change in communication between my husband and I, and for this chance to see that poly is something that we both want in our lives.
 
Hi ML,

Thanks for that update, sorry to hear about the breakup, glad things are better now with your husband. Perhaps you'll make another try at polyamory, and with your improved communication that should go more smoothly.

With many regards,
Kevin T.
 
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