Not Dead Yet!

Lots going on but much of it is not poly related. Let's see.

Some friends of mine are tentatively exploring polyamory and I've been introducing them to the resources, groups, people I know. That's been both fun and startling (I've been doing this long enough I can be someone's resource!).

I have a prospect for a FWB - hoping that works out. Dear goddess, I'm horny. (Spring always does that to me! And it's compounded since the winter was so awful.) We've had the safer sex discussion and I'm waiting to see how his other partners react to my HPV status. So far, it's been fine but it's early still. I don't think this has any potential for anything long term or more romantic but, hey, I'm really missing sex. And he's a good guy. So, why not?

I continue to be grateful for my friends. Several have really come through for me in various ways lately. I'm blessed with good friends.

Therapy continues to be helpful. I am a bit frustrated that I am not making faster progress but I suspect we are still rounding up the 'suspects' for me to work on. But I've had some helpful ideas about food and work come up it continues to be a positive thing for me.

I am in a bit of conundrum with some friends. They are exploring poly in part because of the wife's bisexuality. (That's not the only reason but it's a main driver.) I am very fond of both of them but I am only sexually interested in the husband. I think the world of her but I am just not into women sexually or romantically right now. I'm trying to figure out if I should broach the subject or just let it be for now. They are new to actively being poly - they've been open for a while but as there weren't many outside opportunities, they've been de facto closed for just about all of their marriage. They've never attempted an outside relationship. And I don't think they don't quite get how much of whirlwind poly can be - in both positive and negative ways. If you haven't experienced that it can be difficult to convey to others. So far, I've been leaving well enough alone. So lots of 'I don't know's on that one.
 
Setting up a heart stress test. Probably it's no big deal but I'm worried and scared.

It's okay. Don't worry! A stress test is a test to see whether you should be worried or not. I had a stress echo test today. Really, no big deal. You can do this!
 
Thanks JQS! Intellectually I know this is likely not to be anything serious - emotionally I am having a harder time truly feeling that. But I would rather know if something is awry than be in this uncertainty.
 
Date is set for my stress test. I'm feeling much, much better about the whole situation now. For some reason, having a set time when I will be able to find out what's wrong, if anything, has really reduced my anxiety. I've been driving myself crazy wondering if every little odd twinge or feeling was something serious and heart related. So glad to be doing better with that. Taking action, even if just making an appointment, always makes me feel better. And yet I sometimes still procrastinate. *sigh*

Been on a few dates lately, for whatever reason, OKC has been more productive for me. Sporadically, I get a flurry of interest. I met a lovely, attractive, interesting man at a play party and we went on a date. Unfortunately, I felt no chemistry, no spark and had to tell him that. No choice but I hate that.

Going on a second date with another guy who at first glance seems really mainstream. To quote Seinfeld in another context, 'Not that there's anything wrong with that!' I'm open about being poly in my OKC account so it's not like he's completely unaware. (I took the kink interests out of the profile - the kink bit seemed to attract even more weirdness than the usual amount I get as a female person.) I am just skeptical if I can date 'mainstream' anymore but I'm willing to see how things go at this point. He might be less mainstream than on first appearance - first dates are so weird! And I actually don't need someone to be as non-mainstream as I am - I need someone who can accept and honor who I am. So we'll see. Plus I kinda wanna see what he looks like with no shirt. :D
 
FYI, it was totally worth it seeing him with no shirt. :D

I don't know if we have enough in common to be long term but it's worth pursuing for now.
 
Oh there was sexy time! I didn't realize I was being cryptic. He's really well built. :D

I'm still surprised that muscular men find my overweight self attractive but they do. It's a disservice to them, and to me, that I have this automatic assumption. Something for me to work on.
 
Oh there was sexy time! I didn't realize I was being cryptic. He's really well built. :D

Ahhh, go opal!

I'm still surprised that muscular men find my overweight self attractive but they do. It's a disservice to them, and to me, that I have this automatic assumption. Something for me to work on.

I've almost exclusively dated muscular or tall lean men (and a few fatter ones). There's no rhyme or reason pertaining to their own build. Some men just like voluptuous women! Maybe because we are opposites, hard and soft. Their bones need something to rest on! Another bony hip area clashing against theirs? No, they need cushion for the pushin.' :)
 
Did the stress test recently. No results yet. However my doctor has not rushed to get in touch so I am hopeful nothing showed up.

Have a few play parties coming up that I am looking forward to. I canceled some scenes and going to a few parties because I was in such a bad place with the heart stuff. That is no headspace to do edge play in! But my play partners were really kind about it and I have rescheduled or promised to reschedule with them.

I have another date with new guy. If this continues I may have to think of a nickname for him. I'm trying to enjoy the moment and not get all wrapped up in possibilities.
 
I feel like hell. Having a really bad period. Usually my periods are not a big deal. Usually, I am a bit easier to piss off than normal, maybe a bit crampy.

But not this time. I hate everyone and everything. Everything makes me angry. I hurt all over.

I hope this passes really soon.
 
Oh God, that sounds awful. :(
 
Thanks kdt! Truly there are much worse things in the universe. I'm feeling much better, thank goddess! It was very unpleasant. Stupid hormones. The achy pain I can handle better than the unreasonable anger. Ugh. Wish I knew why this one was so much worse than usual. Otherwise I feel fine. Actually, I feel like I am doing pretty well overall.

I've lost some weight (yay!) and I've been working hard on eating less calories and eating better nutritional food as well as working to keep my blood sugar down. I was diagnosed as diabetic recently. I don't need insulin and I am not 'badly' diabetic. However diabetes has killed several people in my family and I do not want that to happen to me. So I'm working to lose weight and become not diabetic. This is possible, if not easy. But that's my goal. So I've been working away on life changes to how I eat.

I would not have been able to do this without my awesome therapist. I've learned that I could not have addressed my health issues without going into the emotional connections I have around food. It's been absolutely invaluable to talk this stuff out with her.

I'm a bit discouraged with dating. The most recent connection didn't pan out. The sex was fun but we had nothing else in common. Ah well. On the other hand, I finally have some folks who are interesting in tying me up! I do love bondage and finding someone to tie me has been hard.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my sexuality and have come to some interesting conclusions. I will do a writing about those at some point.
 
Sounds like you're feeling better; that's good to hear.
 
So I'm having more sex which is awesome. Missed that! However, that old saw about the more sex one gets, the more sex one wants is true in my case. My high sex drive is back in full force. For me it is really true that the less sex I have, the less I crave it. It goes into 'hibernation' if I am not having sex for a while. And now I am craving sex intensely again. Since I don't have a regular sex partner, this is maddening. Arggh!
 
The universe is a funny place, or at least my perceivable corner of it is.

I had just finished a detailed discussion via chat with a good friend of mine about why I am skeptical about dating couples and was unlikely to do so.

So, of course, I interact with this couple. I realize that I am actually sexually attracted to both of them - and that is very rare. Usually, while I typically really like both people in a couple, I'm generally attracted to one or the other. They are open and possibly poly. I also realized that I would like to try dating them. I don't know if it would work out but I'm willing to give it a shot. So I asked them if they would consider dating me. They are thinking it over, taking their time, which I appreciate. We're supposed to talk soon. In the meantime, it's both exciting and terrifying. What if they say yes? What if they say no? I feel like I would know how to handle a 'no' better at this point. I would at least have some idea of what to do next. So that's a weird feeling.

So, yeah, the universe is a funny place.
 
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