The Ethical Slut.....Got to Get it!

Mahogany

New member
Hello all,

I just purchased The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory. I totally love this book, and it is an easy read too; with just the right amount of dry humor to provide an lol every now and then. :p

I am sure many of you know about this book, but if there is anyone out there that has yet to experience its bliss....don't wait any longer! ;)

The chapter on "jealousy" is the one that is really hitting home for me right now. I am SO happy I found this read.
 
I did not enjoy the writing style at all in Ethical Slut - honestly, after 3 or 4 tries, I have yet to make it through the entire thing.

Glad you enjoyed it, though! I know a lot of people who recommend it. :)
 
There are a lot of people who think of that book as a poly "bible" of sorts. And there are a lot of people who hate it. From what reviews and excerpts I've read, I know I have no desire to read it. I have also really disliked some of the articles and interviews I've come across of Dossie Easton's - I find her views rather irksome. But... to each his/her own!
 
Last edited:
Really? That's interesting. I find it helpful in that it brings light to some of the things I have been working on. But I can see how it is would be cliche. By all means, I know it is not the ONLY literature out there. For me, a recent realized poly, it helps quickly make sense of some of the feelings and ideas I have about my primary relationship and his secondary relationship.

Okay, in my own defense...I am not an English major...lol..... SO I am not up-to-par when it comes to a deep analysis of an author's writing style. I do like their writing, because it is an easy read and I get their humor in all of this.

Maybe ignorance is bliss ;) All in all it floats my boat for now, and may float another inexperienced poly's boat. :)
 
Last edited:
Did you see the youtube series based off The Ethical Slut? Dear God. It was painfully horrible. Basically, oh, my marriage is dull and we're cheating on each other anyway, let's have sex with others, because that's poly. Ugh.
 
It is a good book, I enjoyed it for what it was. Ethical slut wasn't a poly bible but an ethical non-monogamy reference written in a easy to read way. Poly people just tend to pigeon hole any book in the hope of making a bible. Just look at Sex at Dawn. Poly people adopted that book as the be all and end all for poly defining the world as poly, and monogamous people were wrong. Listening to the author interviews and reading the book, you realize quickly the book wasn't living up to what poly people had done to it. They created a mythology around a series of stories (sound familiar... hint: bible)..

Take a look at opening up. Another non-monogamy book written in a reasonable way. Simply trying to expand how people can open up. Its a little more textbook like, so dryer. But still a good glimpse into non-monogamy.

Both books show there are a multitude of workable ways to be non-monogamy. I ended up giving my copies away to some starter friends. I was unlikely to ever read them again because, at the time, this forum was filled with all the information I could want. (I was also part of swinging and bdsm forums to expand on some of my info since the poly forum tends to become limited in its knowledge or perspective)

Take the book (both really) for what it is, a peek into whats possible with consensual non-monogamy. The cheating stuff is used as an example, why?.. read through the forums, you will see lots and lots... and .. LOTS of people who fell into poly through cheating, its like a gateway drug for adults who cant keep their pants on.
 
Last edited:
Did you see the youtube series based off The Ethical Slut? Dear God. It was painfully horrible. Basically, oh, my marriage is dull and we're cheating on each other anyway, let's have sex with others, because that's poly. Ugh.

My wife was a virgin at 25 when we met, I wasn't too far behind that. We are flirting with the idea of an open marriage. More for me...

For those with an open or poly relationship, has that made the marriage stronger?

If the marriage was dull in the bedroom, did another partner teach other technics in the bedroom?

I did order the book along with one on open marriage that was reccomended on the reviews.

I do know that once I have a relationship with another woman, I will never be able to undo that, even though I would be totally open and honest about it.
 
It's funny. The Ethical Slut was the first book I read on polyamory, back in 1999 or 2000. Now, the only thing I can remember from it is a scene where a woman (the author?) goes to a lesbian sex party and is fisted (or watches a woman being fisted?) on a windowsill. Something like that.

I thought, is THAT what poly entails? Random uncomfortable sounding sex with a stranger wearing a latex glove, while being watched by a bunch of other strangers? Um, ew?

I'm sure there was also helpful advice in that book. LOL
 
It's funny. The Ethical Slut was the first book I read on polyamory, back in 1999 or 2000. Now, the only thing I can remember from it is a scene where a woman (the author?) goes to a lesbian sex party and is fisted (or watches a woman being fisted?) on a windowsill. Something like that.

I thought, is THAT what poly entails? Random uncomfortable sounding sex with a stranger wearing a latex glove, while being watched by a bunch of other strangers? Um, ew?

I'm sure there was also helpful advice in that book. LOL

When I read opening up. I kept thinking to myself. Man, why do I know the authors name

Ex-porn star
creator of self help series of fucking videos, especially for anal
Other sex books

So she has been around the media block, and apparently I tend to like her stuff.
 
Kind of following up on what Ariakas was saying, I wonder if it isn't wishful thinking to consider any book a "poly bible." Such a book would have to cover virtually every possible poly idea, issue, and scenario, including many ideas, issues, and scenarios that have yet to make their way into widespread consciousness. Even this forum falls short of making that happen.

You could argue that a poly bible only needs to touch on the most basic/common concepts, but people will disagree on what is or isn't a must for bible inclusion. People will also disagree on what counts as adequate (or too much?) coverage of any given subject, as well as how a subject should be covered and what the book should say. Standard answers don't exist to a lot of weighty questions, unless you count answers over which there's a lot of disagreement.

In this thread so far we've talked about Ethical Slut, Opening Up, and Sex at Dawn. While all three books have merit and are arguably worth reading at least once, none of them can qualify as a poly bible, first of all because none of them are specifically about poly per se. Instead, all three are about non-monogamy in general. Polyamory is only a subset of what those books talk about. So none can claim to be "dedicated to poly," and how can any then claim to be a poly bible? maybe a non-monogamy bible, but that's about it.

Unfortunately, a lot of people (especially the "uninitiated") are sloppy in their usage of the word "poly." They tend to conflate "poly" and "non-monogamy" as if they were pretty much the same thing, or close enough. So it's easy (all too tempting) to look at a book with "open" in the title and think, Oh, a book about poly!

To really get "a book about poly," you'd need to pull up a title like "Polyamory: the new love without limits," by Deborah Anapol. But it's my understanding that Deborah Anapol is held in rather low esteem (as an author and especially as a person) by quite a few people ... a fact that all by itself disqualifies "love without limits" as a "poly bible." The author needs to be very nearly universally respected, otherwise the book lacks the simple credit it needs to function as a bible.

Which alludes to another problem: People simply don't agree on which book deserves the "poly bible" title. Some say Ethical Slut, some say Opening Up, some say Sex at Dawn. There's a lot of disagreement on that subject.

I think most of us (on some level) wish there could be a "poly bible:" one handy volume we could recommend to any poly newbie, and feel confident they'd be sent safely on their way. The truth is, all existing books fall short of covering every base most newbies will need them to cover, and I suspect that will continue to be the case, as new and important things are discovered about polyamory. A poly bible would need to somehow be constantly up-to-date.

I like all three books (Ethical Slut, Opening Up, Sex at Dawn) for different reasons. I guess if I had to call one a poly bible I'd choose Opening Up, because it's rather classy and organizes non-monogamy in a very neat and efficient way. Ethical Slut is a little "slutty" for my blood, :), but I found many bits of text in it that I thought were worthwhile and valuable. Opening Up has an explicit way of being a how-to guide, whereas Ethical Slut just seems to make a bunch of generalized commentary. Sex at Dawn doesn't even pretend to be a how-to guide, it just challenges the standard assumptions about humans and their sexuality. It's much more about prehistory than it is about poly in these modern times. The entire book could (sort of) be summarized with one sentence: "Hey, humans are naturally non-monogamous." It doesn't really go into depth about how to successfully *be* non-monogamous.

If Opening Up has a fatal flaw, it's that it covers so much ground that it can only cover each patch of ground briefly. Oh it may devote a whole chapter to "jealousy" or "your kids," but subjects of that kind of magnitude each need a whole book, really, not just one chapter. It's not that there's anything wrong with Opening Up, it's a good overview of non-monogamy and arguably the best general intro to non-monogamy for any newbie. But after reading it, a newbie is still going to have a lot of questions, and need the support of a "poly group" such as this forum. The same is true of "Ethical Slut" so in that sense the two books don't differ that much. They're just two different styles of introducing people to (responsible) non-monogamy. Maybe Ethical Slut is an easier read for some, which makes it the better book if it's the book that gets read. It does get one started, which is good enough at first.

Another flaw with "covering everything" (which Opening Up kind of tries to do) is that often a newbie only needs help with one or two specific areas, and Opening Up carries on about a lot of stuff that may not be of great personal value to a particular reader at a particular time. So I'll often recommend the book, but not in every situation.

I actually think "the secret to good poly" is ongoing reading, conversing, and self-improvement. Like communication, poly is a subject that one will never truly master. There will always be some "chapter that wasn't covered," or "wasn't covered well enough," or even "wasn't studied closely enough at the time." You kind of have to study the part of poly that's having the biggest impact on your life here and now. That's the type of learning that really sticks.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
Back
Top