Being Fair

PolyPA

New member
I have a partner of almost 6 years and a Gf of a year. Both women have no other partners or bf's. The problem I'm having is not being able to please both women. Im at home 4 to 5 days a week and see my gf 2 some times 3 days a week. My gf always wants more because she hates being alone. and my partner can't really handle me being away more than 2 sometimes 3 days a week.

So questions

1. How often do you all see your secondary be it gf or bf.
2. Have I given my gf too much of myself??
2. How do I make things better.

I need some insight.
 
1. How often do you all see your secondary be it gf or bf.
2. Have I given my gf too much of myself??
3. How do I make things better.

1. It really doesn't matter what other people do. What they should generally do is find a way that they can meet their needs of their partner(s) and themselves or admit that they have in incompatibility that prevents that,and terminate the romantic relationship.

2. Probably not. She does need to acknowledge that a) she started a relationship with someone who also has another, highly entangled relationship to maintain and that means that you have obligations to meet the needs of another person as well as her. and b) that there are ways within ethically non monogamous relationships to get your needs met by more than one person. If she chooses not to do that, or you are stopping her from doing so, you are effectively removing a solution that would give some more certainty to the future of your relationship.

3) Encourage her to see other people and perhaps develop a relationship that is similarly entangled to your other relationship. Consider what you want: do you want to see your girlfriend more than you do at the moment, or does the amount you see her work for you? Do you want to possibly spend more time away from home with her? Your job isn't just to meet everyone else's needs. You need to consider you as well.
 
It honestly sounds like you have a very decent split. Particularly if it is okay that say if there's an extended time you want to spend with the gf (say you guys have a major event like her birthday or your anniversary) you can (ditto in regards to your partner).

Your girlfriend gets lonely. Remind her that you have the obligations to your other partner and this is time she can either spend with friends or have time if she was to get another partner.
 
1. How often do you all see your secondary be it gf or bf.
2. Have I given my gf too much of myself??
2. How do I make things better.

I don't have primary/secondary ranks for my loved ones, but I'll answer the spirit of the question.

1. I spend time with people as time is available and there is interest (from both parties)
2. See answer to question 1
3. Take responsibility for your time and let them take responsibility for their insecurities.​

If how you spend your time currently is how you want to spend your time then you are doing it exactly right. It's good that your partners want to spend time with you, it is also good for them to realize that, in life, we don't always get exactly what we want.

They are grown ups, I assure you they will not die of their crippling loneliness if they only get to spend X nights with you instead of Y. If they are starving for interaction then they need to go get that taken care of.
 
1. How often do you all see your secondary be it gf or bf.

I DON'T do the whole primary secondary thing. I see my bf as often as our schedules allow. If I remember right you have newborns at home. Your wife needs your help at home.

2. Have I given my gf too much of myself??

Your girlfriend needs to either learn to deal with your limited schedule due to having young children. Kids come first over adults. Life changes.

2. How do I make things better.

Be honest and do the right thing for your children.
 
Kids come first over adults. Life changes.

If you have priorities in your life which trump all other priorities then they should be treated accordingly. If "the kids" happens to be the ultimate priority then everyone (this includes the wife, the girlfriend, you, your friends) needs to understand that all needs of this ultimate priority will be met before any others are even considered.

If they don't understand that you have an ultimate override priority then you need to explain it to them explicitly (and hopefully immediately).

Once the needs of this ultimate priority are met, however... adults should be treated as though they can take care of themselves. This means that you are responsible for how you spend your time and they are responsible for how they deal with it.
 
Sorry newborn TWINS come over your girlfriends needs. PERIOD.

She needs to do the right thing and understand .

Your wife is a SAINT to give up her partner 2 to 3 nights a week. She needs your help. I only had one baby ata time and I remember there were days I couldn't even get a shower.
 
Sorry newborn TWINS come over your girlfriends needs. PERIOD.

Well, without putting emotional blackmail behind the assertion, multiple newborns would seem to be an ultimate priority which needs to be addressed, causing all other priorities to be irrelevant.

He and his co-parent should discuss what the time requirements are... meet them... and then the remaining time (if there is any) falls under the jurisdiction of the person who has it.
 
Sorry newborn TWINS come over your girlfriends needs. PERIOD.

She needs to do the right thing and understand .

Your wife is a SAINT to give up her partner 2 to 3 nights a week. She needs your help. I only had one baby ata time and I remember there were days I couldn't even get a shower.

And there are days when no matter what the caregiver of a newborn tries, there is non-stop crying. One day with my first, I was in tears while hub was at work. I tried nursing, burping, diaper changes, anything but no luck.

You have twins and that's double the work. I agree your wife is an awesome lady to give you up that number of nights. Your priority is those babies.
 
What do YOU want? Do you like the time arrangement how it is? Just seeking clarification.

2. How do I make things better.

For who? Kids? Wife? You? GF? All of you?

What is the desired outcome? You do not specify.

GG
 
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Everyone has answered the other questions.

You just forgot the part about why your LT partner cannot handle being alone: twins that are how many months old? You said in July that your girlfriend was upset about the amount of time you were at home to help with feeding them. Seriously? That sounds like someone who has no idea what it takes to be a parent or understands how much responsibility comes along with it. Parenting is not a job you can turn off like a switch. Your girlfriend is a grown woman, and if her brain cannot process the fact that you are a parent and those newborn babies come before her, perhaps she would be better off with someone else. I realise you love her, but she needs to accept that she cannot be the centre of your universe or have all of your available time.

These are the same problems you had two months ago and nothing has changed.Since your last post, has she made any attempt to help with the babies or come to your home for overnight visits, if there is space? Has she tried to integrate herself in to your new chapter of life? Does your partner have a problem with her helping, or does she just have no interest?
 
These are the same problems you had two months ago and nothing has changed.Since your last post, has she made any attempt to help with the babies or come to your home for overnight visits, if there is space? Has she tried to integrate herself in to your new chapter of life? Does your partner have a problem with her helping, or does she just have no interest?

I finally went to the OP profile and looked at the previous posts. So this is the same fellow who was STILL visiting his girlfriend several nights a week when his wife was IN THE HOSPITAL with the NEWBORN TWINS... correct?

As I see it, these are the options:

1. Tell the GF to learn to be extremely grateful for the time she gets with you
2. Tell the wife "I'm not into this 'kid thing' so lets separate, here's all of my money for the next 18 years"​

Good luck!!
 
My SO's children are 11 and 13 - and they come before me always. That is exactly as it should be. Depending on scheduling, sometimes we see each other a couple of times a week, and sometimes we don't see one another for a couple of weeks.

That's the issue with polyamory - not how much love we have to share, but how much time we have to share. The fact of it is, as a new dad, you don't have much. (Does your wife get a couple of days a week off too? Just curious.)

The only way I can see to deal with the time issue is to combine time spent with gf and your wife - of course they both need to be willing.
 
I have multiple advanced degrees and accomplishments in life that leave people routinely asking, "How do you do it?" I also have twins. Let me be very clear: EVERYTHING THEY THINK IS IMPRESSIVE IS NOTHING COMPARED TO HOW HARD NEWBORN TWINS WERE.

Absolutely nothing in my life has compared to how hard it is to be home with two infants. And that's even with my church providing our dinners for two solid months. You get barely any sleep. You spend every waking moment changing diapers, feeding, and cleaning spit-up off your clothes and furniture. You might spend hours each day walking up and down with fussy babies when you're exhausted yourself and haven't had a decent meal in two days because there's no time to make one, let alone sit down and eat it. Sometimes, it's impossible to care for both at the same time, and you listen to one baby cry while you're practically in tears yourself trying to settle the other one. Your house is often a mess. You might not have clean clothes because you don't have time to get to the laundry. I could go on and on.

If my husband had left me 2-3 nights per week to be with a girlfriend when they were brand new, he'd be singing soprano. Not that it would matter, because I'd be through with him. (Actually--come to think of it, he spent a great deal of that time having coffee with a female friend while I was home alone dealing with two babies, and I AM through with him. We're now divorced.)

As a secondary myself, I'm normally perhaps a little bit touchy about remembering these outside relationships are human beings, too, and not disposable, but darn, she needs to grow up and realize you've got TWO new babies at home and a wife who needs help.

YOU need to realize that you brought two brand new human beings into this world, and you DO have obligations to them and to their mother/your wife.

Honestly, maybe now is not the time to have a girlfriend at all, unless she values you enough to value your children, too, and help out instead of pulling you away from them.
 
I looked after 10 day old twins at work for 45 minutes whilst their mum went for a scan. Totally overwhelming. I just had to do a normal change and feed for both of them but it's totally different when two babies are crying at you.
 
I do not believe one partners needs should come above others. But in this case I believe the girlfriend needs to take a step back and understand that her wants and needs in regards to her relationship with the OP has to change for quite a while. If she can't then he needs to do the right now.
 
As I said on your other thread, I was a nanny to twins from 3 months til 2 1/2 yrs and it's a crazy amount of work. I do not understand why you can't come to grips with this reality and make your gf understand it too.

Why don't you have her come over and watch the babies while you take your wife out to lunch? Then she might get it. I say lunch not dinner, because if your gf had to watch the kids at the witching hour, she might not be alive when you 2 got back....
 
Timeline

So...if I'm understanding this correctly...you started dating a new woman, a relationship that's lasted a year....all while you had JUST had kids...and twins, at that....

It sounds like you started dating this new woman at the same time you and your wife were trying for a baby.

My question is, why did you even start a new relationship when you knew you were going to have newborns? Or did you start this relationship with this woman, while planning kids, and then suddenly spring this on her just as she started thinking you wanted a secondary relationship? Certainly, she doesn't seem to understand what it means to date a partner with newborns.

I don't know what you and your wife talked about amongst each other, but you don't seem to be doing poly very well....now you have a girlfriend who feels completely neglected (she sounds like she might be mono, actually) and a wife and kids YOU'RE neglecting.

Sorry, but poly just may not be right for you. It'll hurt the girlfriend to be cut out now, but it'll only hurt more later down the line.....
 
Sorry, but poly just may not be right for you. It'll hurt the girlfriend to be cut out now, but it'll only hurt more later down the line.....

I don't think this is a poly specific issue. This would be the same discussion of the guy was a paintball enthusiast and went out several nights a week to his local field for a game. Then every month or so he wants to go out of town for a weekend game, etc. His friends giving him a hard time, complaining that he needs to find more time to come out to the field... any scenario requiring free-time would be affected the same way.

Kids are free-time killers. Maybe he just didn't realize that when he agreed with his wife that they should have them.

Vasectomy = Winning
 
There is a huge difference between children and a hobby. Children do not ask to come into the world. The Op and his wife decided to have these little humans.
 
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