Am I poly?

ghanlon03

New member
So I've been in and out of so many relationships, it's not even funny. The last few have ended because I cheated. Bad, I know. Now, I wasn't upset or unhappy in any of these relationships. On the contrary, I was very happy. But my sex drive needed more than they were giving or just something different every now and then. I've started considering the possibility of being with more than one woman at a time, or even a couple-lesbian or straight. But am I just a horny guy that is insatiable or am I poly still searching for more than a vanilla, mono relationship?
 
Hmm, not necessarily. It sounds like you are more after recreational sex than multiple loving relationships. You might find more of what you are looking for in the swinging scene.
 
Well, I've looked into the swinging scene, but none of my past partners have been willing to swing with me and almost no one is looking for a "single male." They want both partners there or no dice. And I do think you're right, that I'm probably looking more for a 24/7 sex partner to share with a girlfriend or whatever. Not so much another girlfriend.
 
I think that the best you could do is be totally honest with possible partners in your communication. That way there are no expectations and no assumptions. Further more, if they are finding that they want more, I suggest that you find a way to be okay with them finding other loves and sex partners as they see fit. What ever the arrangement, make sure you are honest with yourself and any one involved and stop the cheating.
 
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So I've been in and out of so many relationships, it's not even funny. The last few have ended because I cheated. Bad, I know. Now, I wasn't upset or unhappy in any of these relationships. On the contrary, I was very happy. But my sex drive needed more than they were giving or just something different every now and then. I've started considering the possibility of being with more than one woman at a time, or even a couple-lesbian or straight. But am I just a horny guy that is insatiable or am I poly still searching for more than a vanilla, mono relationship?

High sexual drive is never an excuse for cheating. No offence.. unless you have 0 self control... I can be insatiable.. I don't cheat. Its a personal choice, not a sexual one.

Sex by itself isn't poly.. if you are looking to just get laid, find a girl who will accept an open relationship and enjoy yourself. Poly is about the love (with a side dish of fucking)..
 
I agree with you and I was not right for cheating. But it seems I can't even find a partner that is truely ok with an open relationship even. It scares me to think that I may just have to be single for a long time just to continue with who I've become, as committing seems to have the price of changing to please my partner. Perhaps I'll find "the one" someday, but I doubt it at this point.
 
My take

You need to decide what it is you're looking for. You may need a primary girlfriend that is understanding of your need for recreational sex. There are women out there are going through the same thing you are. You might find a relationship with the right primary person will really make a big difference in your life. Sounds like you are looking for a girlfriend that wants an open relationship.
 
Maybe you need to look in different places. Go to a poly group, create a poly group, try different things... It sounds like you have decided that you won't find what you are looking for. Maybe letting that go and just loving what you do have; adding some new and different experiences to that and breaking out of the same old rut will create what you seek.
 
...my sex drive needed more than they were giving or just something different every now and then. I've started considering the possibility of being with more than one woman at a time, or even a couple-lesbian or straight.

Well, no lesbian couple is going to want you, because lesbians don't like men. :p What you are looking for is a unicorn, a hot bi babe who will be willing to have sex with you and your gf together... or just a woman who wants casual sex with you alone. And a gf who will be OK with you having casual sex "on the side." Correct?

But am I just a horny guy that is insatiable or am I poly still searching for more than a vanilla, mono relationship?

You're not really poly if you just want one real gf and one other woman who is OK with dropping everything to have sex with you "24/7." Being poly means you care for, even love, all your partners. If they need you when their cat dies, you're there for them.

Well, I've looked into the swinging scene, but none of my past partners have been willing to swing with me and almost no one is looking for a "single male." They want both partners there or no dice. And I do think you're right, that I'm probably looking more for a 24/7 sex partner to share with a girlfriend or whatever. Not so much another girlfriend.

There are swinger websites out there, where you can hook up with single swinging women. You don't need to go to swinger's parties with a female already at your side. Altho you might meet a swinger on the website who would be happy to go to those parties with you.

But it seems I can't even find a partner that is truly OK with an open relationship, even. It scares me to think that I may just have to be single for a long time just to continue with who I've become, as committing seems to have the price of changing to please my partner. Perhaps I'll find "the one" someday, but I doubt it at this point.

You live in a conservative state. Perhaps you need to move to a more liberal one, where there are open-minded single women who might fit your needs, as a gf willing to be open, or another woman who wants casual sex with you and is OK with you already having a real gf.
 
thank you for this post. It was eye opening for me :D I am sort of in the same boat you are only I am married to the man of my dreams but, want more out of our sex life. He doesn't satisfy me the way I would like for him to. Somewhat emotional but mostly physical. I am always searching and wanting another man in my life for playtime as does my husband.

Anyway - Thanks!!
 
You might be poly--the distinction between "poly" and "swinger" isn't black and white. It's more of a sliding scale or a spectrum.

For example, some poly people do start out as swingers, but eventually realize they want more of an emotional connection to their play partners, so they move more toward polyamory and seek to develop loving relationships with their partners.

You could identify as "non-monogamous" until you figure out exactly what you want. The key, I think, is to be totally honest with women you meet.

It does sound like you are looking for one primary girlfriend who would be happy to have some type of open relationship with you. Don't give up! Such women exist (and are unhappy with men who don't want an open relationship!)

I would also recommend that you think about what you are looking for in a primary girlfriend. Do you want a woman who is bi, and you and she will be seeking other women together? How would you feel if your girlfriend wants to date other men besides you? (If you have a problem with that--why, exactly?)

These are useful questions to ask yourself. You have to know what you're looking for in order to find it, I think.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to feel that your sex drive is so high that you need multiple partners. I think there are a number of dimensions to understand about one's sexuality. A lot people think that your "sexuality" is just where you fit on the gay-bi-straight spectrum, but there are a lot of other dimensions: how often you want to have sex (whether alone or with others), how much variety you need in terms of one or multiple partners, how frequently or strongly you experience attraction to other people, how kinky or vanilla you are in terms of what sex acts you want to do...oh, and also, how much emotional intimacy you need or don't need from your sex partner(s).

Anyway, all that stuff is what every person needs to understand about themselves.

You should seek out communities (whether swinger, or poly, or both) where you can learn more about these issues and become comfortable with being who you are.
 
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