We are not all Unicorn Hunters!

Malfunktions

New member
Hey all,
Not normally a venter but I HAVE been jaded.

And no, before I start, this did not happen on this site. Everyone that I've met here has been the very bestest!

5 TIMES. that's the number of times I have been labeled a Unicorn Hunter.

My LTR and I have decided to add a third. I am bi. He is straight. So far yes, it's adding up to possible Unicorn Hunter alert status. But here's the kicker. We have no bridge to gap, perfectly content with each other. Lack nothing. Want for nothing. He wants to welcome another woman, I want to welcome another companion. No one knows a girl like a girl! Plainly put.
He's 33 and a VERY active sexual beast, LOL, and I'm a 27 year old with a submissive personality. Another woman will be able to satiate his prowess as I won't feel like a literally rubbing post HA HA HA HA HA.

The only way to approach this situation is with humour because there is nothing wrong here. But when we post that we're looking to date, to add, etc, we are met with criticism.

Reasons this irritates me:
1) We're looking for an equal companion
2) We have no idea what we're looking for so there's no list of best qualities or things we'd like to see.
3) We don't "shark" the bar scene.
4) We're NOT the Bonnie and Clyde of Polyamory. We're not looking to find the optimum and then corrupt and defile.

So that's pretty much it... Apologies if my thought process is all over the place and difficult to follow cause I refuse to proof read rants. Because when you proof read rants they become a methodical complaint. ;)

Anyone feeling me? Sound off below!!!!
 
To be fair a Unicorn Hunter is a couple looking for a bi-female to be a partner to them both.
It doesn't have anything to do with your four reasons. Therefore your whole rant boils down to 'We are not Unicorn Hunters, except we are, but I don't like being called it'
 
My apologies for the misunderstanding. Any research on the subject I found was directed around the requirements of an intense criteria that they were looking for as such.

Again, I apologize for the rant.
 
it is what it is

There is definitely a negative connotation to the term "unicorn hunter", but I believe it stems from people's experiences with M/F couples looking for a bi woman to form a triad. These explicit expectations have shown to be unrealistic in practice; numerous issues have been laid out in other posts (what if she bonds more quickly to one of you, what if no romantic bond happens with one of you, etc, etc). I am not saying that an equilateral triad with two women and one man is not possible; I certainly believe all relationship models are possible. However, the sheer number of M/F couples seeking this idealistic model greatly outweigh the number of successful triads I have seen.

Have you tried dating separately?

NIJ
 
However, the sheer number of M/F couples seeking this idealistic model greatly outweigh the number of successful triads I have seen.
Or more pointedly, they outweigh the number of actual single poly bi females seeking a MF couple. Which is why they are called "Unicorns", as in, something rare, and hard to find.

Perhaps a more polite way would be to say "Unicorn Seekers" instead of "Hunters". (Unless they are doing it overly aggressively, in which case "hunters" might be appropriate in those cases.)

:confused:
 
Thanks :) very informative and helpful.
 
Good article NovemberRain, I bookmarked it.

I'm always reluctant to say "unicorn hunter/s" because it's a pejorative, but let's say, in very simple terms, that there are "good unicorn hunters," "well-meaning unicorn hunters," and "bad unicorn hunters."

Bad unicorn hunters are people who woo a third person (a "unicorn") for them with rosy promises, then objectify that person, make that person secondary to the "primary couple," and insist on all kinds of things such as exclusivity from the unicorn person and all kinds of "little rules" (possibly chores too) which the primary couple chooses, the secondary person gets no say in, and the secondary person must do/obey. Bad unicorn hunters boldly set things up to be good for them (the primary couple), and bad for the unicorn (the secondary third), who must be a bi woman perfectly equally in love with both primary partners, and who must be celebate whenever the primary partners say so (while the primary partners continue to be intimate with each other).

Well-meaning unicorn hunters honestly try to treat their "unicorn person" as an equal, but they find that equality is impossible, especially if the whole poly arrangement is kept in the closet, and the "unicorn" ends up feeling like a dirty little secret. They may find they are having jealousy issues because the "unicorn" is "more in love" with one than the other, or because the unicorn "came already attached" to another spouse/relationship/s (or wants to pusue other relationships).

Good unicorn hunters are, first and foremost, flexible. They realize their "unicorn" might have completely unpredictable wants, needs, or attachments. They are willing to evolve with a relationship that may turn into something rather different than the originally-envisioned triad. Perhaps they will end up with a V, or a quad. Perhaps the unicorn's kids will be moving in. Good unicorn hunters will prepare themselves to take such unpredictable twists into stride, and love the unicorn for who they are, not for whoever they might have envisioned originally.

Of course there are "bad unicorns" too, such as people who turn out to be cowgirls, narcissistic, or psycho. When you look for "your unicorn," try to find someone who will be good to you, and you be good to them too -- the unique, individual, quirky souls that they are.

I have a very good impression of you as a person and feel bad that you have had to wear the "unicorn hunter" label. Maybe the answer is to "take the word back" by showing that you can make it a good thing? Do lots of reading, studying, asking questions, and doing the best you can.

Remember that just being polyamorous at all is considered a *bad* thing by the mainstream of society out there -- and unfortunately there are "bad polyamorists" to help buoy up that discrimination. You don't want to give up poly just because some people think it's sick or evil. Don't give up the "unicorn hunt" either. Just do your best to do it right.

I am right here on your side, and am pulling for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm glad you both liked the article! I saw the other thread after I posted in this one, I was sort of surprised no one had linked it already.

The mere fact that you're open and seeking info, and that you liked the article, Malfunktions, tells me you're a pretty good egg.
 
Thank you ktd and NovemberRain. I did very much appreciate the site as I even read it to C! :D
We understand the bad and good hunter possibilities and also the potential Vee vs. Triad conundrum but whatever happens we are not going to push anyone into what we want. We're gonna go with the flow. But as I posted in the blog section C has somewhat stalled the search for fears that this choice was brought on by his leaving me wanting. Totally not the case but it's hard to convince someone that, I guess...

Again thanks soo much! I would love to read more!
 
My wife and I were mono and not hunting for anything when our "unicorn" jumped into bed with us. I hope to avoid this label as well.
 
Hey again Malfunktions,

Have I mentioned Franklin Veaux and Opening Up yet? In case I haven't, here are the links:

"Opening Up" (the book by Tristan Taormino)
Franklin Veaux's poly pages

Good reading material there, for sure.

I can tell that your intentions are good, and it's clear that your wits are about you. Carry on, and don't let it get to you too much when people use that nasty little label on you.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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