Getting the cake with a little less icing

MonoVCPHG

New member
I'm using myself as an example to take on this thread:

Recently the issue of compromising on boundaries has come up for Redpepper and me. One of the ways I offered to create more freedom in her level of intimacy with Leo was for me to pull away from some group activities that we share as families. Admittedly, part of this is because I cannot effectively deal with the reality of how intimate they were and would like to continue being. Fair enough, like an Ostrich I burrow my head into the sand. I also know this would likely result in me being less active in a broader spectrum of poly environments/activities once again to avoid reminders or triggers which might make my issues around this topic flare. I think I would become more live in boyfriend with a separate/more introverted social life.

Essentially I would be stepping myself back into a more "secondary" role in order to deal with more openness for Redpepper. She would get something and I would get something. Compromise?

I have read of other posters on here who also want to be viewed as more secondary to cope with their partners other relationships. They too encounter resitance in the face of being asked to accept new relationships.

Yes, the dynamic of the relationship changes but it also changes with the addition of new partners. Is it "fair" to expect no change in current partner dynamics in light of the desire to change the dynamic by adding new ones?
Is it fair to ask existing partners to "not" change when they are themselves being asked to accept change?

If both people are getting some of what they want while still maintaining relationships that they both get something from...is that not feasible? Is that not what compromise is about?

I'd like to try to stay somewhat on target with this because I know there will be a tendency to ask "why don't you work on getting over this issue as opposed to avoiding it through stepping back". Been there…will be there again I am sure :eek:

Peace and Love
Mono
 
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Mono, what you're proposing sounds very reasonable to me. You are protecting your heart in the best way you know how, while still staying as connected as you know you can be in such a situation. If RP and Leo do move forward in their relationship, and you step back for them to do that, it doesn't mean you cannot become more engaged with the tribe at a later date. You might just need an adjustment period. People and relationships are fluid and you can ask to create what you want. The way you put it, about there being change happening on both sides of the equation, makes perfect sense to me.

I could be wrong but I thought Leo's wife didn't want them to move forward either? It seems there are challenges in this, from more than just you, but ultimately RP and Leo need to be clear about what they want. Want, not what they would consider fair. Then you have to look at what you want, and if they want to be together and stepping back is what you want, I don't see a problem.
 
In all honesty stepping back is not what I want...but what I would need to do and none of us can predict what that would lead to. But at least it is something on the table to work with if they want to continue as they are. I'm trying LOL :eek:
 
Stepping back can sometimes be the only way to re-group ourselves in order to deal with the situation at hand. However, it all comes down to how far is too far or how far is far enough? When we offer up compromises we have to remember not to shut ourselves off to counter offers.

Sometimes I offer up a compromise and it gets accepted as "this is what I need/want", end of story, but now I'm misserable. What I really NEEDED, was more options, because my solution was too drastic. At the time, my head could not comprehend any other solution and the second party (my husband) was feeling too guilty to argue and accepted what I said I wanted.

I understand stepping back from activites they share as families, with the goal and understanding that this is only temporary. Some re-building might have to be done and new goals set. This doesn't necessarily mean that the entire dynamic of the relationship or how you interact within the immediate family needs to drastically change.

I think this is where I am, I'm in the process of rebuilding my relationship with my husband. While some may say that he really didn't have an affair, and other would say he did, the truth is trust was violated, boundries crossed and my families saftey was compromised. We both had decissions to make, we both had to decided how or if to move forward. In this process, I have learned a lot, but while this knocked us back for a while we are moving forward.

At first, I backed away from everything and everyone, it was very necessary, for a short while. Now I am carefully looking at what really needs to be added back and what was I doing simply out of obligation? I had to ask myself did I enjoy it or the people involved or was it causing more stress than it was worth? How was this stress effecting my relationship with my husband and children?
 
Is it "fair" to expect no change in current partner dynamics in light of the desire to change the dynamic by adding new ones?

Is it fair to ask existing partners to "not" change when they are themselves being asked to accept change?

If both people are getting some of what they want while still maintaining relationships that they both get something from...is that not feasible?

Is that not what compromise is about?

I do not think it is fair to expect that current partner dynamics would have no change when adding new partners (which inevitably will bring change).
The fact is that life is ever-changing. Expecting ANY dynamic not to change in some manner during the course of life-is just asking to have life smack you in the face. It's expecting to be able to live with a "false front"...

The same holds true for the second question. No it's not fair to ask for someone to uphold the impossible test of maintaining the facade of a false front just because it makes one feel more secure.
It's impossible to guarantee no change in a world that is ever-changing. To ask someone else to give that guarantee is asking them to lie to you.

If both partners agree that the compromise is suitable, then it is certainly feasible.

That is my understanding of what compromise is about...

;)

WOW-I feel so smart! I got through the questions without thinking "WELL SHIT.."

:)
 
This doesn't necessarily mean that the entire dynamic of the relationship or how you interact within the immediate family needs to drastically change.

That was never a part of the compromise. I love and enjoy our extended family. I would continue to be the public face of poly for family and be just as active in that area I think. I didn't take the heat (and still take the heat) to achieve acceptance to walk away from that. I am the only partner most of the family knows about. To me that fight was worth it.
 
You're not just smart...your pretty ;)
Um hellllllo?! I haven't read this thread yet, but seriously Mono.... I have to sit at one end of the couch sitting on my hands and you get to say this???? What the....? :p:D

(this is a joke, we are at least at the joking stage. Please note, a joke, I am not angry, I'm joking... :eek:)

Love you LR, :) you are a pretty lady! *flirt* (I'm allowed to flirt with the ladies :D:cool:)
 
RP-
you feel free to flirt with me. ;)

I need all the flirting I can get.

Thank you both for the vote in prettiness.

You guys are a couple of cuties too. XO
 
That was never a part of the compromise. I love and enjoy our extended family. I would continue to be the public face of poly for family and be just as active in that area I think. I didn't take the heat (and still take the heat) to achieve acceptance to walk away from that. I am the only partner most of the family knows about. To me that fight was worth it.

I guess I just missunderstood your reference to "secondary" and "live-in-boyfriend". My bad
 
Let's be bottom line honest here. Of COURSE dynamics are going to change when adding another person or the amount of time with another person. HELLO! There are only 24 hours a day. I'm admittedly currently a bit bitter because my guy all of a sudden decided he didn't have time to commit to me on a regular basis. This was after I moved PARTIALLY to work further on a relationship with him (in addition to wanting to live in a warmer climate.) He was the one who introduced me to the idea of poly.....talking about seeing "love" as "abundant" and not "scarce". etc, etc. I was the one who raised the issue of how does one fit everyone in with how busy life can get working, raising kids, etc? He assured me it could be done.

When it came right down to it he became overwhelmed with job and family responsibilities. (He had another partner before we met and they are raising her 9 year old child, too) Adding another person into his life on a regular basis all of a sudden was too much for him. His partner and I got along well...became very fond of one another. I participated in activities with them as a family and with their friends, so it's not like I was demanding or asking for exclusive time with him only.

There are no guarantees in life in any type of relationship....poly or mono. But, I would like people to really stop and think it through about the day to day impact on everyone involved when adding other partner(s) in to their life/lives. Please! My guy said he still loved me and wanted to see me.....IF and WHEN he had the time. I was asking for a once a week commitment to seeing me....even if it involved being with the family at the same time. I made the choice to not compromise with seeing him IF and WHEN....even though that's what he wanted. He didn't want me to end our relationship. I never wanted a secondary position and had always been clear about that. It saddens and angers me to think that in the end he had such little commitment to our relationship when the going got tough. :(:mad:
 
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dragonfly-I'm so sorry that you're going through that. I can only imagine how painful that must be.

I think it's so good for things like this to be brought up, so people can see what they need to consider as they move along in their lives.

This would be a good notation for the "primary/secondary" thread.
 
I guess I just missunderstood your reference to "secondary" and "live-in-boyfriend". My bad

The stepping back would be part internally how I see our relationship and externally how I relate to our community. No bad :)
 
Geez, I dont know, Mono. Didnt you 2 negotiate any of this in the earlier part of your relationship? Did RP know from the start she was limited to 3 partners only? She has said her sex w PN is infrequent and lukewarm these days. She doesnt see Derby all that often. So, her sex life is basically limited to you. Thats practically being mono, for a social, outgoing, highly sexed woman that she is.

You know she *wants* to fuck Leo. And vice versa. Them wanting each other, but not actually kissing or fucking, that's OK with you, but actually acting on the strong feelings they have makes your weenie wilt? Who needs to stretch here (learn to inure themselves against those images you find so vile)? Who needs to constrict themselves and change their entire personality and go against their philosophy and feminism?

RP talks a good game, but I have a feeling this attempt at poly-fi could cause her harm.

Tough situation.
 
You know she *wants* to fuck Leo. And vice versa. Them wanting each other, but not actually kissing or fucking, that's OK with you, but actually acting on the strong feelings they have makes your weenie wilt? Who needs to stretch here (learn to inure themselves against those images you find so vile)? Who needs to constrict themselves and change their entire personality and go against their philosophy and feminism? .

When you ask questions that aren't intended to insult/get a reaction or reflect a high degree of bitch I'll answer.
 
No worries. I didnt want an immediate response. I'm from New York. I get tired of the euphemisms. That's the bottom line as I see it. Question stands.
 
Aside from the extremely direct way Magdlyn posed the questions... I feel the questions are valid...

and not just to yourself Mono... these questions pertain to my situation and to many on this forum... obviously you cannot answer for all mono partners, but your response to those questions, would be helpful to many of us on here. You are so very good at explaining your viewpoint in ways we can hear and understand.

In many ways your situation seems to be one of 'going at the slowest pace' - except that the slowest pace was negotiated to be no new members after you, or the loss of you (in that way?)? I think (from what I remember from previous posts)... it sounds like a period of renegotiation has cropped up, because the terms are no longer wholly acceptable - no matter how much RP says she is ok with it - she is struggling with this or it would not be an issue for posting about?

*I'm sorry - I am suffering quite badly from various stressors and am having difficulty putting my thoughts into words*
 
In many ways your situation seems to be one of 'going at the slowest pace' - except that the slowest pace was negotiated to be no new members after you, or the loss of you (in that way?)?*


That is correct :)...no new male partners to be exact.

I think (from what I remember from previous posts)... it sounds like a period of renegotiation has cropped up, because the terms are no longer wholly acceptable - no matter how much RP says she is ok with it - she is struggling with this or it would not be an issue for posting about?*

That is also correct. And I have repeatedly commented on how I worry about her well being in this with a man who has my boundaries. I am fully aware of that and it is my burden. Things seem simple to those that share their sexuality easily so I understand their confusion.


The focus of this thread is not for me to justify my boundaries, but to explore the validity of my offered ways to work around them to some degree.
 
I'm using myself as an example to take on this thread:

Yes, the dynamic of the relationship changes but it also changes with the addition of new partners. Is it "fair" to expect no change in current partner dynamics in light of the desire to change the dynamic by adding new ones?
Is it fair to ask existing partners to "not" change when they are themselves being asked to accept change?

If both people are getting some of what they want while still maintaining relationships that they both get something from...is that not feasible? Is that not what compromise is about?

I'd like to try to stay somewhat on target with this because I know there will be a tendency to ask "why don't you work on getting over this issue as opposed to avoiding it through stepping back". Been there…will be there again I am sure :eek:


Hi Mono,

Well I think you know where I'll come down on this but for the others.

Yes I think it seems more than fair. As "coupled people" we have all gone to an event or gathering that we did out of obligation or kindness or perhaps guilt or fair trade, meaning if you go here.. I'll go next time with you. In the poly dynamic everyone is doing what he or she wants and there should be no shortage of people to do it with. < No pun intended > I know I've been at my sister in laws house on beautiful summer day thinking fuck I could be on the golf course or sailing or at my summer place... actually just about anywhere else.

I've grown to dislike beautiful summer wedding because all the time they consume... if it rains or forecast to rain I'm much better. To be fair I always find a way to have fun at weddings. Now I may not have do any of those things I did out of coupe-dom anymore. The problem I have is with the kids. The message it sends... All the lectures I gave when they said why do we have to go.... that kind of crap. I think you in the perfect position to choose activities that are more fun/rewarding and or less painful

Good luck with this.... see ya in Sturgis
 
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