J
So I met someone. I met her online and... I know, I know... whatever. She's pretty awesome. Of the dozen or so people I have contacted or been contacted by, she is by far the most real connection I've made. We've exchanged countless emails telling of ourselves and reveling in the similarities of our souls. Yes, I said souls.
Here's how it went down... I googled "Sex positive [funny named midwestern town]" and the top result was an OKC profile. I clicked the link and found a really awesome person. And as we all know... I'm into awesomeness. She was poly, pansexual, gave lectures about being sex positive and there she was, loving in my hometown. So I set up a profile and sent her a message. I was definitely hoping she would reply and maybe we could meet, but really I just wanted to start a dialog with her. I wanted to glean some information and make a connection.
I haven't heard back from her. Go figure.
But there I was on OKC. And there were other poly people there, at the ready. Some looking for this. Some looking for that. So I began browsing and eventually started sending messages. Who knows? Right? Worst case scenario... no one gets back to me. Best case... I actually connect with a like minded person.
So about two weeks in, I meet a lovely woman who we'll call the scientist. She's pretty cool, in a poly relationship and there's plenty of attraction. We chat a bit and she asks if she can come out to see the band. RC was absolutely awesome about this and we briefly met said scientist in a crowded little bar while I was tied up playing music all night. It was strange to have her watching me from the crowd, but also exciting. And that RC was there and in support of it was an amazing feeling. She had some friends there who knew the score to talk to about it and Charlie supporting by text. It was a decent first meeting, though I wish I could have had more than a five minute conversation with her in between sets. We've subsequently gone on a couple dates and are developing as friends.
Then about three weeks in I found J. And woa, man. When I read her profile I was astonished at what I was looking at. The content fit the bill of OKCs... oh... I don't know... compatibility algorythms(?), but that's not what caught me. Yes, she had a lot of the same interests as me, but more than that, she was speaking with an intelligent, open-minded compassion. An honest wisdom. She was no flash in the pan.
So I messaged her.
In no time flat we were exchanging dozens of emails and really getting into each other. We playfully poured our lives out in beautiful letters one after another. Flirting. Fantasizing. Twirling language and stories of ourselves around in a tornado of openness and acceptance. It's been heavenly. To be so desired from such a distance and to genuinely desire her in kind. She is a sweet, gentle, passionate soul, full of curiosity and wonder for love.
As this began to unfold, I kept it to myself. The innocence at first, the getting-to-know-you stuff, seemed like nothing big enough to bother RC about, especially with the load of school work and work work she's been dealing with... on top of dealing with the scientist... and caring for her relationships with myself and Charlie. It was just emails, after all.
Then RC left for a weekend with Charlie. That weekend was a flurry of communication with J. We started to talk about spirituality and recognized the depth of one another. We talked about music, our families, our hopes and dreams. After we talked on the phone, I started to feel something deeper than just having connected with someone. I was starting to have feelings for someone I had/have never met. Which is a first, to be sure.
So when RC called me the next day (incidentally I had gone for a walk with the scientist that day as well), I told her I had met someone. She was light-hearted and fine with it. This was getting good. We continued with our flurry of emails and I was feeling such joy at the whole thing. I looked forward to each word like a gift from a friend.
By the time RC came home, I was chomping at the bit to share what I was going through, but somehow hesitant. Somehow ill at ease once she got in the car with me. I am absolutely horrible at hiding emotion and she picked up on it immediately. The thing is, she was struggling too. And wanting to share that with me. I'll let her make her own struggles public if she likes, but the moment was a bit tense. We eventually got around to talking things out and I told her of the depth of connection I felt I had made with J. She was mostly taken by the pace of things, and understandably so. I was/am too. It had been just over a week since first contact at this point.
Our conversations about it over the last couple days have been strained. Mostly because I feel trapped between wanting to let this new connection flourish at whatever pace feels good and holding RC's heart gently, not going beyond what she's comfortable with. What, for a moment, felt lively, free and full of wondrous possibility, now seems weighted.
So I pulled back a little. I told her today that I have to take a moment to take care of my family. Which is fine. But I think I've made it heavier than it needs to be. She replied with a heart felt message saying that she could feel the difficulty I am having and that she is pulling back as well, but still there and ready when I am.
RC tells me that I have this pattern. I get a taste of success and I run headlong into it, full bore, until I hit a wall. And I get it. I see that I do that. But I'm still sorting out the why. I do not want that to happen here. J is definitely a kindred soul and someone I want very much to have a spirited relationship with. I want to tread lightly with her. Make it good.
If you read this far. You are awesome.