Redpepper's journey

This weekend I had a really fun night with Derby where we went dancing and watched a friend of mine get picked up. It made me sad.... end of story. I'm not even going there. ;)

I enjoyed smooching with Derby the whole night but was a little fearful that it doesn't mean much. Stupid I know... which is why I haven't brought it up Derby, as I know you are reading this. I guess I figure that kissing is not a big deal to her and therefore doesn't mean much when we kiss, but I know that is stupid, so I try not to go there. To me it means a lot, that's all that matters. I don't just kiss anyone and neither does she, so I am good.... :D Still, I woke up uneasy for a bit...

Although kissing can be very casual for me, it isn't always. It can most certainly be a big deal and mean an awful lot. If I have a connection it isn't casual anymore. When I was there with you on Friday, it was like the rest of the people in there didn't exist and it was just us. Honestly, you've been on my mind all weekend.
 
I just thought I would pop in and say that you two, Derby and RP, are a great couple and a blast to be around :D You're a true poly success from my perspective. Lots o'love going out to my Amour and Metamour :)
 
Although kissing can be very casual for me it isn't always. It can most certainly be a big deal and mean an awful lot. If I have a connection it isn't casual anymore. When I was there with you on Friday it was like the rest of the people in there didn't exist and it was just us. Honestly you've been on my mind all weekend.

This is very true for me as well. It CAN be casual. But if there is a connection, it can be SO intensely meaningful, too.

I really can't wait to meet you ALL in person! I miss you guys. All this last week I've been missing you guys! In fact, I've seen so many damn Harleys I was ready to scream. I even got teary over one I saw because just seeing it parked next to me made me really wish I was down there. I sometimes think that just maybe I'm REALLY REALLY a loony bin, missing people I haven't met, missing people I've only met once and missing a place I've never been! (Here come the white jackets.)
 
LR, care to see if you can make it camping this year? You missed out last year. I know it will be more tough though, you had quite a year last year.
 
Sometimes I should shut up and just be. Of course I don't do that and end up feeling the fool. Sometimes I shouldn't think so much as it leads to fear..... fear leads to feeling overly vulnerable and trusting... and so the cycle goes on and so I continue my self talk to get out of it.

Did you sneak into my thoughts a few days ago?! Anyway been here many a time...like this week!:eek:
 
I had a fight with Mono tonight. It was a total misunderstanding about my saying something that was meant to be my understanding of a point of view on something, and not what "I" think.

Why does that shit happen? Mono decided he wasn't going to listen as I explained it, and we ended up shouting, and me walking off saying "forget it." Later, we talked about how sometimes people decide something in the first part of someone saying something, get pissed off and then decide not to listen to the rest of it. Even when someone says, "No, I think this," the decision is made about it already and there is no going back. Drives me crazy.
 
I am very guilty of doing this, and it seems dependent on the subject being discussed. Certain things just flip the wrong mental switches, and it doesn't matter who brings up the subject that flips that switch, or how much we love them when we're being rational.

I've learned to try to keep that response under control with Mohegan, but if it happens when I'm already upset or angry about something else, she's learned to just tell me that I'm being a jackass and walk away until I cool off.
 
I am very guilty of doing this, and it seems dependant on the subject being discussed. Certain things just flip the wrong mental switches, and it doesn't matter who it is who brings up the subject that flips that switch - or how much we love them when we're being rational.

I've learned to try to keep that response under control with Mohegan, but if it happens when I'm already upset or angry about something else, she's learned to just tell me that I'm being a jackass and walk away until I cool off.

I'm totally guilty of that too. I now just back away and remove myself from the situation and come back when I'm in a calmer frame of mind. If he pushes my buttons and I push his back, it doesn't go well, so removing myself and coming back when he's cooled down to talk seems to work best.
 
Wish me luck tonight. This slutty robot has got some hot moves that made both my men gobsmacked ;) Heh. :D This go round is far more stripper than tease-and-reveal traditional burlesque. It kind of came around that way.

Did I mention how lucky I am to have such a wonderful boyfriend? He has helped and supported me so much! He's a good sub. :) Tonight he is carrying my case and chauffeuring. I love him to bits for his acts of service.

I love PN for his acts of service in keeping house and child in order these last few days. I took the boy to school late today so we could have some much needed boy and Mumma time. He seemed to appreciate that. I know I did. I missed him. Tonight he stays at my parents overnight so we can all go out.

I'm disappointed Leo isn't coming. He has social anxiety and just can't handle the crowd. :( *blah*

Derby is going to win for best costume, for sure! She has worked hard at it. So creative. I can't wait to see who she's up against and how she struts her stuff. :)

I didn't get nervous until I heard an ad on a local popular modern rock radio station while buying glow sticks today! Ahhh. Breath RP, it'll be fine. I've worked hard and know my stuff. It will be super fun too! Such a rush!
 
Break a leg! I would LOVE to see a burlesque show. Sounds fun! :D

I wonder if there are any around here? :confused:
 
She was great and her costume rocked!! They used her image in the opening music visuals before the show. Very sexy!! Very hot!! And very Loved!
 
I should never watch myself on video. That was not a good idea. I hope I was better in real life. Ah well. It's a work in progress, right? I liked my moves and I had a damn good costume and routine. I just didn't move enough, is all. I had great eye contact, though.

I had a great weekend. Tonight I watched the royal wedding with my parents and our family. We dressed up and everything, even had our own lord and lady names. It was all online, but whatever. I purposely didn't watch any of it, so it felt special still. My mum was in her element and everyone had an excellent time.

Next week, I am going to pamper her and give her a foot and hand massage when we are away at their house on the island. These are the ways to keep it good with the parents. Again, my lovely men pulled together and made the night really nice. They actually pretended they were interested and gave a funny running commentary, along with some informative facts along the way.

So glad to relax this coming week. I have caught up with a few things online, events and stuff, but there is more to do. Getting on it this week and spending some much needed time with my very supportive and loving tribe. :) They are so good to me. :) All smiles and a bit weepy with love and happiness.
 
I should never watch myself on video. That was not a good idea... I hope I was better in real life. Ah well, its a work in progress right? I liked my moves and I had a damn good costume and routine... I just didn't move enough is all. I had great eye contact though.

my lovely men pulled together and made the night really nice. They actually pretended they were interested and gave a funny running commentary along with some informative facts along the way.

.

I have all my dance stuff on video and can't tell you the last time I watched them. I think it's because we see ourselves and know what we thought we looked like, which is never the reality. I'm sure you did wonderful, and if you do feel you needed more movement, now you know and can towards it next time.

Karma watched the wedding with me, which really surprised me, but it was a good time. He gave plenty of commentary as well, especialy the hats :)
 
Well, nothing much to update, really.

I heard from my old friend and part time lover this week. He and I go way back. We have known each other since I identified as a lesbian and was married to my wife. He married a woman in my community who then identified as bisexual. She and I had dated a bit and although we were surface close, we never really clicked. She is a charming woman who is very manipulative and very intelligent about getting her way. She tends to turn situations on a dime and is very two-faced. One minute she's all sweetness and full of admiration, the next she is scowling and chopping your head off. We have had many moments where I was unsafe emotionally and she used that to her advantage. Needless to say, I have spent most of my time avoiding her due to the pain she has caused me over the years. Funny how when someone is really toxic they can sometimes come up in one's life over and over again.

She is in the process of divorcing my friend. I was the one who introduced them. I went to their wedding. I had my maternity leave with her and have been a huge part of her life and his. Now they are ending what everyone saw as a doomed relationship from the first moment I invited them out to a gay club and they got together. She used to talk constantly about how clueless he was while we raised our babies together that first year.

I have some emotions around this. I don't know what they are, but they are strong. I have some emotions around his being monogamous with another woman and shutting me out. I have some emotions around the fact that he has not responded to my emails for about 6 months now and suddenly did. I have some emotions around the fact that his girlfriend, who apparently has moved in with him, did not recognize me and was very territorial when I went to deliver something I had borrowed over a year ago to his house. I'm also having some emotions around the fact that his almost ex-wife is appearing on my friends' FB walls and in their friends because she is part of several communities where I am a strong participant. I'm breathing through it. I have some strong boundaries and she knows it.

She doesn't understand what she has done and I don't expect her to anymore. We have been down that road several times and I am not going down there again. She has had her last chance and I don't need to answer to her. Still, I am going to find it very hard not to say something if I hear anything about my friend that is untrue or one-sided. Thankfully, I don't involve myself much with lots of stuff or people that would tell me anything, anyway. :)

I have all but given up on Leo. I told him that he knows where I am and he can find me if he wants to hang out. The making plans all the time for us and him telling me he doesn't like what I plan has worn thin. He didn't see my burlesque show because he has social anxiety. He doesn't like going out for coffee. He doesn't like and can't do a whole lot of things. I just don't have the patience for it right now, if ever, mostly because he doesn't plan, I do. I think he thinks I'm his wife or something; she does everything. Nope, I'm not, and I won't.

The whole swinging thing has worn thin also. I just don't get it and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I'm really quite conservative aren't I? ;) I don't think I am ever going to be close to anything sexual with him, not only because of Mono, but because of the swinging. It would make me feel dirty and like he is there for a good time, not a connected time. I don't even flirt any more. If he wants flirting he can come and watch a show I do, like everyone else, and pay!

Wow! Am I ever cranky. Please take what I just said there with a huge grain of salt!

I had an awesome weekend and Mother's Day. I treated my mum like a queen. I did her feet and hands; made them look all pretty and supple. I even put some little flowers on her nails. She loved it. She sat against the back massager I brought and soaked her feet beforehand.

Everything with the family is going really well. I couldn't be happier and neither could they. We have worked hard and everyone is settled in now.

I had my tea leaves read today at a country Mother's Day tea. The woman said I have been working hard at something; slowly and methodically. It will come to fruition with time. She also said that I will go to a conference and it will be really good for me. Lastly, someone will be an unexpected surprise, or will give me an unexpected surprise. Interesting.

Derby left a Mother's Day treat at my door-- everything to give myself a pedicure. My favorite part was the cream from her own personal nursing stash. :D Heh, love that. I will have to invite her over to do our feet. We had a good swim and a soak in the hot tub this week. I think we will do that again. She went to derby. I did the "extreme cardio" water aerobics (very un-extreme) and then we soaked and chatted. It was lovely. We had a shower together and a friend of mine walked in. Awkward. :eek:

Women's group meets at my house this week. We have a new member coming that I met up with last week. She was really having a hard time. Poor thing, she showed up a week early and burst into tears on my doorstep. PN answered the door and she wasn't expecting him to. She expected me to. She ran down the street. I ran after her. She didn't want to talk to me, but I managed to get a hold of her and we went for a sit in the park the next day. I hope she will be okay. I told her to call me whenever she needed to.

Gotta go. I have bad cramps and am cranky and Mono just made me a cup of tea. He's putting a documentary on for me. PN and LB have crashed from their lack of sleep all weekend.

Guess I had lots to say. :p
 
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Derby left me a mother's day treat on my door. Everything to give myself a pedicure. My favorite part was the cream from her own personal nursing stash. :D Heh,,,, love that. I will have to invite her over to do our feet. We had a good swim this week and soak in the hot tub. I think we will do that again. She went to derby, I did the *extreme cardio* water aerobics (very un-extreme)and then we soaked and chatted. It was lovely. We had a shower together and a friend of mine walked in. Akward :eek:

I'm going to give you your pedicure. I just dropped the stuff off for you so you had it for Mother's Day. :D
 
Had a most lovely women's meet this month at my house. 16 women all crammed into 1200 square feet. It was a lovely spring day, everyone brought amazing food and clothing for a clothing swap and we discussed several of the women's events and issues. It bugged that we didn't get to everyone. I don't think anyone minded overly much, though.

I went on a date with Leo last night. Sigh... Lots going on in my head about that one. He gave me a peck on the lips. :eek: Bad! Broke a boundary again. Fucking boundaries. :p More to come as I process.
 
So I ended up asking for more dates with Leo. I figuref\d part of my issues came from just not seeing him. I asked to see him for coffee dates, but he doesn't like that, so I asked for at least seeing him more somehow. Don't know how. He said no. He said once a month is enough. All that is required for him to feel like we are good is that I show up! WTF?

Sigh... It's not enough. I think I need to scale back to friendship. When I think that, he says things like he got a cell phone just to be able to text me and that he likes to pay because, to him, it shows he cares.

Maybe this has always been like this and I have changed.

I've realized that we have differing love languages, so I am getting "the five love languages" book for him and his wife. I told him that words of affirmation are important to me. I need to reassured that he is getting something from this and enjoys being with me. I get no touch, so that is out in terms of loving me. But he does pay. That is an act of service, as far as I am concerned, as I would be broke if I paid for the amount on our bills! I just need some words other than talk of work, cars, what the wife is doing and the HUGE differences politically and socially we have. Oh, ya, and the fact that he is a huge pessimist and I an optimist. I did mention that it's hard for me to trust a pessimist when I make myself vulnerable to them. I expect eye rolling and sarcasm when I say loving words. It's hard for me to trust that I will get loving words back.

Thoughts would be appreciated. I am really stumped at this point. What if we are done? What if I just carry on and change how I see things in my mind? I can't help how I feel, but as time goes on my feelings are changing. I feel as if I am at a crossroads. I could remain invested or scale back to friendship, and I doubt he would notice.
 
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