New and exciting and terrifying. How does this work?

Justsomeguys

New member
So me and my boyfriend (I'm a bi male he is gay) started hanging out with a friend of mine we are in our early 30s he is mid 20s. He only recently came out as bi but I have been friends with him for about 5 years and I always kinda knew he wasn't straight. When he came out my boyfriend and I had been considering inviting another guy into things purely for playtime.

I suggested my friend and they both were somewhat interested but wanted to get to know each other. I have always really liked this guy though hadn't considered anything romantic as my bf and I had always been monogamous aside from a single incident where threesome occurred many years ago. Since I started hanging out with friend I have wanted boyfriend to meet him because I thought they would get along really well. Because we are all working full time with different schedules, and me and my bf are both also in school we never manage to hang out together until about 4 weeks ago.

Since the first time we all hung out we have been trying to hang out as frequently as possible and though no sex has occurred my bf and I have both started feeling more romantically interested in this guy. I had been kind of thinking about figuring out how to bring up the subject of some kind of three way relationship, but was kind of worried how bf would take things as we have been a very monogamous couple up to this point.

Two days ago bf and I were talking and he brought up the suggestion that this could become a friend dating us as a couple situation and this turning into a triangle relationship. I was glad to hear him bring that up as i was worried he would be hurt by my growing feelings for friend. Turns out he was having the same feelings.

So finally getting to the point. We don't know how this could change our relationship dynamic and while this whole thing is exciting I love my bf very much and the idea that something like this could hurt our relationship is terrifying. Also friend just came out and is basically experiencing gay/bi life for the first time (he says his attraction is about 10% women 90% men) He has never been with a man and never had a long term relationship. He is a very mellow guy and we were all raised religious in a not gay friendly religion so he has some things to figure out in his life that we have already figured out.

Between my boyfriend and myself I am actually very confident that we can weather just about anything after 14 years together. My biggest concerns are at what point would we broach the subject with friend. If he decided to become a part of this new 3 person relationship how do we handle making sure he is able to continue to grow as his own person rather than just being absorbed into the two of us. I specifically said become a new relationship rather than join ours because for this to work I think we would need to look at it as a new relationship rather than him joining ours or it would be doomed from the beginning. But it is impossible, and i would never want to ignore the 14 years me and my bf already have between us. At what point do we share the parts of our life with a new person that we already shared with each other?

Practically speaking me and the boyfriend basically have completely merged our finances and basically everything about our lives. When and how does that happen with this new person. I know it would be a while I'm not trying to say we do all this immediately I'm just going over so much in my head right now. My brain is going a mile a minute trying to figure out all of this stuff.

All of this stuff aside how do you even know if a newly out bisexual person is emotionally ready to handle a relationship like this?

Please forgive my rambling I just just vomited up all of my words onto my keyboard right now because there's a million things going through my head but any input advice or suggestions anyone might have would be appreciated.

TLDR: Previously monogamous bi/gay male couple starting to fall for a friend. Friend is newly out as bi with little life and relationship experience. All so new. Stream of consciousness word dump.
 
Hi there.

You may have to consider what if the new guy likes one of you romantically but not the other. You may also like to consider what would happen if he likes and dates both of you now but then loses interest with one of you.

Otherwise, good luck with polyamory and good luck with (what I presume will be) your upcoming chat with him. :)
 
Welcome, and good luck.
If he decided to become a part of this new 3 person relationship how do we handle making sure he is able to continue to grow as his own person rather than just being absorbed into the two of us. I specifically said become a new relationship rather than join ours because for this to work I think we would need to look at it as a new relationship rather than him joining ours or it would be doomed from the beginning.
First up, my suggestion is to stop framing it as him becoming part of a 3-person relationship. I'm glad to see that you already understand that he can't be added to what you already have with your BF, but your aim should be for him to be in a relationship with you, and in another relationship with your BF rather than in a relationship with your existing relationship. People don't form a relationship with a relationship, they form relationships with people.

For a list of common pitfalls to avoid, I recommend reading So, someone called you a Unicorn Hunter? It's geared toward a hetro couple trying to find a hot bi babe, but if you can overlook that the basic principals are the same.
 
I second what Shaya and Emm said, but just wanted to say how nice it is to see two people who have really thought through the concept of Couple's Privilege.

Of course, there is no guarantee that your friend is attracted to EITHER of you. How to approach that, I will leave for the posters who are more expert than I!
 
What if new guy only likes one of us or one of us more than the other.

Well we are pretty certain that is already the case as I have known him for several years and worked with him for 3. Me and friend definitely have a strong friendship, but there was definitely and immediate connection between friends and boyfriend.

First up, my suggestion is to stop framing it as him becoming part of a 3-person relationship.

Sorry I was trying to do exactly that by saying the 3 of us were all entering into a new relationship, I'm new to this so I think my intention was what you had been suggesting but I'm not very familiar with some of the language associated with all of this new stuff.

Of course, there is no guarantee that your friend is attracted to EITHER of you.

As we generally watch movies in a heap of cuddled up dudes on lovesac, one drunk night in our underwear, there is definitely some attraction. Down to underwear is as far as we have gone because we all realized we were to drunk to go further comfortably. We also frequently share a bed when it comes time to crash for the evening. There is definitely more there than nothing.
 
Sorry I was trying to do exactly that by saying the 3 of us were all entering into a new relationship, I'm new to this so I think my intention was what you had been suggesting but I'm not very familiar with some of the language associated with all of this new stuff.
I think we're in furious agreement, although I still have a quibble with one word you keep using. You are not entering a new relationship because that assumes that you and BF are a single unit. The reality is that you and BF are separate people, so you as an individual are entering a single new relationship with Friend. Your BF, as another individual, is entering a single new relationship with Friend. Friend is entering two new relationships, both of which are with individual people.

You (collectively) are entering new relationships, not a relationship.
 
Last edited:
I think we're in furious agreement, although I still have a quibble with one word you keep using. You are not entering a new relationship because that assumes that you and BF are a single unit. The reality is that you and BF are separate people, so you as an individual are entering a single new relationship with Friend. Your BF, as another individual, is entering a single new relationship with Friend. Friend is entering two new relationships, both of which are with individual people.

You (collectively) are entering new relationships, not a relationship.

Yes all of this is what I mean. Gimme a break buddy it is is still way to early in the morning.
 
Yes all of this is what I mean. Gimme a break buddy it is is still way to early in the morning.

Emm keeps pointing this out not to quibble with your buzz words, but to illuminate a very important point that most couples new to poly do miss. They think of themselves as a unit, operating as a unit and preserving the unit at all cost, which is an orientation that by its very nature sets up couples and the intended single person for heartbreak and lots of confusion. When you get out of "we are a unit, we share this person" thinking, you are doing something deliberate and pretty unusual: You are acknowledging that you and BF are two separate people and perhaps even allowing that the preservation of the "unit" is not the highest priority. Instead, the three individuals are. That perspective is radical, usually has to be learned and not how most couples enter into the dream of polyamory. You asked, "how do you even know if a newly out bisexual person is emotionally ready to handle a relationship like this?" Your focus right now is better directed toward whether you are ready to open yourself up to a love relationship with another man in addition to the relationship you have with your BF. How do you feel about two ongoing, full-on love relationships in your life?
 
Last edited:
I understand and appreciate what you are trying to say, I was just being a smartass. I have since had my coffee and am much better behaved.
 
One thing you might want to watch out for is in the speed with which the relationship(s) progresses. There are a lot of posters on the board who have their partner move in very quickly after establishing themselves as a triad (or any other configuration). Why this is, I'm not sure, but it's generally not a great option.

In other words, don't have him move his stuff in next week. Since you have already sorted out some very important aspects of this potential triad, you may have already thought this one out as well. If so, just ignore me.
 
How do you feel about two ongoing, full-on love relationships in your life?

Honestly I love the idea, I'm scared of the changes that can take place in my life from taking on the new and unknown. I'm trying to mitigate as much risk as possible by learning what I can before the actual shoe drops and we actually get to the point where things need to be defined and hashed out among the three of us. Should that actually happen.
 
One thing you might want to watch out for is in the speed with which the relationship(s) progresses. There are a lot of posters on the board who have their partner move in very quickly after establishing themselves as a triad (or any other configuration). Why this is, I'm not sure, but it's generally not a great option.

In other words, don't have him move his stuff in next week. Since you have already sorted out some very important aspects of this potential triad, you may have already thought this one out as well. If so, just ignore me.

Yeah there will be no moving around for a while. Me and my bf are actually looking at buying a house right now though and I have started looking for a house with another bedroom just in case the need arises in the distant future. Friend is currently on a lease for at least another 9 months and while he and I are close we are definitely giving boyfriend and friend a few months to get to know each other before we suggest moving forward with things romantically speaking.
 
Hi Justsomeguys,

I think you are going in the right direction, and you are taking it slow which is exactly what I'd advise you to do. Try not to worry too much about your friend's health and growth, those things are his own responsibility, and should be his own, even if he is young and inexperienced. You can be there to support him if he asks for help, but let him be the captain that steers his own ship. Easier said than done I know, and sounds risky. But if you do too much for him, he'll never learn the things he needs to learn. Just be there to lend him a hand if he asks.

Keep us posted on this forum, and we'll continue to offer advice and feedback.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Back
Top