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  #11  
Old 07-18-2018, 03:34 AM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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Originally Posted by Polylogical View Post
Hi Lunabunny,
But even though I haven't technically lived poly (and maybe I never will), it is the freedom of being open to the possibility... not feeling restricted... I don't really know how to explain it. Maybe it seems weird... since it's just a mentality...
It doesn't seem weird (after all, you're addressing a poly discussion board in which most of the members are poly or non-mono to some degree)... it just may not be the most practical option for you right now.

I guess, the way I see your situation is... if your wife is adamantly opposed to opening back up again, you may have to make a decision about whether to prioritise your current marriage - including supporting your wife through therapy/treatment, raising your children together and working the farm/business in partnership - or going your own way, separating from her, and giving yourself the freedom to date whoever you want in whatever configuration you choose.

I know your wife did the wrong thing years ago, and seems to have decided that polyamory causes nothing but pain, therefore isn't willing to enter into a similar arrangement ever again or even discuss the possibility... and you simply cannot force or coerce an unwilling partner into this kind of lifestyle. If being free from dating restrictions is how you've decided you want/need to live, then sooner or later you will HAVE to address that and decide what's most important to you.
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  #12  
Old 07-18-2018, 04:24 AM
Polylogical Polylogical is offline
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Yup, I hear you. It makes sense. I'm not entirely sure what to do atm. I feel like I've been slapped in the face but can't get mad about it because it'll make her feel too bad about doing it... hence me venting here...

It's weird but I feel like, while we had the open relationship status, I could forgive her her transgressions... but now with her closing off the open relationship I feel more angry about it, more betrayed by her. I don't know why...

Anyway, I guess I'll wait, try to support her through the mental illness.... her recovery from that is a priority. Hopefully the other things will resolve themselves with that...
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  #13  
Old 07-23-2018, 07:52 PM
CaptainUnderpants CaptainUnderpants is offline
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Originally Posted by Polylogical View Post
It's weird but I feel like, while we had the open relationship status, I could forgive her her transgressions... but now with her closing off the open relationship I feel more angry about it, more betrayed by her. I don't know why....
This actually makes complete sense. My wife and I have swung. I essentially adhered to the rules. She on the other hand, through use of alcohol, had several situations that were less than ethical.

Having an open relationship as the goal allows for these mistakes to be just lessons on the path to learning the right way. They can be forgiven when these mistakes are put in context with the goal of loving respectful openness.

When the goal of openness now becomes seen as a mistake, then all of the stumbling blocks along the way become seen as unforgivable errors rather than simple errors of being human stumbling along on the path to become more loving in a monogamous world that is ego driven and judgmental.

I get it!!!!
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Last edited by CaptainUnderpants; 07-23-2018 at 10:49 PM.
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  #14  
Old 07-27-2018, 02:09 AM
Polylogical Polylogical is offline
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So my wife is back from her trip. She doesn't want to talk about anything, just said she's going to ignore it, and doesn't want to hear it from me....

It's weird for me because we had always talked about it before. And I'm not super comfortable with keeping things secret as it were. Anyone in a situation like that? Don't ask, don't tell?...
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  #15  
Old 07-27-2018, 09:09 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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In poly circles, "don't ask, don't tell" describes a situation in which one partner is basically able to pretend their partner isn't seeing anyone else because the other person is never mentioned. What do you mean by the way you use it here?
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  #16  
Old 07-27-2018, 11:51 AM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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I would just like to add that it's very common for people to be 'intellectually' ok with poly, or even ok with poly themselves, but then have these (conscious or subconscious) insecurities and double standards, which only surface when the possibility becomes real and their partner actually goes to date and have sex with someone else. So... now fully abstracting from your history... her current reaction is quite within the norm. It would be a problem if it becomes a pattern, but to have a panic attack when your partner first goes have sex with someone else ... is indicative of underlying problems but not something to blame the person for. Other people have addressed your wife's emotional problems, so I just want to point out that for most couples, poly needs a learning curve.

edit: sorry I commented before seeing the second page, it might be a bit off
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Last edited by Tinwen; 07-27-2018 at 11:54 AM.
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  #17  
Old 07-29-2018, 01:18 AM
Polylogical Polylogical is offline
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@Emm Yeah, basically she is saying I can still do It, but she doesn't want to know anything about it. But I do t see how this would ever work. I'm also not really comfortable being secretive about things...

@Tinwen So yeah it's that she had these insecurities this one time and wanted everything to stop.

Right now I'm not really sure where she stands.
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