Dealing with rejection due to herpes

I'm going to ask a possibly really stupid question here.

Genital herpes.. what's the big deal? I understand it can be a big deal, and dangerous, if you are pregnant or want to get pregnant. But if you are not, and/or are a guy who's not with a woman trying to get pregnant.. what is herpes really? It's a nasty skin condition. It's uncomfortable, but so is getting a bad cold, or the flu. You don't die from herpes. I'm sure everyone would rather not have it, but my suspicion about why people are so scared of it, is that contrary to the flu or a cold, this is something you get for life, and something you get from having sex.

Disclosure: I have it. My last outbreak was more than a year ago. All my partners know. I inform potential new partners before anything happens that goes beyond kissing. I've never had anyone reject me for it. And personally I find living with it so easy, that I could not care less if I had it or not.
 
. . . you don't really need to rub salt into the wound. It was just a cold and insensitive thing to do.

No, it wasn't cold and insensitive. It was honest. That is a viewpoint he will likely encounter in dating, and Dagferi gave it with compassion ("I am sorry it hurts."). That wasn't insensitive or cold. Her perspective could be helpful. She informed the OP that she would immediately shut him down, because there are other people she must consider. Annabel also said, "I don't know if I would ever date someone with HSV-2." He may not like this stance but it could be valuable because it is coming from polyfolk.

I have seen, at another poly forum, a wide range of responses. It may surprise some people to know that many think herpes is no big deal, just a skin condition, and that if you want to have sex, risk is part of it. I think it's good to hear all types of reactions here, so he can prepare himself for out in the real world.
 
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I was a little harsh in my tones

As I firmly believe that a person who has herpes only needs to take very minimal actions in order to not transmit the virus. But this post hit a many nerves for me as I left my career in the medical industry after being disgusted with what I believed to be a shift of the entire industry into just another business industry as opposed to having one mission to heal the sick and cure the diseased.

I don't think you are wrong at all Dagferi, I wasn't clear about how many people I believe run around putting others at risk with either their ignorance or stupidity when it came to Sexual Health. I don't care whether or not a person had every test available and the retook it twice and got a clean bill of health in triplicate, if the person is an idiot about sexual health or irresponsible with their partners trust, I would not consider them as possible partners, no how , no way.

And perhaps that is what OP date is doing, making sure he isn't an idiot about sexual health. As she seems to at least take hers semi-seriously.

It sounds like to me she might understand how it isn't a complicated matter to take simple precautions that the virus is not spread, it is as simple as not engaging in sex during an outbreak.

And yes Annabel there are safe ways to have protected sex if you find yourself in a situation where you feel close enough to the person to engage in sex, but not ready to fully trust the person with your sexual health in their hands. With gloves, condoms, and latex boxer briefs much like bicycling pants can and do make it pretty hard to transmit herpes.

Although if I felt I needed to take that precaution, I would give serious thought to whether or not it is worth it.

the other thing is from my past relationships, it has only been within the last four or five years that I can honestly say my partners are honest with me. And that was not an easy thing to deal with, there are few things less devastating than placing your trust and faith in the wrong people. It's hard to understand how someone can claim to care for you, but let something as stupid and childish as embarrassment, denial , or fear take precedence over anybody in my life, let alone someone I supposedly loved or cared for.

Because HSV is so minor and so easy not to spread, when I know I can trust a person and they have their priorities straight in regards to what is more important, immature worries or my life, I make it a point to let them know that just because another person didn't honor and value them enough to be responsible, it doesn't make them any less important to me and HSV is NOT something that ruins them from intimacy with me.

I have also been lied to, cheated on, shared my partners with others unbeknownst to me yet neither informed me (which is all I requested of them) and then engaged in unprotected sex with me. I know how easy it is to think you know someone, but you don't. It is only a matter of luck that I have never had a sexually transmitted disease.
 
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No, it wasn't cold and insensitive. It was honest. That is a viewpoint he will likely encounter in dating, and Dagferi gave it with compassion ("I am sorry it hurts.").

I just don't think it necessary given the OP, had the post asked 'would you date me' or 'I don't understand what the big deal is...' or the like, I could understand, but the OP was not that ignorant, s/he was just hurt.
 
Yes, HSV 2 is known as "genital herpes," but you can have HSV 2 on your mouth and HSV 1 on your genitals. Both types of HSV live in the spine and take the closest route to the skin when they break out, but it could be either one in either place. There is a member who here who has HSV 1 on her genitals which she got from a man who went down on her and did not tell her he had herpes, which was on his mouth but not visible at the time. He had recurring cold sores and thought nothing of it. Yes, as you say, many people who get cold sores don't think of it as herpes. That doesn't make their misperceptions true. If you get cold sores, you have herpes and should tell your sex partners.

This. You can have either virus, in either location.

Furthermore, I have HSV2 and NEVER get breakouts on my girl-parts. If I don't take my acyclovir, I get a breakout once a month, just before my period at the base of my spine.
Warning sign-that part of my body starts to itch.

I have chosen to make the information about my having it known in all of my social circles for many years. It started because I was fairly popular and well-liked. I heard people making derogatory comments about people who weren't well-liked regarding them probably having STD's.
Anyway, I started being outspoken and upfront about having herpes so that people around me would start realizing that you don't have to be a jerk to have an STD.
At this point, it's just natural and comfortable for me to tell new people that I have a husband and a boyfriend and herpes.

But-it takes some time to reach that comfort level. In the early years my rule was to share before any chance of sex.

Also-I wanted to add, there are still time, when I do get a breakout (there are times I can't take the meds for other health reasons) and I will get moody and emotional about him cheating on me (I do know who, where and how I got it). So don't be too hard on yourself for feeling anger about it and grieving the loss of you "pre-herpes" you. It's normal to feel those things.
 
(and make taking a shower and using soap and water a part of your sex routine. I enjoy doing it together-before and after sometimes. But really-many things that could be risks are reduced just by washing)
 
I just don't think it necessary given the OP, had the post asked 'would you date me' or 'I don't understand what the big deal is...' or the like, I could understand, but the OP was not that ignorant, s/he was just hurt.

LatetotheParty is a male, btw. Just check his profile or read his other threads to see that.

And tangents are allowed here, if they don't go too far afield. I think that what Dagferi posted was relevant to this thread and not a tangent, like Dirt's post was, because hers was a reaction he (the OP) might expect from a potential date. He wasn't asking for info on diagnosis or testing.
 
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LatetotheParty is a male, btw. Just check his profile or read his other threads to see that.

Thank you, I thought so but going looking felt a little too invasive.

And tangents are allowed here, if they don't go too far afield. As long as a tangent is somehow related to the topic, it's fine. What Dagferi posted was relevant to this thread and not a tangent, like Dirt's post was, because hers was about a potential date's reaction. He (the OP) wasn't asking for info on diagnosis or testing.

But we already got a potential dates reaction in the OP, so again, why bother?

Anyway I am happy to agree to disagree on that point and agree with the fact that Dirtclusit's tangent has nothing to do with the OP.
 
Um, okay. Whatever floats your boat. I don't really care if anyone agrees with me or not.


Well I Care! How am I ever to start my Bible of NYCindie if people disagree??? Hrumph. Fine, I'll just excommunicate them anyway.
 
Um, okay. Whatever floats your boat. I don't really care if anyone agrees with me or not.

FFS what is up with everyone today, is it hormone central or something? Sheesh.... I just meant we needn't beat the issue to death as neither of us will convince the other and it is clear that we both have strong views on the issue.

Gawd, you can own your inner bitch but I don't need to meet her over something so friggin stupid! :rolleyes:
 
I don't have "strong views on the subject." Just stated an opinion in defense of what Dagferi wrote, that's all. I am not interested in convincing you of anything. All I am into is clearly stating my opinion. Furthermore, it doesn't matter to me if you or anyone else "agrees to disagee" with me or not. Who cares. However, I'd like to point out that being direct and matter-of-fact is not being bitchy, and hormones have nothing to do with that, so that was an odd comment to make.
 
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You call it odd I call it definitely probably considering how thoroughly pointless your reply was. If you don't care what people think why keep going on?

As I said, I was drawing a line, I am surprised that you did not get that. If that was too vague for you I apologise but there you go, now can we end this as I am loathe to engage further in something I am accusing Dirtclusit of.
 
So much random bickering on the boards, lately... I wish people could just ignore each other if it's not related to the topic at hand, or take it to PM. This sort of back and forth is tiresome and distracting. Gonna take my own advice and not reply if anyone responds to this, I just really wanted to put it out there and this seemed as good a time as any.

To keep things on the topic, I saw my gynecologist today for something unrelated and asked for an STI panel, gave her a list of everything I could think of to test for. We got to talking a little and she mentioned that she's the only doctor in their practice (there are maybe six of them) to routinely test for HSV without being asked when people request STI testing. More than once, women she's treated have found out they have HSV-2 because of that and then have been very upset to find out that there was no way for them to tell when they got it because they weren't being tested for it before, which they hadn't realized. I'll get my results back in a week... actually just a tiny bit nervous now! I know intellectually, as has been pointed out above, that it's just a skin condition, nothing dangerous about it, and that it's treatable... it's the stigma, the same thing the OP is dealing with, that I worry about most, I realize when I really think about it. If we could all collectively get over it, then it wouldn't be a big deal anymore... well, again, as has been pointed out, except for pregnant women...
 
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So much random bickering on the boards, lately... I wish people could just ignore each other if it's not related to the topic at hand, or take it to PM. This sort of back and forth is tiresome and distracting.

Yes it is, thank you for the cyber slap. I totally deserve it. And I will stop.


]she's the only doctor in their practice (there are maybe six of them) to routinely test for HSV without being asked when people request STI testing. More than once, women she's treated have found out they have HSV-2 because of that and then have been very upset to find out that there was no way for them to tell when they got it because they weren't being tested for it before, which they hadn't realized.

Someone I know who contracted HSV1 was told by her GP that they simply won't test for it because it is far too common. They won't test at sexual health clinics either for the same reason (I asked last summer).

well, again, as has been pointed out, except for pregnant women...

I had a bit of a scare in early pregnancy actually and it has really made me think seriously about the seriousness of the condition and how difficult it can be if you are relying on someone else to be aware of what their body is telling them.
 
Lots of helpful feedback, guys...thanks. Great article, AnnabelMore. I appreciate you posting that. I don't have time to go back and address everything, but a couple of points to make clear:

1) Yes, I intend on disclosing this information with anyone of interest. I've only been faced with it once so far, and had no issue telling her. Stigma or not, I believe the other person has a right to choose based on what he/she knows, and there will be no berating from me. In no way did I throw my date's choice back in her face. I told her I understood...she was very sweet about the whole thing...and we had a terrific rest of the night, not to mention dinner the next night.

2) I'm not going to get into a back and forth about opinions being right or wrong...they're opinions, there *is* no right or wrong, and everyone has them. I'm fully aware that there are many people who wouldn't get anywhere near me. I'm not asking for a pat on the back, sympathy, sugarcoating...because shit happens. Just advice on going forward, others sharing similar stories, etc.
 
About 3 weeks ago, my hubby met a girl online. they got along well, and exchanged phone numbers. During the first texts or so or maybe a talk on the phone (I don't remember) she told him that she had herpes. He then told me. Our initial reaction was no biggie. IF they remained friends it would not impact either of us. IF they became lovers there would be steps taken to protect him and therefore me.. I have ocular herpes (which is no walk in the park) and I totally understand the stigma that the word brings about, and NO ONE is going to catch herpes from my eye. But a mere mention of the word and people step back ten feet.

Anyway the end result of our conversation was, if she became a relationship/sexual interest, hubby then he would not let that deter him from continuing a relationship with her.
 
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