Livingwithlove
New member
Hello,
I’m so thankful this wonderful community exists. I’m seeking some experience and perhaps advice from those who have been in a polyamorous relationship for some time.
Please forgive me if I use the wrong terms I’m still unsure as to what definitions/labels I fall under with my V fam.
To give a short backstory, I’ve been with my partner for 6 years, I’m a young mom to our beautiful nearly 2 year old baby boy, and in May this year my partner proposed to me. Fast forward to July and my partner met a beautiful man and fell in love. There was a month long period of time where I was completely in the dark about this relationship however, and I think this is the cause for a lot of the pain and loss of trust I feel. I know a lot of poly family’s have a veto system, in a sense I feel a bit ripped of the right to make such a decision with my partner -but I’m wise enough to know that love happens when we least expect it, and for this reason I have a huge amount of compassion for my partner. When my partner first told me about this man and their relationship, I was extremely hurt, and angry. It took some time of sitting with it, talking to my partner, learning about this man, and eventually meeting him to fully come to the fact that I had to let my partner experience this, and follow his heart. In some senses I feel ripped of the relationship I thought we had, it has taken me about a month to realize this doesn’t necessarily change our relationship, you could say I’m still in a fair amount of shock/denial/acceptance. I go through each phase nearly daily. My partners boyfriend is now living with us. He is wonderful, kind, loving, extremely sensitive, wonderful with our son, and our son loves him in turn, our relationship remains platonic -friends-. It feels strange to say, but I feel as though my relationship with my partners boyfriend is more filled with love than my relationship with my primary. We’re both highly in tune with eachothers boundaries and I feel a huge amount of respect and gratitude for him because. I suppose I’m coming here to ask if this is normal? Has anyone experienced this within a MMF V, where the man is the connector, has anyone been “me” in this position before?
Part of living together makes me a bit uncomfortable, not because of my partners BF, moreso because as a mom to a toddler, I never have any alone time with my partner anymore. Sex has gone straight out the window longer than it’s ever gone before, and after recently stopping breastfeeding I feel as though that wild animal in me is alive with no where to run. know that NRE is probably a huge cause of this for my partner. I can’t help but feel left out and forgotten by my partner. I’ve voiced this, however he seems to be more concerned on his BF’s need for intimacy than mine. It hurts badly, especially after a long day with my little one, to need human adult connection and find he’s otherwise preoccupied. We’ve talked but it doesn’t seem to help much, and I feel as though I’m burdening him, being a weight or running the risk of sounding like a nag. I know that’s probably the least attractive feature.
My partner works a very strenuous job, all day and Into the night most days a week, trying to get ahead in this day and age is a challenge, and a lot of our problems are logistical, but it doesn’t help the emotional problems. Most days I feel as though asking for something will be too much, I am habitually a people pleaser and I’m having a hard time knowing how and what is appropriate to ask for. There is also an underlying piece of wanting my partner to want me, with clues and cues that “hey I’m here, I’m interested, I want to share time with him, and love you” instead of having to directly ask, I know a lot of that comes from insecurity and the shock of change.
There is then the matter of respecting my partners BF’s needs and boundaries and making sure he feels safe and loved as well, having been invited into our home I want him to feel equally as important and appreciated and loved as anyone else -as we all deserve. I absolutely hate it when my monogamist side rears her ugly head, the jealousy, fear, codependency, because I know that is just a cause of the environment I was raised in rather than my true loving heart.
Do you think this will work itself out? Do I need to make sure my needs are met in the beginning of all this and be more open with my communication? DOES the insecurity and fear eventually fade out? And is it normal to not be intimate with your primary when they’ve found someone else?
This is very new to all of us, and I’ve read countless blogs and articles on polyamory, the mistakes that can happen, what to watch out for, etc etc, but I have yet to read about someone who’s been the female in a MMF V the way it works for us.
If anything I’m looking for some guidance/support. I am alone most of the day with a little one being a stay at home mom and it gives my head too much time to spin, worry, become jealous and insecure. I have been prioritizing my health, painting, belly dancing, mental health, spirituality, and sexuality on my own as best as I can, alone. However I know what I really seek is to be loved and valued and cared for the way I treat others. I love my partner dearly, and I don’t see leaving to be an option emotionally, or logistically even for some breathing room which I initially thought might be good for all of us. Financially that can’t happen at this time in our lives.
Any advice would be lovely.
Thank you dear ones,
Love and blessings and happiness to you
I’m so thankful this wonderful community exists. I’m seeking some experience and perhaps advice from those who have been in a polyamorous relationship for some time.
Please forgive me if I use the wrong terms I’m still unsure as to what definitions/labels I fall under with my V fam.
To give a short backstory, I’ve been with my partner for 6 years, I’m a young mom to our beautiful nearly 2 year old baby boy, and in May this year my partner proposed to me. Fast forward to July and my partner met a beautiful man and fell in love. There was a month long period of time where I was completely in the dark about this relationship however, and I think this is the cause for a lot of the pain and loss of trust I feel. I know a lot of poly family’s have a veto system, in a sense I feel a bit ripped of the right to make such a decision with my partner -but I’m wise enough to know that love happens when we least expect it, and for this reason I have a huge amount of compassion for my partner. When my partner first told me about this man and their relationship, I was extremely hurt, and angry. It took some time of sitting with it, talking to my partner, learning about this man, and eventually meeting him to fully come to the fact that I had to let my partner experience this, and follow his heart. In some senses I feel ripped of the relationship I thought we had, it has taken me about a month to realize this doesn’t necessarily change our relationship, you could say I’m still in a fair amount of shock/denial/acceptance. I go through each phase nearly daily. My partners boyfriend is now living with us. He is wonderful, kind, loving, extremely sensitive, wonderful with our son, and our son loves him in turn, our relationship remains platonic -friends-. It feels strange to say, but I feel as though my relationship with my partners boyfriend is more filled with love than my relationship with my primary. We’re both highly in tune with eachothers boundaries and I feel a huge amount of respect and gratitude for him because. I suppose I’m coming here to ask if this is normal? Has anyone experienced this within a MMF V, where the man is the connector, has anyone been “me” in this position before?
Part of living together makes me a bit uncomfortable, not because of my partners BF, moreso because as a mom to a toddler, I never have any alone time with my partner anymore. Sex has gone straight out the window longer than it’s ever gone before, and after recently stopping breastfeeding I feel as though that wild animal in me is alive with no where to run. know that NRE is probably a huge cause of this for my partner. I can’t help but feel left out and forgotten by my partner. I’ve voiced this, however he seems to be more concerned on his BF’s need for intimacy than mine. It hurts badly, especially after a long day with my little one, to need human adult connection and find he’s otherwise preoccupied. We’ve talked but it doesn’t seem to help much, and I feel as though I’m burdening him, being a weight or running the risk of sounding like a nag. I know that’s probably the least attractive feature.
My partner works a very strenuous job, all day and Into the night most days a week, trying to get ahead in this day and age is a challenge, and a lot of our problems are logistical, but it doesn’t help the emotional problems. Most days I feel as though asking for something will be too much, I am habitually a people pleaser and I’m having a hard time knowing how and what is appropriate to ask for. There is also an underlying piece of wanting my partner to want me, with clues and cues that “hey I’m here, I’m interested, I want to share time with him, and love you” instead of having to directly ask, I know a lot of that comes from insecurity and the shock of change.
There is then the matter of respecting my partners BF’s needs and boundaries and making sure he feels safe and loved as well, having been invited into our home I want him to feel equally as important and appreciated and loved as anyone else -as we all deserve. I absolutely hate it when my monogamist side rears her ugly head, the jealousy, fear, codependency, because I know that is just a cause of the environment I was raised in rather than my true loving heart.
Do you think this will work itself out? Do I need to make sure my needs are met in the beginning of all this and be more open with my communication? DOES the insecurity and fear eventually fade out? And is it normal to not be intimate with your primary when they’ve found someone else?
This is very new to all of us, and I’ve read countless blogs and articles on polyamory, the mistakes that can happen, what to watch out for, etc etc, but I have yet to read about someone who’s been the female in a MMF V the way it works for us.
If anything I’m looking for some guidance/support. I am alone most of the day with a little one being a stay at home mom and it gives my head too much time to spin, worry, become jealous and insecure. I have been prioritizing my health, painting, belly dancing, mental health, spirituality, and sexuality on my own as best as I can, alone. However I know what I really seek is to be loved and valued and cared for the way I treat others. I love my partner dearly, and I don’t see leaving to be an option emotionally, or logistically even for some breathing room which I initially thought might be good for all of us. Financially that can’t happen at this time in our lives.
Any advice would be lovely.
Thank you dear ones,
Love and blessings and happiness to you