New Poly V (MMF) guidance and support appreciated

Livingwithlove

New member
Hello,
I’m so thankful this wonderful community exists. I’m seeking some experience and perhaps advice from those who have been in a polyamorous relationship for some time.
Please forgive me if I use the wrong terms I’m still unsure as to what definitions/labels I fall under with my V fam.
To give a short backstory, I’ve been with my partner for 6 years, I’m a young mom to our beautiful nearly 2 year old baby boy, and in May this year my partner proposed to me. Fast forward to July and my partner met a beautiful man and fell in love. There was a month long period of time where I was completely in the dark about this relationship however, and I think this is the cause for a lot of the pain and loss of trust I feel. I know a lot of poly family’s have a veto system, in a sense I feel a bit ripped of the right to make such a decision with my partner -but I’m wise enough to know that love happens when we least expect it, and for this reason I have a huge amount of compassion for my partner. When my partner first told me about this man and their relationship, I was extremely hurt, and angry. It took some time of sitting with it, talking to my partner, learning about this man, and eventually meeting him to fully come to the fact that I had to let my partner experience this, and follow his heart. In some senses I feel ripped of the relationship I thought we had, it has taken me about a month to realize this doesn’t necessarily change our relationship, you could say I’m still in a fair amount of shock/denial/acceptance. I go through each phase nearly daily. My partners boyfriend is now living with us. He is wonderful, kind, loving, extremely sensitive, wonderful with our son, and our son loves him in turn, our relationship remains platonic -friends-. It feels strange to say, but I feel as though my relationship with my partners boyfriend is more filled with love than my relationship with my primary. We’re both highly in tune with eachothers boundaries and I feel a huge amount of respect and gratitude for him because. I suppose I’m coming here to ask if this is normal? Has anyone experienced this within a MMF V, where the man is the connector, has anyone been “me” in this position before?
Part of living together makes me a bit uncomfortable, not because of my partners BF, moreso because as a mom to a toddler, I never have any alone time with my partner anymore. Sex has gone straight out the window longer than it’s ever gone before, and after recently stopping breastfeeding I feel as though that wild animal in me is alive with no where to run. know that NRE is probably a huge cause of this for my partner. I can’t help but feel left out and forgotten by my partner. I’ve voiced this, however he seems to be more concerned on his BF’s need for intimacy than mine. It hurts badly, especially after a long day with my little one, to need human adult connection and find he’s otherwise preoccupied. We’ve talked but it doesn’t seem to help much, and I feel as though I’m burdening him, being a weight or running the risk of sounding like a nag. I know that’s probably the least attractive feature.
My partner works a very strenuous job, all day and Into the night most days a week, trying to get ahead in this day and age is a challenge, and a lot of our problems are logistical, but it doesn’t help the emotional problems. Most days I feel as though asking for something will be too much, I am habitually a people pleaser and I’m having a hard time knowing how and what is appropriate to ask for. There is also an underlying piece of wanting my partner to want me, with clues and cues that “hey I’m here, I’m interested, I want to share time with him, and love you” instead of having to directly ask, I know a lot of that comes from insecurity and the shock of change.
There is then the matter of respecting my partners BF’s needs and boundaries and making sure he feels safe and loved as well, having been invited into our home I want him to feel equally as important and appreciated and loved as anyone else -as we all deserve. I absolutely hate it when my monogamist side rears her ugly head, the jealousy, fear, codependency, because I know that is just a cause of the environment I was raised in rather than my true loving heart.
Do you think this will work itself out? Do I need to make sure my needs are met in the beginning of all this and be more open with my communication? DOES the insecurity and fear eventually fade out? And is it normal to not be intimate with your primary when they’ve found someone else?
This is very new to all of us, and I’ve read countless blogs and articles on polyamory, the mistakes that can happen, what to watch out for, etc etc, but I have yet to read about someone who’s been the female in a MMF V the way it works for us.
If anything I’m looking for some guidance/support. I am alone most of the day with a little one being a stay at home mom and it gives my head too much time to spin, worry, become jealous and insecure. I have been prioritizing my health, painting, belly dancing, mental health, spirituality, and sexuality on my own as best as I can, alone. However I know what I really seek is to be loved and valued and cared for the way I treat others. I love my partner dearly, and I don’t see leaving to be an option emotionally, or logistically even for some breathing room which I initially thought might be good for all of us. Financially that can’t happen at this time in our lives.
Any advice would be lovely.
Thank you dear ones,
Love and blessings and happiness to you
 
Can you clarify the timeline for me? The way I read it, your partner met someone in July - i.e. less than 2 months ago - had a month-long affair - bringing the story to somewhere in August, and the new guy has now been living with you for a while as at Sept 1st. Is that correct? If so, that seems very fast to move a romantic interest in, even if your partner was single, childless, and living alone when the relationship started.
 
My concern/question is similar to Emm's, above.

I feel it is extremely premature to have already moved your meta into the family home at this early stage of your his and your partner's relationship.

Is there are particular reason you agreed to such a major change within your domestic sphere - or do you feel you were somewhat railroaded into it (i.e. coerced, emotionally manipulated or the like).

You don't specify whether or not you already knew your partner was bisexual; regardless, imho, this is a LOT to be expected to get your head around so quickly - a cheating affair with another man, the fact that they're in love and wish to pursue a relationship, and then moving the boyfriend into your space right away - and your partner is not being a very thoughtful hinge if he doesn't understand that.

Especially considering the fact that you have a two year old at home and get very little "me time" and one-on-one time with your partner, I think both your partner and his boyfriend are expecting too much of you to just accept all of this right away, without expressing feelings of resentment for the way this was sprung on you, and dissatisfaction with the quality/quantity of intimacy you're experiencing with your partner right now.

Surely you have barely even begun to process such major changes, yet you're being expected to simply roll with it.

Are you (and/or your partner) in counselling right now? Would you consider it? Have you discussed boundaries and come to any agreements about time-sharing, childcare, whether the relationship is "open" on your side now too?

What would you WANT to see happen here?

Do you think you could ask your partner to have his boyfriend move out, or at least stay somewhere other than your home, until you've been able to fully process what has happened and had the necessary discussions to ensure YOUR needs are going to be adequately met rather than neglected during this NRE phase and into the future?
 
Livingwithlove, honestly, you aren't expecting too MUCH; you're expecting too LITTLE.

There is NO WAY your metamour should have moved in so soon. You have a right to have your own space, and you needed the time and physical space to process all this, to make sure this is what you really want. You have nowhere to go with your insecurities, and your SO isn't helping.

If couples counseling is out of the question (I get the feeling your SO will find some excuse not to go), you might have the option of individual counseling. If money is an issue, present this to your SO as the very LEAST he can do to help you wrap your head around all these changes. If he still insists you can't afford it, that's a mighty strong sign about what priority he gives to your welfare.

Just curious; how much of the childcare does your SO attend to? Any? He seems to have found excused to duck out of childcare behind your back while he was having an affair.
 
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I agree with what others have said.

The only thing I will add is maybe your partner is homosexual not bisexual.
 
Had you and your partner talked about polyamory before all this happened? It is difficult to tell whether you came to it after he was cheating or if you’d discussed it before and he just didn’t tell you about starting this relationship and that is why you feel betrayed. Either way, he should have told you if you didn’t have an explicit DADT arrangement, but it makes a difference as to how you might be processing things now if you had previously had an expectation of monogamy or not. Particularly since he had just proposed in May.

Speaking of which, I agree with others that this is an insane timeline. I know I am victim to being blinded by my own NRE too, but your fiancé has let this get out of hand.

He proposed to you in May, started another relationship within a month or two, and moved said partner in within another month? That doesn’t sound super healthy for even a non-poly relationship, but under these circumstances it is downright bonkers.

My partners are both queer, but none of us are in a MMF relationship per se. (Glasses has a partner who is FTM trans, but he had lived as a woman for a long time so it’s not quite the same.) Is your metamour homosexual? If so, it might explain some of why your partner is so worried for your metamour’s intimate needs. A lot of gay men are leery of bisexual men because they worry that they will get left behind for a heterosexual relationship. Doesn’t excuse your partner’s decision to prioritize your metamour over you, but it might help you talk about it if you show that you understand some of the issues at play.
 
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I'm sorry you struggle. Hitting return a few times would help other readers get through your post so it is is not a wall of text. Then perhaps you would get more replies. (Just a tip.)

However I know what I really seek is to be loved and valued and cared for the way I treat others.

Are you getting that here -- being loved and valued and cared for? To me you sound taken for granted and neglected.

Are you aware you are TOO nice and TOO people pleaser? And how you treat others comes at the expense of your well being? Being too selfless is not a virtue. Seeking another selfless partner is not healthy. Like you neglect your own self care attending to others and you want a partner who will do same -- neglect their self care attending to you.

Is that really what you are after? Maybe I misunderstand.

I love my partner dearly, and I don’t see leaving to be an option emotionally, or logistically even for some breathing room which I initially thought might be good for all of us. Financially that can’t happen at this time in our lives.

I think you could try to find a way to do this.

Go stay with family or a friend for a weekend. Partner and BF can watch kid and you get a break from it all.

If partner proposed in May, met a guy in July and had an affair with him for a month while you were in the dark about it, then the guy moves in with all of you in August? You have had NO space to digest it all. And it makes the proposal look flimsy. How did he even move in? He just arrived one day? You were not a part of this decision?

Were you planning a long engagement? I hope so. Really this would all be reason to break the engagement and say "no, I don't want to marry you at this time."

I am concerned that your people pleasing nature is leading you astray. Also concerned your partner might be homosexual rather than bisexual, and you are caught up in that process of discovery this about himself. Is that happening?

Not to be rude, but was this baby unplanned? Is partner working like a dog and asking you to marry him to "do the right thing" when really he wants something else for his life? Is he discovering he's gay rather than bisexual? Have you guys had super honest conversations like that? This is what you could be doing during the Engagement time.

My partners boyfriend is now living with us. He is wonderful, kind, loving, extremely sensitive, wonderful with our son, and our son loves him in turn, our relationship remains platonic -friends-. It feels strange to say, but I feel as though my relationship with my partners boyfriend is more filled with love than my relationship with my primary. We’re both highly in tune with each others boundaries and I feel a huge amount of respect and gratitude for him because.

It's ok that the BF ends up treating you decent, but it's really sad that the BF you have known so short a time treats you better than partner you have known for years.

It's also sad that you feel a "huge amount of respect and gratitude" toward the BF just for "basic manners."

I don't know if partner lied to BF about having a fiancee and a kid, but it's pretty weird that BF is willing to move in with all of you after dating partner for just a few weeks/month. Being nice to you and the kid is the LEAST he could do. It's not worthy of "huge amount of respect and gratitude." Appreciate, sure. It's nice he's not an asshole. But HUGE?

Hon, you expect too little for yourself out of life.

This is all going TOO FAST. The BF could have said "Um, NO. Partner, sort out your life first." He could still say that and so could YOU.

You mention twice that you feel ripped off about not being able to say NO.

You still are able to say NO. Your consent belongs to you. You can say "No. This is not working for me like this. This is too much too fast. I cannot participate here like this. I need some things to change."

You can say "No, I don't want to marry you yet. (if at all.)"

You can say "No, I cannot deal with all of us living together so soon. When this lease is up (if a rental) we need to plan to change that around. I need to be in a space of my own."

You can say "No, I've done the SAHM gig for 2 years. I want a job now. We have to make other childcare arrangements."

Def do not get married until all this is sorted out. Def sort out your BC. Another child at this time would NOT be helpful.

As a SAHM you are vulnerable, but as a legally married SAHM it could be worse. Take steps to become a working mom so you have your OWN income, in case things DO become worse.

What is the living situation? Is this a house you own? A rental? What are your resources? Can you move in with family for a while?

Most of all... what would YOU like to happen? What would be your ideal? Do you even want to be in a V?

What did/do you want in your life?

Galagirl
 
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Thank you for the feedback,
It helps put this into perspective that my uneasy feelings, are not to be taken lightly the way I have.
To try and answer some of the questions here-


The timeline:
•My partner proposed in May, and I accepted

•Mid July I found out he had been seeing his BF for over a month prior my knowing (yes he did cheat, and actually becomes quite upset when I’ve wanted to talk about that -or express any anger or pain) I suppose THIS is why I feel ripped from a right to agree, or veto

•Beginning of August my metamour moves in with us, however the last that has been upsetting for me was this is how that happened - my partner asks his BF to come to spend a fay or two with us to see how we all are around eachother. So he does stay with us for three days. I ask my partner the beginning of week 2 “did you tell him it was ok for him to move him” -having toiletries in the bathroom, having paid for groceries, even my child’s diapers a few times- We had never had a conversation about my metamour actually moving in, however had offered him a place to stay when he needed it having a tumultuous living environment. My partners response to this was “I don’t know if he’s moved in would you like me to ask” in a snide way, as if I’m the one to cause an inconvenience.

During the transitionary period (of the minimal two weeks breathing room
I had before we were all living together) I told my partner, in my heart and my gut this is not what I would have chosen for myself sharing a life with another person that he loves, suggesting for them to live out on their own. I even found some more affordable options as I have deeply considered and still am getting a job across the way (we live in downtown of a small town) and our location makes sense for me to stay in, because I don’t drive (fear of vehicles) and can easily go shopping for the home on foot. My partners resisted this every conversation we have had, stating they cannot afford it.
I feel if I’m being a decent human the right thing would be to let my metamour stay with us, while they figure out how to get into a place of their own. And I think this is the conversation I need to have with my partner. Just yesterday he expressed finally that he understands me feelings are unsure and uneasy; and he “doesn’t know what to do about that”.

I’ve expreased my fears as well as my acceptance of my partner potentially being homosexual, though I cannot tell if he is in denial, or if he is genuine when he says he loves us both, for the words he says make a me believe entirely he feels love and wants a relationship with me, however his actions state that he is utterly in love bordering enthralled with his new partner (NRE?)


It bothers me that there is no physical confirmation that intimately he is still interested in me, and after all the talks we’ve had about this, he hasn’t come to any solution as to how we get alone time. I feel like his hesitation is that he doesn’t want his new partner to be uncomfortable. My metamour is most certainly homo, and I have even talked to him about my thoughts on wether this is a finding and coming out for my partner or not.

To answer another question I feel and FEAR the main reason my partner does not wish to move out is because he rarely gets time with his son accept for when he has some time in between shifts to see him, and I’m the early mornings. For my partner being a dad is near everything for him, and I think that he doesn’t wish the seperate our child’s living environment and be split for that reason. Again something he’s given me little to no reassurance on.

It has been hard for me at this time to sort out the confusion, and many mixed signals I’ve gotten and feel for myself. I know there is some major breakthrough that needs to happen -for one no I am not currently happy in this position, and two wether we stay together (engaged, and yes a long engagement is what has been planned) or not, some separation certainly feels like the right answer to me. I would imagine is is hard for my partner as well, figuring out who he is, while living with us both and not knowing precisely what he wants for his life.

Thank you for the feedback, the help, and the tips. I would love more than anything to find a poly friendly councilor I’m our area, tho my partner has always been resistant to counseling of any kind, perhaps that would be an option. Are there resources through this site to help find one perhaps?

Thank you kindly,
-F
 
NRE = new relationship energy; the feelings of uncontrollable excitement and connection that come at the start of a new relationship. It sounds like your partner has it bad

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It is kind of you to be understanding of what your partner is experiencing as he figured out who he is and what he wants out of life.

But it seems clear that you know what YOU want and what you want out of life and it isn’t this. Your partner — whether he is blinded by NRE or worried about getting time with his son or whatever — isn’t treating you well and that needs to be addressed.

As far as resources, what country do you live in? Counseling resources are primarily location-based.

Have you done reading on this? The book More Than Two might be a good place for you and your partner to start. There is a chapter on polyamory after cheating that might help your partner understand the trust that he needs to rebuild if he wants to continue to be with you.
 
Mid July I found out he had been seeing his BF for over a month prior my knowing (yes he did cheat, and actually becomes quite upset when I’ve wanted to talk about that -or express any anger or pain) I suppose THIS is why I feel ripped from a right to agree, or veto

Beginning of August my metamour moves in with us, however the last that has been upsetting for me was this is how that happened - my partner asks his BF to come to spend a fay or two with us to see how we all are around eachother. So he does stay with us for three days. I ask my partner the beginning of week 2 “did you tell him it was ok for him to move him” -having toiletries in the bathroom, having paid for groceries, even my child’s diapers a few times- We had never had a conversation about my metamour actually moving in, however had offered him a place to stay when he needed it having a tumultuous living environment. My partners response to this was “I don’t know if he’s moved in would you like me to ask” in a snide way, as if I’m the one to cause an inconvenience.

It probably goes without saying, but I have to point out that this behaviour on the part of your partner is the height of disrespect!

In fact, I'd say it's downright cruel to expect you - his fiancée and mother of the child you share - to not only forgive the cheating affair, but within TWO SHORT WEEKS expect you to accept and welcome a complete stranger (the cheating partner, no less :( ) into your family home... without even a discussion. And THEN to act as if HE is the one being hard done by when you "dare" to ask whether or not he offered for his boyfriend to move in permanently. :mad:

This is YOUR life, and YOUR home. Your safe space. The place where you raise your small child. You do NOT have to accept this situation.

And, frankly, as nice as you say the boyfriend is... it's unfathomable to me why he'd expect to be welcomed into your home so soon, after (most likely) knowingly being an accessory to your partner's cheating on you. That is just rude.
 
Move out ASAP.

This situation in not going to get better anytime soon.
 
Re (from Livingwithlove),
"I would love more than anything to find a poly friendly counselor in our area, though my partner has always been resistant to counseling of any kind, perhaps that would be an option. Are there resources through this site to help find one perhaps?"

Resources for finding poly-friendly counselors/therapists:

If you can't find a poly-familiar therapist, but can find an open-minded therapist, ask them to read, "What Psychology Professionals Should Know about Polyamory," a 36-page booklet by Geri Weitzman, Ph.D., Joy Davidson, Ph.D., and Robert A. Phillips, Jr., Ph.D.

And I just want to say, it's not okay for your partner to neglect and disrespect you in the way he has been doing. NRE may be one of the reasons, but it is not an excuse. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need. The way he responds to your requests will say (and does say) something about whether he cares about you.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
To me these are red flags.

  • Mid July I found out he had been seeing his BF for over a month prior my knowing (yes he did cheat, and actually becomes quite upset when I’ve wanted to talk about that -or express any anger or pain)

  • Beginning of August my metamour moves in with us, however the last that has been upsetting for me was this is how that happened

  • We had never had a conversation about my metamour actually moving in.

  • My partners response to this was “I don’t know if he’s moved in would you like me to ask” in a snide way, as if I’m the one to cause an inconvenience.

  • I told my partner, in my heart and my gut this is not what I would have chosen for myself sharing a life with another person that he loves, suggesting for them to live out on their own

  • I even found some more affordable options as I have deeply considered and still am getting a job across the way (we live in downtown of a small town) and our location makes sense for me to stay in, because I don’t drive (fear of vehicles) and can easily go shopping for the home on foot. My partners resisted this every conversation we have had, stating they cannot afford it.

  • I cannot tell if he is in denial, or if he is genuine when he says he loves us both, for the words he says make a me believe entirely he feels love and wants a relationship with me, however his actions state that he is utterly in love bordering enthralled with his new partner (NRE?)

  • It bothers me that there is no physical confirmation that intimately he is still interested in me, and after all the talks we’ve had about this, he hasn’t come to any solution as to how we get alone time.

None of that behavior says "I'm an engaged man besotted with my fiancee" to me. Some of it just NOT respectful! When you get mixed messages and the talk doesn't match the actions? Believe the actions. Sometimes talk is just a load of hot air.

This one?

  • To answer another question I feel and FEAR the main reason my partner does not wish to move out is because he rarely gets time with his son accept for when he has some time in between shifts to see him, and I’m the early mornings. For my partner being a dad is near everything for him, and I think that he doesn’t wish the seperate our child’s living environment and be split for that reason. Again something he’s given me little to no reassurance on.

That's a flimsy excuse to me to keep you where you are at. Pulling at your mother's heart strings. Like you would be the "bad guy" if you remove the child from the father's home.

When really? I think a mother could remove herself and child from home if the father has cheated and moved in his cheating partner, and is mean/disrespectful to the mother and kinda meh on the son. Like talking all "I'm a doting dad" talk but in actions? What doting father brings this kind of drama into the home? :confused:

You can move out yourself and take son. If he wants to see son, he will make the time and effort come over since he wants so much to be a doting dad. Well... dote then.

Two grown adult men can figure out rent if you can figure it out as a grown woman.

I notice how all along he treats you pretty bad until you get louder about them moving out. Then it becomes "some concern but no answers (aka: no actual changes)"

I worry it's not real concern for you but concern he might lose access to your services. Whatever work you contribute -- laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, childcare, bill paying, etc -- that would "go away" if you moved out.

The Engagement Time is supposed to be when the couple is at one of its most lovey-dovey places while they consider deep compatibility and making a greater committment to each other.

He cheated right after proposing. What kind of business is that? And doesn't even want to do counseling to repair that.

So I don't see him doing the work of premarital classes to do the serious work of the Engagement time, hon. Or seeing a poly counselor (even if you found one) to do the work of practicing poly WELL rather than all wonky.

I would vote "no confidence" that he does MORE work. Why? From his POV his set up might be just fine. He's got his lover and his kid and the kid's mom doing work in the home. This isn't ethical poly to me. This is you being railroaded. And maybe being keeping you around not because he loves you, but because he loves the services you provide. :(

Painful as it is to consider? I think you are on your own here. :(

I know there is some major breakthrough that needs to happen -for one no I am not currently happy in this position, and two wether we stay together (engaged, and yes a long engagement is what has been planned) or not, some separation certainly feels like the right answer

Since you are not happy in this situation? This is not the life you would pick for you? Well, start picking what you WOULD pick for you. A lot of people are engaged and do not live together yet. This is not unheard of.

If you want some separation and some breathing room? Move out to live in flat of your own nearby with son. SUPER LONG engagement if you decide to still be engaged.

Let his actions speak.

He will either step it up and visit son. And he will step it up to do right by you -- counseling for the cheating. AND taking premarital classes online with you, at a house of worship, extension office or similar to do the real work of Engagement Time. AND his fair share of the coparenting while living separately. AND poly counselor if this is to be an Open/Poly marriage once married.

Then you can see better if this is a serious life partner.

Or you learn he's a flake who is "all talk, no show" who continues with drama. Maybe you decide you are best off NOT marrying him and tying yourself to him further. Maybe you like your new little home being drama free.

Stop talking to the BF so much about your problems and private life. If he just moves in like that with no discussion? He shows up for a visit and simply overstays and def facto moves in? I'm not sure he's actually nice. Who does that? :confused:

If it is hard for you to sort out the confusion, and many mixed signals you get? You might look into individual counseling for just YOU even though partner has always been resistant to counseling of any kind. YOU need extra support. And perhaps hearing it from a professional help clarify things -- that things in this dynamic are just too weird and hinky and that it is not a healthy environment for you OR son.

I cannot imagine that you want son watching this and growing up thinking this is how you are supposed to treat people/one's partners. So he goes on to treat his future partners like this or WORSE. Or that this is acceptable behavior to receive from a partner. So he accepts this or WORSE from his future partners. :(

Galagirl
 
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•My partner proposed in May, and I accepted

Everyone else brought up good points, so I'll only address this ginormous red flag. You two conceived a child together and it took you both three years after that to decide to commit to making your union legal. What's up with that? If all was fine before, what was the holdup? I ask not in judgement, but in encouragement for you to look at your part in this situation. People who are secure in their desire for commitment do not hang around with people who are fearful of commitment. Why are you with a partner who hesitated to form a marriage with you and the child and then cheated immediately after he did and then immediately moved in his BF without one consultation with you? You can put the blame on him or you can ask yourself, "Why do I choose this man?" Because you still seem to want him despite all of this.





I feel as though my relationship with my partners boyfriend is more filled with love than my relationship with my primary. ....I never have any alone time with my partner anymore. Sex has gone straight out the window longer than it’s ever gone before, and after recently stopping breastfeeding I feel as though that wild animal in me is alive with no where to run. ....he seems to be more concerned on his BF’s need for intimacy than mine. ....is it normal to not be intimate with your primary when they’ve found someone else?

"Normal" doesn't matter. Your life is what matters. Whether this is "poly" doesn't matter. Your life is what matters.
Read those words again, the words that you wrote. Is this the life that you want? We live in an amazing time in history, when people do not have to remain in bondage to an unhappy situation just because they happened to make a baby together. Do you really want to struggle yourself into a "poly" setup just because the father of your child decides to take on a live-in boyfriend? What about you? Is this the life that you want?
 
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Breakthrough

I and my partner are really thankful for all the advice, insight and knowledge you have shared. We had multiple VERY open conversationsabout our Opening, and the living situation and boundaries after looking at some other people’s stories as well, and it really helped shift my mental and emotional state, and lead to a breakthrough in the household.

Although my meta won’t be leaving our house, and I am adjusting for the time being. my partner has told me his regrets and feelings of guilt about our opening; both in agreement we really had no idea what we were doing, and even I have half the weight In not being more proactive about my needs/desires/outlook on bringing another soul into our home, as clearly communicating what I needed in the transition period. It lead to a lot of misunderstandings, me wanting to act “cooler” with everything than I really was feeling, out of fear of loosing my partner.

We discussed how our previous state of monogamy -which I have in the past few years become very attached to the idea of that- closed us in a box made by fear and both of us have suppressed the need to really connect with other people even on just a friendship level. I’m definetly coming out of feeling monogamously brainwashes in a sense, and my mantra for the time being is “to love is to set ourselves free”

And how beautiful I might add that setting myself and my partner free from a preconceived idea of what a relationship could/should look like, does not mean cutting off that relationship, only cultivating it in an entirely new light.

We have made the agreement, and come to full understanding that I may peacefully seperate with my partners help (while remaining engaged, and very much apart of eachothers life) if living together does not feel right to me in the next few days-weeks to come. We have made peace, and as well as hearing my feelings, acknowledging and accepting them with love and grace I might add, my partner opened the discussion with his BF while we were all together so we’re all on the same page and there are no eggshells in the home. We all had a breakthrough, and openly discussed our fears, negative feelings, quickly jumping into this, and agreement to try again but this time really focusing on eachothers comfort, and boundaries.

The parts some of you have shared about railroading definetly has rung true, and it r and really made a difference for my partner to hear that perspective and get an outside look on how I have been feeling- and what needs to change if this is to work in any way-living together or not.

My partner has made it abundantly clear, being bisexual is entirely where he stands and even voiced what some of you folks have said, about wanting to make sure his BF felt comfortable since he IS bi, and his BF identifies as homosexual. The term NRE is probably the most common word in the house right now, and has even become something we laugh over, knowing “oh there it is, and I understand”

My partner made his feelings for me clear to his BF, his intentions with us living together, hoping it can truly be one big happy family, but knowing if any of us have feelings or pain we cannot get past, we have made our boundaries clear and decided to act with peace to figure out another living situation that benefits all.

After browsing some threads and watching countless videos, I made a list of my boundaries, my fears, and my desires and my partner was actually eager and excited to here what I want and need from him, and from opening our relationship.

It was quite a beautiful breakthrough, and I feel a heavy weight has been lifted. Progress to love MORE, to listen more, and go in the direction of my needs was made so abundantly clear. I think the other crucial and lacking piece was I hadn’t pinpointed and stated WHAT my needs were, or my desires, and I let this get too out of my comfort zone with the people pleasing tendency. My god did it feel good to state what I need and be heard and accepted and loved in the process.

I wonder has anyone ever created a written agreement, almost like vows something sacred where you write your vows, and boundaries to eachother? When it comes to opening. I feel as though that would be a positive and beautiful thing to create together in these beginning stages.

Though I cannot say all my hesitation and pain is gone, I feel immensely relieved my partner was the one to bring up the conversation, and ask to read the advice and help I was seeking to better understand where I’ve been coming from-since he’s been slightly blinded by NRE BAD. At first I was worried he would take offense to feeling like the “bad guy” but he surprised me in the greatest way, and was humble and kind and compassionate towards all I’ve voiced here, and the feedback given.
I thank you all for your support, candid advice and perspectives, you’ve helped us immensely and it means the world to our family.

I will be posting updates and a formal introduction as time goes on for anyone interested to see where our story leads.

Thank you, infinitely
Many blessings
 
We have made the agreement, and come to full understanding that I may peacefully seperate with my partners help (while remaining engaged, and very much apart of eachothers life) if living together does not feel right to me in the next few days-weeks to come.

What changed to suddenly make this affordable? :confused:

I think the other crucial and lacking piece was I hadn’t pinpointed and stated WHAT my needs were, or my desires, and I let this get too out of my comfort zone with the people pleasing tendency. My god did it feel good to state what I need and be heard and accepted and loved in the process.

Could learn from that and learn to do your self care FIRST so you are operating from a full tank of gas. THEN you can gift your help to others in meeting their rational and reasonable needs or requests.

I wonder has anyone ever created a written agreement, almost like vows something sacred where you write your vows, and boundaries to eachother?

Doesn't matter what other other people do in their groupings. If that's what you want to do over there in your grouping? Get your agreements written down clearly.

At first I was worried he would take offense to feeling like the “bad guy” but he surprised me in the greatest way, and was humble and kind and compassionate towards all I’ve voiced here, and the feedback given. I thank you all for your support, candid advice and perspectives, you’ve helped us immensely and it means the world to our family.

Then I will hope he continues to step it up with his responsibilities and you continue to step it up about voicing your concerns/needs and not just "people pleaser" kinda floating along.

I hope all of you all continue to do the work of healing. I hope things turn out as you hope in the end.

Galagirl
 
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Double posting, so sorry.

I just thought I needed to share as well, the word consent is the second most used word in the house right now. I think there have been too many times in the past, living monogamously that I didn’t prioritize my consent and therefore forgot about that crucial piece of self respect and boundary setting.

Just last night we talked for hours about what consent looks like, all together infact, especially when it comes to “changing of heart or mind” with consent. A boundary is a boundary, and a personal one too (as in if this is too much for me I have the right to be the one to say, I bow out)

Constantly checking in, communicating needs, and following through on past made agreements to honor one another -crucial. But acknowledging that consent may change, and relating/communicating and honoring one another is the only way this has a chance of working. I think I talked about consent for two hours straight, what it means to me, and how it is the ultimate respect, and most definetly a critical part for me. Voicing my voice and knowing I have every right to do so honestly!

I shared with my partner that having alone time with him is crucial for me. And my partner was the one to suggest our first two date nights, and making it a weekly must., especially in this time of NRE I especially need to know I am working on our relationship in a new light, and moreso that my partner prioritizes it too. He has never been the normal date night kinda guy, and I can tell he’s genuinely excited and relieved even to have some adult -partner- time together, which we had completely abandoned after having a child. I don’t remember the last time we went on a date together!

For those of you wondering as well, we did not think we could have a child and had taken many testings to find out what our issues with fertility were in the past. My partner has always wanted children, and as soon as I started getting the baby fever, we tried to no luck. It’s been in my family that woman have a hard time conceiving, so In a sense our son wasn’t planned at the same time we were mentally prepared.
Furthermore we were self employed artists at the time, traveling the country, and decided to drop business, move to a cheaper location and just have a “normal” life, where my partner worked and I got to stay home and raise our son.

I think it’s fair to say both our free souls got lost in the process, and that has taken some time -perhaps this is the perfect catalyst to refund and ignite that!- to feel even remotely like ourselves again.


As a last note, we had actually been engaged two years prior to this engagement, however there had never been a real ring involved due to moving across the country, and being in a bad financial place for awhile before our son was born. There was a ring it just wasn’t genuine. It just got put off, after becoming parents. In fact I had my fair part to play in pushing my partner away, with the postpartum depression and confusion of being a young mother, I got very frigid for awhile.

I hope that helps give a bit more backstory, about us and our family.

Thank you once again.
 
What changed to suddenly make this affordable? :confused:

I opened up the conversation about needing to step back from SAHM life; and find my independence with everything going on in our lives. My partner has reworked his schedule so I can do work to support myself and have a safety net-the job he works is very seniority status based and he was finally able to get the hours we need to make this happen. Part time work, however that gives me freedom, and gives my partner time to spend with our son which he’s been lacking and missing having missed a lot of his little baby days. So no matter what happens, if worst case scenario does happen, I’m well taken care of for myself, and our son as well.

I’m hoping to stay as optimistic as I can, however I know I’ll go through more as this levels out and we figure out how our grouping looks. I cannot honestly say I am without hesitation, but the one thing I do feel is that if being heard, accepted and acknowledged and that has been a major shift. I know atleast for myself I will not stop doing the work I need to do, to be honest, to be candid, and blunt -avoiding the people pleasing side-as that is certainly half of what made everything very muddy to begin with.

If it’s clear, and honest and respected, I dont see how I could have a problem adapting and changing to living poly. And I am hoping that whatever the outcome, I am a more well rounded, free, honest and kind person through this major life change.
 
Thanks to everyone

I just had to say thank you again to everyone who’s helped me out here, and given sound advice. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to shed some light on something I don’t really know that much about.

I truly feel like had it not been for this thread, I and my partner specifically would not have come to resolve, and mutual understanding-growth. I’ve learned a lot about myself through sharing how I’ve acted, and getting feedback, and I know for a fact my partner got a lot out of hearing from people who have BEEN in multiple committed relationships. Sharing this forum with him sparked something, a need to connect, be more open with me, and perhaps even gave him real truthful insights on where he is right now emotionally and mentally.

Your words, and truths, red flags, and advice has given us a path. The path not to follow, and the path to follow to not just make this work but to find happiness within that.

I believe in my heart and gut that nothing is lost if all parties have the same goal in mind- you’ve helped me pinpoint that goal for myself, and also a lot of you made it abundantly clear I NEED to prioritize myself here Critically and listen to those gut feelings; which is a breath of fresh air.

Thank you
 
I'm glad you're feeling so much better about all this. We all have to do what we need as individuals to find happiness.

Part of me is still caught way back on, he cheated on you and then moved in his other partner without even discussing things. I'm not sure how you can be happy going from that to this... but I'm not you.

I just hope you're actually dealing with your own thoughts and feelings and not suppressing them in a desire to keep status quo/please your partner. And I really hope that they continue to listen to you and not just pay lip service to doing so.
 
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