Guilt!

redpepper

Active member
Does anyone ever have any guilt about their poly happiness, whether it be over wanting a partner more sometimes than the other, about being so content with their situation, about not having the same amount of time as you once had for other people in your life,....Anything really,,,, anyone?
 
I unfortunately can't answer this one well, I don't do the guilt thing as my mother raised me never to feel guilty over something that makes me happy just to learn from any mistakes that happen, if any do, and try not to make the same mistakes over again. (I'm hoping that didn't sound snooty :rolleyes: )
 
Does anyone ever have any guilt about their poly happiness, whether it be over wanting a partner more sometimes than the other, about being so content with their situation, about not having the same amount of time as you once had for other people in your life,....Anything really,,,, anyone?


I cant say that I do right now. But Im not "living my poly happiness" as such yet.

Ask me again in 6 months. ;)
 
No.
 
I did in the V. At first. At the end I mourned openly and let my hubby hold me while I cried, guilt free. I'd probably feel guilty for something or other should a new relationship start. But I'm sure I'd work through it.

(Redpepper what are you avoiding doing today? I see alot of posts by you. I tend to post alot when avoiding chores. lol ;) )
 
MY guilt resides in how happy and secure I am within our relationship. As I get more comfortable and secure I get hit by waves of feeling I am taking away something from your husband. Seeing you both together and spending time as a group sedates this feeling. Our group "family" time is very important to my feeling like a positive.

I also experience guilt in my not being open to you exploring intimate relationships with other men even though this is currently not an issue. I'm not talking deep friendships, which we both know is an issue within the traditionally mono world, but sexual relationships. To ease this I focus on the level of commitment I am offering over the long haul. I also remind myself that I am not asking you to become monogamous by any means, but am asking you to be polyfidelous within our life with regards to your men. We don't know what will happen in the future or how we will each change, but as it is now, this is what I need to be healthy and move forward so I am willing to suffer a little guilt in this area:)
 
I feel some guilt when people are jealous of what I have. I'm not sure why that is as I have worked damned hard and am a really good judge of character when picking people to be in my life.

I feel guilt that my parents don't know as I know they suspect something. I am torturing them I think. I'm sure they think that I am having an affair and that Mono is around because he wants to take me away from my family.

I feel guilty that I am so in love with Mono some days that I just want to be with him and don't want to go home.

I feel guilty that I am so in love with my husband some days and don't want to leave the house.

I feel guilty that I even think that I can add anyone else to my crazy life and that I will still have time for the ones I hold near and dear right now. They will all have to adjust for me... I hate that.

I feel guilty that I am too busy to clean the house so my husband does it.

I feel guilty that I have little time for my art.

Shall I go on.

I grew up in a family with a mother that martyred herself. She felt a lot of guilt and has nicely passed it on to me... thanks Mom!
 
I feel guilty that I am so in love with my husband some days and don't want to leave the house.

I feel guilty that I even think that I can add anyone else to my crazy life and that I will still have time for the ones I hold near and dear right now. They will all have to adjust for me... I hate that.

Never feel guilty for being so in love with your husband..ever.

No one has to do anything for anyone...this is a relationship, not a trap. We will all do what it takes to be healthy regardless of the adaptations to our relationship. The key is maintaining a healthy connection in whatever form the relationship takes over time.
 
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No guilt here, but then again, that "poly happiness" remains elusive.
 
"poly happiness" remains elusive.

I don't have it either honestly. Poly doesn't make me happy, my relationship with Redpepper and her family does. Poly is simply is an enabler for me; one that has taught me a lot and gives me the opportunity to love an amazing woman and her family.
 
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Well, when I mean "poly happiness" I suppose it's just referring to having that kind of love in my life. It remains elusive at the moment.
 
I too, was raised by a great catholic mother with the mother of all martyr complexes....if I only had a nickel for every item she's offered up for the Lord.......I simply refuse to feel guilty, about anything. I see only pain, sufferring and hurtful emotions arising from it. Sorry, life's too short. Man's continuing affliction for imparting guilt on fellow man (and women) is way too traumatic for my life anymore......
 
I grew up in a family with a mother that martyred herself. She felt a lot of guilt and has nicely passed it on to me... thanks Mom!

Hey, man - don't be a slave to your upbringing! Although I can't talk because I have allowed the way my mom 'was' to dictate the way I 'am' - but I strive to acknowledge those things every day, every time I do them and slowly change them.

As far as I can tell, you have nothing to feel guilty about. But if you feel strongly that you should feel guilt then perhaps some deep thought (or meditation if you are into that sort of thing) will bring to light what the REAL issue is.

What is guilt, anyway? The feeling that we have done something wrong. Have you done anything Wrong? And what, specifically? Did it affect anyone or do you just Think it did/might?

About feeling guilty for being happy - that is SILLY!! Stop it!! You have every right to be happy doing whatever you are doing. If someone else has a problem with it (YES even a loved one) and wishes you to change, then THEY should feel guilty for expecting you to become UNhappy for them.
 
yes thank you Nyx!

My guilt comes and goes.... I was feeling particularly guilty when I asked that...

not so much now.

I have definitely noticed it comes up more when my self esteem is low and I don't have enough energy to make everything work... usually due to lack of sleep.

I laughed at your comment about your mum offering stuff to the lord Mark! Ha Ha! You live with her too no? She would be in quite a state I would think if she knew what goes on under the very roof she lives under!
 
Yes RP....Firstly, I don't think she be able to comprehend the idea in any way, then I think she'd stroke out! I can't do that to her. We'll just muddle along with her for as many years as she has left.
 
I simply refuse to feel guilty, about anything. I see only pain, sufferring and hurtful emotions arising from it. Sorry, life's too short. Man's continuing affliction for imparting guilt on fellow man (and women) is way too traumatic for my life anymore......

Actually, I think genuine guilt is a useful and sometimes necessary thing. If we've done something wrong or really hurt someone through our actions, guilt is what lets us know and guides us along to repairing the wrongs we've done. If somebody did major harm to me or my heart and didn't feel any guilt or remorse over it, I would seriously question their character. However, I don't think it's anything anyone should be imparting on anyone else. I'm not going to try to "guilt" anybody that hurt me. That's for them to deal with. I'll just choose to keep the company of people who are good instead.

So if I'm feeling guilty, I usually look for something in my life that needs taking care of. If I can't find anything, I know that guilt is just me flogging myself for no good reason and I can let that feeling go. But sometimes, if I look long and hard, I can find something unexpected- a loose end with somebody, a pattern of not being in right relationship with some people. That guilt's gonna stay there till I deal with the causes of it.

Guilt should only be reserved for the real things that call for it and when it does show up, I'm inclined to listen to it. But it shouldn't just sit there inside us. It should be a signal to take care of things and then let go.
 
Ceoli, you quoted me out of context...if you read the rest of my post it has to do with man imparting guilt onto fellow man....not a good situation and one that I won't participate in.
 
What was the additional context that I missed? You said that you refused to feel guilty about anything, not just the guilt that's imparted on you. That doesn't mean I didn't read the rest of the post. There was nothing in your post that suggested a separation between imparted guilt and guilt that stems from one's own actions. I posted to clarify that in my view, there is indeed a difference. I quoted you because it was relative to that idea, that's all.

Either way, they were just general thoughts I have around guilt. I feel people sometimes spend too much time shielding themselves from "negative" emotions rather than looking at the lessons than can be learned from them.
 
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