About dating a couple

Ignea

New member
Hey everyone,
I think I need some advice. Really need it, actually.

So, I'm a 23 cisgendered bisexual female who has been dating this couple (a man and a woman) for about six months. They are amazing and treat me really well, but...
Here is the deal: when I met them, I was told that they weren't really poly, that just received "visitors" every now and then. Back then that was OK for me and was more then eager to go to bed with them. Mostly beacuse I had never been in love and didn't really think that this could happen in a situation like that.
Only we continued seeing each other frequently, we became friends and I fell for them.
Now I really don't know what to do. We never really talked about what is going on between the three of us and I am deadly scared that if I say anything about how I feel they will tell me they won't want to see me anymore. I keep trying to read between the lines of what they do or say and that is really driving me crazy!
(And, yes, most of the time I feel pathetic and with the emotional level of a 13 year old.)
Any tips on how to aproach the subject?
 
If they'd kick you to the curb for having feelings about them, well, would that really be a situation you'd want to stay in?

I was actually in kind of a similar position a couple of years back. I'd been hooking up with my two friends, Gia and Eric (see subject line). After the first few months, Gia brought up the fact that she thought of her and me as girlfriends (talk about being direct!) but clarified that Eric was not looking for an emotional relationship. This was cool with me at first but I began to develop feelings for him. It started to really bug me that he and I had never talked directly about it but I didn't know how to bring it up.

Finally, I who wrote him a very long email about communication in our friendship and how I wanted to make sure that he and I could speak freely about anything, like for example sex stuff -- I'd kind of like to get it rougher now and then! -- or feelings -- I didn't know firsthand where we stood on the subject of feelings! So, I sort of hid "I'm hella into you" in there as an implication along with other things. He seemed to get the message because he wrote back a very clear email where he addressed all my points -- sure, rougher sex is cool! -- and explained in no uncertain terms his lack of desire for a romantic relationship -- on the subject of feelings, we stand firmly in the land of friendship!

So that was that. Normally in cases of unrequited feelings I'd just remove myself from the situation -- best way to get over it is to distance yourself. But that would have severely impacted my relationship with his wife -- she has anxiety issues and, at the time, felt much more comfortable opening up sexually with him there, plus they're just together a lot generally. So, I stuck it out, kept reminding myself over and over that he'd said "no", started dating someone else (Davis, see subject line) in addition to Gia... not as a way to get over Eric, but it did help... and now I actually can just see him as a close, sexy friend and not get emo about it.

Um, I'm not sure if that story was helpful but it just started coming out? Sorry if it's not super relevant. Anyway, I would be direct with them (sit them down for a conversation) if you can bring yourself to be brave enough to do so, or semi-direct (email them and imply there might be a feelings conversation to be had) if you can't. And if it's just going to cause you heartache to be around them if they really do just want sex, I would step away, start seeing them less. There are other individuals and other couples who WILL be willing to do something deeper with you.

They might need some time to talk this over amongst themselves, so if you do choose to go the direct route you could still consider bringing it up in a light way to start and not having the full conversation right then. If they're not totally oblivious and you're fairly straightforward chances are good they will pick up on what you're saying and discuss it in private, and then potentially be more prepared and less freaked out when you guys have the "real" talk. If that makes sense. In complicated situations like these often people don't know what to say because they doing know exactly how they feel, they need time to process.

It might also help to be clear on what you're asking. What would dating mean to you? Social outings that don't involve sex? Hand holding? Confessions of tender feelings? Or just the openness to knowing that these things could potentially happen? That's what I'd be going for, is the openness to know that it's ok if you have feelings and even show them, and that there's some level of interest in reciprocating on their part, rather then anything specific. Social outings, aka dates, are fun too. :D

Good general thoughts for your situation here: www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html

Good luck!!!
 
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Thanks for the answer!
Actually, your story was pretty helpful! Since we have been going in a sort of BDSM path lately I could totally e-mail them talking about these sort of things and including something about feelings in the middle. (If you don´t mind me coping you. rs).

Other thing your post made me realize is that... I think what I just need is to be able to express really. Because you see, the whole Social outings that don't involve sex and Hand holding stuff... we already do that.

Thank You!
 
Haha, stealing my brilliant plan! Yes! Let us know how it goes!!

PS - BDSM threesomes ftmfw.
 
Is the cisgendered thing important for a reason I'm missing?

A relationship with a couple is actually three relationships: A relationship with each partner, and then your relationship with the couple. I'd suggest going out and just saying what's on your mind - If one or both says they're not seeking a romantic relationship with you, better to know it now than let this just go nowhere and then be terribly disappointed when reality hits.
 
......... Mostly beacuse I had never been in love and didn't really think that this could happen in a situation like that.......
(And, yes, most of the time I feel pathetic and with the emotional level of a 13 year old.)
Ignea......be gentle with yourself, please. :) If you haven't been in love before you wouldn't necessarily know what to expect, much less in a more non-traditional relationship.
 
Is the cisgendered thing important for a reason I'm missing?

A relationship with a couple is actually three relationships: A relationship with each partner, and then your relationship with the couple. I'd suggest going out and just saying what's on your mind - If one or both says they're not seeking a romantic relationship with you, better to know it now than let this just go nowhere and then be terribly disappointed when reality hits.

Ahn... Not really? I guess I just spend too much time in tumblr where it's common for people to introduce themselves like this.
Is it a problem somehow? (Like, does it make people uncomfortable or something?)

Yeah, I know it's better to say something... Been trying to gather the courage, tough. It's HOW to say something that is disturbing me right now.
 
Ahn... Not really? I guess I just spend too much time in tumblr where it's common for people to introduce themselves like this.
Is it a problem somehow? (Like, does it make people uncomfortable or something?)

Yeah, I know it's better to say something... Been trying to gather the courage, tough. It's HOW to say something that is disturbing me right now.

I don't speak for everyone, but the majority of people are cisgendered, and I've never seen the word outside of the context of trans issues. (No, the majority of people here are not made uncomfortable by trans issues.)

How old are you?
 
Oh, I didn't mean to imply people would be bother by trans issues...It's just that english is not my native language, obviously, so I keep stumbling on what is appropriate (like, what words) and what is not in wich context.
So, if I make some mistake or offend anyone, or make someone uneasy, please tell me...

Also, I'm 23, like I said in my original post.
 
Oh, I didn't mean to imply people would be bother by trans issues...It's just that english is not my native language, obviously, so I keep stumbling on what is appropriate (like, what words) and what is not in wich context.
So, if I make some mistake or offend anyone, or make someone uneasy, please tell me...

Also, I'm 23, like I said in my original post.

Your English is certainly better than my non-existent grasp of Portuguese. :)

I believe you are accurately expressing yourself, and most people will ask if they have a question about something you write.
 
Oh, I didn't mean to imply people would be bother by trans issues...It's just that english is not my native language, obviously, so I keep stumbling on what is appropriate (like, what words) and what is not in wich context.
So, if I make some mistake or offend anyone, or make someone uneasy, please tell me...

Also, I'm 23, like I said in my original post.

Oh, duh. Pardon me. Mornings are not my time. I speak no Portugese, so I won't be critical. :p I thought maybe a partner was trans, which does change things.

It doesn't offend me, but I was struggling to understand your unique situation. I think I may grasp it a little better now. (Maybe. Or maybe I'm delusional.)

You say this is the first time you've been in love - Have you dated much outside this relationship? In my experience, the best way to be good at a relationship is lots and lots of practice at being in relationships. :) Are you dating other people right now?

If you don't want to see others, that's okay. It makes me a little uncomfortable for you these people have already said they're not available emotionally and you're getting attached, but people can and do change their minds.

But don't get your hopes up, and do be honest with them. Remember, five years from now, most of us will have to strain to remember what our current partners look like, so don't put too much stock in the situation. (In anticipation of reactions to this statement, I've already put on a flame retardant suit.) On the other hand, I think situations like this are opportunities to build real intimacy; if not with this couple, then you can take the experience and do it with others.
 
In my view, triads represent no fewer than seven relationships, for in addition to each couple's relationship with each other, there is the triad's relationship...and then each individual's relationship with their own heart and mind.

Ignea, IME this is a good example of "one of those life things" where we know in our hearts that we have to take a stand for ourselves, witnessing to what we're really feeling, being true to our relationship with ourselves...even though our fears or intellect tell us that things could go very badly from a relationship perspective. That is to say, our relationship with one or more of the couples or the triad itself.

If you do find a way to talk about your evolving feelings, and if it goes as badly as you fear, then one thing you will know for sure is that this situation wasn't robust enough to sustain the kind of love you have to offer. That is very hard. Whenever I faced something like that, I always reached back to the fact that, while the external relationships were coming up painfully short of my desires/dreams/essential needs, my relationship with myself was strong. Cherishing that relationship above all things led me to finally find what I always wanted...and while it was a long and sometimes painful haul, and looking back I'm not sure how I did it, it brought me to a place that is so far beyond what I could have dreamed of, most days I walk around giggling like a goofball.
 
But don't get your hopes up, and do be honest with them. Remember, five years from now, most of us will have to strain to remember what our current partners look like, so don't put too much stock in the situation. (In anticipation of reactions to this statement, I've already put on a flame retardant suit.) On the other hand, I think situations like this are opportunities to build real intimacy; if not with this couple, then you can take the experience and do it with others.

To be honest I myself have huge issues with intimacy and tend to be really closed when the situation is about exposing my fears or fragilities.
For example: One day the guy of the couple told me he really likes me. Did I say something back? Nope! I totally freezed... A few seconds later I regreted not saying somethin but arght! That's just me. (like I said, most of the time I feel like a 13 year old)

But I've been trying to slowly work on that. You are totally right about this being a oportunity to gather experience... I've already learned so much about myself and what I want. Even if this end with me heart-broken I don't think I'll regret it.

Thanks everyone for the advices and suport! You are great! :D
 
Cherishing that relationship above all things led me to finally find what I always wanted...and while it was a long and sometimes painful haul, and looking back I'm not sure how I did it, it brought me to a place that is so far beyond what I could have dreamed of, most days I walk around giggling like a goofball.

That is truly a goal everyone should have.
Though loving yourself and not depending on others to make you feel worthy of love isn't really easy, is it?
But you are right, really so.
 
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