Redpepper's journey

I am in the process of reading every post I have made from December 2010 to now. I am quite excited about this, as this whole thread is about my life and where I have been. Perhaps this exercise seems ludicrous, but I am who I am. I love getting to the bottom of my shit, diligently and thoroughly. I am a processor who takes her time. I love relationship dynamics; it is my passion. What better person to pick apart than myself? We shall see if I get this done!

Thanks for sharing about your process. I think it's very powerful to write our thoughts and feelings down and then go back and read them after time has passed. (I use this forum as a sort of journal for myself.) I kept a written journal for many years and some of my most profound moments were when I devoted time to going back through them.

One of the greatest benefits I have experienced as a result of journal writing is a greater ability to stay in the moment. Because of this, I spend very little time or energy wondering or worrying about what will happen next, in the future.

The reason for that is because for many years I would write whatever was on my mind. A lot of the time, I was wondering or worrying about what was going to happen next. The process of reading that allowed me to decide that I didn't want to spend any more energy that way. But I digress.

Just wanted to support you since I see you as someone who is not only open and honest, but also willing to be vulnerable and authentic. I see you as someone who desires to be helpful in a caring way, whocan be serious and supportive, as well as irreverent and funny. Hang in there and just know that you are appreciated!! ;)
 
I just opened the book, "The Gifts of Imperfection: let go of who you think you are supposed to be and embrace who you are" by Brene Brown, and read this:

To practice courage, compassion, and connection is to look at life and the people around us, and say, "I'm all in."
 
I love that book! Brene Brown has so many good things to say! Have you seen her TED video?
I have. She speaks to me in many ways. I read last night what she says about staying compassionate during times when people are taking their stuff out on you. It spoke to me. I wish I could relay the whole passage, but I can't find it in type on line. Its page 15 of her "Gifts of Imperfection" book, if anyone is interested.

Derby came to visit last night. She and Mono stayed close to me on the couch as we laughed at a Russell Peters show. PN went out with friends, but is holding the fort for most of today so I can process.

I was grateful to Derby, as she calmed me right down. I had been pacing all night and going through sadness, anger, helplessness, disbelief and denial-- the grief process. Any spare moment is taken up with that. When I am busy I am simply numb.

I told Derby I would bathe soon, as I haven't in days. I don't give a shit really. I am all in my head and thinking hard. It's my turn to be the one that is struggling the most, a position of discomfort for me. But so far, my loves are going at my pace. With that I will see this through.

Off to read more of this blog. I think I might have taken on a bigger task than I previously thought! :eek:
 
*hugs RP*
 
Besides, if anyone ever wants to use this blog against me again I will know what it says and where to find the posts.
I don't see any point right now in writing here about my realizations thus far. I am not interested in creating more fuel for a fire that I am not responsible for.
I'm not sure exactly to describe how I feel about this concept. I totally get that you don't want to add fuel.. However in the category of things you aren't responsible for would be the views and opinions of not you, with regards to some not very stand up actions of an individual who would resort to turning a public blog against a former partner. 'Tis not cool...not cool at all.

Perhaps this exercise seems ludicrous but I am who I am and I love that I getting to the bottom of my shit diligently and thoroughly. I am a processor who takes her time. I love relationship dynamics; it is my passion. What better person to pick apart than myself. We shall see if I get this done! :)
I really hope that this whole exercise is designed for your own benefit. I could understand wanting to figure out your own shit for your own sake. But as far as the input you've received so far from a certain direction...I'd personally consider the source. If you're doing it because of the ex...or for the ex...I really don't think his actions in the aftermath of your relationship put him in a position to deserve such consideration, nor his opinions whatever they might be about your character. He'd have to be in your league first.

Anyways...just my ever so humble and mostly irrelevant opinion.

(I think I must be getting to the end of my own processing lately...I've been getting a little more cranky and vocal lately...almost back to normal?:cool:)
 
Thanks everyone, for hugs and support. I am realizing with every day that passes that life will go on and that this was all circumstance.

I realize I have left huge gaps in this story. Sorry about that. I have written and processed lots and have posts ready to post, but I am afraid. If I post them, even though they are all my own struggles and not at all placing blame or pointing fingers (all facts rather than opinions, and all my own feelings/thoughts), I remain respectful to the fact that there is paranoia that everyone knows them on his part (even though I am pretty sure no one here does, except my partners). At some point I may just say "fuck it" and just post and be done with it, but for some stupid reason I remain loyal, even after all that has been said that is not loyal to me.

The thing is that the longer I don't post, the more I feel the weight of burden and suppressed. I'm finding it hard to move on. I was hoping that in writing just to myself that I would be released, but I am beginning to wonder if that is going to be the case. I don't know what I shall do yet. There seems to be a need for a cathartic moment, where I am doomed to be the devil forever in their eyes, but released from the burden I have now placed myself in.

This may sound like a HUGE thing here, but my life is moving on, and there are some exciting things on the horizon for me, some new people coming into my life in the form of friendships, and some new plans. I am not sitting still and fading into nothing. Perhaps if I wait long enough I won't feel this need to post. I still have some writing to do, so I will wait.
........
Words were said to me that cannot be taken away and that will dictate where any future friendship will go. I think I am waiting to see if there is a salvageable friendship. At this point, I don't see any way there can be a friendship, even though I was asked if we could go for a beer sometime. I was told that I am not interesting anymore and that there was nothing to talk about when we were together. So why would we hang out again?

Besides, there is a lot of hatred from his wife that I can't do anything about. From what I have heard she didn't want me to be in her life for one more moment and would gladly dump her new boyfriend if it meant I would be gone from her life. I think that is pretty clear, even if later I were told that she just didn't want to be my friend. It seems to me that this was in the works for some time and that I was the only one who didn't know.

I spent so much time advocating on her behalf, for him to pay more attention to her. I followed along every date night how she was doing and gave suggestions and support. It seems that was seen as me wanting to be more involved than was welcome.

I also backed right away from the guy she is dating as soon as I heard that she had a reaction to my knowing him. I told him right away that I thought he should concentrate on her and that I would see him later. Apparently, it was too late. He told me that my interactions with him had nothing to do with her and that he saw no reason to be concerned. Later though, he agreed with me that was a good idea to concentrate on his relationship with her, but asked if he could still be invited to the events I host.

I hang onto people and work hard at remaining friends with people. I was hoping I could with this relationship. But I don't know.
 
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Sometimes it just takes some time and space for a friendship to be reformed, and sometimes it just doesn't happen. I think you're right that this break-up has left space in your life for something else to come in. Eventually, you're probably going to be able to look back on what you're going through at the moment and see the reason why. (Every break-up I've ever had has taught me something really valuable, although it has taken years sometimes for me to see it.)

Be kind to yourself. Don't post until it feels emotionally safe to do so. I think eventually it would be good to get feedback from people here who are a little more objective. Also while you're going through your posts and indexing, have a category of all the nice things people have said about you. It will be good to have that self-esteem boost when you're feeling low and vulnerable.
 
I really hope that this whole exercise is designed for your own benefit. f you're doing it because of the ex...or for the ex. I really don't think his actions in the aftermath of your relationship put him in a position to deserve such consideration, nor his opinions, whatever they might be, about your character. He'd have to be in your league first.

I agree 100% with this. You're just really seeing their true selves, but that doesn't mean you should compromise who you are for anyone else. If someone treats me horribly and attempts to squash me down, I don't owe them a thing! Especially if they have a downright nasty need to hurt me or "teach me a lesson," AND their words and actions clearly show a huge misconception about who I am and what's important.

Fuck anyone who pulls shit like that, and the high horses they rode in on! Seriously!
 
If someone treats me horribly and attempts to squash me down, I don't owe them a thing! Especially if they have a downright nasty need to hurt me or "teach me a lesson," AND their words and actions clearly show a huge misconception about who I am and what's important.

Fuck anyone who pulls shit like that, and the high horses they rode in on! Seriously!
I know you are right. I understand what both you and II are saying. I would certainly give out that very same advice if it were someone else writing this on here.

The thing is that I don't believe it. I find it hard to turn the corner into believing that he really is the way he presented.

I think you are right Derby, I need an objective opinion and need to remember the good things people have said on here. I also need to remember that I have said a lot of good things about them on here, Leo especially. Interesting how those got missed in all this. :rolleyes:
 
Something that I have been coming to terms with is the "presentation of identity." We want humans to be consistent, so if we have a bad experience with them, then they are a bad person. Unfortunately, it is often far more complicated. A person can react poorly in one situation, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they're just awful, through and through. Granted, this doesn't mean we owe them anything or need to have more experiences with them.

I've been trying very hard to keep this in mind in my dating life and in general, so that I have an easier time of giving grace to people who hurt me. I'm finding it to be helpful, but very difficult.

I know it's easy for me to say, "Oh man, so and so's a bad guy because of this hurtful experience you've had, but I get that it's only part of the story. Who knows what all went into what happened?"

I understand why you don't want to take part of the experience and use it to define the whole thing and all the people involved. But still, it does sound like you are wise to abstain from a friendship, for the time being. I think you can do that (protect yourself and heal) and still keep a broader, more balanced definition of the people that takes into consideration both their strengths and their weaknesses.

As I've read your blog, I've admired your ability to see the good in people and situations, where other people might have long been frustrated and given up.
 
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I just finished reading an entire year's worth of my blog posts. I am completely sick of hearing myself talk. It's past midnight. It made me realize that if ever I feel like I am not heard, I should read this blog, so I feel as I do now. :p

So, I'm processing, analyzing...

I saw a huge amount of what went sideways, and a whole lot of my not really having a whole lot of control over that.

Much more to follow, but I feel a whole lot better having dragged my ass through this thread. It was very interesting and enlightening. So worth it, FOR ME. (< That's for you, II.)
 
I wrote a final copy of thoughts and feelings, along with assumptions about what was going on that will likely never be sorted. I am posting it today to be released from it all and move on. I don't mean harm to people. I only hope to help myself and others. I needed to write this out in order to bring back what I have had taken away, my sense of self worth and self esteem. I am pretty sure that Leo and/or his wife will read this, at some point, and I can only imagine what they will think. I am not expecting pleasant words and thoughts from them, but I do hope they respect me enough to let bygones be bygones. What matters now is that we all move on.

Having read my blog and all emails about Leo and me all over again, what I want to say has changed from where I first began last week. I have a whole story in my head, and in writing, of what three years brought to my life and where we ended. This is the synopsis of all of that.

In reading back, I discovered that I struggled with several things going on for us:

I struggled with the lack of time we had together, as he decided it would only be once a month we see each other. Gradually, it became less and less. I longed for more time. It made me feel sad that I wasn’t able to spend time with someone I loved. It was too long between dates for me to feel constantly connected, to a point where I could relax and just enjoy our time together. Most of my issues would've been sorted out if there had been more attention to this need of mine being met. (His work being close was doing it for me, but was too little, too late.)

Because of lack of time, I found it hard to trust that I was worth something to him and felt as if I was coaxing him and bugging him, like a whiney child, to hang out with me. I wanted him to plan what we did more, and at least show some enthusiasm in meeting, rather than shuffling dates further and further away, which is what was happening by the end. I felt like I was irritating him. In the end, after feeling all that, I just felt sad about it and resigned to my role in his life.

After our last date, when I asked (at what turned out to be one last time), if he could just let me know when he was free, in the hopes to have some kind of indication that I was worth something to him, he said we were done. He misunderstood what I was saying. But, in the process of understanding, he said I had become someone he had lost connection with. It was hard to hear. But people break up with others every day. He was breaking up with me.

I struggled with not having sex with him and the process of finding connection, regardless of that. Mono and his wife both struggled with the thought of us having sex. Mono was willing to re-look at his point of view in regards to the decision I made with him about not having sex. Leo’s wife was not. The wind was taken from my sails when I heard this. More lack of connection and bonding. It made me feel there was no commitment to a future. I was concerned for “us.” I kept my distance in order to cope. That was working for a time, but it made me sad and anxious before every date because I knew I would be faced with my longing for something more and having to hold back my attention. It made me envious that his wife could have a sexual relationship with someone else and he could not.

I struggled to understand and accept Leo’s wife’s boundaries. It seems that her opinion held huge value for him. He told me once that he would follow what she says and that I am a secondary and they are couple-centered. I remember that he had some judgment at the time that I would think anything different and expect anything different. I realized that we did poly differently and that might be a concern. (Actually, he never said he was poly.)

He told me that he told her everything that he struggled with, but also that he told her nothing that wasn’t relevant to them as a couple. Did he tell her of some of the good conversations we had? Did he relay anything I did in my life that was positive? When I heard he read my blog, I wondered if it had been she who read it. I wondered if she pointed out the posts that she wanted him to see as evidence that I was not good for him.

I had a hard time understanding how they worked together. It was assumed I would follow along without questions because that was overthinking and not keeping it simple. It wasn’t simple to me to do that. It was more complicated than communicating and being in touch, even just a little bit.

As I don’t value hierarchical poly and see people as people, not as couples when it comes to romantic relationships, I felt uncomfortable with their dynamic as it was. I was frustrated and confused by their way of doing things. I did submit to their way as much as I could. Sure, there was drama around all of this for me, but I was also patient, empathetic, an advocate for her in terms of him paying attention to her. I wanted her to be happy. I went at her pace as best as I could, without entirely losing my own boundaries due to lack of communication and lack of involvement in his life. As far as I can see, he found his work life more important than his relationship life (as well he should have at the time). I found my relationship life more important. I thought he over-thought work. He thought I over-thought my relationships. I was hoping he would think more about his relationships when he got settled into his new business, but that was not to be, during my time with him.

If it weren’t for the bf coming into his wife’s life, and the assumptions made about why I went for coffee with him, if there weren’t confusion over our last date, in terms of me asking him to let me know when he was free and how that didn’t mean I was wanting to break up, if I had only listened and believed that he was dumping me the first time he said it, if he hadn’t said the things he did that hurt me so much, if only he hadn't read my whole blog in an emotional state, if only I were not so hurt and angry that I could HEAR what he was saying I would've walked away with the possibility of being friends with him. Now he has no spark for me. I am left feeling used. It’s a relationship breakup. It is what it is, not unusual, really.

I wonder if he really did read my posts and saw everything I said that was positive. Especially in the last 6 months, I was beginning to let go of old thinking and realizing that I was fine the way our relationship was. There were many times I came home from our dates feeling loved and cherished. I felt that our relationship was worth working on. He was coming out of a really tumultuous time and things were looking up for him. I thought that now that things were more settled and he was happy that we could kick back and chat about less loaded issues and just be together. I thought we had a future. It seems I was wrong.

I am not apologizing for the struggle Leo and I went through. I could have been a dedicated and loyal friend and lover for many years to come, if he was looking for that in someone like me, But he wasn't. He told me many times that he could not fulfill my need for closeness to each other, time together, words of love, affection and support almost daily, as well as good conversations that were challenging but led to acceptance and more connection. I chose to continue and see what happened, and so did he. This is where it ended up: with my being dumped. He is not to blame. I am not to blame. It was the course we were on and neither of us are to blame for who we are.

After doing all my reading and thinking, I am left with a feeling of helplessness, sadness, desperateness to be understood, but resigned that it’s over. As far as I can see, I was not interesting enough to keep around anymore. I was a source of happiness at one point, when times were rough, But now that his life is happy and his relationship with his wife is going well, I am not needed. That makes me terribly sad. It triggers something really deep inside of me that I now have to work on.


I have high expectations for the loves in my life. I don't settle for what I consider to be a half-ass relationship. I am demanding. I take my relationships very seriously, work hard at them, and expect the same in return. I told him that from the beginning. I think on every detail as I try and make sense of those I love and how I can better connect with them. Over time, it's not as necessary, and I do this less and less, but with little time together with partners, my process was amplified when we were together. I am more intense and more expectant. I need to work on that more. I am working on that more. It isn't fair to those I love.
 
I'm glad to see you pushing through all this and doig what's right for you.
As for your ex and ex-meta, they really don't have any say about how you express yourself, nor should they have any reasonable complaints about such a thoughtful, fair and caring post.

Rock'on RP. You still have wonderful people in your life, and I'm sure they'll be eager to see you move on to the next chapter.
 
I'm glad to see you pushing through all this and doing what's right for you. As for your ex and ex-meta, they really don't have any say about how you express yourself, nor should they have any reasonable complaints about such a thoughtful, fair and caring post.

Rock on, RP. You still have wonderful people in your life, and I'm sure they'll be eager to see you move on to the next chapter.
Thanks, II. Moving on. I have had such awesome support and love from others. I am grateful and appreciative. Giving it all back to those that really care about me and love me. It's all good. :)
 
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