Redpepper's journey

I think me and PN are all good, love. :)

It becomes obvious to me sometimes that PN is not where I am or Mono is about the arrangement we have. He sees him as a tenant I think sometimes.


I also see myself as a tenant. There is no negativity in that. I like that feeling, because it keeps my individuality and independence. That is why he and I like separate laundry, kitchens and living spaces.

I thought he saw him as a roommate who happens to be a metamour, but no, I think he is waaaaay behind on getting with the program that Mono and I are on. I forget that he doesn't ever go downstairs to see Mono or hang out, as I do.

There is nothing new with this, Lilo. In general, I don't hang out with anyone, except when I ride. Normally you are the only person I have into my place. Even in my last two places, you were the only visitor. I'm uber private with my home time. I'm weird, I know. ;) I like getting the bulk of my socializing at work or at pub nights and camping.

PN is very similar to me in that sense. We do friendships much differently than you. It's not a bad thing, just different. I see PN more than any other person besides you. We get plenty of face time.
It makes me nervous that the two of them would not be friends if I was not in the picture.

This is an interesting point. PN and I are bonded in a very interesting way. That bond won't go away, but that does not mean we would be hanging out together all the time. We would likely do our friendship the same way that we do friendships with everybody else. We're very different people in our passions and our social circle. He'd be saving the world and finding internal peace and I would be riding around, sitting in coffee shops watching people, and hangin out for the occasional backyard party.

The big difference is LB. He's a part of my life, as I am a part of his. Our bond would bring us together more often. We would always be connected through this journey, Lilo.

There is no doubt that you are the glue in this relationship and family structure. A "V" without a point is not joined. LB would be that point to some degree, I think. But I think everyone is good, Sunshine.

Please try not to dwell on "what ifs". Just let our love and lives move along this path. We've been doing pretty good, so far. :)
 
Thanks for sharing this, RP.

Sometimes I worry about the relationship between my men, too. I have this ideal in my mind of "friendship" but I can't presume to know how two men work through their issues, especially when they are sharing one woman and it is so against the grain, so contrary to the conventional way men are used to relating to each other.

Butch and Sundance have a beer together about once a month, and to them, that's being best friends! They are both pretty much loners by nature. When they get together, I get all giddy inside! It confirms my trust in both of them and validates the mutual respect between all 3 of us. I also think it's cute that they share a muse (me:)) and it bonds them in a very unique way. It also makes me feel very cherished. Naturally, I wish they got together more often! But, I must remember, they are cowboys. :rolleyes:

Thanks again for everything you share and how you bare your soul. The community of this forum has so much to gain from your generosity in truth and love.

P.S. thanks to you, too, Mono:)
 
I kicked another pebble today.

PN expressed to me his concern about my not understanding how he feels loved by me. I need to give him lots of touch but I don't always have it in me, after a day of being mauled by my clients. It brought up a whole slew of issues around where we are at with our sex life, not to mention where we are at in general with our marriage.

It ended on a good note. We both have some ideas/reminders about how I can be approached for affection and how I need to approach him more. We are growing and changing into who knows what? We still love and want to be with each other. We both agreed that we have no idea where we are going, but are happy that we are both happy and living lives we enjoy. Tat is the main thing. The rest is not worth over-thinking about.

It was a talk that was a long time coming. I feel close to PN tonight.
 
PN expressed to me his concern about my not understanding how he feels loved by me. I need to give him lots of touch and I don't always have it in me after a day of being mauled by my clients...

Excuse my flippancy, but, "mauled by Mono" as well? ;)
 
Great night playing video games with the boy and piling on the couch for a movie. :) Life is good. Fun weekend to come, with the usual amount of fun activities with my lovelies. :)
 
I just want to say that I love your openness, honesty, ability to process your feelings outloud, and the huge amount of empathy that you have for others. You are truely a beautiful person!
 
Thanks, BEV. :) What a feat to read all of it! Wow!

This was a great weekend. I spent a little time with everyone, including PN's family. His aunt had a BBQ party at her house with lots of family that I had not met before. It was great to meet them after 10 years of marriage to PN. Most of them were from out of town visiting, or had just not been around. I finally got to put some faces to names.

I really appreciated PN's mum at the event. The whole family knows about Mono living with us, and why, now, except the old timers that no one wanted to stress out. There are more than a few that have a strong opinion about me and PN and our marriage, and about Mono. But PN's mum rises above all that. She made a big fuss over my being an amazing daughter-in-law and how much she loves me and is so pleased that I am in her life. :) I was grateful to hear it, but also that she said it in front of people there. Not only that, it's really obvious that PN and I are fine and doing well. No one could really deny that we aren't a great team and getting on well, including LB, who was also there.

We went to the anniversary party of a local poly family this weekend also. She has become quite famous in terms of the polygamy trial a few months back. I always enjoy being with them, as they live in a similar situation to us but are publically out. LB is too young yet for us to feel as if we can take on the law at this point in time. Not to mention, there are Mono's concerns about his daughter.

The woman in this family has become somewhat of a mentor of mine. I admire her greatly on many levels and am honoured to have been invited to acknowledge their anniversary. I was also honoured that she thought to consult me on some things going on for her and that she talked openly about some things I might want to be involved in. I feel somewhat humbled in her presence and was greatly pleased that she would think of me in such high regard, enough to confide in me.

I got a number of texts this weekend from various poly friends all over. It's always so great to hear how people are doing and what they are doing. I am touched that anyone would text me to let me know how things are going for them in certain circumstances.

I went to a fun party last night, where I got to dom a young man for about five seconds. I wondered how Mono would respond, so I ended the encounter quickly. There were photos taken and I was being watched the whole time. One of my friends commented on how I seem to dominate all men who are near me.

It was enough for Mono to leave the room and I decided I should go after him. There was a time that I wouldn't have even noticed and would've carried on being myself and having fun, until later, when I would find out that he was hurt and angry with me.

I am poly. I didn't get what was going on for him and would often be confused that he would think things were inappropriate. I guess I have learned. Still, it made me kind of sad. I REALLY ENJOYED domming that boy. :eek: He was a compatible subbie, that's for sure. :)

I know that I must be careful to not offend or push Mono though, as he is mono and doesn't appreciate that I can quite easily fall into a moment with someone else. I was proud of myself for having respect for his boundaries. With PN this wouldn't have even been something that we would discuss. It just is how it is.

PN happily goes about connecting with people on the same level, but in a different way. Having been married to him for so long, I was used to that. Now I am finally used to Mono, even if it makes me feel as if I am pushing down something that is natural to me, in order to be with him. Ah well, he is still worth it over anyone else, and that is what I keep checking in about.

I had a lovely date with my beautiful Derby. She looked gorgeous when she arrived today. Grumpy, but gorgeous. ;) Things have been hard for her lately and I am glad that our date was a bit of respite in all that. The play we saw was good and we got to have a coffee in a different part of the city than she is used to. It was like a short holiday for both of us. :) Both of us came away smiling and lighter, I think.

A big burlesque summer show is coming up next Saturday. I took time out tonight to spend with PN and have some lovin.' Then I made some pasties and blinged a pair of sunglasses for the show, while watching a doc about bees with Mono.

I got laid twice today and was thinking about women that feel all... whatever it is, pride? when they have sex with two men in one day. I don't get that any more. It kind of boggles me.

I guess I get that feeling when I get to spend intimate time with Derby, as we don't get that often. In a way, I am actually glad, because I get to have that feeling afterwards. :rolleyes:
 
it was enough for Mono to leave the room and I decided I should go after him. :

It was a great night, and fun seeing how our friend was a puddle of shyness after those photos. I think you may have read too much into the situation, from my point of view. It actually wasn't a big deal at all. I just wanted to socialize with other people. LOL I admit, if he was allowed to kiss any higher than your shoe, it would have a been a problem. ;)
 
Pssst. I bought "Sex at Dawn." I don't intend to read it, just leave it lying around. (I don't read. I tried to today... not happening.) I intend to lend it to my co-workers, actually. We talked about it today at work. They all agreed that we were not meant to be monogamous for life, but serial monogamists, maybe. I will see what a bunch of diehard monogamists say. :p
 
Pssst. I bought "Sex at Dawn." I don't intend to read it, just leave it lying around. I intend to lend it to my co-workers actually. They all agreed that we were not meant to be monogamous for life, but serial monogamists maybe. I will see what a bunch of diehard monogamists say. :p

Wrap it in a cover, call it "The Natural Monogamist" and leave it where Mono can find it.

Shhh! He'll never know!

ETA: No wait! "Motorcycles and Me"
 
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