Redpepper's journey

I wrote this on the poly group I facilitate on FB... I wanted to share it here too. I changed the names to what you know them as ;)

I'm feeling a bit weepy tonight. This is the only place I feel I can really express why. Please bare with me :)

Today was my boys last day of school. He is on break now for the summer having completed grade 2. We are celebrating tonight with his favorite meal and mine; Nachos! :) Mono, PN and I are having a beer with that. They are all putting together the Wii that he got for the end of the school year and for working so hard at finishing with night time pull ups.

Some back ground: When I met Mono more than two years ago PN and I had a hard time adjusting to the fact that I was deeply in love and WAY in my NRE. I was a neglectful mother to my boy and him and while I know that is just part of it, I do have some shame in that.

By the time Mono and I were obvious to all those around me I was in denial that my child's needs were not being met in having a mother close to him and engaged in his life. My mother, who finally confronted us with what was happening, was concerned that I was not paying attention and blamed me for being a bad mother. The first time since he was born. I was ANGRY, very angry. She had accused Mono of molesting our boy and demanded that I take him for evaluation by a doctor. I was angry a whole lot with her back then. This accusation didn't help.

I am feeling very proud today. I am proud of myself because I rose out of my NRE and worked hard to fulfill my biggest dream of starting a house and life full of loves, love and more healthy, strong adults in every way for my boy to be around. It was doubtful to all those around me who had known me for years that I could actually achieve this. I flew by the seat of my pants and in the face of adversity I stood strong in my convictions that I was making a good decision for my family.

My boy had a hard time at first, as did I. He was clingy and needy and demanding of my attention. He was showing negative behaviour at school, not doing well in his class or at least to the potential I knew he could and didn't want to be there. He wanted me to pick him up early every day...

Even though I wanted to do my own thing, get on with my own life, I did everything I could to see to it that he had my attention. PN and Mono helped. I could NOT of done this without their dedication to making it all work. Everything to including him in all we do, child care so that I could hang out with one of them at a time and pursue other interests, to involving my family when they were really hard to deal with... all of it we did together but at my request...

I just looked at my boys report card and he exceeded in EVERYTHING.... :) This is not only huge to me because for the last months his teachers have said he is doing really well in all aspects of his life, but because I struggled with everything in school. I failed most of the time as I had undiagnosed dyslexia.

I immediately phoned my parents as we traditionally have a celebration where he gets to show us all the work he has done, including his report card. I cried. I wasn't expecting it, but as I left a message on their machine I burst into tears. All I said after explaining why I was calling and crying was. I did it..... we did it. :) We are doing it :) I guess I just realized that.
 
Congratulations! I'm so glad that you have something really wonderful to celebrate! It sounds you are all falling into a great rhythm together, including LB. You have achieved something pretty awesome!
 
I have been figuring out what to say about my date with Leo. We made nachos, then sat and watched an old movie and drank some wine.. It was lovely. We relaxed and enjoyed each other's company. We did chat about what happened during out "fight" and how to approach things next time. I think he is a very simple man and I try to complicate things. He likes his monthly date, likes that we text often and that he has me as a "girlfriend," not partner, whatever that means. I am not going to over-analyse, just enjoy it.

I think that I have let go of this ever being something more than it is. I was hoping for more support and being loved through "acts of service" but it's not to be. Nor will I be loved through "touch," so that is out. I still have... Yeah... I don't know... I'm sick of trying to figure it out. I have been over-thinking, so I am letting it go.

Sooooo, I'm sick today. PN is bringing home poutine! YUM ;) I wonder how many people know what that is? Mono looked after me this afternoon by watching the second season of "United States of Tara" with me. Love that show. LB cuddled me on the couch while I did my best not to get snot on him.

This weekend is packed full of goodness, as usual. Drag Ball tomorrow for the beginning of Pride week, then a friends' BBQ, then fireworks for Canada Day. Next day we are having a BBQ, at which Derby will hopefully stay over in my bed. ;) :D Then on Sunday I will reeeellllaaaaxxx... I hope.

Have to get going on our camp-out next weekend and another burlesque show. This show has a summer theme and I have a really cute blue 50's bathing suit with white birds flying over it to break out. :D Three weeks count down.

Mono, PN and I went to see the new Transformers movie last night. We lined up in front of a woman and her two older sons. She joked about her house of men. I told her we all lived together and raised a boy together. She didn't even bat an eye. She was pretty self-absorbed though. I just don't really care any more.

I listened to Mono tell a co-worker that he is going to Drag Ball.. He teased the guy about whether or not he wanted to go. The guy was confused and laughed it off. It's tiring being closeted. Fuck it.
 
Poutine! Lovely comfort food.

Take care of that cold. Don't overdo, baby.

Glad you'll get to sleep with Derby for once.
 
Yeah, gross.
 
oops should have inserted smilies...:D;) (Mono isn't a perv for the record)
Whatever!

Ooh, we could sell some clips on "clips for sale" or something. A cuckold video, perhaps? Derby, you in?

We could send Mono out to peer in the window with his camera. I'm sure the party folk would be all over that. ;)
 
Wellll, I missed you guys. :D I haven't really caught up after a busy weekend. I love when I get to see ALL my loves in one weekend.

First PN, who unfortunately was so late to our date night, it was bedtime when he got in. We managed to get a short chat in and he brought me poutine (as mentioned). We didn't have "date" time together, but had a good weekend of chatting and doing things together in short bits, as others came and went. He got a lot of writing done and that made him happy. Happy PN, happy RP. ;)

I spent time at friends of ours with Mono this weekend. They are our friends, not PN's or Derby's or Leo's or anyone else's, but really ours we made together. I like that, but they are slowly becoming everyone's friends also. Mono and I had a great night of connection and love and a morning of lounging around. We are such bed people. ;)

Derby stayed over one night when we had a BBQ for some friends, including Leo, who came with his wife! A first for them! (Other than just spending time with us.) Derby and I had a good night together, after much socializing and laughter. We kept the men awake though. That was confirmed tonight..... *ahem* :eek:

I had to laugh, though as she and PN are such morning people.. All smiles and giggles in the morning. I was glad they had each other to be like that with this morning. Such a treat for PN. He usually gets grumpy ol' me. :)

I enjoyed Leo being around. He and his wife met my swinger friends, FINALLY! They have common friends together and I was waiting for them to meet forever now.

They talked about finding a venue for a Halloween party where they can book rooms. A lot of hotels won't take them anymore. I have to admit, I still find the whole swinger thing really almost bizarre. Listening to them talk about being able to hide the fact they are swingers by dressing up and then getting hotel rooms to stay the night in and that they have to warn people to not walk the halls naked just is rather humorous to me, for some reason. I can't help wonder why they do it. Meh, whatever, it was fun to listen to.

Leo was a bit concerned about where I was at all times when the night started, but he seemed to calm down, and they seemed to have a really good time. At least they said so, anyway. I was glad he got to meet some of the friends I have talked about to him and spend some time with my other loves, so he doesn't feel awkward any more after the "December incident." (chuckle :D I like that.)

We are making plans to camp again later in the summer with Leo and fam. His wife even suggested we all go to her parents' condo on one of the local ski mountains again. Yipeeee. I love it there. I went there for my 40th birthday with them.

Today we wandered a downtown market, got some tacos and sat and listened to some music from the Jazz Fest. I saw my old tertiary's wife there with a friend of mine. So much unfinished business left to unearth and work on, perhaps. I dunno, what is the life span of unfinished business? How long is long enough to just drop it?
 
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PN and I are such a good team

Tonight we went to a friend's for supper. He has come to our house before and we have been out lots. He wanted to return the thanks for intro-ing me to the community and being my first friends here by making us supper.

He is a sweet guy, but not very well, and he struggled throughout the evening due to the pain he feels. PN and I helped out, chatted lightly, joked around, and got into some deep conversations about relationship dynamics and early childhood trauma. Our friend really seemed to enjoy our dynamic and the conversation. He had a lot to say also.

PN and I talk VERY openly to one another about our likes and dislikes and we use a lot of humour to do so. We never have to guess for one second what is going on for the other and it is evident that we are on top of everything that goes through our head and checking with the other about what goes through theirs. It's simple, to the point. We don't get caught up in pretty much anything.

"Do you want green tea, RP?"
"No, I don't. I don't like it."
"There is only mint tea, no black, which I know is your favourite. Are you okay with that?"
"Yes I am. Thank you for asking."

At the end of the night I could see he was tired, as was our friend. PN signed in sign language (I use sign at work), in mid sentence, about something completely different, that he was wanting to go home. HA! I was impressed! I nodded and as soon as he was done talking I mentioned it was late and stated that it was time to go. Our friend didn't catch on at all! I know PN hates to do the good-bye thing and I have no problem with it, so he was asking me to deal with it. :D

We are a great team. :)
 
That's so cool. I get so terrified to ask for want I want or express likes and dislikes. That sounds so refreshing that you two can just say it outright with no beating around the bush. You two sound like a great team! And having your own secret language. :) fun!
 
Rob is terrible at catching the subtle little hints that I want his attention. I give him "the eyes" or "the slight tip of the head" and he either doesn't notice, or loudly proclaims, "What??"

It used to bother me a lot, but now I just find it cute and funny one of the things that makes him, HIM.

:)
 
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This weekend was fantastic. I got to meet another member of the forum and host a really relaxing and fun camping trip. Not bad at all :) There were many good conversations to be had. Much food and drink and lots of friends and poly folk to wade around in. I love that! It makes me so pleased to host events where people are obviously having a good time and getting some of their need for relaxation and companionship met, not to mention the need to fit in with like-minded people!

My boy was supposed to stay at his grandparents' house, but when he found out we were camping he became envious after a couple of days and PN had to drive and meet them partway so that he could come out too. So much for adult time. I got a little at least. He is no bother and I love him being around. My biggest concern was that my parents would throw their hands in the air and say, "That's it, he won't come out again" as a way to shove their disappointment down.

PN decided to not camp the first night as he was tired from his week and wanted the house to himself. The second night he almost lost it on Mono when he and his buddy and other people got talking around the fire until 5 am. The fire pit was right by our tent and they were loud, even in a whisper. I had ear plugs. No biggie. :) PN didn't sleep until they did and lay awake listening to them. Mono had a couple of hours sleep; PN slept in late while Mono and I packed up the camp. It was all good when PN woke up to a packed camp, me handing him a coffee and his breakfast. That seemed to make up for it. There has been a lot worse between them... but that is Mono's story to tell.;)

Mono is crashed beside me. :D Heh, he is so tired, fell asleep hours ago. So much for getting laid. :(

I went to the Pride parade today with Derby and some friends that were visiting for the campout, both members here. :) Derby and I got to hold hands as we walked around the grounds. That isn't something we often get to do. We are so privileged in het couples when we go on dates. Derby and I do I have fear of who sees our affection, maybe because of how things used to be. I know its different now and that I shouldn't worry about it, but in the small town I grew up in it just wasn't an option and that stuck.
 
You know, sometimes things are not what they seem.

Some stuff that goes on for us is not repeatable on a public forum, but two things happened tonight that I think will shed some light on stuff that happens that I don't usually talk about. They might show that our poly life is not always the image of perfection from this end. I thought I would bring them up, as they are small and can be used as an example of how we sometimes struggle together. Other things come and go, but they are too personal.

Tonight PN got home before any of us. This is very unusual, as he works later than Mono and me. I usually get the boy after work sometime. Usually Mono and I have a couple of hours together, when we do dishes, chat, have tea, nap, have sex, and do a number of other things together. Tonight was different.

Mono is working late all week. So I decided that rather than come home, I would stay out at a coffee shop, catch up on here and do some other online-related stuff. I got home after I picked the boy up. PN had already started the nightly routine. I had several bags to carry in from the car. Mono had just walked up from the base, so he helped me carry some stuff. I checked the mail on the way in and there was a letter for him. I traded it for the bags he was carrying and he went off around the side of the house to put the garbage cans away.

When I came in, I noticed two letters on the side table for me, so I brought them thru to the kitchen where PN was making his lunch for tomorrow. I asked him why he brought my mail in, but not Mono's.

I was tired and hungry and, after this weekend, where some stuff had happened that made me feel that PN had been pushed past his comfort level, I was a bit on edge and suspicious of the action.

PN told me he never brings Mono's mail in and that he could get it himself from the mailbox. He said it makes him feel anxious looking after his mail, as there is no procedure for making sure he gets it, so he would rather leave it in the box.

By the end of the heated/on-edge discussion, I had told him that he is never around to pick up the mail, that I usually do it, that I don't think Mono has ever collected the mail, so wouldn't expect it to be there, so why didn't I take over picking up the mail every day. He told me that I could do that if I wanted, but that by request, he would talk to Mono about setting up an arrangement with him about who collects the mail (for the one time a year that he has to face what to do about mail pick-up *sarcasm added* :p). I asked him if he was harbouring some ill will, and if this mail thing actually had something else behind it. He said it didn't, and that he did have anxiety about picking up other peoples mail.

It becomes obvious to me sometimes that PN is not where Mono or I are about the arrangement we have. He sees him as a tenant, I think, sometimes. I thought he saw him as a roommate who happens to be a metamour. But no, I think he is waaaaay behind on getting with the program that Mono and I are on. I forget that he doesn't ever go downstairs to see Mono or hang out, like I do. I forget that he doesn't see him all that much, as we don't have family dinners together as much as when he first moved in and that really, when PN comes home, I am usually present with him until he goes to bed and then I hang out with Mono again. He really doesn't have much to do with him on a day-to-day basis.

That troubles me. It makes me nervous that the two of them would not be friends if I were not in the picture. It makes me nervous that really, sometimes I think PN just sucks stuff up because he doesn't see that he has a say in what goes on, even though he does, and I tell him that.

There isn't much I can do but just be aware all the time that things are never what I think they are. Relying on being comfortable is never an option. If I get too comfy, there is usually something I just am not aware of yet.

On top of this, Mono was joking with me that he used to take vacation time and not tell his wife because he didn't want her list of stuff to do. She would ask if he were going to work today and he would say "Nah, I have today off." He thought that really funny, but I was concerned about that. Yeah, I see it's funny, but it concerns me that if this man of mine starts doing that with me, it will be a slippery slope to us losing connection.

Mono has no reason to think that he can't take time off and just do what ever he wants. Everything with me is negotiable. I don't make any demands. I make requests all the time, that he either says yes or no to, yet he seems to think that he should feel guilty for wanting and needing to do his own thing. He gets all defiant and defensive and that pisses me off, because it isn't necessary.

I have explained to him that transitions are hard for me, that I miss him when he goes off on his bike all afternoon with his friends, but that does not mean I don't have compersion for him and don't want him to do it. I just need to be able to express that I struggle sometimes and my way of dealing with it is to sometimes pull away. (Wow, that bike is sounding like a girlfriend! ;))

This thing he did with his wife would not ever be okay with me. It would mean that there would be a lot of talking and communicating to follow and I would be very sad and disappointed that he can't come to me and just tell me he is taking time off for himself.

I feel rather out of sorts tonight, like there is a bit of a lean in the balance somewhere. My world sometimes wobbles and I am reminded of how easily that can happen, how easily there could be a topple if stuff isn't dealt with right away.

I did talk it all out with both the guys, at the expense of not being able to chat to Derby tonight much, or anyone else, for that matter. More tilts there.

Sometimes things are not as they seem. I am good at keeping the balance, but I tell you, it's sometimes freakin' hard and I just want to run away and pull the blankets up over my head and tell everyone to just fuck off and leave me alone. :p
 
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Thanks for sharing this, RP. I for one really appreciate it. I often have a sense that you have it all down perfectly and it's nice to know that you do have your struggles too.

Lately I've been thinking that maybe there is something very wise behind the idea of "forsaking all others." I know you are a long way from that because you do love a number of people romantically, but at times, like you say, it's just so freaking hard.
 
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