Redpepper's journey

Man, this pondering is going to take awhile. I needed today. Forget that, it will take my lifetime.

Do you think you can take that many sick days? :D
 
Last edited by a moderator:
I think I might be coming to the end of my time with Leo... we just aren't able to communicate effectively and on the same level.

It seems that everything comes back to his anxiety, depression, essentially, to him and his concerns and idiosyncrasies, even if I ask him to look at mine. It kind of got a bit crazy this weekend on many levels, but with Leo it just carries on being crazy.

He went out on Saturday and sent me a text to tell me a song was playing that he and I share the love of. It reminds us of one another. It was 2 am when he texted. I got it in the morning and asked him where he was at, and how his night came about, as he usually never leaves his house, let alone stays out that late. I was surprised.

It turns out he went out with a high school buddy and they went bar hopping and ended up at the strip club. No biggie to me, other than he has told me he can't go to my burlesque show this weekend, or ever, because of his social anxiety. Huh???!!! I was confused.

So I asked him why he could go to the strip club and not my burlesque. He said that he could hang out with his old friend anywhere and that he takes care of him. He wouldn't be able to with my show because he would have no one to hang out with. I told him all the people that would be there and he said no, he couldn't. I asked him why not and that I didn't believe that was all of it for him. He started to get angry with me. He told me I cause too much drama in his life. He doesn't care what I think. I am a difficult communicator.

I asked him to explain his anxiety to me, because I don't get how it works. He continued to go off on me, saying that by saying good night, that I am passive aggressive. Sigh... I was just tired and wanted to go to bed. He said that he doesn't tell me stuff about his swinging because I get emotional about it and he can't handle the drama. And now he can't tell me anything about anything because I over-analyse. He is frustrated that he thinks that I am okay and then I email him with details that he thinks are not worth going over. Sigh...

I ended up saying next to nothing in return and basically apologizing for not accepting his explanation and told him that I was just sad, hurt and disappointed that he won't ever come. That was it. What's the point of saying more?

I am what I am. What can I say? I like to analyse. I like to see people more than once a month so that I don't go loopy thinking about stuff that isn't true, i.e,. becoming unsure that I am loved and cared for, that everything between me and the person is okay. I become fearful, anxious and wonder if my worth to them is still there. I did warn him and ask him to see me more, but he said no.

I suspect that he has been keeping things from me for some time in regards to his life so as to spare me hurt. It's like cheating to me. I might not feel comfortable that he swings and has sex with people I know, so that means it should be hidden? Last time I heard something about that I just said I was glad he had a good time. What else am I supposed to say when someone brags about fucking one of my friends? What is there to brag about? Ya, go you! I dunno. That is what I said and then sat their awkwardly, because I didn't know how to respond.

We have a date next week. What's the point, at this point? He doesn't want to attempt to be part of my life in ways that are important to me, so why bother? Mono says I should scale back to acquaintance or family friend. Maybe that is a good idea. PN thinks its savable. He gave me some good ideas about what to say. I took his advice when I wrote my short note of apology and expressed how I felt.

One thing is for sure-- it was not okay for him to talk to me the way he did. I will be letting him know that when I see him. I will not let pass that he said some hurtful things to me that I will not be letting go of any time soon.
 
If he can go anywhere with his buddy, why couldn't he go to your show with his buddy?
 
Jeez, RP. I don't know how else to say it, but... Leo sounds like a pain in the ass, LOL. Seriously, you have such a full life and so much going on regularly that you don't need someone so high-maintenance, too! If you think there's a way to save it, great, but what exactly are you saving? Whenever you talk about your relationship with him, it usually sounds like the scales are tipped in his favor, not yours and not balanced, and you're always trying to make something work out of whatever few and minor benefits you can eke out of it. I think you are trying to be nice about it and always want to give him the benefit of the doubt, and it seems like you keep hoping for it to evolve into something better and more satisfying -- but maybe at this point, it is just always going to be at your own expense. Do you really need that?
 
Last edited:
I'd go to the show RP. ;) AND I'd love it too. :)

Give Ari a big hug for me when they get there. I wish I was there too!
 
I'd go to the show RP. ;) AND I'd love it too. :)

Give Ari a big hug for me when they get there. I wish I was there too!

I was going to send you an invite to the barbeque Saturday night. Then I remembered how far away you are. :(
 
I got a text from Leo tonight, saying he is sorry he hurt me and asking if we should meet and talk to see where this is going before our date. I hadn't told him I was not going. I wrote back and said no thank you and that I was likely not going on our date either (the women are still humming and hawing over when to go to the movie and the date might still change). I said my priority is my show right now and that I need to think about it all and will get back to him on Saturday.

It's so much work at this point. I just want to avoid it. I know it won't be respectful to just walk away, but really, that would be easiest. I'm pretty sure that no matter what I say, he will screw it around to make himself look better. So why bother? I likely will though.
 
Last edited:
Relationships are an investment. So often I hear people who think they are to be consumed, as if they are buying a new toy. Once the toy has been played with, they find another, shelve the old one and sometimes get it out later. I see this happen with people around sex quite often.

I don't do that. I think that is my problem, or the difference between others and me. Every single fucking relationship I have I invest EVERYTHING into. It might not appear so, but I do. It makes for successful relationships if the person I do this with does the same. That I am happy about.

When I find that I am a toy to someone else, I get confused and hurt. I find it hard to just lighten up and laugh it off. I wish I could. But it has been a lifelong journey of not being able to. The more time goes by, the less I trust anyone, right from the beginning of meeting them.

I think I need to practice not allowing people to penetrate my heart so quickly. I think I need a thicker skin. The veil between my heart and their way of being is so thin, for so many, that I am constantly being hurt by others. It's exhausting and debilitating.
 
I don't do that. I think that is my problem. Or perhaps the difference I have between others and myself. Every single fucking relationship I have I invest EVERYTHING into. It might not appear so, but I do. It makes for successful relationships if the person I do this with does the same... that I am happy about. :)

Yep, me too. That's one of the reasons I've been pulling back "into my shell" recently. I've limited myself to LITERALLY 2 people outside of the household that I talk to regularly in person, 2 online and a couple of threads I read on here. I just can't take it right now. It's too damn painful to expose myself to when I'm already hurting over the mess with Maca.

I love ya RP. You're a strong, beautiful, smart woman.
 
Yep, me too. That's one of the reasons I've been pulling back "into my shell" recently. I've limited myself to LITERALLY 2 people outside of the household that I talk to regularly in person, 2 online and a couple of threads I read on here. I just can't take it right now. It's too damn painful to expose myself to when I'm already hurting over the mess with Maca.

I love ya RP. You're a strong, beautiful, smart woman.
Oh man, can I relate. I am completely used up right now. You and I are so empathetic and take so much of other people's stuff on. We are caregivers, you and I, and when it comes to us being loved by others, there is usually no one left but ourselves.

Here's to you, my friend. I am so glad that you are out there. You make my heart less heavy knowing so.

I feel blessed just having the select few appreciate and take care of me when I am feeling like this. It all comes around, doesn't it? When I get my strength back, those who are holding me up right now will be lavished with love and support for it. Abundance, abundance, abundance.
 
Woohoo!! Great show last night, Lilo. :) You're sexy, gorgeous and one vibrant lady! I love you. XOXO
 
Last edited:
RP,

I'm sorry, but Leo just doesn't seem worth the hassle. At all. Especially when you've got the loving PN and Mono by your side.
 
RP, I am sorry but Leo just doesn't seem worth the hassle. At all. Especially when you've got the loving PN and Mono by your side.

Seconding the sentiment!

Oh yeah and you've got Derby as well. Sorry, Derby!

3 lovers. Don't know why you feel you need Leo, when he's so bad at communicating.
 
Apparently the show was a huge success last night? Or Friday night rather?

RP: here's an idea I've passed around to others, I feel you could use it, along with some huge hugs, right about now.

Write out what's bothering you about this situation with Leo, what you want to tell him, how things are making you feel, what you want to see happen.

Having it in writing seems to help me get those thoughts to gel into a more coherent form and gives me a more concrete something to base a decision on.

Once you've got it down in writing give yourself permission to get angry or grieve, or whatever it is you need to do and move forward with your life. Don't let this situation get you down and out (yeah, I know, easier said than done).

Just remember: you've got three men in that house who love you to bits and will give you all the hugs you need whenever you need them. Take them up on it, go grab some hugs, give out some smiles :). You'll feel better. You've also got Derby in your life who, I'm sure, is good for some hugs and smiles :D.

HUGS!
 
RP: here's an idea I've passed around to others, I feel you could use it, along with some huge hugs, right about now.

Write out what's bothering you about this situation with Leo, what you want to tell him, how things are making you feel, what you want to see happen.

Having it in writing seems to help me get those thoughts to gel into a more coherent form and gives me a more concrete something to base a decision on.
I dunno. From over here, it looks like it's done. Why beat a dead horse? I've learned that, for me, long explanations are counter-productive when it's time to let someone go. Just give the most succinct, concise reason and be done with it. No one can argue with a simple, "This doesn't work for me anymore."

And remember RP, letting go can be so-o-o freeing! You've been feeling a little heavy lately, and it could be related to the fact that you've been holding onto this relationship that doesn't satisfy you very much. If it's become more of a burden or sore spot than a blessing and joy, letting go of Leo could do wonders for your spirit!
 
Last edited:
Back
Top