Redpepper's journey

Why does there only have to be one way to be a dominant woman? And why if you are dominant would you have to be dominant in every aspect of your life? I would think that would just end up wearing you out!
 
That's the issue with labels. As much as they make it easier to catagorize people. They do exactly that, stick people in boxes with the definition of whoever wrote it.

You are awesomely you and that is all you need to be. You don't need a book to tell you how dominate you are. You are you with your own personal recipe of traits, strengths and weaknesses.
 
Thanks :) Sourgirl you hit the nail on the head with a couple of things there for me, for sure. I will attempt to have more perspective. I find it's expected somehow that I be a bitchy, demanding, whiny so-and-so, who believes that everything should be my way or the highway. How does one attempt to veer people off that course if they already have their mind made up... I guess I can't and will continue to just be me and hope they notice the difference. If it challenges them to think I am dominant then likely that will be tested and I will either do what I always do and challenge their authority over me or blow them off.

What a great weekend. It started with some fancy organization to get Derby's husband's motorbike. He crashed it near our house and ended up in the hospital. He was okay, but had a broken foot. Hurray for thousands of dollars of protective gear!

Mono went to get his bike and we now have it sitting in our driveway until he decides what to do with it. It can sit there until the cows come home, really. He won't be riding it for a while. There is a lot of work to do on it to fix it up and he is out of commission.

Its been tiring for my Derby girl these past few days. The kids got shuffled off to the grandparents and Derby held things up while hubby went through surgery and got settled at home.

Derby seems to have fractured a rib during a derby boot camp last week and isn't in the best condition herself. Sigh... I am hoping that she ended up having a restful day today and is feeling better tomorrow...

I am well into the next burlesque show that is coming up June 10th. I'm in two numbers, have one of my own and doing pick up! I'm even singing in one this time! I feel more confident than ever about it all and seem to get along great with the other women. I sometimes don't catch what we are doing though (don't hear what has been said) and don't have any ideas, whereas they are quick to come up with stuff. I end up having to ask them to repeat. :eek: It makes me feel old. I try to pay little attention to that and carry on listening really hard!

We had a really fun pub night last week that I hosted in terms of organizing it. I think upwards of 30 people came. I was concerned the staff at the pub would object to us moving tables and making ourselves comfy, but they didn't, as far as I know. I try to stay out of it and blissfully unaware of stuff when I host an event. I hate micromanaging other peoples lives. I figure they are grown ups. They can take care of it. It works quite well, usually.

So, I heard from my friend and we sorted it out. It turns out I hugged her too hard. Note taken, don't hug her so hard. ;) I guess I was too excited when I saw her. It was more about boundary setting for her, I think, and that is fine. I wished she had said in the moment though rather than a half week later and after a couple of night's lost sleep because I was worrying. We sorted that out too.

PN had his first ever workshop on Saturday night. Mono and I went and were instructed on how we could help out making coffee, cutting up fruit and generally being support, if need be. I was SO awesome to see PN shine while doing something he loves.

After an incredible 5 hours of process and reflection and everyone had left, we sat down together. I reflected on where this journey began for him and it was most definitely when I met Mono. He had tons of time to himself to do some self help and write... he now has a website the realized self, and has taken up meditating, is going on retreats to meditate, identifies more and more as a Buddhist and is starting to create these workshops from his reading and writing. Very exciting and DEFINITELY a plus in terms of our poly relationship and the vee we are in. He couldn't have done any of it without Mono being in our lives.
 
So I have been reading up on dominant women, of which I thought I was until I read... What I have been reading is more in general how dominant women can be identified a certain way such as the bitchy one at the office, or the woman that has to control everyone and everything and it just doesn't fit me. I am not that woman...

Is it my poly that just doesn't fit the D/s roles for me or me that doesn't fit the dom role correctly. Or am I missing something here?

Whoever wrote that is just plain wrong. One of my lovers, Harry, is an amaaaazing dom, just great at getting into your head and giving you almost-but-not-quite more than you can take, very commanding and nefarious and sexily cruel. And when he's not in that role he's just the nicest guy you could imagine, very helpful and considerate. He's Canadian, for goshsakes! :)

Being a dom has nothing to do with being a bitch/asshole. In fact, I think to be a really good dom you have to be extra-sensitive to other people's needs and feelings... that way, you know just how to manipulate and torture them WHEN YOU'RE SCENING... and it helps you be a better friend and partner in other ways the rest of the time.
 
Being dominant certainly doesn't mean you need to be bitchy. Actually I'd think the bitchy ones are those who don't have the presence and need the bitching.
Not to mention, being dominant in the bedroom doesn't have to be reflected anywhere else. There is no reason to treat everybody the way you treat your sexual partners.

That.

And, RP, why precisely would you give a shit what other people think a Dominant woman is? You, my love, and your partners, define your relationships, not other people. ;)

I'm not bitchy when it comes to my dominance. Furthermore, there's no way I would be submissive to someone who was.

There is a presence that comes from within and if you have it, you have it. You don't have to flaunt it for show. ;)

I'm not GG's Dom because I "act like it." I'm his Dom because it's always been that way NATURALLY for us, and it fits. Something in him naturally submits to something in me that naturally steps up to take charge. Key word, take charge, not "control."

MUAH!
 
I would think that would just end up wearing you out!
YES MA'AM! I was thinking that too. EXHAUSTING, as if as mothers we don't have enough work! ;)

Being a dom has nothing to do with being a bitch/asshole. In fact, I think to be a really good dom you have to be extra-sensitive to other people's needs and feelings... that way, you know just how to manipulate and torture them WHEN YOU'RE SCENING... and it helps you be a better friend and partner in other ways the rest of the time.
Excellent post! I TOTALLY agree with you, Annabel!
 
Whoever wrote that is just plain wrong. . . . Being a dom has nothing to do with being a bitch/asshole. In fact, I think to be a really good dom you have to be extra-sensitive to other people's needs and feelings... that way, you know just how to manipulate and torture them WHEN YOU'RE SCENING

I got the sense from RP's post about that book that it wasn't written about D/s, but about dominance as a personality trait. I thought that maybe she was taking what it said and looking at it through the context of her experience in BDSM. But maybe I'm wrong. Hey, RP, what book was it, btw? Maybe someone else here has read it and can offer another opinion of the stance it takes.
 
Is poly really for me? Maybe not.

I sometimes wonder that myself. I mean, I think I am not really cut out for it, in many ways. I feel like I am monogamous with the partners I have, if that makes sense. So does that make me poly still? The term doesn't seem to fit where anyone else is at, most of the time.

Frankly, there is a lot more to life than poly and I am content to be settled in and doing other things. Does that make me less poly? I dunno... I wonder.

For me, poly is about enough love and enough sex, enough communication and openness, enough giving and receiving. At the end of the day, if that is all taken care of, what is there really to keep talking about or find out? It's a regurgitation of more of the same stuff, over and over.

If it's enough, it's enough and rather than continuing to clamor for more that I can't fit in anyway, then it makes me think that poly isn't for me... I guess because those I see around me are clamoring, it seems, and are poly. Poly seems to be a lot about clamoring-- clamoring to understand, be accepted, to find others, etc.

I don't clamor to "get" anything right now, so it makes me feel un-poly. I feel accepted, understood, have found others. In a sense, poly, in the clamoring sense of it, is not for me.

I totally get why when a tribe settles in they disappear off the radar. It becomes so unimportant that I identify as poly, and so much more important that I just get about the business of living, that I become uninterested in paying attention to my community.
 
Poly doesn't have to mean always in search of more and new and different. It doesn't make you any less poly because you are happy and settled. I imagine that a lot of people who are always clamouring for more and new and different would envy you for being comfortable and content with what you have.

I understand what you're saying about having other things in life outside of poly. When people are just discovering poly, it does seem that it takes up all of their thoughts. At the end of the day though, why would your style of relationship take up any more of your thoughts than anyone else's?

More isn't necessarily better. If you can't fit it in and don't want to fit it in, all it's going to end up doing is taking away from what you already have. As it's been said before elsewhere, love might not have any limits but time certainly does.

Your needs are being met. That's what relationships (in any form they happen to take) are all about.
 
So here we are, mid-week of a long haul of 10 days or more of activity, and I haven't stopped until now.

I have missed much forumming lately. But that's okay, I needed a break anyway.

I don't have much to say, other than I am completely un-trusting of anyone but my loves right now and completely used up in terms of giving. The gossip and endless drama of my community is more than I can bear right now. As much as I try to avoid it, I remain an oasis in it all for some, and it comes to me anyway. I love that I am trusted and seen as a break from it all, but it is taking a toll in many ways.

I again feel under appreciated by many and await the end of such feelings. I'm tired, really, really tired, like, to my very bones. :( (For anyone who thinks that has to do with any of my loves, it absolutely doesn't. They are my rocks). So tired, I can't even write this anymore as there is such a huge floodgate that will open on many different levels. I fear this isn't the place.

I will sit here, stare out the window.
 
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Frankly, there is a lot more to life than poly and I am content to be settled in and doing other things. Does that make me less poly? I dunno... I wonder.

*****
If its enough, its enough and rather than continuing to clamor for more that I can't fit in anyway, then it makes me think that poly isn't for me... I guess because those I see around me are clamoring it seems and are poly... ? Poly seems to be a lot about clamoring... clamoring to understand, be accepted, to find others, etc....

I don't clamor to "get" anything right now, so it makes me feel un-poly. I feel accepted, understood, have found others.... its all good. In a sense, poly in the clamoring sense of it, is not for me.

I totally get why when a tribe settles in they disappear off the radar. It becomes so unimportant that I identify as poly and so much more important that I just get about the business of living that I become uninterested in paying attention to my community.

My sentiments exactly. I don`t clamour, or handle things the way many seem to. Others trying to force-feed me their brand of life, had me bitter.
My compassion had come to a stand-still.
Pulling myself away, and back,... I am finding my compassionate side again. That is important to me. I much prefer being my well-rounded self.

I don`t know what to tell you about the 'poly' label. For me, it is a label I have come to currently reject.
People will tell you, that you are 'poly' based on what they SEE, and those physical actions upholding their own beliefs.


However, I think it`s something you have to feel akin to deep inside. What does poly mean to you ? What is the unshakable truth that lies in you?

I think it is ok to NOT identify as anything. If you feel your relationships are as a normal family, and possibly resent the 'zoo' like peering through, from others, it makes sense to need a break from that. (This thought is hard to put to words, please forgive.) The very basic truth is you are a family. you love, you live, you have ups and downs. being cast as different can get old. Maybe you are feeling that ? There is nothing wrong with dropping a label. Especially if it makes you feel you have to 'uphold' some greater good for others.

All rambling aside, sometimes we just need to look after ourselves and our loves. Live life without overthinking it. Fuck the rest for awhile.
 
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I have been thinking a lot about being a dominant woman lately and have done some research on what others think that is.. I don't fit the criteria. It's given me a bit of an identity crisis of sorts.

In my relationships I find that I am looked toward to take the lead. I am no leader in terms of being the boss and assuming that I have the right to determine what my loves and others do. I tried that with my ex-wife and she and I became so co-dependent that it ended. I was running two lives be the end. This seems to be what some think of when they think of dominance however.

Leadership is not co-dependence. I must exist outside of being a leader to be a leader... To me leadership is about being fearless in walking my own path; knowing that others are behind me and using my fearlessness to treed a similar path. That isn't dominance to me.

Dominance to me comes from a place of being more comfortable care-taking, mothering, counseling, giving instruction, as much as disciplining lovingly, giving orders and not tolerating the instruction of others. It doesn't make me bitchy, uncaring, inconsiderate and bossy... although I have my moments ;) but that is just whining when I am not getting my way.

I am all for being asked, or having suggestions, but it has to come from a personal place from that person in order for me to see the difference. Simply being told that I have to do this or I should do this, because someone is doing something else, is not going to work for me. My manager has figured this out where I am concerned... when she conjures up my empathy with "RP, I am really running short on time, please do this for me?" I do it immediately, when she has said in the past, "RP, do this please." I turn beat red and resist. She is a dominant woman also in an outward respect... I think her own empathy with me has helped....

So it gets complicated when I don't let go and submit. I submit to myself and nature really. The two really should come together at some point so that I can let go... how does one deal with abandonment issues and can't be alone, when they know they will submit if they are alone. Man I'm fucked up.

Sorry, this is so not poly related at this point. But as I said in previous posts.... I'm just living my life right now. To hell with poly and its theory and philosophy... This is what it is to live it. Funny, its not much different than any other relationship dynamic.

back to staring out the window.
 
There's a storm blowing in, I wonder if you can find a window near the water to watch it. (A literal storm by the way...:))
 
My sentiments exactly. I don`t clamour, or handle things the way many seem to. Others trying to force-feed me their brand of life, had me bitter.
My compassion had come to a stand-still.
Pulling myself away, and back,... I am finding my compassionate side again. That is important to me. I much prefer being my well-rounded self.

I don`t know what to tell you about the 'poly' label. For me, it is a label I have come to currently reject.
People will tell you, that you are 'poly' based on what they SEE, and those physical actions upholding their own beliefs.


However, I think it`s something you have to feel akin to deep inside. What does poly mean to you ? What is the unshakable truth that lies in you ?

I think it is ok to NOT identify as anything. If you feel your relationships are as a normal family, and possibly resent the 'zoo' like peering through, from others, it makes sense to need a break from that. (This thought is hard to put to words, please forgive.) The very basic truth is you are a family. you love, you live, you have ups and downs. being cast as different can get old. Maybe you are feeling that ? There is nothing wrong with dropping a label. Especially if it makes you feel you have to 'uphold' some greater good for others.

All rambling aside,..sometimes we just need to look after ourselves, and our loves. Live life without over-thinking it. Fuck the rest for awhile.
Thanks Sourgirl, I highlighted what resonated the most. It is largely what people see and I resent that right now. As much as I love newbies, or at least newer than me, I resent the controlling of what I feel and think my poly is. I also resent the patting of each other's backs when everyone uses the right words and comes to the same place. I realize that everyone is figuring it out for themselves and is in a different place than me, but it drives me crazy when they put their shit on others, not that I don't do that also sometimes. :p

It is all so hard to explain. Thanks for listening and responding, much appreciated.
 
There's a storm blowing in, I wonder if you can find a window near the water to watch it. (A literal storm by the way...:))
yes I see that. The storm is in metaphorically, I await it blowing out at this point. Bed seems like a good idea. Taking a sick day was the best choice ever!
 
Whoever wrote that is just plain wrong. One of my lovers, Harry, is an amaaaazing dom, just great at getting into your head and giving you almost-but-not-quite more than you can take, very commanding and nefarious and sexily cruel. And when he's not in that role he's just the nicest guy you could imagine, very helpful and considerate. He's Canadian, for goshsakes! :)

Being a dom has nothing to do with being a bitch/asshole. In fact, I think to be a really good dom you have to be extra-sensitive to other people's needs and feelings... that way, you know just how to manipulate and torture them WHEN YOU'RE SCENING... and it helps you be a better friend and partner in other ways the rest of the time.
Thanks for this. I am a good dom by your standard then :p;)

This made me feel better. :)
 
RP, why precisely would you give a shit what other people think a Dominant woman is?
I don't, I just figure I should always be questioning myself and what descriptive words I use. It occurred to me that I really hadn't thought what the term means, just what I think it doesn't mean.

I'm not GG's Dom because I "act like it". I'm his Dom, because it's always been that way NATURALLY for us and it fits, something in him naturally submits to something in me that naturally steps up to take charge. Key word-take charge, not "control".
Yes, this ten times over, although if I run across people who don't fit this with me, it doesn't work in terms of any deep meaningful relationship. Sad huh? At least I find it sad. I don't trust enough to submit to anyone.
 
I got the sense from RP's post about that book that it wasn't written about D/s but about dominance as a personality trait. I thought that maybe she was taking what it said and looking at it through the context of her experience in BDSM - but maybe I'm wrong. Hey, RP, what book was it, btw? Maybe someone else here has read it and can offer another opinion of the stance it takes.
It was about personality traits. I shouldn't have started there. It really threw me for a loop. Although it lead me to think why there is a difference between personality traits and BDSM relationships and kink. I thought they would be similar. Interesting.

It wasn't a book. It was just some links that I don't have anymore. I got Mono to read it. He thought it was personality related also.
 
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